It Hurts to Break Away

[imark]

My wife and I have separated.

 

My wife and I have been married a long, long time. The kids are grown. With the kids gone, the emotional bond just isn't there and hasn't been for a long, long time.

 

In fact, it might never have been there.

 

I married my wife under somewhat false pretenses. Because I loved someone else first, someone I met before my wife, but someone I could never be with. And so more than 30 years ago I married my wife, whom I loved, but not with that passion I'd had - and carried with me, even though I tried not to think of it - for that other person.

 

Maybe I should not have married. Maybe I should have looked for someone else to have such passion for. I didn't because there was only that one other person to whom I could so completely give myself. And when that other person was finally gone, it seemed time to marry the person I was with. She was someone I loved, but not with the passion I had for the other person.

 

Twenty eight years later, the person I could never be with contacted me out of the blue. She was in a similar situation. She did not love her husband completely when she married - it just seemed time to marry. And with their kids gone, their emotional bonds, long strained, were about to break.

 

And, as it's turned out, she still had feelings for me and ultimately it became obvious she wanted to know if still had those feelings for her. I did, and I still do. I somehow let myself slip into what happened. I didn't look down the road, didn't realize, in my amazement at what seemed a magical reconnection, what could happen, what the logical endpoint would be if I kept on with my old flame.

 

I didn't understand the gods would punish me by granting what I wanted.

 

As time went on, I felt enormous guilt over starting the affair, over cheating and lying to my wife, and betraying the love my wife did have for me. It's just that my wife, nor I, were good at communication, we built walls around ourselves. My wife, though she said she loved me, though she said she would imagine making love with me, more often flinched at my touch. She was, on the emotional level, angry often with me. And I with her, because I thought she didn't love me, because she seemed angry with me.

 

Part of the problem, a major problem between us, besides the lack of communication, was that I didn't pull my weight in the marriage. I was the fourth child. And so my wife had a lot of justified anger toward me. Still, she flinched at my touch. She was often as cold as the frigid winters we endure in our part of the world.

 

So, when my old flame contacted me, I was all too susceptible to her overtures. Had I understood what was happening, had I known that people reconnect all the time, especially with the Web, I might have acted differently. Or maybe not. I'm not sure, because I have always had such strong feelings for the other person.

 

Unhappy in my marriage as I was, have been, I would not have considered leaving my wife - I thought she wanted to leave me - except for that one other person.

 

And after seeing each other several times, I know I still have the same feelings. Whether I'm still in the infatuation stage or not, I love being with my old love, and I believe her when she says the same about me (although, because we've betrayed our own spouses, I'm not sure we can ever trust each other).

 

Eventually - last March - my wife found out. She's stuck by me. I'm not going behind her back, I've been up front with her about this. She still wants me to come back to her. We're separated and we both said it looks like it's over. Yet she wants me to come back to her.

 

And my wife has changed so much in the past months. She has more self awareness - we've both been in counseling for months - and her misplaced anger is gone. So is mine.

 

We reconciled for a little while after she learned of my affair, and after I saw how she had changed, but the truth was that by then my heart had gone back to another, and I could not sustain the renewed relationship with my wife.

 

Oh, and our kids are angry with me, although each of them just found out about this (and I've just found this website).

 

I have serious guilt, remorse, and often doubt about what I've done. Especially doubt, because my wife is the loving person anyone would enjoy having as a spouse, now that she's come to understand herself, what her fears were, and what led her to shut herself off to me.

 

My wife could have been the way she is now, the way she's wanted to be for so long but wouldn't allow herself to be, for whatever reasons (well, because she was mad at me so often for not pulling my weight). And now that she has gotten rid of self doubts and anger toward me, it's too late, because my heart is for another.

 

We could, should have spent all these years building our marriage. Instead, we each let the life ooze out of it.

 

And then when I think of what it's like when I'm with my old flame, I have no doubt about my course.

 

If I could wave a magic wand - and I can't - I would be with my old flame, and make my wife happy. That can't happen. I know I can't be happy, in the passionate way I want to be, with with my wife. I can't create that feeling because I have it for someone else.

 

I would be happy - perhaps in a superfical, selfish sense, it's true - with my old love. She wants me to be happy with her, wants to see what happens if we can be together for a time and see if we can be together for the rest of the time we have left in our lives.

 

What is happiness, anyway? Perhaps, if I could say goodbye to my old flame (and hurt her, since she has the same powerful feelings for me as I do for her), and go back to my wife, even if I don't love her with passion, it would ultimately make me more happy, by bringing my wife joy and peace of mind, and making my kids and friends and family happy.

 

How, at this point, do I hurt my true love?

 

How can I hurt my wife so, whom I love, too? How can I not beg forgiveness?

 

And yet, how can I not be, when I can be, with the woman I've always loved, the person I have always and truly wanted to be with? Do I deny the truth of my feelings?

