separation from spouse

[Ladyjane14]

I asked her how come she is not wearing her wedding band she said that in her heart she is already separated from her H...

I bet she'd have gawped like a goldfish if you had looked her right in the eye and said, "Hmmm... does HE know that?"

 

... since he started cheating on her, now he does not even try to cover his "escapades"....

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. To choose to JOIN her husband in bad behavior rather than address the real problem, says something about HER and her willingness to take charge of the circumstances of her own life. Evading personal responsibility to her own belief system might be the path of least resistance... but what it offers in ease, it lacks in honor.

 

I think your instinct to avoid this girl is RIGHT ON.

[Gunny376]

"Be true to yourself!"

 

"Live your Life with honsety and integrity!"

 

"Keep your honor CLEAN!"

 

"At the end of your day ~ YOUR the one that you've got to lay down with and sleep with ~ if noone else!"

 

"JUST DO the RIGHT THING!"

 

"KEEP IT REAL!"

 

"BUT for the Grace of God? There go I!"

 

"Do unto others, as you would have others do unto you!"

 

These are things (among others) I tell myself each and everyday!

 

I don't mess with what's not mine, I don't mess with women that belong to another. That are involved with someone else. I won't even date someone that's seperated (now) nor who's been divorce less than a year, (prefer two years)

 

Ideally? Someone who's been single, alone and living independently for two years or more? (Dgirl comes to mind ~ someone who's been thrown under the bus, crawled out from underneath~ brushed themselves off and moved on with their life. Who doesn't need someone ~ but is open to the possibilty of someone!)

[Lucian]

Thanks Gunny.... I am not going to entertain the idea of flirting with this woman, obviously she has issues.... and after all I don't need this now.

 

You say 2 years... is this the magic number or this, on average, it takes one to heal the wounds.

[Lucian]

My stbxw keeps on changing the parenting schedule, she is saying that she is having work commitments - in weekends?

 

I am sick and tired of her changes, we agreed on a schedule for the kids. She is not abiding to it and now she is asking for more on the fly changes.

 

She still thinks that she can boss everyone around, including my parents...

 

I have decided to impose on her a new schedule and that is it, I will not agree (as I did in the past) with her small changes.

 

This weekend she was supposed to be with the kids but she decided that she will be going to a party... I agreed for her to bring the kids over to my house, then she changed her mind (I gave her the cold shoulder on the phone) she said that she will be with the kids in the weekend. Now, she sent me an email asking if I can stay with the kids this weekend.

 

WTF is wrong with this woman....:mad:

 

Can't she leave me alone, I have made plans for this weekend and I will stick with my plans.... or maybe not because she will leave the kids with a babysitter

 

Any advice on how to tame this wild animal of by stbxw, make her understand that she cannot keep on doing this???

[Lucian]

wow, sent stbex an email last night, telling her what the schedule will be with the kids. Let me step back a bit, until now I was agreeing with all the changes she was making to the schedule.... she needed to attend this corp. function, she was traveling, etc. etc all of these events were happening when she supposed to have the kids. I agreed to stay with the kids until now...

 

I have personal and work related commitments, I always had to make changes at last minute to my schedule to accmmodat her schedule. NO MORE.

 

So last night I put my foot down, no more mr nice guy, you want shared parenting, you want to be with you kids then make an effort and be with them.

 

surprise surprise, she complied... this is very unusual of her...the independent free thinker....

 

maybe she is 'cooking' something or just she is realizing that she cannot control me anymore and that I am able to decide on my own, or at least she is realizing that she really has no choice but to comply.

[Lucian]

Hi all, I thought to give a quick update on my situation, here it is.

 

The parenting plan works great, from the perspective that children get to spend equal amount of time with both parents and they are happy. I wont get into details about the scheduling, its fairly complex and somehow difficult to manage (on her part as she does all the drop offs and pickups).

