bigme1000 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 hi i am new here and have found a place where i can get some advise. this may be a little long, but my past is needed for the current situation. let me start out with me being 30yrs old, and about four years ago i was in a long 5 year relationship with my gf. everything was going good, until she told me an old male friend from high school she knew had come down and they had gone for lunch. i was cool with that, i was never the jealous bf, far from it. i never asked any questions. then a few months later she tells me again he is in town, and wants to go out, at this point i stated to get a feeling in my gut that something was not right. well i ignored the feeling i had, and allowed her to go out, i was very trusting and never jealous bf, and to make a long story short, she left me to marry him a few months later after we broke up. now fast forward to the present. i have completely recovered from that, but have learned my lesson on trusting my gut instinct. since this incident i have found that i am very perceptive when it comes to reading people and their intentions. now i have been in a wonderful relationship with my present gf for close to 3yrs. i have learned from the mistakes i made in the last relationship, so this one was going great up until 2yrs into this relationship, on occassion a mutual friend would come and visit and hangout with us and we would go a visit him. i knew she had been interested in him before she had met me, but he lived out of state. and she insisted that i was the only one for her. well one night we all went out as a group and the my gut feeling returned. this time i confronted her and and asked her, why i might be getting this feeling. she insisted that it was nothing, until she confessed that she was confused. she said she loved me, but she was confused, but she couldn't explain about what. well we both agreed that she should cut all ties to him and she agreed, and my feeling went away. now present day, my gf has gone back to school, full time and i hardly see her and go out with her, all she does is study. the times we talk, its all about this one guy, and how he did this, his test score, we went to the library,went to the addmisions building, we went to eat lunch.......... i was cool about it until she let slip that she thought he had a hot body, then my gut feeling came back. and again i questioned her, and she insisted that he was gay, and that she doesn't see him as a love interest and that she would never go out with him. i told her that i didn't trust him, and me being a guy i know what most guys at the age of 27 want. so i started telling her, "i bet he does this when he is with you" and she would agree and " i bet he tells you this" and she agreed. i then laid out his entire plan to her before he would even do anything. she would tell me at the end of the day that i was right, and she now sees that he is interested. but she insisted that she was not and that she wouldn't flirt with him, she even told me she told him they were just friends, but my gut feeling did not go away. i told her that it feels as if she couldn't give me all of her love, and that she is holding some back, and she agreed, saying this is how she is and eventually she will give it to me all and she needs time. This next part of the story i am ashamed of. i found her diary laying around, so i started reading it, i regret it now because it is eating me up. well i read that in several entries, after we had an argument that she wanted to see our mutual friend to find out if there was anything there between them. and she wished she could just kiss him to find out, and not once did she mention how i would feel by her leaving to see him. that entry was about 5 months ago. as i kept reading to the current entries, she stopped writing about me, and started writing about the guy in her class, and how hot he is and how she gets excited when he is around. she went on how she would sit close to him and flirt with him and how he would put his head on her shoulder and such. then in one entry she wrote that one time when i was being intimate with her she imagined me as him and she got turned on when she wasn't initially. she refered to me as something good and healthy for her, and he was like a pies of cake bad a full of calories, but tastes so much better. after reading the diary, i have still asked probing questions, and she denies that she flirts with him and doesn't think about him. but she lies to me that she hadn't called him and when i told her to see her phone history his name was there, and i told her why is she so secretive with him if nothing is going on and she said she didn't want to get me mad by telling me. i even offered to meet him with her, but she said i will never meet him for fear of what i might do. this is the biggest piece of bs, since i weigh 140 pounds thin and have never shown a tendency towards violence, all i want to do i meet him and show that i am still in the picture. she doesn't know that i read her diary. so my gut feeling is still there. she had told her sister about me and how i was acting and the sister obviously sided with her and that i was totally out of line, because i seriously doubt that she told her what she wrote in the diary. so i have dropped the topic but it is still eating at me. everything seems normal with her, but everytime she kiss me, i am wondering if she is thinking about the other two guys or is she kissing me. now i don't know what i should do. should i try a ride out the storm, because i really love this women, or should i cut my losses now. she had her sister to give her advise, i don't have anybody so i have come to you all for some advise as to what i should do, and how should i feel about all this. please help me .
