funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Ok from what i can see i have come through the worst of it, not fully healed but not too bad at all. I was following these rules. For the first month of our break-up (she ended it) i did everything wrong, but then i realised with help from here what i had to do........look after number 1 thsi is what helped me. 1) realise that it is over, no going back 2) If she askes to be freinds, dont its eighter for their guilt, or to make them feel good while they move on to the next. ( i learnt the hard way with the latter) 3) You have to go into no contact, without a dought. Its the only way to heal, and get back your respect from her and yourself, but its for you, not too make them miss you. They proberly dont give a damm and your doing them a favor by staying out of their life, and why would you what to know whats going in their lives anymore. Not our buisness. 4) It does'nt matter why it ended it has. You have to try not to blame yourself for anything, its over and it will not help. 5) closure, there is no such thing. That comes from yourself, and after a few weeks of no contact, you will be able to forgive your self and your ex, and then you know your on the way to moving on. 6) feel every emotion, dont hold back, let it come out, but do not speak or contact the ex, post here instead. 7) Learn from the relationship, and use it to spot sighns for the next one. 8) give yourself enough time to recover and re-group before going into something new. you have to be happy before you can make someone else happy. 9) Keeping busy does'nt always help. if you wanna cry on the couch do it. 10) If you have any stuff you can return do it, and dont put in a note. you will always be waiting for the contact for the items from your ex, send it back take control. 11) Dont exept too much from yourself, and dont be hard onyourself. if its someone you loved, it can be so hard 12) Nothing matters exept you, if you lose weight like i did, use it tone up like i did, and soon you'll feel good about yourself. I lost her and her 3 kids in one go, and was devistated. After a month of hoping i gave in and did the above. Five weeks later im confident again, nd feeling days of compleat freedom. I have bad hours, but no where near the intensity of a month ago. i know now the relationship would never had worked, and i nearly made some massive changes to be with her, but i felt inside best not too just yet, and now i know it was the right chioce.I wasn't happy for a number of reasons, and nor was she, but we did love each other. but im better off without her. most important thing NO CONTACT AT ALL WHAT SO EVER. anyway, i hope it helps anyone here.
London Girl Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 FunkyBasePlayer - thanks for your advice. I am still finding it difficult. Like you, I met my ex when he was going through a divorce and I feel that if he had dealt with his issues and was happy with himself then we might still be together to this day. I feel like he blamed me for a lot of the hurt his ex wife caused him. I know he has started dating and may be with someone right now. He has not been in contact at all since we lost our baby in March. He has caused me so much hurt and pain. You mention that I should return all stuff. The problem is we have not had any contact in nearly four months and I am determined to stick with no contact otherwise I feel like I am using his stuff as an excuse to reintiate contact. He has my flat key and I have some of his DVDs and a few item of clothing - he has not asked for them back. I don't know what to do with his things and not sure if I should keep hold of them incase he does contact me one day.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 London Girl - get your key back or change the locks. If you have a break-in the insurance is invalid if there is a key out there on the loose (I had this situ last week). As for returning his things, I wouldn't bother, he hasn't missed them.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 At least he was divorcing her, my ex would cry and get depressed if he text her crap, but she would'nt divorce him, that drove me away, and i never felt i could connect while she was displying so much emotion for some1 she is ment to be over with! Thank god i kept my house and never sold, and gave him half (still being married to my ex) Im selling but for me, getting a porche and banking the rest. What i mean about the stuff is that your feeling, if you can just send it in the post,with no note, otherwise you will be waiting for that contact as you are etc. I let my stuff go.
London Girl Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Chinook - I don't think my ex would break into my flat. Albeit he is a nice guy but a very messed up one! It annoys me that he cannot admit he has issues and flaws but just blames me for our relationship going wrong by saying I'm not this, I'm not that blah blah. It's like he is looking for this perfect girl and a perfect relationship which in an ideal world just does not exist. What I find upsetting is that I supported him when he was really down and lifted him up and boosted his confidence and self esteem. He obviously had not processed the failure of his marriage and his ex-girlfriend who dumped him before he met his ex-wife and I feel like I beared the brunt of his failed relationships. Some people can be so selfish. I am trying so hard to heal and it still hurts even after 4 months of no contact but life has to go on and I have to remain positive and believe there are some nice guys out there.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Chinook - I don't think my ex would break into my flat. Albeit he is a nice guy but a very messed up one! Oh no, you misunderstand! I wasn't implying your ex would break in to your flat. What I was saying is, if you did have a break-in, the police and insurance people will ask how many keys there are and who has them. If they know it's an 'ex' the insurance on the flat is likely to be invalid because they will only have his and your word for it that it wasn't someone with a key. If you see what I mean. I wasn't meaning he'd turn all stalkery and freaky
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It annoys me that he cannot admit he has issues and flaws but just blames me for our relationship going wrong by saying I'm not this, I'm not that blah blah. It's like he is looking for this perfect girl and a perfect relationship which in an ideal world just does not exist. What I find upsetting is that I supported him when he was really down and lifted him up and boosted his confidence and self esteem. He obviously had not processed the failure of his marriage and his ex-girlfriend who dumped him before he met his ex-wife and I feel like I beared the brunt of his failed relationships. Some people can be so selfish. I am trying so hard to heal and it still hurts even after 4 months of no contact but life has to go on and I have to remain positive and believe there are some nice guys out there. You know, this only hit me posting with Funky earlier today. I realised I was probably 'rebound' girl. It's not a nice feeling. I so wish I didn't know how you feel
London Girl Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Sorry to hear you are going through the same pain Chinook. I too questioned myself whether I was a rebound girl and I even asked my ex that but he said he no I was not and that he did truly loved me. Some people are just wierd - how can they want to be with you one minute and become besotted with you and the next minute it's all off for reasons you don't understand. I now strongly believe that once someone dumps you you should go straight into no contact. I did not do this, we were still on and off for most part of one year and became FWB. It is so sad that it took something drastic to happen (me losing our baby) for me to come to my senses and for us to stop this on-on relationship which did nothing but messed with my brain. We can get through this pain and heal - I guess in time we look back at this and hopefully realised the breakup happened for a reason.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Hey london girl, some people will never admit to having issues because they are afraid to face them. you see they dont have guts, and carry the crap round with them, and off load it on to other people. I bet like mine he was a nice guy, thats the reeling in period! once your hooked, all the crap starts. Thats why they wont admit or try to help themselves, because their scared to face reality. So the answer, if a situation is not what they want, bin it, or bury the head. These people are good for nothing and they have to sort themselve out b4 they can be with others. Just be glad your shot of him. These people get into your head with emotional crap that they put in your head and you end up feeling guilty-am i right? realise it and walk away and dont look back. They will **** anyones life that they get involved in. Stay away these people are poison.
