Baby steps

[angel3]

Still talking - lots of talking.

 

We went out with the kids last evening, just to give them a bit or 'normalcy.' It felt good for me too - I needed to try and step away from the constant, overwhelming emotions, even if for a moment. It was good, really good - but of course hard at times.

 

He broke down last night. I told him I had confided in a close friend of ours, and that I did not tell her (half of a married-couple-friendship we have) to punish or embarrass him, but because she happened to call, and I broke down with no one to talk to. He was mortified that I should be making sure his feelings are ok - and that set him off -

 

I think the realization that I am not being unkind to him or trying to hurt him, because I DO love him, and hearing someone out there in the real world now knows about it - made it all very 'real' for him. It was very, very upsetting and it was terrifying for him - he broke down mentally, physically, emotionally, sobbing and rambling on - over and over repeating painful truths about what he has done, until drove himself to the point of being sick. Which, of course, I understand - I've been there for days, repeating this cycle over and over again, waiting for him to come home, to face this with me.

 

And though it tore me apart to see him like this (sobbing and wretching- I did this to you, to us, to myself - this is the worst pain in the whole world and I brought it in to our lives - how could I hurt you like this when you are my whole world? When I love you like I do? you must hurt so much more then even this pain that I'm feeling - having had ME do this to YOU ...) and on and on it went ... and though it hurt me to see him hurting, wanting to comfort him but not being able to to because HE hurt ME ... I think NOT seeing this reaction when it all came out is what made me question his very love for me in the first place. If he loved me as much as he was sayig into the phone - how was he so OK?

 

Well, he is NOT ok at all ... he is just as much of a mess as I am now. But we are taking it an hour at a time - putting the kids first all day, trying to reassure them, trying to keep life as normal as possible for them. We are spendig long hours together at might when they go to bed, talking, taking a break from it and supporting each other like best friends do - allowing a little distraction in here and there for a mental break from the ubearable pain ... what I mean is, not forcing it. Talking when I have a question for him, or he wants to say something to me ... and talking until we are done, whether it is after 20 minutes or 3 hours.

 

Then he goes to sleep on the couch, and I go to our room - to read my books for more support ('After the Affair' by Janis Abrahms - and 'How Can I Forgive You' by her too when I get through that one.) He made an appointment to get tested for STD's, and called our insurance about individual counseling for him and marriage counseling for us both.

 

So, the panic and shock part is easing, but the pain is just as strong, but (for me at least) the reality is starting to sink in, I think. He is here. We are together, talking. We are still - unbelievably, somehow - able to be best friends. I know he does love me, and that I love him.

 

I can't imagine saying all of that only a day and a half ago.

 

I guess that means, there is hope ... I think I feel hope.

[FireandIce]

I'm glad everything seems to be working out. I've been reading your posts but I'm not sure if I've responded to any (sometimes I just don't know what to say).

 

One thing I did want to say is I think you telling your friend was a very good thing. Perhaps this just made it a little more "real" to him and he can feel just a bit of the pain (embarassment) you've been going through.

 

Taking it one day (or one hour) at a time is the best way to go about it. I'm sure you'll have good days and bad just like most of us here do but it definitely takes time. One good thing about your situation (I use the term good very loosely because there's nothing good about infidelity) is you won't have to worry about the OW interfering in your healing process. I'm sure that will make it easier for both of you.

[Lynna]

Oh Angel, I am so glad that things are going "okay" at the moment. I am glad you are able to talk and be friends at least. I think there is real hope for you. He sounds completely devestated, as he should be. That is good, it means he really does love you. Love is the thing that can get you through this if anything does!

[Pendawn]

Hi angel, I don't wish to hijack your thread but I just wanted to say hello. I read this thread and then went back and read your others, and you could be me. A very VERy similar thing happened to me, on the same day you found out so did I about my fiance.

 

i just wanted to say that, i don't know if this will bring you any comfort but your thread has actually helped me. It's given me some kind of sense of foundation or something to know you are going through the same thing (in terms of your reaction, I'm not feeling comfort you've been hurt!) and to see your husband's email to you which says so many of the exact same things my fiance has been saying to me.