 

I, on a personal level, am much better, I don't think of my STBXW anymore and I became indifferent to her to a certain degree, she has become the mother of the children to me and nothing else. Also I have discovered that YES there is life after breakups and separations, I have a friend with benefits, we are both aware of the type of the relationship and I am just fine with it as I am not looking for a serious relationship right now, but it feels good to have someone to go out with and not be worried that the relationship will develop into something serious .

 

Now, the question that I have for the forum is this: my ex is very confrontational towards me, sometimes mean. I asked her to be polite, to no avail. I also explained to her that, because of the children, we will always have so see each other and work together on the raising the children front.

I tried to be mean, nice but firm, nasty...etc. she bounces between being OK and being confrontational.. (the latter is more prevalent).

 

For about a month now, I am just straight and to the point, firm but at the same time respectful in my communications with her. Why is she all over the map and why is she so confrontational? I asked her and she said that she needs to protect herself from me???

 

Currently her affair fizzled, my friend is telling me that she is discovering that the grass is not as green as originally thought on the other side and she is taking it on me.

[PWSX3]

Currently her affair fizzled, my friend is telling me that she is discovering that the grass is not as green as originally thought on the other side and she is taking it on me.

BINGO!!!! Give that man the prize, he just answered his own question...:D

She has found out that the grass is not greener on the other side, she sees you being happy & moving on & she wants you to be mad/pissed/whatever as much as she is.

 

She realized that maybe what she "HAD" wasn't all that bad & that maybe if she would have worked on her relationship a little more that things would be better.

 

I have noticed this with a few relationships that I know of such as my own that the person that has to been thrown under the bus, treated like crap, & has done a lot of work looking at themselves is the one that comes out the better person. Now this isn't always the case but it seems to be a better percentage.

 

Just keep being firm, let her know you as far as you & her are concerned that you are the farther to you kids.

[Trimmer]

The parenting plan works great, from the perspective that children get to spend equal amount of time with both parents and they are happy. I wont get into details about the scheduling, its fairly complex and somehow difficult to manage (on her part as she does all the drop offs and pickups).

 

I, on a personal level, am much better, I don't think of my STBXW anymore and I became indifferent to her to a certain degree, she has become the mother of the children to me and nothing else.

I have found this to be a valuable perspective, too. My spouse is gone; the kids' mother is still someone I have a parental relationship with, and drawing that distinction (parental vs. spousal) helps me keep the parental relationship in perspective.

 

Now, the question that I have for the forum is this: my ex is very confrontational towards me, sometimes mean. I asked her to be polite, to no avail. I also explained to her that, because of the children, we will always have so see each other and work together on the raising the children front.

I tried to be mean, nice but firm, nasty...etc. she bounces between being OK and being confrontational.. (the latter is more prevalent).

 

For about a month now, I am just straight and to the point, firm but at the same time respectful in my communications with her. Why is she all over the map and why is she so confrontational? I asked her and she said that she needs to protect herself from me???

 

Currently her affair fizzled, my friend is telling me that she is discovering that the grass is not as green as originally thought on the other side and she is taking it on me.

Yeah, pretty much. She's brought herself to a point where things suck, and it probably creates a lot of anger, some of which comes from fear, even. It's a lot easier to direct that anger outward - to look to someone else to blame - than to do the hard work of looking inward, being honest with herself, and taking responsibility for her own actions and the place to which she has brought heself.

 

It seems like your wife has had problems in all these areas: honesty, taking a good look at herself, and taking responsibility for her actions. So from this perspective, it's probably not too surprising that she would be feeling fear and anger at her situation, and that she would not approach her life with introspection, but to reflexively direct that anger and blame outward to the nearest obvious target, and that would certainly be you.

 

I say, stick with your "straight to the point" approach, remain neutral and respectful with a focus on your parental role and what is best for the kids. You should expect her to meet her commitments - not because you want to win the argument or punish her - but because consistency and good parenting from her is what is best for the kids. Continue to keep it all about that, and you will find that makes it easy for you to keep your focus (and therefore your cool) and she may eventually see how silly it makes her to be argumentative and confrontational about parenting issues that should be relatively straightforward to work out.