Touche Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Bigme, I'd love to read your post and try to help but you need paragraphs. You'll get WAY more responses that way. Can you re-post with paragraphs please. I can't read this. Thanks.
Touche Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Ok, I felt badly since you're a new poster and went back and strained my eyes to read your post. But please do something with it because you just won't get nearly the responses that you would otherwise. My story is that I was once your g/f. I had a b/f but met someone else and fantasized about him and wrote about him in my diary, etc. To make a long story short, I ended up marrying the man I was fantasizing about and dreaming about. It's over. I hate to say it but it's true. My answer would be different to you if you'd been married for years and years to this woman. But you're only b/f and g/f for 3 years. If this is happening at this stage of the game then it's simply not meant to be. I'd move on. It's only a matter of time, in my opinion, before she breaks up with you. I'm really sorry to say this but that's what I think. Is she in her 20's?
Author bigme1000 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 thank you touche, i tried to edit, but it says that i cannot, that time has expired. any way thank you for your advise. since you have been this position i would like to ask you. why? i have avoided the mistakes that i made in previous relationships and this one seems to be going the same direction as the last. i make her laugh, i try to keep things spontaneous,we rarely fight, she lives with me rent free, i workout and she seems to find me attractive. every one including her tell me that i am one of the most thoughtful and caring persons they have met. so i don't know what women want, maybe i should watch the movie? oh i forgot to answer your question she is 28. thanks
Touche Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 thank you touche, i tried to edit, but it says that i cannot, that time has expired. any way thank you for your advise. since you have been this position i would like to ask you. why? i have avoided the mistakes that i made in previous relationships and this one seems to be going the same direction as the last. i make her laugh, i try to keep things spontaneous,we rarely fight, she lives with me rent free, i workout and she seems to find me attractive. every one including her tell me that i am one of the most thoughtful and caring persons they have met. so i don't know what women want, maybe i should watch the movie? oh i forgot to answer your question she is 28. thanks Well, she's old enough that she shouldn't be so fickle by now. I'd watch her closely now. If need be you're going to have to give her an ultimatum. It sounds like she's pulling away from you. She's either completely with your or she should be out. You don't want to waste time with her if she's not completely into you. And I would have a frank talk and tell her that. Don't be wimpy about this or she'll walk all over you and continue to take advantage of your kind nature. Be strong and forthright. And gauge her reaction very carefully. If she gets defensive, that's not a good sign. If she understands and acknowledges what you're saying, that can be good. Just pay attention. You may end up having to tell her to leave though. Be prepared for that possibility. I would also, when you have this talk, own up to the fact that you did see her diary and phone records. Might as well put all your cards on the table. Tell her no more games or it's over. It's that simple.
