bhug82 Posted February 22, 2003 Posted February 22, 2003 I've known this woman for five years. Then right before Christmas 2002, we went out and saw each other almost everyday for two months till she just out of the blue told me she lied to me about not having feelings about anyone else but me. She still has feelings for her ex-boyfriend, which she knows he's no good for her or her kids. To backup a bit, she's been on and off with her ex for three years. They broke up three times because he was miserable to her and her kids and they fought everyday. She told me he has a lot of probelms and could be dangerous. She found a homemade knife under her daughter's bed that he had made. Then when he says he's changed, she believes it , go back out with him only to break up with him again. Now back to present- Since we have been out, she said I was perfect, asked me if I was an angel or a saint, understanding, caring, helpful, marvelous to her kids and her and everything that any woman could ever want. She still says that I am all those things and she wanted this relationship to really work. We did so much together in a short time. She said she wasn't tired of seeing me everyday and that she would never hurt me and I could trust her. Then one day boom. She kicked me to the curb and treated me like I was highly contagious. But maintains all of the compliments she gave me. Lucky for me that we still email and are friends, but I can't push for more than that. It's a longer story to than this. I don't know what the heck is going on. What do you think? It was that sudden. He had talked with her before she gave me the boot. She also said that he's stalked her, been outside her home at night and has shown up at her job, putting notes on her car, calling her at work and popping in, plus calling her at home.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 22, 2003 Posted February 22, 2003 Sometimes women stay with men that are not good for them because they don't feel they deserve better. Now that might not be a conscious thought, but it could be unconscious or mindless. It's why some stay in a cycle of bad relationships. But she was right in saying that she still had feelings for him which is why she could shift so suddenly. It's a good thing that both of you remain friends. It seems this woman has deeper self-esteem issues that could eventually hinder a good romantic relationship between the both of you, regardless of the glowing reports she gives you. You don't just want to be in a physically healthy relationship (her leaving a bad situation for someone good like you), but you want her to be emotionally and mentally healthy as well which no one can do that for her but her.
Author bhug82 Posted February 23, 2003 Author Posted February 23, 2003 Thanks for your input. It makes me feel a little better hearing something that makes sense. I'm keeping the friendship going and so is she. I'm not showing a sad face or crying the blues cause she broke up with me. Just going to be there for her and not say why me?
Author bhug82 Posted February 23, 2003 Author Posted February 23, 2003 Well my last topic (skelton) from yesterday had a couple responses, but now it's onto church day with my ex. She didn't mind me coming to our church after she broke up with me on Wednesday night and her two daughters liked seeing me. Dawn did say good morning and I said good morning so that went well. I didn't have anything clever to say so I gave her space. She sat on one side of the small church were we sat the last two months of Sundays and I on the other. She told me that God would make me strong and when we sang, my voice was as strong as ever. She always said I had a great voice. I know she heard me singing the praise songs but I wasn't trying to rise above anyone else which she knows from last services, but I just do. A lady in my row was into the music as well. Well I didn't keep staring back to her except when the pastor walked up the middle of the row. The guy (her ex before me) that I mentioned yesterday who had been stalking her and harrassing her and being really jealous of me, sat in the row right behind her. I thought he might be sitting beside her like I was last church service. He sat right behind us before and commented that we were sitting too close together. "Not even the married people sit as close as you two, he had told her. After church I talked with her kids a few times and I went up to her and said to have a good day. I tried to keep things light. I talked with a few friends that I had met through her and then went out to my car. Her daughters were just getting in their car and they both yelled goodbye to me. I know they miss me being around. One of them wants her to marry me. The other likes when I come over to their house. I treated them both special and did things with them on a one to one basis a lot. I had forgotten my umbrella so I ran back inside and when I opened the door, Dawn was right there coming out. We exchanged goodbyes as she went through the door that I had opened and I said I forgot my umbrella and we both said bye. Now I have my cell phone on and I'll wait to see what email she sends me tomorrow morning. We are doing well through email since Thursday. I'm trying to give her space and not smother her as she wanted me with her everyday for two months we were together. Now she says we can still be friends and we can see each other occasionally. That's better than nothing at all. Am I on the right track. I'm keeping myself busy right now.