 

This is why men should never play the domestic role. I know this sounds sexist but as evidenced by this thread a woman will lose respect for a man and eventually leave him.

I know this is an old comment, but I can't let it slide...

 

A woman who would lose respect for a man who chooses to take a primary role in the raising of his kids is the one with the problem.

 

Suggesting that a man shouldn't "play the domestic role" in order to keep her from losing that respect smacks of cowering and attempting to appease her in the hopes that she won't leave.

 

I think a man needs to stay true to his nature and to himself; if that includes a desire to "be domestic," take a non-traditional role in raising the kids, or whatever, then so be it. But to change one's nature out of fear, to fashion your life in an attempt to keep a woman around (one who would otherwise "lose respect"), seems like a life lived with the wrong focus.

 

I treasure the fact that I was often the primary caretaker for our kids in their infant and toddler years. If that contributed to my wife losing respect for me and leaving me, that's her problem - how sad for her - and it may be just as well that it happened sooner than later. If that's her true nature, if that's why she lost respect for me, I wouldn't trade away the time I have spent raising my kids to have her back.

 

Living afraid to trust, maneuvering and maniuplating out of fear of loss, changing your basic nature to keep a grip on someone.... that's not living, it's not honest to yourself, and to use a phrase currently in vogue, it's not sustainable.

[Lucian]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I learned my lessons but I would not change anything, staying home with my kids was the most memorable experience of my life.

 

At any rate, I notice progress... I dont even care what she does anymore... she is just a person. That is it. I am amazed of my own progress... to be honest. TIME solves everything and of course as little contact as possible.

 

Lucian

[Gunny376]

Just re-read your thread.

 

Two years isn't necessarly the "magic" number?

 

I prefer it because it takes about one to get it together mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially ~ that is to dis-entangle yourself from the other person.

 

Then another for self-reflection, to own up to your own short-comings, and then deciding what to take out ~ what to put in your life?

 

Coming out of a divorce? You need to work toward and find "self-actualization" ~ that is to say, that you can live and breath without being part of a couple, being in a relationships, that a relationship doesn't "complete you" ~ you've got to do that on your own? But, rather a relationship should "compliment" who and what you are?

 

Oftentimes, people will stay in a less than satisfying relationship just to avoid being single and alone? Forget that!

 

Its when you (as ilmw recently posted on another thread) that you could care one way or the other if your ever in another relationship ~ that you achieve true autonomy.

 

When I get back into dating and mating mode again ~ in about 9 months to a year, the woman I'm looking for is one that has her act together, has achieved self actualization, is happy and content with her life ~ regardless is she has a man in her life or not, is self sufficent, self supporting, and independent. In short? She doesn't need a man ~ but wants someone of significance in her life. Any and all "issues" of her life have been settled, reconciled, and resolved for the most part one way or the other.

 

In so far as her X or X's? She's acheived "indifference" and could give a rat's azz in a hurricane?

 

Even then? I'm going to send her Happy Azz to Lady Jane's "Finishing School" for about a year!

[Lucian]

Thanks Gunny,

 

To be honest... I dont need anyone in my life right now, between work and spending time with the kids... I have enough on my plate - the plate is full of yummy things .

 

Only one thing I wish that this woman, ex- wife, not to be so angry with me, and think that she "owns" me. Why do I have to be the one to experience her wrath - after all it was all her decision to leave the marriage. Now that things don't work out for her - its my fault? :laugh::laugh:.

 

Lucian

[Ladyjane14]

Even then? I'm going to send her Happy Azz to Lady Jane's "Finishing School" for about a year!

 

Careful Gunny. You haven't seen the curriculum yet....

 

Frying Pans 101 - A study in versatility and multitasking.

 

Velvet Glove / Iron Fist - A practical approach to efficiency in household management.

 

:lmao:

 

 

Only one thing I wish that this woman, ex- wife, not to be so angry with me, and think that she "owns" me. Why do I have to be the one to experience her wrath - after all it was all her decision to leave the marriage. Now that things don't work out for her - its my fault? :laugh::laugh:.