Author bigme1000 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 hi i am new here and have found a place where i can get some advise. this may be a little long, but my past is needed for the current situation. let me start out with me being 30yrs old, and about four years ago i was in a long 5 year relationship with my gf. everything was going good, until she told me an old male friend from high school she knew had come down and they had gone for lunch. i was cool with that, i was never the jealous bf, far from it. i never asked any questions. then a few months later she tells me again he is in town, and wants to go out, at this point i stated to get a feeling in my gut that something was not right. well i ignored the feeling i had, and allowed her to go out, i was very trusting and never jealous bf, and to make a long story short, she left me to marry him a few months later after we broke up. now fast forward to the present. i have completely recovered from that, but have learned my lesson on trusting my gut instinct. since this incident i have found that i am very perceptive when it comes to reading people and their intentions. now i have been in a wonderful relationship with my present gf for close to 3yrs. i have learned from the mistakes i made in the last relationship, so this one was going great up until 2yrs into this relationship, on occassion a mutual friend would come and visit and hangout with us and we would go a visit him. i knew she had been interested in him before she had met me, but he lived out of state. and she insisted that i was the only one for her. well one night we all went out as a group and the my gut feeling returned. this time i confronted her and and asked her, why i might be getting this feeling. she insisted that it was nothing, until she confessed that she was confused. she said she loved me, but she was confused, but she couldn't explain about what. well we both agreed that she should cut all ties to him and she agreed, and my feeling went away. now present day, my gf has gone back to school, full time and i hardly see her and go out with her, all she does is study. the times we talk, its all about this one guy, and how he did this, his test score, we went to the library,went to the addmisions building, we went to eat lunch.......... i was cool about it until she let slip that she thought he had a hot body, then my gut feeling came back. and again i questioned her, and she insisted that he was gay, and that she doesn't see him as a love interest and that she would never go out with him. i told her that i didn't trust him, and me being a guy i know what most guys at the age of 27 want. so i started telling her, "i bet he does this when he is with you" and she would agree and " i bet he tells you this" and she agreed. i then laid out his entire plan to her before he would even do anything. she would tell me at the end of the day that i was right, and she now sees that he is interested. but she insisted that she was not and that she wouldn't flirt with him, she even told me she told him they were just friends, but my gut feeling did not go away. i told her that it feels as if she couldn't give me all of her love, and that she is holding some back, and she agreed, saying this is how she is and eventually she will give it to me all and she needs time. This next part of the story i am ashamed of. i found her diary laying around, so i started reading it, i regret it now because it is eating me up. well i read that in several entries, after we had an argument that she wanted to see our mutual friend to find out if there was anything there between them. and she wished she could just kiss him to find out, and not once did she mention how i would feel by her leaving to see him. that entry was about 5 months ago. as i kept reading to the current entries, she stopped writing about me, and started writing about the guy in her class, and how hot he is and how she gets excited when he is around. she went on how she would sit close to him and flirt with him and how he would put his head on her shoulder and such. then in one entry she wrote that one time when i was being intimate with her she imagined me as him and she got turned on when she wasn't initially. she refered to me as something good and healthy for her, and he was like a pies of cake bad a full of calories, but tastes so much better. after reading the diary, i have still asked probing questions, and she denies that she flirts with him and doesn't think about him. but she lies to me that she hadn't called him and when i told her to see her phone history his name was there, and i told her why is she so secretive with him if nothing is going on and she said she didn't want to get me mad by telling me. i even offered to meet him with her, but she said i will never meet him for fear of what i might do. this is the biggest piece of bs, since i weigh 140 pounds thin and have never shown a tendency towards violence, all i want to do i meet him and show that i am still in the picture. she doesn't know that i read her diary. so my gut feeling is still there. she had told her sister about me and how i was acting and the sister obviously sided with her and that i was totally out of line, because i seriously doubt that she told her what she wrote in the diary. so i have dropped the topic but it is still eating at me. everything seems normal with her, but everytime she kiss me, i am wondering if she is thinking about the other two guys or is she kissing me. now i don't know what i should do. should i try a ride out the storm, because i really love this women, or should i cut my losses now. she had her sister to give her advise, i don't have anybody so i have come to you all for some advise as to what i should do, and how should i feel about all this. please help me .
Touche Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Oh and you asked me why. By the way I did live with that b/f too. I just felt like he was an extremely nice person but in the end not exactly what I was looking for. Intellectually I never felt like we were on the same level. Physically, he wasn't exactly my type either. We had many laughs and did lots of fun things together but he just wasn't exactly the man I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. I really didn't know WHAT I was looking for at the time (I was 23) but I realized after some time, that he wasn't it. I felt terrible about the way I went about things though (and he read my diary and even WROTE in it) but what can I say? You live and learn.
Author bigme1000 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 i re-posted hopefully that helped, but thank you for your honesty and thank you for your advise i will take it into consideration. anybody else?