 

Everything from both your reactions is striking so many chords with me, it's really helping me to know there are people out there going through the same thing. (I didn't know what was wrong that i wasn't slapping hima nd pouring gravy on his X-Box, but there I was still loving him and wanting to comfort him when he went to pieces)

 

Sending you much love!

[JoyH]

Just take your time. Don't allow anyone to make you feel pressured to make any major decisions right now, as things are just far to emotional.

 

Be sure to find a counselor that is certified in couples/marriage counseling as it is a totally different dynamic than individual counseling. Ask if they have experience with infidelity issues. Unfortunately, many couples have to try more than one counselor to find someone with the right attitude and experience. They are just people also, with differing values on marriage and such.

 

Another helpful book: "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass. I found it more helpful than After the Affair personally.

 

You will be on quite the emotional roller coaster for sometime. This type of emotional trauma is linked to Post traumatic stress actually. You might feel overwhemed with imagined images, lack of sleep, weight loss, poor appetite, and somewhat obessive thoughts about his actions. It's VERY common. Kind of helps to know that you are not nuts, that it is a common reaction. So, try to take care of yourself, make yourself snack if you just cannot eat, take some nutritional suppliments. Get out and treat yourself to something you enjoy.

 

Friends mean well, but they also just want to protect you from further pain. Just ask them to support you in whatever choice you make.

 

A few helpful websites about dealing with infidelity. It helps to know that your reactions are pretty normal.

 

http://www.dearpeggy.com/

 

http://marriagebuilders.com/

 

http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/

 

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/

 

http://peterfox.com.au/index.html

 

http://survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

 

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/ check Files

 

http://www.howtosurviveaffair.com/html/howtosurviveaffair/affair-articles/sitemap.html

 

A good ebook for your husband, for him to help see what he needs to do to rebuild from this mess he created:

 

http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

 

Prayers for strength, Joy

[angel3]

Just popping in to say hello and thank everyone for the continuing support and encouragement.

 

It has been another day of baby steps, which is a good thing.

 

Our eldest had a youth sports game today, so that made it easy to keep busy and focus on the kids. We went to lunch as a family afterward, and it was nice - we all had a really nice time, there were even a few laughs and some bonding.

 

It IS still VERY hard, but we are both TRYING very hard. I am trying very hard to be open an honest about how I am feeling, the ups and downs and the troubling insecurities - which he is working very hard to reassure me are not only normal considering, but that he is committed to me and to us and that things will be ok, and that he will work hard to prove it to me.

 

He is constantly reassuring me that he loves me, he is committed to doing whatever he has to do to regain and earn my trust, to rebuild our marriage, to protect me and our family, and to help me believe in him.

 

I can feel and see and hear that he is sincere, so that does help a little to alleviate some degree of my fears. Not completely of course, and I can still feel how guarded I am, but I am trying my best to have faith in him. I am trying to be open and honest about what I need from him to help us reconnect - and I am doing my best to remain fair.

 

His appointment is early this week for his tests.

 

Tuesday is our 8th anniversary. He has to go back to work (away from home) on Thursday, and I am dreading that, but I need to get through the anniversary first.

 

We aren't currently active in our church, but have talked about starting to go again now that the babies are old enough to sit through it. There are worse places to turn for inspiration and renewed faith, right? So, considering that, and what this Tuesday is, we are talking about going to talk to the Father that baptized our sons (and did the service for my grandmother's funeral last year) about renewing our vows on Tuesday - sort of like a NEW marriage contract - one that isn't 'tarnished.'

 

We had already been planning on doing this for our tenth anniversary in two years, and having the big party to go with it then - our wedding was so much fun, like a huge bash, the first time, and to this day other people (friends and family) still get together on that day to celebrate because THEY too had so much fun - so we wanted to have a ten year celebration that was also like a reunion. That's not what we're talking about this time - just something private for us with the priest. A new beginning on our 8th anniversary. For me, thinking about it feels good, and he tells me (and from what I see on his face when we talk) he feel that way too.I believe in my heart that it would help me to hear him recommit his vows to me (and I, or course, would be doing the same, and I hope it would help him to hear me recommit to sticking through the hard times, and to give us a second chance, even though I am already honoring that part of my vows.)

