It's just too much....

[kittensmittens]

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I want him back so badly it aches through my entire body.

 

This is our fourth break up in 4 years. The longest we were ever apart was 3 1/2 weeks. He broke up with me every time and came back to me every time. I need that wave of relief.......I need that call. I need to hear his voice, reassuring me that the separation was a mistake, our love runs too deep for us to stay apart. I don't think it's coming this time. This time is different.

 

This time I walked out of our apartment after confronting him about his lies. I didn't leave him, but I left town with the status of our relationship hanging in the air when he kept on denying. I hoped he would call and discuss things. But he broke it off with me. Again.

 

This time I didn't beg and cry. I didn't plead. I didn't call or write. Then I found out in a blog post of his, that he posted publicly, that he slept with our neighbor and then trashed me, calling me a b*tch several times. How could he?

 

Is this stupid angry break up crap that could one day be forgiveable, should he regret what he's done and come back? Or is this abnormally viscious and vengeful?

 

My heart is torn to shreds. I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have confronted him. I didn't even want to. F*ck. I just felt like I had to. I didn't know how else to handle the situation, to demand the respect I felt I wasn't getting from him. But maybe they were harmless lies. Just silly meaningless lies that I should have laughed off. Or maybe they were indicative of a bigger character flaw. I just don't know. I shouldn't have left. I should have done it all differently. F*ck f*ck f*ck me.

 

I just want him in my arms. But it won't be the same. I've only given myself to him. My heart and my body have belonged ONLY to him. How could he? HOW COULD HE??

 

He was my best friend, my soulmate, the person I was most comfortable around. The only person I could be affectionate with. I have nothing now. I've let nearly all of my friends slip out of my life and I've lost track of who it is I am anymore. I've lost my home and can't bear to be in that town. My life feels entirely empty and meaningless. And I don't think I have the strength to do anything to correct this. I look back and see only sadness in my life. Any glimmers of happiness just amounted to nothing. Nothing has any point anymore. Eating takes too much effort. Sleep, my only escape, only brings painfully happy dreams of him. I can't pull myself up out of the mud this time. I can't even see what's beyond it.

 

How can someone care so deeply for you, and suddenly you mean nothing to them. I keep wanting to tell him about things. About my day or about something I saw or heard. I want to tell him about things that no one else will appreciate quite the same way. Does he ever feel this way? I want to crawl into his arms when the world feels too harsh. Does he ever feel this way? Does he ever miss my smell? My taste? My laugh? My sense of humor? How could he. How could he just replace me. How can he just move on.

 

Maybe he's not right for me. Maybe he is a dishonest person. Maybe he is lacking in integrity and respect. Maybe he is too immature, not as ready to commit as he claimed. Maybe he was never really trying. Maybe he is deeply troubled, angry, and vengeful. Maybe this would have happened no matter what. Maybe everyone is right when they remind me of these things. But what if they're not?

 

I was too jealous. But I was trying. Couldn't he see I was trying? I went back to counseling and stuck with it like I said I would. I was improving. We were fighting less. Things were easier. Couldn't he see? But there were still fights. Was I asserting my bounderies? Or still just picking fights? I gave him space. And more space. But maybe it still wasn't enough. I'm so confused.

 

He seemed so genuine, so mature, so sensitive. He wasn't anything like other guys. I trusted him so completely for so long. I must have ruined everything. All those things couldn't have been fake. Can they? It had to have been me. I ruined it. I pushed him to this. This isn't the person I fell in love with at all. I brought out the bad in him. I didn't push him to lie, sure, but maybe they were harmless. What if they were just harmless and I ruined it? Did I overlook the bad in the begining? Or blow it out of proportion in the end? It's too much. I'm so torn apart.

 

I just want him back. I don't know if I should want that. But I do.

