Should I forgive friend, or end friendship?

[trotter]

I have been having a lot of problems with a certain close friend of mine throughout the course of our friendship, and in the past we always worked them out. However now I think it has gotten to a point where I can't take her lack of friendship anymore. Forgive me if my rant is really long, but I would like to get an opinion from you all that isn't the typical "she's not your friend" that i have been getting from everyone I have talked to.

 

 

I first met my friend (let's call her Amy) about 6 years ago through another friend. At the time I never expected to be close friends with her because of our age difference (she is 6 years older than me - i was 19 she was 25), and also because we seemed to have totally different interests. She seemed like the really out going type, really good looking, and just the type of woman that can get the attention of most guys in a bar. I was more of the quiet type and at first she didn't notice me much.

 

Somehow even though we were so different, something clicked and we started keeping in touch often. For about a year I had a huge crush on her and did everything to get in a relationship with her, but she didn't budge because of our age difference (she was more into older guys). I moved on, but i was happy at the time that she considered me a close friend because I just wanted to be an important part of her life.

 

We would often do things together, share secrets with each other that we wouldn't tell our friends whom we had know for longer, and I would support her when she was down. There was a period in her life when she was feeling hopeless and depressed, and I helped her get through it by being at her side.

 

However, as the years went by, I started to notice things that told me that she might not consider me a friend like she said she did.

 

Some examples...

 

Sometimes when we were supposed to go out, she would change plans and stay home, or ask me to go with her with other friends. Other times she would just plain flake out on me and expected that her apology would make things all better. A lot of times she wouldn't even return calls, or reply to emails for weeks, even though i knew she was at home sitting on her ass.

 

When I would be out with her and her male friends (she has lots of 'buddies'), she would give them all her attention and would barely look my way. She would be in one friend's lap, then in another friend's arms having a drink etc.. and she wouldn't look my way for the whole night. She spoke really highly of them because she knew them for a long time, and would use terms like 'best guy friend', or 'best bud' and I never heard her say stuff like that about me even though in recent times i have done so much more for her than they have.

 

Amy is a person that doesn't shy away from talking about things like sex. She would always boast at how good she was in bed, and she would regularly joke in front of her friends about sex, talk dirty, show off her body etc. In front of me she would always shy away and act like she was really mature. I also have a suspicion that she was sleeping with some of her male friends, but she never really told me, and i don't have much evidence.

 

Last fall Amy got engaged to her bf, and also got a new job. I could tell our friendship was starting to suffer, but she always promised me that we would stay close. She got married in May, and our friendship hasn't been the same, even though she promised me she wouldn't neglect me.

 

Whenever we were supposed to talk or do something (along with her husband) she would say that she doesn't have time, and that work has really burned her out. I would understand that, but then recently I found out that she has kept up her friendship with others, and for some reason i have been kicked to the curb. This considering the fact that she still refers to me as a really close friend. She doesn't even call me back or talk to me online unless it's on the weekend and once a week.

 

If a friend can't find 5 minutes in a day to say hi, then i'm thinking that this person is probably not my friend at all.

 

We have had a lot of arguments over the years about the stuff i mentioned above, and they usually would be resolved after a few days. then after a week or two she would go back to her old ways. I'm tired of being hurt by her and have started to ignore her as of last month.

 

But I feel bad about doing this because i still care for her and think of her as a sister, and i'm not someone that holds grudges against anyone. Should i forgive her and just expect less from her?

 

or should i just end the friendship altogether?

[norajane]

Look, she's married. She's not going to have time to talk to you every day. Not only are your ages different, you're also at different places in your life. It sounds like you're moving further apart because of that, and you really do have to temper your expectations of what she can offer you as a friend at this point.

 

As you've seen throughout your friendship, she has a different relationship with you than she's had with her other male friends her age. She's not likely to start treating you as you want her to now if she never has before, especially when she's got a husband who should be her best male bud now.

 

If you can't accept the little she has to offer because it bugs you and want more, then you have to end the friendship. Otherwise, accept the fact that she is busy, she is married, she has plenty of other friends, and you are only one of them, and enjoy it for what it is.