 

I think we normally would have waited to do this until after counseling, but since our anniversary is ironically right now - literally exactly as we are talking of starting our marriage over - we are considering (and it is only an idea at this point) doing it that day - as a commitment to our new marriage, our dedication to healing and starting fresh - even though we will not be intimate for some time yet. That is not even in the talking stage yet.

 

It just seems like the timing with our anniversary and the fact we are starting over coincides, and we both feel like the old contract was voided by his infidelity - it's like his renewed promise to me - and mine to him, committing to giving this second chance an honest and true chance.

 

I'm interested in your thoughts and opinions on this - we still have to talk about it and see if we think it's right for us to do now. We'd still have the vow renewal and celebration on our tenth, if all works out by then - what a way that would be to celebrate success if we can make it work! And by God, I really hope we can make it work. Even today, I have that little bit more hope than yesterday.

 

Night time is the hardest, as you can probably tell from the time of this post. It is when my insecurities are strongest. I have decided, as you can tell, to give our marriage a chance, to give him a chance. I love him too much not to, and I believe that he loves me and really is sorry. He has shown relentless determination to do whatever it takes, and I believe him. Learning to trust completely and not be afraid of getting hurt is another story. But that is the whole point - he wants to fix that. We both know that what we had was great, and it is more than worth saving it. We both have a copy of that book now and are working through it together. Marriage counseling is next, along with individual counseling. We've already made lists of things we can do and change to work through this.

 

Just to say ... he DOES know that I STILL am very nervous and wary, and that there is, of course, the chance that, despite his efforts to regain trust, and despite mine to forgive, there IS a chance that I won't be able to continue. But we both acknowledge that is NOT what either of us WANT.

 

So, do you think that means I'm ready for the 'Second Chances' board or, soon? Again - never thought a day or two ago that I'd be saying that ...

 

I just really, really wish the nights weren't so hard.

 

I'm going to try and get some sleep now, but I need the light and fan on and to read myself to sleep. I'd have the TV on too if there was one in here ... is this, too, normal?

 

Thanks again for being my rock through all of this. (((hugs)))

[Lynna]

Angel, I love the idea of renewing vows. I think that is a good reminder to both spouses of exactly what you committed to when you got married. Doing it in private, now at this turning point in your marriage is a good thing too. This is about as bad as the "for better or for worse can get". You are very ill and your old relationship is now deceased. You are starting anew and as you said it will be a long road, but I think this is a great way to start it. Good for you. I imagine that it will be a very emotional ceremony, be sure to bring a box of kleenex! I think the idea of going back to church again might also be good, it can be inspirational. That might also help him in coping with your illness. I am glad things are going okay!

 

Now, about the problems sleeping. The entire time I was apart from my husband I had to play books on tape to be able to fall asleep. (Often you can check them out from libraries if you don't want to buy them - you can also buy them online now from what I have heard if you have an mp3 player.) Without them my brain went in too many different directions, it would not turn off and sleep, my immagination would run rampant. So I can't blame you at all there. Interesting note, when we did spend the night together again I did not need the tapes at all. So yes, what you are going through is perfectly normal. You might also try meditative tapes/music to help you fall asleep, though for me I needed the more concrere words to latch onto.

[Lynna]

You will be on quite the emotional roller coaster for sometime. This type of emotional trauma is linked to Post traumatic stress actually. You might feel overwhemed with imagined images, lack of sleep, weight loss, poor appetite, and somewhat obessive thoughts about his actions. It's VERY common.

 

Now that is interesting. I had never made the connection before to PTSD syndrome! Thanks for pointing that out. That really does help put things in perspective for me. I am just starting to do some reading and surfing to help deal with all this so thanks for posting the list too.

[angel3]

Thanks Lynna - and (((hugs))) to you and all you are dealing with at this time also. You have been in my thoughts and prayers as well.

 

Just popping in - only have half a second - but I wanted to tell you all how GREAT we are getting on with the book 'After the Affair' by Janis Abrahams Spring - in fact we now have two copies with our own notes in the margin. Not only is is validating for me, and for him, but it is giving us concrete things we can DO to work on rebuilding trust, faith in the marriage, security and safety, and more. I would be lost without this book right now - I can't recommend it highly enough. More on this later, as well as an update of where we are.

 

Peace love and hope to you all - I hold on to it for dear life myself right now too. I look forward to catching up with you all later tonight.