 

Unfortunately, that "wrath" is likely to go on for a long, long, time. Some people never can really face their own faults.

 

I think what I might do if I were you is buy two copies of a good co-parenting post-divorce book, wrap one up to present to her for Christmas, and then refer her to various page numbers whenever she gets snippy.

[Lucian]

LJ u make me laugh:D, with Christmas approaching here is a good present idea for her...any good titles?

 

thx

Lucian

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thanks Gunny,

 

To be honest... I dont need anyone in my life right now, between work and spending time with the kids... I have enough on my plate - the plate is full of yummy things .

 

Only one thing I wish that this woman, ex- wife, not to be so angry with me, and think that she "owns" me. Why do I have to be the one to experience her wrath - after all it was all her decision to leave the marriage. Now that things don't work out for her - its my fault? :laugh::laugh:.

 

Lucian

 

Alot of Waywards Sposues are like that when their faniatsies dont come true. lol. Sad but it's happened to me.

 

Just ignore it and keep moving on.

 

You gonna find something better.

[Lucian]

It seems that the "grass is not greener on the other side", my STBEW world is falling apart. She is very emotional and jittery when she sees me or speaks with me. She initiates one way conversations (as I just sit there and listen)...she told me that she will never marry again and she is done being in a relationship... etc etc soap opera anyone?:laugh:

 

A friend S. spoke to her about our children and whats best for them (going forward), she is a bit upset the way (the ex) treats our older daughter, the ex called me several times to "explain" to me how she could not believed that S. called and asked to meet with her and give her advice on parenting... I listened patiently every time, and last time I asked the ex "why did you accept to meet with S.?" Answer: " I dont know, have fun and have a wonderful day." and she hung up .

 

I am just fine and dandy without this woman in my life and her drama and mood swings. S. believes that she has some psychiatric problems and some deep emotional issues. whatever...

[Lucian]

Hi,

 

I have a question for the board. The time has come to file for divorce. I spoke with my ex-wife and she said that she does not want to divorce, that she is happy with the current situation - separated and that, besides, she does not have money to file for divorce ($2000). As in the past I made it clear to her that since she walked away she should be paying for all legal expenses, which she did until now.

 

What should I do? File for divorce myself? Is there a benefit from being divorced vs separated? I looked up on the internet there are these divorce kits for about $300 (total), are they any good?

 

thanks,

L

[Ladyjane14]

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, Lucian. Why not call the clerk of court in your county and find out what they recommend?

 

I have a friend who did all the legwork herself, then had an attorney friend look it over just to make sure she hadn't missed anything. It worked out fine for her because she and her ex-husband had hashed out all the details in advance.

[milena35]

Wow Lucian, I am glad that you are moving on. I am sure she will realize what she has done by losing you, I don't know you but I already know you were the best thing that had happened to her. It seems that you have the same story as mine, but of course I have a husband and it has nothing to do with a third party or an affair. We are married for 5 years and recently told me that he is not in love anymore but love me to death as mother of his two boys and that now its all about himself, his job and his boys, yes he admitted that its selfishness, that he needs a break from me. To make story short, we had so much going on as soon as we got married that we forgot about ourselves so he says that he grew apart, he was in denial he says,thinking that our situation will get better but I guess it did not, he means the arguing nothing else really. He does not want divorce but a legal separation for what I said, not like we have assets or money, I told himi if he wanted to reacess like he says, to see what went wrong, are we better off together or apart so I told him that he can go and live with his friend, so he did, he still comes here in the morning's to take boys to school so I only see him for 5 minutes because I am already getting in my car to go to work. You see I work for a family Judge so a legal separation to our situation don't mean nothing. I still love my husband to death but I don't know how long I will wait, i already filed but the papers will be on hold till I know for sure that this is a waste of my time. Hang in there Lucian and I wish you the best, I look up to you so I know my day will come that I will not care at all anymore and maybe I will not want him back. What do you think? :-)

[milena35]

No, Lucian, she left the situation let her do the divorce proceedings. Separated is almost the same thing as divorce the only difference is that you are still legally married.