DementedDave Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Ok, Its like this. At Christmas I met this really hot and intelligent 25 year old girl. I'm 28. We hit it off and there was a great connection, but after a few dates, as we began to get closer, she said she had a bad feeling in her gut that it wasnt right. So we called it a day and I didnt contact her. She sent me messages a few times when she was drunk over the following months, nothing more. Recently she came back into my life through a mutual friend. Things started going really well. We met up as 'friends' and ended up snogging one night at a party. We then proceeded to meet up for a few weeks. She seemed really keen and was initiating contact between us. Normally, I am paranoid about girls getting freaked out and i was keeping an eye for this one give our history. But I kept things light and I let her know I've been seeing other girls. We didnt talk about getting serious. Anyway, after being really into it up until last week, I called around to her on monday and she told me she didnt want a relationship - that she had started to panic that it didnt feel right and that its not meant to be. Basically, it came out of nowhere, after her being all over me before that. I told her i thought it was wrong of her to get involved again if she was unsure. She said she had agonised over it since Christmas and needed to know. I tried to conceal my hurt but I let her know that it I wasnt happy with her. I left and texted her later that night saying she wouldnt be hearing from me again. Also, she was dolled up more than I had ever seen her on monday, which I found strange. It was like she was enjoying it. I can accept that its over. What I cant accept is how it happened. She has been non committal with guys for ages but has anyone come across this type of thing before? She said her folks arent too happy in their relationship and she doesnt want to end up the same way. Its annoying as I really liked her and the chemistry was there. I'll be moving on regardless. Let me know, Dave
LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Even if someone feels they do not want a committment from the beginning, they still want to enjoy dating and sex, etc. Even though you were "light" on her, etc., there will still come to a point where she will panic and back off. Not to sound cliche but it isn't you, it's her. And she probably does this with any guy that she dates. She won't be able to consider committing to anyone until her own issues are dealt with, such as her parents, if she chooses to believe that all relationships turn out like theirs, she will never committ. Getting over this kind of thing could take a lot of time, maybe even therapy. My father left us for another woman, and even though I remain very close to him, I've spent my entire dating life letting men love me and leave me. My dad's a good guy, so I'm convinced that no matter how much I like a guy, he's going to leave too. I just let it happen because I myself, am probably too scared to committ after seeing what my parents went through.
daphne Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Dave, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this confusion. I know it's difficult. But it isn't you, like teh last poster said. It's her issue and there's nothing you can do for her. I have compassion for others that are in this predicament, because I have commitmentphobic tendencies myself. The difference is that I'll face my fears and try to make things work. But I do panic if things get too serious too soon. All you can do is look at her behavior and try to avoid it in the future. She was upfront in telling you she didn't want a relationship. That means she's not relationship material. If she was cp and told you she liked you enough to try, I'd be skeptical, but at least you have a shot. This girl doesn't want to help herself and all you can do is have sympathy that she's too scared to take a risk and possibly get a big reward. Find someone who wants a relationship. And try not to let chemistry be your only guiding force. Part of the chemistry with a commitmentphobe is their unavailability.
fray718 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Like both posters said, it really is her, not you. She probably only panics because she really DOES like you, so take it as sort of a compliment even. I'm sort of dealing with a cp myself. He was also upfront about it. I"m not sure how things are gonna end up but for sure it won't be a ltr because he has to deal with his issues first. I'm ok with it because I'm dealing with some issues myself. But if you are emotionally healthy and have no issues, try to avoid ppl who are cp with issues and stick to others with no issues. I'm only dealing with him cuz i have issues and people who are emotionally healthy see right through me and my issues haha.
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