[Lynna]

Happy Anniversary Angel! I hope the day went well. Keep hanging in there!

[angel3]

Pendawn - thank you so much for your post. I'm so terribly sorry, truly, that you can identify with so much of my situation. My God, I am hoping and praying for you too, that you are taking things one day at a time and finding some comfort through it all. I would be happy to communicate with you through private messaging if you wish, and support one another through this most difficult time. I only have a few moments now, but when I can come back with more tme later tonight I will look for other posts by you to try and familiarize myself with your personal situation. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you. And thank you - it does help me to know that risking it all and putting myself out there at such a vulnerable time for me has helped someone else with their personal situation. I feel less alone, and hope you do too. (((hugs)))

 

JoyH - thank you so much for your supportive posts both here and on my other thread. I have taken your advice to heart, and have already looked at a few of the links you provided, and will most definitely be checking them ALL out as I have the time. I truly appreciate your kind words of support.

 

We are entering a new phase of this whole thing, as he heads back to work today until Monday. Progress to tell of, and a whole new set of issues that comes with his leaving and being away for work again. I will post a new thread today when I am back from a few appointments.

 

Thanks everyone - love and hope to you all. x

[IfWishesWereHorses]

We are entering a new phase of this whole thing, as he heads back to work today until Monday. Progress to tell of, and a whole new set of issues that comes with his leaving and being away for work again.

 

Even though I'm sure any insecurities about this will be for naught, I DO know how hard it is. Things like this can become triggers. You sound like a trooper though, and I bet Monday will be a happy reunion for you!

[angel3]

thanks so much - coming here for a quick glance DOES help me feel reassured and supported, and helps me calm that inner voice that just wants to break down, or panic. More later tonight on how we left things ... but I will say, that I feel more secure than I thought I would by now, I am sure of his love for me and regret over this huge mistake, as he calls it ... and I am feeling hopeful about our future. Back tonight. xoxo

[LakesideDream]

Angel3, I've been following your thread/plight. A bit of advice from the male side.

 

Men in general respond best to positive reinforcment. It sounds like the two of you have had quite a bout of soul searching the past few days. Consider taking his return as a chance for a bit of "fun and relaxation" before returning to the heavy lifting begins again.

 

I don't mean to say you should forget all the problems he brought to your relationship. I'm suggesting that it might be good to put them on hold for a couple of hours upon his return.

 

Good Luck,

[angel3]

Thanks Lakesidedream,

I appreciate you following this with me, and thank you for reaching out with such thoughtful, supportive advice. I value the male perspective especially right now. We operate so differently much of the time, men and women, and he and I are, after all, in this thing together. It is reassuring to hear that, in keeping with what you wrote, I hope we are on-track.

 

I have to say, we've had a pretty healthy balance of soul searching, cuddling while hoping and looking forward, and time 'off' from it entirely to watch baseball or play miniature golf with the kids, even to tackle home-jobs together. This past week, we played almost as much as we worked.

 

The first few days were pretty fraught with high emotions, and after a while, we agreed that neither of us could continue like that - beat it to death and drive ourselves to exhaustion. We decided - after getting through the immediate pain of the new discovery and the aftermath of the dust settling - to just take it as it comes. An hour at a time - a minute at a time if we had to. I am thankful to say that we reconnected as best friends, and although it has, at times, seemed a little strange, we've been helping each other through it. We have times where I'm down and he comforts me, where he is low and upset and full of remorse and regret and I comfort him, assuring him that with our new start, I am willing to work through this and dedicate myself to our new marriage just as much as he is- and times where we both just hold each other and cry in one anothers arms - but also, times when we just sit and cuddle and enjoy each others company. And it's so, so comforting to be able to do that.

 

In fact, we have spoken of how tragic it is that things had to reach this point to remind us how good we are together (although much more so for him - he now sees just how present and available I had always remained )and to bring us back to being this close, to wake us up, so to speak. Don't get me wrong - it has NOT been easy, and he is not in any way shirking his responsibility - but once we reached the decision to work through this, we decided not to force it and fight through it, but rather to (with his constant efforts to rebuild trust and a feeling of safety for me) go with the flow, working steadily towards our goal of healing our marriage. We are spending time working through the past, dreaming of our future, focusing on the present and making conscious efforts to heal, BUT - also, spending time justing BEING in the present, making 'new memories' as we call them, which come easily and remind us why we fell in love in the first place.