Tony T Posted February 23, 2003 Posted February 23, 2003 No, you're not on the right track. Being on the right track is writing her off and moving on. Right now, be friendly but you have to act like you have broken up...not like you're playing games back and forth as far as being seen and heard by her. Don't let that be an issue. Wish her the best and go on with your life. You seem to still be centering things you do around her, measuring distances, loudness of your singing, distance of her ex before you sitting behind her, etc. Forget all that crap. Sit wherever you want in church, do whatever you want to do, and enjoy your new freedom. If you keep on conducting your life as it relates to this lady, you'll never get over her. And if you try to be her good friend, you'll get false hopes and lose sight of the fact that it's good quality romance you want in your life...and not a whole bunch of lady buddies.
Author bhug82 Posted February 23, 2003 Author Posted February 23, 2003 I don't know if you read "skelton" from yesterday. She did tell me to give her space and that she didn't mind me coming to church. The singing part was what I always do, not like I was shouting, but harmonizing with everyone else. It's called harmony. Another lady in my row was harmonizing as well. Dawn didn't give me dirty looks for being there, just the same sweet smile she always gives. We've been friends for five years and it's easy for both of us to remail friends. She says that I'm so easy to talk with and we have alot on common. Just because we broke up doesn't mean we become strangers. Tony, you may pack up and run, but when two people decide to stay friends and we think it can work that way, then I don't have to get out of town. I do appreciate your reply.
Tony T Posted February 23, 2003 Posted February 23, 2003 OK, I'll go along. But my experience has been that people who break up after a very high powered romance find it very difficult to be friends, especially for a while. There are exceptions, of course, and yours seems to be one of them. You are right, it's difficult to reply to posts if details are sprinkled all over the forum. If this is a temporary giving of space, it seems to be going quite jolly. If this was a permanent breakup, I don't think you'll feel real good when you see her start to date other people. As long as you're happy, do whatever you feel you need to do. That should be our goal in life.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 24, 2003 Posted February 24, 2003 Whether her boyfriend sat next to her or two rows down from her should not be your concern. As a matter of fact, what they do should not concern you. And if she's talking to you complaining about him, don't listen to her. Tell her that you want to stay out of their situation. She made her choice that she wants to be with him, and out of respect for him even though you think he may be a lowlife, you need to limit your contact with your ex even though both of you have been friends for 5 years for the simple fact that both of you had been more than friends not too long ago. Boundaries have to set. What you need to ask yourself regardless of how long you two have been friends, is if you still have romantic feelings for her. And you need to be honest with yourself. If she left this guy today and wanted to come back with you, would you let her back? Do you dream about getting back together? Do wish to be the one who rescues her from a bad relationships? And once again, do you have any romantic feelings for her? Because if you do, you're only fooling yourself into thinking both of you can be nothing but friends right now because your thinking is always going to clouded with those feelings for her. It seems to me that you want to stay friends with her just to keep contact with her just in case. I'm not saying you can't be friends. What I'm saying is be honest about your true motives for wanting to stay friends.
Author bhug82 Posted February 25, 2003 Author Posted February 25, 2003 Well Dawn didn't go back to her ex because of all the problems she had with him. Now why woud she leave me when she said we gel together and I'm caring understanding, helpful, thoughful, perfect and everything a woman could ever want? She said she wanted it to work and it was. At least we are still friends like we were five years ago. Okay women, why do you drop the "good guys" and the healthy relationships?
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 26, 2003 Posted February 26, 2003 The reason why she could leave you? Because she could, and because she wanted to. If she didn't want to, she'd still be with you. The reason she is with her ex instead of you is because she wants to be with him, and obviously she loves him more. It doesn't have to be right to you, it doesn't have to be fair. It's what she wants. Just because she said you were all those good things doesn't mean she wants to be with you. I have very attractive male friends that I can see would make terrific mates, but that doesn't mean I want to get with them. A person can recognize good qualities in others and not want to be romantically involved with them. What it all boils down to is who you want to love in that special way, and she's made her choice. It may be baffling to you, but it's her choice. If you're that good, you'll spend you time trying to find someone that will appreciate those qualities enough to want get romantically involved with you.
guest Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 She sounds like she's using the both of you. How long do you want to be her doormat? I agree with the last post by ThisGirlNamed KD. This woman wants her cake and to eat it too. Well, let her eat it with her ex then. Let her see that you can get along fine without her and that you have moved on. I'm sure there is someone perfect out there for you.