London Girl Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I totally agree with you FunkyBassPlayer! My ex was too selfish to admit that he has issues and just blamed everything on me. Never admitted anything was his fault. And what's worse he crushed my self esteem which made me actually start doubting myself! My friends say exactly what you just written. He will carry his emotional baggage to his next relationship and mess that up too and I should be glad I'm out of it. It is so sad as he is a nice guy. I know my ex has issues as he blubbed like a baby, sulked, not prepared to compromise, kept me hanging on a string and I think he feels that by dumping me and being in a new relationship will solve everything. I even suggested counselling but he said that he needs to see a [sIZE=2]hypnotist [/sIZE]and not a counsellor for us to work! Both his exes left him including his wife so I know I'm not entirely to blame for our relationship not working.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Oh jeez, you two guys could be writing my own breakup thing here. I'm so relieved because I thought I was going mad. I thought it was me!! He made me feel and believe it was all my fault (weeping now dammit)
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Guys, Your not to blame at all, they do that she did it to me, make you feel crap, and you just wanna offer help. You cant do anything for him. I dumped my ex prior to her doing me for the resons i had said. I felt sorry for the kids, she would leave them and go out, with the little one crying for her mum......selfish. im not bitter, in fact i feel sad for her, and once again she moved strait to the next relationship. She was so selfish to bring all this **** in to a new relationship, its not fair, i dont give a crap about her new guy, but she was unfair to me to bring all this crap and dump it on me. They have no guts to face reality and look for people to dump on.....energy vampires, and they leave you tired and deflated. she coud not break me i was too strong, but it took all my strenth to be with her. I really loved her, but through no contact i realised just what she was. These people need real proffesional help, not love. Find a happy person and they will love you and make you feel special, you seen what these people can do, and you know the sighns for next time.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 They have no guts to face reality and look for people to dump on.....energy vampires, and they leave you tired and deflated. Funky... I wrote that in my diary last night. Except I wrote that I felt he was an emotional vampire, draining me of all my energy, feeling and it wasn't until I was broken he felt he could leave and move on. What's more I firmly believe that he was either cheating or growing back closer to his ex. I believe it's the ex because he's done this twice before with other girls. It's like he goes out looking for that emotional high... takes someone in and chews them up and spits them out again..!!! He's done this 3 times now and his ex-w has taken him back both the two previous times so I have no doubt she will again because they have a daughter and she is as co-dependent as he is on her. In fact, I think it's THEIR relationship which fcked him up and in turn it's him which is going out there fcking other people up. I simply was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 You see she didnt break me, and was'nt quite sure how to handle me, some1 that would give back what she gave, and wanted to help no end. Well now we know, its a good time to move on for us, and just put it down to a learning curve. Im 41, and always had great relationships. She was different, and not in a good way. The longer you stay no contact the faster you will heal. I dont go on msn on thurs/fri not because she may be on it, but because i dont at the moment want anything what so ever to do with her. I was too good for her i know it sounds big headed but i was just too caring, and she blew it.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I deleted his MSN, his email address is blocked. I deleted his phone number so I can't call him. I have no avenue for contacting him. I am adamant I am going forward and not letting him hurt me anymore.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 way to go. But one thing dont expect them to come looking back to us when there new relationship goes wrong, as they will just move to the next without looking back, and taking more baggage with them. Dont think they miss us, or even now care about us, they dont. Its because they dont feel things like normal stable people do. they are just wrapped up in themselves and whats going on in there lives and if its going to how they want it to go!
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 You know I thought about this whilst we were posting on something earlier today. I actually DID hold out the hand of friendship originally and told him if he needed someone to pick up the phone. He hasn't even answered a single mail or text from last week. I don't expect he will contact. In fact, I don't want him to now. The worst thing that could happen for me now is that he does contact me because right now, I know my defence against him is weak and I would drop everything and take him back.
Author funkybassplayer Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Well there you go! In my case she wanted to stay freinds, i never then i got all the crap about i could be part of the kids lives, so i accepted, only a week later to be dropped when she got her new toy. She said i could be part of the kids lives a big thing to let some1 be involved in, then took it away without a thought for my feelings. A freind would never do this to you. If you take him back, be ready for more pain and hurt, and no coffe in the house!!
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 LOL..!!! Sorreeee, I already bought the coffee. The coffee stays. The boy does not. No discussion there.
Recommended Posts