 

Don't get me wrong - it's not peachy here, it's not in any way easy, but I think we've struck a balance that we are both comfortable with. Who can live in that heightened emotional state constantly? Just as he was about to leave this morning, we agreed how odd it was, that we just had the hardest week of our marriage to date, yet it was - somehow - one of the best weeks we've had in a long, long time. Facing the reality of the infidelity has not been the 'best' - but reconnecting on so many levels, and spending quality time, both as a couple and as a family, where we are both making genuine and heartfelt efforts to nurture our marriage - has been wonderful. That is not to say I am yet in a place where I see this as a blessing in our lives - we BOTH wish it had not come to this, and that we could have found each other again in a better way. I've heard and read that many marriages that recover go on to be stronger, but I still don't know if I can ever say I'm 'grateful' that we've faced this. I guess what I AM saying, is that, I have hope now. I have faith in us as a couple, to face this and work on our marriage. I believe in him and that he will do all he can to help heal the wounds he has caused.

 

But to go back to your post - I agree. Time spent just 'being' is very important. I don't think we would be doing quite as well as we actually are, if we hadn't been doing this all along. Or, at least, since the day we decided to rebuild.

 

I think now that I can see it in important steps: discovery day - self explanatory; a few days later - recommitting day - when, just before bed (as he left to go sleep on the couch) I told him that I wanted to try again, not to walk away from our marriage; reconnecting day - when at bedtime, I asked him to sleep in our bed with me, as my best friend - and we treated it like a pj party ... I wasn't ready to fully 'share' the marital bed yet, but I wanted and needed my best friend to stay with me. It was the first time I was able to actually get any sleep at all since I first found out. He normally sleeps in the buff, but is respectfully wearing pj's until I am ready for that level of intimacy - and I still needed the lights on, for some reason. I've suddenly become afraid of the dark, for the first time in my life. Then the next night, I asked him to come back into the bedroom to stay, as long as we could continue for now with the pj's and cuddles - it felt so good to be so close to him again, and he made me feel safe, all the while respecting my fears and boundaries. The next morning, we enjoyed long cuddles, and our first step back to an intimate relationship, when we gently kissed, for ages. Nothing else - just holding each other, lots of gazing in eyes, a little crying, and long, tender kisses.

 

Like I said, baby steps. And so far, it seems to be working, and that makes my heart heal a little bit.

 

Not too fast, but also careful not to put too much distance between us - after all, we are trying to rebuild, not take a break. He is being very loving, reassuring, understanding of my ups and downs, patient, remorseful, yet positive and sure about our future - not in a cocky, self assured way, but in a supportive, I'm-in-for-the-long-haul kind of way. The man I fell in love with and married has returned. Thank God, thank you thank you thank you thank you God! Because you know what? I love him with every cell of my being. I'm still terribly hurt and pretty damn mad at him, but for what he has done - not who he is.

 

This is crazy - I never meant to post this much right now! I guess I got carried away. And I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense - it's really hard to convey what is happening here, so much has happened in such a short space of time. I think it may sound over simplified, but in truth, it's anything but.

 

All I know is that I love this man, and when I married him and vowed forever, I meant it. And I cannot walk away without a fight. He is worth it, our marriage is worth it, and *I* am worth it. My deepest fears are still present and painful: will it work? Can we really recover and rebuild from this, when it hurts so much? Will he remain this committed? Will I ever, truly and totally, trust him again? But I feel that - generally speaking - faith is believing in something when you have no tangible reason to, yet choosing believing anyway. I'm scared to death, but I go forward in faith. Yes, I am taking a risk, but I have to, because if it means finding a way, how can I not?

 

Once I got over the initial shock and anger and the uncomfortable-ness when he first came home, I looked inside my heart. I didn't know the right words to say, the right way to handle this, so I just faced the reality of my feelings: that I do love him, that I do believe he is a good man who regrets making a seriously wrong and terrible mistake, that I don't want to be without him (provided of course that he was willing to recommit.) And with that, I just decided to approach this whole mess as openly and honestly as I can. Yes, I am mad, but I am mad because I am hurt.