[funkybassplayer]

This is gonna be hard for you, but people do just move on, and they realise that your not for them. I was like you, i heard all the same stuff, i loved her and the kids, but she did have many issues. She dumped me, and moved on. I was left alone like you and felt like you, but i had to get it together, i had to move forward, you have to, its over, you saw what he wrote, do you want to be with some1 like that? You said your not happy inside. You have to be happy on your own b4 you can be happy with some1 else. U cant rely on other people for your own happyness. You have to heal you have to realise its over and hes not coming back. Cry , sulk do whatever, let it all out. jUST KEEP POSTING ON HERE, WE ARE ALL HERE TO GIVE HELP. i was like you i promise, but now i know im better off without her. Be strong.

[child_of_isis]

Best friends do not lie to you. Nor hurt you. Nor leave you.

 

I don't know if there is such a thing as a "harmless lie".

[kittensmittens]

Thank you both. This time has been the hardest for me. The last time was different, because the regret was so intensely unbearable, yet I was still able to find SOMETHING to look forward to or plan for and the hope that he would come back held me together somewhat. This time is different. Everyone around me is not only desensitized to this saga now (break up after break up), but they don't like him (or hate him) and can't understand at all how I can still love him.

 

To say I feel completely and utterly confused by all of this would be an understatement. I go between taking all the blame again, feeling I pushed him to this, I blew all of the bad out of proportion........to seriously wondering if I've been dating a sociopath or something. He is so charming and sweet and witty and funny and sensitive and kind. It couldn't have ALL been an act. It can't ALL be for HIS benefit....to gain admirers....to attract and keep someone who will keep him from being alone....

 

But looking back I see some of the signs. I see how deeply insecure he was, that in some ways he was blatantly manipualtive, and that he had a lot of anger in him, particularly toward his exes (they were all "b*itches", as was any girl who rejected him in any way...and 2 even got the special titles of "satan #1" and "satan #2"). But I just saw him as deeply wounded.

 

I thought it was his love for me that brought him back everytime, but now it could very well have just been insecurity. He has the novelty and excitement of someone new this time to keep him from coming back. Maybe that is who he is. Maybe most of who he is IS an act. But what if it isn't? Maybe he would have stayed in it for the long haul if I hadn't f*cked it up.

 

He was my first everything, except kiss. This relationship has meant more to me than anything has in my life. It filled that missing piece. To accept that he is just a dishonest person and not the person he pretends to be is a catch 22 for me.....it's the only way I can bring myself to move on, yet it also takes everything about this relationship that had deep meaning and reduces it to nothing.

 

All the beautiful things he said to me, all of the meaning I had to him, all lies. I just came along at the right time. I was just another girl to keep him from feeling lonely and to get back at the last girl for hurting him.

 

I'm so confused. I still see him as the person he was pretending to be. But maybe it wasn't all pretend. Maybe he wasn't that bad and I ruined it. I just don't know. I can't even see straight anymore with my head so twisted....

[kittensmittens]

Ok, so him going and posting that stuff is NOT just stupid angry break up crap, right? It IS abnormally immature and spiteful, right?

 

Refusing to go to counseling IS proof that he not as committed as he claims, right?

 

I think my problem has been that it is easier for me to forgive him for his mistakes than it is to forgive myself for my mistakes.

 

This realization doesn't take the pain away from knowing he is probably in someone else's bed at this very moment, that he lied to me, and that our relationship didn't carry the same meaning for him as it did for me. I look back at our begining with bittersweet fondness. He already has a new one with someone else.

 

(sorry....I know I JUST posted....but there are just too many thoughts to keep up with....)

[funkybassplayer]

My ex was like your, she had many issues to the point that her kids would suffer. You cant do anything for these people as they dont want help and they have a great way of dumping crap on you after the first few weeks of loving person! by then your hooked, and you belive there good people, they are but thier also damaged mentally. She said the same herex hubby was this n that, i dont belive it now, they drive people to not liking them, she pushed me so far away, and i still wanted to help her. Best thing really is to walk away and leave him to it. I can tell you for sure, that he will carry crap on his back form relationship to relationship and dump all the crap on them after he has wheeled them in. Not everyone is a nice person, and it seems there are many on here who have encountered the same exp. They get in your head, thats what makes them hard to shift, but they go fast once you seperate your life from theres, because you soom see that you were not that happy, and there was nothing you can do, exept to walk away, hold up your head and do it!