[trotter]

Thank you for your reply, and I agree with pretty much everything you said.

 

I don't mean to start a debate, but I feel like I should just add a few things to what you said so that you can get my side of the picture.

 

Regarding her being married - I understand that after getting married, one's social life will never be the same as long as that person is married. Due to this, I brought up the issue of our friendship before she got married and we had a little discussion about it. I was afraid that we would slowly lose touch and that she didn't need me anymore because she would have her husband. She reassured me that even though she would be married, she would try her best to stay friends with me. She looked me in the eye, held my hand and made that promise.

 

Ever since she has been married, she has not been living up to that promise, and to me that is a serious thing. I wouldn't even care if she was busy and all that, but the fact is that she doesn't even try to be a friend these days.

 

Also, it wouldn't bother me so much if she treated her other male friends the same way. Even though she is married now, she still keeps in touch with her other male buddies and seems to find time for them. Found out she spent the night out with a bunch of them last night. Other times i find out that she still chats to her friends during the evenings yet never calls me.

 

I am just a little frustrated that she treats them so good when in the past they only remained her friend because they thought they would have a chance to get in her pants, or cop a feel of her backside. Whereas I have been a supportive friend that has cared for her through thick and thin. Just feeling unappreciated.

 

If she just came out one day and told me "look, I don't think of you as much of a friend" then I could move on in peace. But the fact of the matter is that whenever we have a falling out, she tells me how much of a friend I am to her, and that she needs me around. This is one of the things that is so confusing.

 

I really don't know what to do now. She is never going to change, or start treating me like a better friend. Now I just find myself being angry at me for wasting so much energy on her, and also I am upset that maybe I didn't do enough to get her to be a better friend to me.

 

She has been like a sister to me at times for these past 6 years and just cutting it off is one of the hardest things i have had to do. I still do care for her, even when i am angry at her. The hardest part about cutting it off is knowing that I will be sad for a long time because of it, but she will just scratch her head for a few seconds and move on without a care in the world.

[Vintage106]

I'm not taking her side or anything, but maybe it's not her. Maybe her husband is jealous of your close relationship and she just doesn't know how to tell you that. People deal with things in different, weird ways. Maybe her way of dealing with that is to just not deal with it at all.

[trotter]

I'm not taking her side or anything, but maybe it's not her. Maybe her husband is jealous of your close relationship and she just doesn't know how to tell you that.

 

I don't think he is jealous of our friendship, because he knew from the start about the fact that we are close. Also, he knows she's a woman that likes to spend time with her guy friends so I don't think it would bother him.

 

Maybe her way of dealing with that is to just not deal with it at all.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. Instead of sitting down and talking it over she is the type that will just ignore it and hope that I'll forget and be all cheery and happy with her. I haven't spoken to her, or seen her in person for a few weeks now, but when it happens she will just start joking about with me as if nothing ever happened. Maybe that's why our friendship has never evolved over the years. Everything is just a joke to her at times.

[amerikajin]

The short of it is, you have never really given up on Amy, have you? I think you need to ask yourself why your friends are telling you she's not your friend, and you need to ask why Amy doesn't really want to hang out like friends do. You already know the answers to both questions, but you're unwilling to admit the truth.

 

You made your moves on her and she didn't reciprocate - and that should have been the end of your "friendship." You just end up looking really weak if you try to hang out and be friends with someone who's just shot you down. In a few cases, you can through chance encounter reconnect and become friends, but it's got to be real and natural...it just has to happen. Instead, you got rejected and tried to hang on to whatever bit of attention she'd give you. She probably thought you were nice enough and harmless enough to hang around, but your desperation made her think even less of you romantically speaking. The point to all of this is, never confuse romance and friendship.

[Kamille]

It's been my experience that real friends weave in and out of each other's life. I think you and Amy are at a point where you need time appart. Simply. And you need it more then she does.

 

If you have doubts about her sincerity then you owe it to yourself and her to step away from the friendship.

 

I think Amerikajin has a point too. Your expectations for this friendship seem to err slightly on the romantic side. I usually don't notice who my guy friends are talking to, unless I have a romantic interest in them. Do you still have those kinds of feelings for her?