 

He tells me that I have been very fair and have handled this with dignity and grace - that I am stronger than I realize and that I should be proud of who I am. He is constantly telling me how grateful he is that I have been respectful and patient with him as he fumbles with his own pain, regret and remorse. He told me that the way I have dealt with this had only reinforced what he already knew about me and the woman I am - and that he loves me all the more for it. He insists that I would have been well within my rights to shout and scream and kick him out, but that he will be forever grateful for my patience, willingness to work toward forgiveness and healing, and for giving him the chance to prove himself to me. That he is only sorry that it took for him to hurt me so unforgivably to be painfully reminded how happy and in love we already were, and are - that while at the time, he felt pushed away, but now he realizes it was actually he who pulled away.

 

We have worked long and hard to get to this point, both of us, and I'm actually proud of us.

 

All this, I think, is why it is so hard to see him leave again today. The way I feel about our journey so far, where we are right now - it is not an immediate trust issue - he has voluntarily taken steps that completely prove to me and reassure me that he is present and accountable in our marriage. It is more the stepping-away, when we are working so hard at reconnecting - and being alone with my thoughts, my fears. At first it was very hard to let him close again, but such a relief and very comforting when I was able to again.

 

He left really early this morning, and I woke to find little post-it's with love messages *everywhere* - I'm still finding them, and it's wonderful! He is calling constantly, sending sweet little texts, emailing, being very supportive and helpful - not only emotionally, but practically, too: he knows I'm busy with the kids, and stressed and burned out from all of this, so he surprised me and took away some tasks (household 'stuff' - chasing a query with the health insurance, calling our sons preschool to register him for fall classes, etc etc) I had planned to do this week, and has helped me from afar. I could go on - the truth is, without my asking, he is going above and beyond what I could have even thought of to ask for. And it's helping, by god, it's helping.

 

Since the day we both committed to our marriage, he has been there ready and willing with whatever I need - space and time, or plenty of cuddles - and all variants in between.

 

But with him gone, I cannot just go to him, in a moment of weakness or sadness, and hug him, hear him whisper, 'I've got you baby, I'm right here. I love you and I am going to fix this. You have every right to be scared but I will prove to you that you are safe with me. I love you implicitly, you are safe with me, I will never hurt you again.' Just being present in that embrace works wonders for my hurting heart.

 

I miss him terribly.

 

It's like, now that we have 'woken up' to this, we don't want to waste another precious moment of our love and life together. I know to take it as slow as I need, and I thoroughly plan to - but we both just wish we could still be together right now.

 

Enough rambling from me - I need to try and get some sleep ... sending you all love, peace and HOPE - Jennifer

[Lynna]

Angel, so glad to hear that things are looking hopeful for you and that you are recovering slowly both you, and your marriage.

 

This past week, we played almost as much as we worked.

 

That is VERY good! It is extremely important to be able to play and relax together, to remember how much you just enjoy being with each other. To remember what it is you loved about that person from the beginning. It is NEVER wrong to set aside time for playing, it can only help the healing process.

 

The first few days were pretty fraught with high emotions, and after a while, we agreed that neither of us could continue like that - beat it to death and drive ourselves to exhaustion. We decided - after getting through the immediate pain of the new discovery and the aftermath of the dust settling - to just take it as it comes.

 

You are right. You can't beat it to death. You do and will have to continue to deal with it, but you are right, you need to take it a little at a time. Something this huge cannot be fixed in one discussion or one week. It will take a LOT of time and many discussions like this. If you don't ever take time to step away from it it will wear you both down and will not be good for your marriage.

 

I am thankful to say that we reconnected as best friends, and although it has, at times, seemed a little strange, we've been helping each other through it.

 

That is not strange at all. You HAVE to help each other through this. If you can't be there for each other, if you are not both dedicated to healing and recovery for each other as well as for yourselves, then you don't have a marriage to rebuild. So the fact that you can means that you do have hope and you do have a chance of rebuilding your marriage and making it stronger than ever.

 

In fact, we have spoken of how tragic it is that things had to reach this point to remind us how good we are together...we agreed how odd it was, that we just had the hardest week of our marriage to date, yet it was - somehow - one of the best weeks we've had in a long, long time.

