doiask42much Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 My bf's roommate is a pretty laidback guy and I like him well enough, except for two things: he's often having money problems and turns to my bf to bail him out and he is always buying drugs, both for himself and my bf. I accept that my bf likes to smoke weed on a semiregular basis to unwind the way I like to drink. I don't have a problem with that. What bothers me somewhat is that the roommate gets ecstasy and coke, and he's even paid some of the "rent" by selling my bf pills, which I wasn't happy about. I've done all of these things before, many times with my bf, and while they were fun, I feel I'm at a stage of my life where I don't need or want to do these things anymore. Yet he goes ahead and buys them even though I've said expressly not to, mostly because his roommate is getting them and he has no connections himself so sees it as an "opportunity." Once he's got the stuff, I end up doing it with him, as the idea of him having fun without me is a bummer (I'd have to find something else to do, as hanging out with people in that state when you are not sucks), and he generally coerces me into it anyway. I have no wish to seek things like this out and I think I would be happy if I never did any of them again, but when they are paid for and in front of me, it seems all you can do is do it. I say, "Fine. But no more, okay?" And he says ok, but then several weeks later, he'll get it again, depending on availability via his roommate. Because these things are not readily available, he feels he must capitalize when they are. I know if his roommate didn't live there he'd have no access at all and it wouldn't be an issue. I just feel like we are getting too old for this nonsense and it's not even as fun as it used to be. What do I do to make it stop? Is there even anything I CAN do? The use is occasional and therefore I'm sure he doesn't think it's a problem. But several times, we've done things when we have a social obligation to attend the next day and it totally ruins things, as we are dragging ourselves around and not enjoying ourselves. I've expressed to him before how much I dislike this. His roommate is always having money troubles and going from job to job, often relying on my bf to cover his rent. I'm working on getting a job in his area and moving in instead, but progress has been slower than I'd like. He likes his roommate and says he's a good friend, so it's not like he's going to say anything to him either. To him, it's just money.
veronica12 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Hi "doiask42much"! First, I want to thank you for reading and responding to my threads. The input from you and all of the members of "LS" has meant so much to me. I am taking each response to heart. "LS" seems to be a safe and nurturing forum. I've been looking for something like this on line for a while. I think I need the "anonymity" to work my issues out. I also relate very much to your screen name. That describes my life to a tee! I am trying to lower my expectations in my relationships and not ask for or, more importantly, NEED, too much. It is an on-going process. To address your thread about your Bf's roommate, don't focus too much on "the roommate". Your Bf has chosen this living situation for a reason. Hold him accountable for that. I was in a long-term relationship with an addict. Addicts can be master-manipulators and very self-centered. I don't know if the label "addict" applies to your Bf, but using substances definitely changes how he relates to you. It is his way to escape or avoid having to confront stressful issues. Just keep that in mind. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with a good support group. Don't let your values get distorted. Relating to someone and working through issues is much more productive without drugs or alcohol. I wish you the BEST, Veronica
Author doiask42much Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Thanks for your reply, Veronica. I know it's a messy situation and it's not a fun topic to reply to, hence only one reply. I'm so glad you feel you've found a safe haven too. Sometimes I shoot my mouth off and say stupid things but so far everyone has been pretty nice and welcoming and helpful and that really makes me feel good, or at least better. Sometimes just knowing someone understands is all you need. I just wish he would be a bit more respectful of my wishes, as his choices affect me. I'd be more upset if he were doing this stuff behind my back and without me, but I really don't want it to be part of my life anymore. To illustrate, he got some stuff last night and I know he's expecting to do it tonight. I think it's a waste of money also. I want to save for our future, now that he finally has a good paying job. It's one of those things that sounds fun in theory but rarely turns out to be as glamorous as in the movies and just ends up making me tired and out of sorts. Yes, I think the word addict could be used, in both our cases, as I'm no good at saying no to things that are in front of me, and I do like to drink. I just hate that word because my friend is deep into AA and I kind of hate how they have brainwashed her and told her that she needs them for the rest of her life and has no hope of controlling her life on her own. I don't really have a support group. He is essentially my life and I build it around him. LS is really my only support group. I know that's not very healthy, but that is how it is. I love him and I want to be with him and we've been together for five years about, so it's not like I can just turn my back and walk away. It's not serious enough yet for that. I just...want him to know I am serious about us stopping this, but I know I can't make him stop if he doesn't want to. The way he sees it is, these are the years to do these things because we don't have children. I guess I feel like we need a drying out period, a time of being mature, before we have children. If we have children.
Author doiask42much Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I guess it troubles me that we are older now (he's 30, I'm 31) but we are still carrying on much the way we did in our 20s, just we have a bit more money and don't go out as much. I feel like we are two children and no one has any discipline or maturity. He thinks that's just peachy but it bothers me. I wish at least one of us was grounded and levelheaded. I make decisions and I say things, but I rarely make anything stick, except things I do during the week on my own (exercising, watching what I eat, not drinking), but I find when I'm with him, we generally end up doing what he wants. I've always been a people pleaser I guess, and I want him to love me and not think I'm a nag, so it's hard for me to really put my foot down, as much as I want to.
Author doiask42much Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I guess I should have put this under addiction. I guess I am not sure I see it as that yet. If the roommate weren't there, we'd have zero access and there'd be nothing. Because the roommate is there and it's a lifestyle for him, it somehow makes it seem more "normal" to my bf. For me, it is not so much the worry of addiction as the lack of growing up, as I see it.
veronica12 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Hey "DoIask42much"! Thank you for your honesty. I am right there with you. Drugs and alcohol are so destructive and yet offer such an escape. I know that is why I have chosen this forum to "vent" and reach out. As I said before, I need anonymity right now. Ironically, I left an addict and never had an abuse problem before. Things are very different today. I know I need to take a hard look at my life as it is right now. I am on the brink of going over the edge and losing so very much. Please keep in touch with me, V.
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