Author bhug82 Posted February 27, 2003 Author Posted February 27, 2003 Thank you all for your "movin on" advice. All I need is some time and I'll live. The only thing I wanted to do was pour out my hurt and get it off my chest. Some reply's make me sound like an idiot, but in time I will heal again.
flowers Posted March 1, 2003 Posted March 1, 2003 look your not an idiot. YOur a nice guy, and obviously she doesn't see it. Maybe she will in the future....and it may be too late for her then because you may have been moved on by that time Look....the responses that you read from people is just an outsiders point of view. You know your feelings....and i am sure that you love this women very much....and want to hang on, But, i need to tell you...the more that you hang on...the less she will know what it is to be without you. You need to keep your distance as much as possible with this women. I am sure she is a very kind person...but, she gave you her choice...and now let her live with it. You should make her responsible for her choice...and not stick around or converse with her.. Maybe she will be back if she finds out what it is like to be without you...however, that may take a while for her to come to her senses or even realize what a great guy you are. And, maybe she will never be back... but by having no contact with her....unless she asks for you back....you will find out sooner. This is the only way that you will find out if you are meant to be......is if you have no contact with her....and let her live her life according to the choices she has made. drop a line for support anytime
Just A Girl2 Posted March 1, 2003 Posted March 1, 2003 Hi there, You wrote: Lucky for me that we still email and are friends, but I can't push for more than that. It's a longer story to than this." You're not lucky at all. You've had your time and heart wasted by a dingbat who could simply be telling you a long line of BS. Let me say, I know about domestic abuse and being a victim of an abusive partner....been there, done that, that was many years ago. Luckily we didn't have any children, I got the courage to stand up for myself, I had his sorry ass charged w/ assault, I left him and divorced him and I don't regret it. I understand fully how brainwashed women can be, who are in abusive, codependent relationships..........it can be a very vicious cycle.........but I'd have to seriously question the honesty and/or mental stability of any woman who continues to be involved with an allegedly violent man, given the account you have, ESPECIALLY when she's found some freaking homemade knife (made by him) under her own daughter's bed. Hello? She then goes on to tell you that he's stalked her, bla bla. Could be true, might be a line of BS to justify going back to him. How do you know? You don't, and you never will. Would someone in their right mind, have their children (they're not even his kids, right?) around such a loser? Would someone in their right mind continue to go back to someone who treated her badly and STALKED HER? I don't think so. Either she's full of huge amounts of horse manure, or she's very unstable. Either way, you don't need to waste any more of your time on her. Either way, she's got more issues and baggage than the Hoover Dam. You want to maintain a friendship with her, WHY? So she can break up with him one day, run back to you, you give your heart to her again and then one day after that she goes back to him? You're worth more than that, right? Of course you are! Secondly, IF this guy is as violent and possessive and crazy as she makes him out to be, what do you think he'd do/say if he found out his lil' missus is corresponding with another man: you? Do you really want to find out? Do you really want to risk having your clock cleaned? I would hope not. She has no business being "friends" with someone she's dated. She has her own crap to deal with...........and it seems she can't stay away from him. For all you know, maybe he's really her husband? How did you 2 meet, online? Maybe SHE's the nutty one who keeps leaving HIM, looking to have a short fling with someone else? Regardless, may God help her poor children..who unfortunately had no say in being born to an unstable mother, being raised in a chaotic, violent (if what she says is true) environment. You don't need 'friends' like this. Life is short. There are many SINGLE women out there who would be more worthy of your time and friendship. Color me stupid but I have this feeling she's really just full of sh*t. Best of luck.
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