 

Unfortunately, we often can't see the good in life until we see it contrasted against the bad. I just wish the bad did not have to be SO bad. But then I guess the good could not be SO good. Yin-yang, balance, that is all essential in a complete life. For better or for worse.

 

...reconnecting day - when at bedtime, I asked him to sleep in our bed with me, as my best friend - and we treated it like a pj party ... I wasn't ready to fully 'share' the marital bed yet, but I wanted and needed my best friend to stay with me. It was the first time I was able to actually get any sleep at all since I first found out. He normally sleeps in the buff, but is respectfully wearing pj's until I am ready for that level of intimacy - and I still needed the lights on, for some reason. I've suddenly become afraid of the dark, for the first time in my life. Then the next night, I asked him to come back into the bedroom to stay, as long as we could continue for now with the pj's and cuddles - it felt so good to be so close to him again, and he made me feel safe, all the while respecting my fears and boundaries. The next morning, we enjoyed long cuddles, and our first step back to an intimate relationship, when we gently kissed, for ages. Nothing else - just holding each other, lots of gazing in eyes, a little crying, and long, tender kisses.

 

Going slowly is good, but as was pointed out to me, so is allowing that physical contact. We are by nature physical beings. We need to be touched, to be held, and to be kissed tenderly. I am glad that he is respecting your boundaries. Give it time and the rest will come back as well I am sure (as long as he is cootie free anyway). Don't rush things, take it step by step only as far as you are comfortable.

 

I can't blame you about wanting to leave the lights on. In darkness things can hide, his infidelity hid in the darkness of dishonesty and lies. Right now you can't bear to have the darkness because you don't know what other monsters might be hiding out there to hurt you again. Gradually you will progress, get a night light, a small lamp, or a bright plug in, when you are ready you will be able to progress to that, though that may not happen for awhile. I also bet it won't happen before he is home again. I had to do the same thing after I foudn out about my H's A.

 

I love him with every cell of my being. I'm still terribly hurt and pretty damn mad at him, but for what he has done - not who he is.

 

And THAT will allow you to heal. You love HIM but hate the ACTIONS he took. That is a very important step, you can recognize that there is more to this person than these specific actions. You can recognize that you both can move beyond those actions.

 

That he is only sorry that it took for him to hurt me so unforgivably to be painfully reminded how happy and in love we already were, and are - that while at the time, he felt pushed away, but now he realizes it was actually he who pulled away.

 

He is taking responsibilty for his actions. That will allow you both to heal. When the WS refuses to take responsibility and to take actions to fix what went wrong, then there is no hope. So you have good grounds for hope.

 

We have worked long and hard to get to this point, both of us, and I'm actually proud of us.

 

As well you should be. I am pround of you too!!!!!!!

 

All this, I think, is why it is so hard to see him leave again today....I miss him terribly.

 

Yes, I knew that would be hard. I know exactly what you are feeling right now. It was EXCRUCIATING when my H moved out for his new job and I stayed behind to finish mine. In some ways I was glad for the separation because it gave us both some time to think. But in other ways I wanted to be with him so that we could continue to rebuild and to rediscover each other. I know what you mean about having him hold you and protect you, especially when you realize that in this case he is protecting you from the things HE has done. It is a good feeling when you can still take comfort in his arms. Again, it is a sign of hope.

 

He left really early this morning, and I woke to find little post-it's with love messages *everywhere* - I'm still finding them, and it's wonderful! He is calling constantly, sending sweet little texts, emailing, being very supportive and helpful - not only emotionally, but practically, too: he knows I'm busy with the kids, and stressed and burned out from all of this, so he surprised me and took away some tasks (household 'stuff' - chasing a query with the health insurance, calling our sons preschool to register him for fall classes, etc etc) I had planned to do this week, and has helped me from afar. I could go on - the truth is, without my asking, he is going above and beyond what I could have even thought of to ask for. And it's helping, by god, it's helping.

 

Wonderful! Good for him! He can really see that HE needs to work on fixing things. He is really committed to you, your family, and to making things work. I am so happy for you!

 

You are in the process of healing both yourselves as individuals and your marriage that is wonderful. I know that if you continue like this that you will be able to survive and get through this terrible time. You will come out stronger in the end. Hopefully you will never experience such a difficult time again. Hang in there!