[kittensmittens]

I can't stop blaming myself!!

 

I keep recounting everything that happened in an attempt to prove to myself that it wouldn't have worked anyway, he did this or that, it's just so inexcusable, obviously it would have never worked, bla bla bla. But all I end up doing is proving to myself that I should have changed sooner. That people respond to one another in kind and I could have changed the course it took. I feel like I made him resentful, I made him lose respect for me.

 

Sure, he went out and slept with another girl after we broke up. But guys often do that right? Sure he posted that stuff. He's got a vengeful streak. But he also can be extremely gentle and patient. A lot of bad things have happened to him in his life, so of course he's got a lot of anger. Nobody's perfect. He never hit me. He could say some mean things out of anger, but I can't really say that he was outright verbally abusive. I said mean things too. He lied about some things....but it's not like he lied about cheating, or having another family or something. He can be manipulative, but it's his defense mechanism--and it doesn't happen in a vacuum. Maybe he was looking around, checking others out and flirting, but I probably made myself less attractive to him, acting jealous and stupid for so long.

 

I can't stop blaming myself and no one around me wants to hear it. They have no forgiveness for him and insist he's just lazy, egotistical, manipulative, and immature. They didn't see the times when he was patient and loving. They didn't see the times I tested his patience. It went both ways. They insist that who he is would have surfaced no matter what. I feel like it was all fixable and now I've lost him forever. I've lost the only person I'll ever have a real connection with.

 

It's too much, I can't handle it. And my stuff is being moved out of the apartment tomorrow. It shouldn't have ended up like this. This is all wrong.

[AriaIncognito]

Best friends do not lie to you. Nor hurt you. Nor leave you.

 

Man, we should all put this somewhere where we read it daily. It's so true. We call these exes our "best friends" but really, if they were, like you said, they'd still be here in our lives.

 

Thanks for that, Isis.

[uniqueone]

I wish I had some advice for you but the thing is, I am blaming myself too just like you are. 'If only I wouldn't have gotten so mad'.....if only I'd done this....if only I'd done that.

 

But we're here so darned forgiving and why aren't they? And the thing is, I have a feeling that maybe it's them who should really be the ones asking forgiveness. I sorta think that but then start to blame myself again.

 

Are you feeling any differently now?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Blame yourself until the cows come home but YOU had no control in the matter! YOU were not given a choice. You are not responsible for the choices of others. Those are completely out of your control. You are however responsible for YOUR own choices and the consequences of those.

[kittensmittens]

But we're here so darned forgiving and why aren't they? And the thing is, I have a feeling that maybe it's them who should really be the ones asking forgiveness. I sorta think that but then start to blame myself again.

 

Right there with you. I had the (mis)fortune of talking to him again since breaking up and now I'm seeing how imbalanced things are. He STILL didn't admit to any of the lying until last night and still hasn't even apologized. He is denying his part in this breakup and putting pretty much all of it on me. I'm the one who shouldn't have left, I should have called to clarify my intentions after I left, I should have emailed him back to stop all this from happening after he sent the email telling me to find another place to live. Funny thing is, until HE told me all this, I was already beating myself up for these things and more. I guess I still am, but now my anger at him for not admitting his part (he shouldn't have lied in the 1st place, he could have called after I left, he could have sent an email asking what was going on instead of breaking it off, etc.)......keeps me from beating my head too hard against the wall. Now I'm just mostly filled w/ frustration and sadness.

 

I can see clearly now that he doesn't want to admit responsibility or see anything wrong in himself. I guess it's easier or perhaps less painful to blame others. I've ****ed a lot of things up along the way in this relationship, but I kept on trying. I kept on admitting my faults to myself and others so that I could keep on learning from them. I think I deserve a lot of credit for that. Instead I get more of the blame.

 

I think, despite my faults, he was pretty lucky to have someone so dedicated and determined. He probably should be the one asking for forgiveness.

 

I still miss him so much. Why can't he just see these things?