Touche Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 i re-posted hopefully that helped, but thank you for your honesty and thank you for your advise i will take it into consideration. anybody else? You're welcome, bigme. And hopefully now you'll get more responses. So do you think you can sit her down and talk to her? It stinks but sometimes we find out that we're just not right for someone as nice as they may be. I found out that that b/f met someone shortly after me and has been married for over 20 years now. So maybe this just isn't right for YOU either.
Author bigme1000 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Well, she's old enough that she shouldn't be so fickle by now. I'd watch her closely now. If need be you're going to have to give her an ultimatum. It sounds like she's pulling away from you. She's either completely with your or she should be out. You don't want to waste time with her if she's not completely into you. And I would have a frank talk and tell her that. Don't be wimpy about this or she'll walk all over you and continue to take advantage of your kind nature. Be strong and forthright. And gauge her reaction very carefully. If she gets defensive, that's not a good sign. If she understands and acknowledges what you're saying, that can be good. Just pay attention. You may end up having to tell her to leave though. Be prepared for that possibility. I would also, when you have this talk, own up to the fact that you did see her diary and phone records. Might as well put all your cards on the table. Tell her no more games or it's over. It's that simple. we have had that conversation, and i explained to her that i could not be in a relationship were she couldn't give all her love to me. and she said that she has always been like this even with past relationships, and she will need sometime to do this. she is a very private person and very independent person, so i can see why she is apprehensive to give everything to one person. but i am still thinking "come on" we have talked about marriage. she has even said that her own family has told her that it seems sometimes she doesn't love them, because she is so cold and does let any body in fully. could she have some intimacy issues?
Touche Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 we have had that conversation, and i explained to her that i could not be in a relationship were she couldn't give all her love to me. and she said that she has always been like this even with past relationships, and she will need sometime to do this. she is a very private person and very independent person, so i can see why she is apprehensive to give everything to one person. but i am still thinking "come on" we have talked about marriage. she has even said that her own family has told her that it seems sometimes she doesn't love them, because she is so cold and does let any body in fully. could she have some intimacy issues? She very well might. It's hard to say. You're in the best position to know that. I would not invest too much more time in this. Marriage won't fix this problem. It sounds to me like she may not be able to be completely loyal to you. You should give this a time limit of some kind so that you do not waste more time with someone who is not fully invested in you.
halfarock Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 …i hardly see her and go out with her… …she let slip that she thought he had a hot body,,, …it feels as if she couldn't give me all of her love… …how hot he is and how she gets excited when he is around… …she refered to me as something good and healthy for her, and he was like a pies of cake bad a full of calories, but tastes so much better… … but she lies to me… … since i weigh 140 pounds thin and have never shown a tendency towards violence… …the sister obviously sided with her and that i was totally out of line… Are you sure you are her boyfriend? Why does she hang around you? Do you pay her bills? Your whole post comes off like you’re a whiney wimp – like you’re the type of guy that chicks hang out with until someone that they really like comes along. If I was hot for some chick and she had someone like you for a boyfriend, (as your posts make you seem) I wouldn’t see it as an obstacle. Like the bit about her not wanting you to confront the object of her affections; it’s probably not that she’s worried about you getting violent or anything, but more likely she’s worried about what the other guy would think.
Touche Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Are you sure you are her boyfriend? Why does she hang around you? Do you pay her bills? Your whole post comes off like you’re a whiney wimp – like you’re the type of guy that chicks hang out with until someone that they really like comes along. If I was hot for some chick and she had someone like you for a boyfriend, (as your posts make you seem) I wouldn’t see it as an obstacle. Like the bit about her not wanting you to confront the object of her affections; it’s probably not that she’s worried about you getting violent or anything, but more likely she’s worried about what the other guy would think. OUCH! But actually I think there's a grain of truth here. You need to "man up" bigme. (Where's Gunny when you need him?) Don't be afraid to really tell her how it needs to be.
Damo Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Your a very patient man! Personally I couldn't cope unless both parties laid all cards on the table. I've a friend in a similar situation. I figure he reckons he'll never feel for any one else the way the feels for her. Hence the fact he puts up with the bs. Is this your case?
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