[Chinook]

imark, I have two things to say... first thing is... I am now 37 years old. Pretty young really. At 32 I was diagnosed with a pretty severe form of breast cancer which I didn't expect to be living from after two years let alone 5. Having something like that gives you a unique perspective on life.

 

So... I will say....

 

Haven't you wasted enough time of your own and that of your wife...?

 

The second thing is...

 

Even if you didn't get things together with your 'true love' (and sincerely I am not sure you would because grass is always greener) you have still been for 30 years in a marriage which you admit not being fully committed to. I personally think you have wasted 30 years of your life and that of your wife. Whilst the children were growing I can understand it for their sake. Now... I am not convinced.

 

You know what you need to do. Why would you come to the later stages of life an unhappy man...? And inflict the same on your wife...? Give her the opportunity to find someone to spend the rest of her life with. Give her the opportunity to find someone who loves her in a way that you can't.

 

As for your 'true love' ...? I dunno. I'm kinda cynical. I think this is more a symptom of what was wrong in your marriage rather than a cause. I could be wrong but that's how it feels to me.

[marlena]

Yours is one of the most poignant tales I have read on these boards! Call me an incurable romantic, or a simpleton, or someone who has, through much emotional pain, learned the wayward leanings of the human heart, whatever the case may be, I can feel the conflicting emotions that are teraring you apart! I would try to respond more explicitly to the string that you have set in vibration but it is very late in my part of the world and I am oh so tired and need to sleep ....tomorrow perhaps if I can clean the clutter in my brain, I will attempt to respond to you and the memories you have awakened in myself!!! For now suffice it to say I understand!

[madgun68]

Wow! If I didn't know any better, I'd say that I know who you are as I have a friend who's parents were going through much the same thing!

 

If you go back to your wife, these feelings will continue and you may lose your only chance to finally find out what you've felt you've been missing all these years.

 

Your marriage has survived all these years for all the wrong reasons. Please, forget about everyone else for a change and do this for yourself. Your children are grown up and on their own. You don't need to concern yourself with their well being any more. They may be angry with you, but they'll most likely still love you and get over the break-up eventually.

 

DO what YOU want this time.

[tinke]

imark, what a dilemna! i can tell you i was in a very similar situation, only i was the woman already in the relationship when the old flame resurfaced.

my man was upfront with me (after yrs. of being together), and stated he needed to "do this", to find out if there was passion, etc. heartbroken, there was nothing i could do....

he soon learned that one cannot go back to what was, those thoughts and wishes are memories replayed. people change, and sometimes after the initial attraction, things begin to fizzle...just something to think about.

although the attraction on his side was very strong, nothing ever transpired, she chose not to pursue.

i can understand your mixed feelings. some may say, you deserve happiness and try to rekindle with the initial flame. others may say, you vowed in good times and bad in marriage. i guess, one thing to consider, also, is that your wife does acknowledge faults and did work to improve, she is not dismissing your concerns...maybe things will change for the better.

the grass in not always greener on the other side.

if you hadn't met up with your old flame, where do you think your marriage was heading?? do you believe you would have continued on??

hope you find peace!

[imark]

>if you hadn't met up with your old flame, where do you think your marriage was heading?? do you believe you would have continued on??<

 

I doubt I would have left my wife. I thought, at times, she wanted to leave me, because of her anger, and my wife thought the same of me. In fact, not only was she unable to communicate very well, she thought, if we did start talking, that I would come to the realization that I would want out of the marriage. This reasoning came, in part, from low self-esteem. I did not and would not want out of the marriage, although I was unhappy in it.

 

Now my wife feels a lot better about herself, but only after learning about the other person and the potential end of the marriage, and going for counseling. She wouldn't have acted until that happened, so things wouldn't have gotten better, at least for a long while.

 

I might, over time, have sought my own counseling, and I had thought about doing just that the past few years, not because of my marriage, but because of a general dissatisfaction with my life. I don't think I included my marriage in that dissatisfaction, though I realize now it was part of that feeling.

 

In any event, I know I was not happy in my marriage. I often wondered over the years, as things slipped, why I couldn't be as happy as I wanted to be. I didn't think about my old flame when this happened. I rarely thought of her, she just popped up in dreams once in a while, or I'd wonder idly what happened to her. I do know I realized I married without the passion I had for the other person, and I missed having the passion.

 

I would think, from time to time, that I wasn't as happy in my marriage as I thought I should be. I knew I didn't love my wife with passion, and I knew she didn't love me that way (if she did, she was incapable of showing it).

 

I do have terrible doubrts about what I've done because so much that I experienced with my wife was good. And having each of my kids dislike me so intensely - for now, or for always? - hurts, too. (So far, by the way, they haven't talked to me at length, only with my wife.) To not share the holidays this year with my family is a terrible thought.

 

It was only on the emotional level that the marriage was screwed up. But that's an important part of a marriage. There is more to a marriage than going to a baseball or ice hockey game, watching t.v., going to a play, visiting friends and relatives, as nice as those things can be. But to lose those things is going to be very painful to me, too.

 

And with my wife unable to talk to me, afraid to talk to me, who flinched at my touch even as she wanted it, and with me not able to talk to her, not pulling my weight (increasing her anger), and wondering why I wasn't happier, wasn't with someone I loved with passion, I think the relationship was going to get worse over time. But I would have continued on with it.

 

Frankly, I doubt I would have thought about leaving my marriage without reconnection by the other person.

 

As for the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side? Yes. I know. That's part of my doubt. Yet, for the brief time I've spent with the other person - maybe all of three weeks worth of days - I've completely enjoyed that time. I've never felt so good with anyone else. I realize it might be infatuation, so does the other person, who feels the same for me as I do about her. We both know the feeling might wear off, but I've had feelings for her for a long, long time.

 

And the feeling of longing for her, a feeling I would experience over the years, is gone. I don't long for her, because I don't have to. It's been replaced with a sense of well being about her, a sense of joy of knowing I can be with her. The sense of wanting to be with her has ended. I've found the grass is, for the brief time I've been with the other person, still green. Maybe it's spring time grass, and will soon turn brown. For now, it's green.

[Zapbasket]

Wow, Imark, this is a very complicated situation. I'm not sure I know how to advise you, except to say that before you leave your marriage, make sure you do your utmost to have as much honest, open communication with your wife as possible. It sounds like this will require a couples counselor, as you say you and your wife have not communicated openly with one another much.

 

I read your thread, and my heart clenched, because what you describe is what I fear will happen to me. My partner of 5 years abruptly ended our relationship 7 months ago. My gut tells me, despite many efforts to convince myself otherwise, that it was not lack of love that produced the split. We loved each other a lot, and intensely, and as this was the first serious relationship for both of us, we had unrealistic expectations of each other. I'm trying to "get over" him, I'm 30, and my fear is that given how strongly I loved (and love) him, I won't be able to fall in love as freely and authentically with someone else. On the day he broke up with me, I yelled at him, "You're going to wake up when you're 50, and see some picture of me somewhere, smiling and beautiful with my husband and two kids and a dog, and you're going to regret this day!" And he started to sob and said, "I know, I know."

 

Here's my question for you: knowing what you know now, back before you met your wife, when you were still with this other woman, what would you have done differently? Why, if you loved her with this passion, did you not stick it out with her? If truly you felt it would never work with her long-term, what would you have done differently to get over her so that your heart would have been free to fall in love with a woman whom you DID love with that same passion?

[imark]

<Here's my question for you: knowing what you know now, back before you met your wife, when you were still with this other woman, what would you have done differently? Why, if you loved her with this passion, did you not stick it out with her?<

 

I was a lot younger, inexperienced, and circumstances at the time prevented us being together. Psychological issues, work issues, etc. It couldn't happen back then.

 

>If truly you felt it would never work with her long-term, what would you have done differently to get over her so that your heart would have been free to fall in love with a woman whom you DID love with that same passion?<

 

I should have kept dating other women, until I found one who I could feel as passionate about. Instead, I settled for the woman I was seeing at the time, the last woman I saw after my true love was gone.

 

She wasn't my true live. I should have realized there would be another true love - or there wouldn't be - and not married who I did, because I didn't love her completely.

 

Of course, so many good things flowed from the marriage, like our kids, the house at the edge of the woods I'll lose, all the connections with two families, everything that makes up a life with another person - who was/is real - spanning three decades.

 

Still, at the time, I couldn't believe there would be anyone like the person who left my life. There were lots of other people I knew I could love, but I didn't realize there could be another true love.

 

And in truth, there wasn't, as things worked out. But things worked out not as I thought they would.

[Zapbasket]

Was part of your rush to marry your wife a fear that if you waited to find someone about whom you DID feel as passionate as your first love, you would end up single while all your friends, colleagues, etc. were married and starting families?

 

Do you think if you had fought harder for your relationship with your first love, despite the psychological and work issues, it could have worked out? In other words, if you KNEW at the time that the love you felt was REAL LOVE, true passion, why did you take the risk of not finding that again by breaking off the relationship (assuming you were the one to break it off?)?

 

One more question: What DID you love about your wife that made you want to marry her?

[imark]

>Was part of your rush to marry your wife a fear that if you waited to find someone about whom you DID feel as passionate as your first love, you would end up single while all your friends, colleagues, etc. were married and starting families?<

 

I think so.

 

>Do you think if you had fought harder for your relationship with your first love, despite the psychological and work issues, it could have worked out? In other words, if you KNEW at the time that the love you felt was REAL LOVE, true passion, why did you take the risk of not finding that again by breaking off the relationship (assuming you were the one to break it off?)?

<

 

If I'd fought harder, it might have. I didn't break it off. It just didn't happen between us - the issues were with the other person. However, I did give up too easily.

 

I've made my decision and that's to try to be with the woman I truly love, though I know that will bring pain to my wife.