separation from spouse

[Lucian]

I have been reading for a while the posts on this forum and, I have decided to post my experience as well. Here it is.

 

 

We have been married for 14 years and have 2 children (2.5 yrs and 1 yr old). When our first daughter was 6 months old my wife asked me to stay home with her. I agreed, eventually I quit my executive job and became a stay at home dad. Then our 2nd daughter was born (spouse, wanted to have the kids close in age so they can have common interests – I complied). When our second daughter was 3 months old, my wife announced that she is returning to work as she could not cope with the “children raising” chores, to quote her “need a clean, stable, quiet and intellectually stimulating environment” i.e. her executive job. I agreed to continue to stay home and raise the kids. In the beginning on this year she had a major nervous breakdown (stress from work – as she claimed), I asked her to seek medical help – she did and for 3 weeks in February she was herself again. Then in March she went on a business trip (she travels frequently) when she came back she was different (could not explained it but I felt it), she was very cold towards me, she started coming come later and later and me, being with the infants at home alone, longer and longer (time wise) stressed the heck out of me, eventually we stopped talking. Fast forward to April – I left with the kids to visit their grandmother/my mother in law (overseas). I called her from there and she delivered the news, felt nothing for me anymore… does not want me back… etc.

 

 

I did not see it, I went through all sorts of stages, disbelief, denial, etc.

When I came back (beginning of May) I tried to reconcile with her, asked that both of us to go to counseling, etc. etc. Her response was that there is nothing to reconcile – she wants out, wants a new life, does not like me anymore, the house, the dogs (we have 2 boxers), wants to move downtown in a condo. She bought a new wardrobe ($ 15K), she is taking golfing lessons (used to hate the sport).

We still live in the same house but try to avoid each other. I am lucky enough that I found a good paying job and I am trying to restart my career.

 

 

 

I work long hours, so she does. My mother in law returned with me and the kids and she is taking care of them now. On weekends we alternate the days (time with the kids).

She told me to leave the house, I refused, engaged a lawyer, she backed off.

 

 

She drafted a draconic separation agreement, I made amendments to it, she fought them hard until her job was in jeopardy (the president of the co she works for told her that she would be fired for non performance). She came back to me and accepted all the changes I made to the separation agreement. I keep the house (she pays for half), and I agreed on split parenting.

 

 

I found out that while she was away in March, she “had the most amazing sexual experience, one that dreams are made of” not sure what that means but the “partner” was a VP from her work. While I was away in April, she announced, at work, that she is separated. At that time the “partner” distanced from her. Now, he wants nothing to do with her and…. She is devastated…. sad and cannot see a way to get to him, to be with him...etc. He is married (sort of happy with marriage) with 3 girls.

She blames me for everything…. she is sick and tired of this life, wants to have the life of her "friends from work - her new support system", her friends are 2 divorced (45 and 49 years old) women, who apparently are happy to be single again and do "whatever they want" and be "free"....I met these two women (at a corporate function of hers) and they did not seem very happy they were more on the "cougar state" that anything else.

 

 

 

I found all this information from her diary, she keeps one, at the advice of the homeopath. She left it on her bed and while I was cleaning her room I found it... I dont feel bad that I read it because that marked the turning point for me. Prior to it I was a basketcase, after reading it something clicked in my head and I felt nothing anymore...

 

 

 

I am still hurting, but I don’t want her back… the kids don’t want to play with her when I am around, and this drives her mad, cant say I am happy that the children don’t want her.

 

 

As days are passing I feel better and better, she told me that she is leaving "this house" September 1st, I felt relieved.

 

 

Lucian

[Ladyjane14]

Wow. You handled your situation beautifully. I don't have any advice for you, other than to tell you to stick to your guns.

 

There are quite a few guys here who are in similar situations to yours, guys who are in the been-there-done-that club, and at different places in the process. I think as you read through their stories, you'll be able to develop and idea of the "healing timeline", potential obstacles, etc.

Some of these guys are making amazing progress in their personal recovery. Hopefully, you will too.

[Gunny376]

I have been reading for a while the posts on this forum and, I have decided to post my experience as well. Here it is.

 

 

We have been married for 14 years and have 2 children (2.5 yrs and 1 yr old). When our first daughter was 6 months old my wife asked me to stay home with her. I agreed, eventually I quit my executive job and became a stay at home dad. Then our 2nd daughter was born (spouse, wanted to have the kids close in age so they can have common interests – I complied). When our second daughter was 3 months old, my wife announced that she is returning to work as she could not cope with the “children raising” chores, to quote her “need a clean, stable, quiet and intellectually stimulating environment” i.e. her executive job. I agreed to continue to stay home and raise the kids. In the beginning on this year she had a major nervous breakdown (stress from work – as she claimed), I asked her to seek medical help – she did and for 3 weeks in February she was herself again. Then in March she went on a business trip (she travels frequently) when she came back she was different (could not explained it but I felt it), she was very cold towards me, she started coming come later and later and me, being with the infants at home alone, longer and longer (time wise) stressed the heck out of me, eventually we stopped talking. Fast forward to April – I left with the kids to visit their grandmother/my mother in law (overseas). I called her from there and she delivered the news, felt nothing for me anymore… does not want me back… etc.

 

 

I did not see it, I went through all sorts of stages, disbelief, denial, etc.

When I came back (beginning of May) I tried to reconcile with her, asked that both of us to go to counseling, etc. etc. Her response was that there is nothing to reconcile – she wants out, wants a new life, does not like me anymore, the house, the dogs (we have 2 boxers), wants to move downtown in a condo. She bought a new wardrobe ($ 15K), she is taking golfing lessons (used to hate the sport).

We still live in the same house but try to avoid each other. I am lucky enough that I found a good paying job and I am trying to restart my career.

 

 

 

I work long hours, so she does. My mother in law returned with me and the kids and she is taking care of them now. On weekends we alternate the days (time with the kids).

She told me to leave the house, I refused, engaged a lawyer, she backed off.

 

 

She drafted a draconic separation agreement, I made amendments to it, she fought them hard until her job was in jeopardy (the president of the co she works for told her that she would be fired for non performance). She came back to me and accepted all the changes I made to the separation agreement. I keep the house (she pays for half), and I agreed on split parenting.

 

 

I found out that while she was away in March, she “had the most amazing sexual experience, one that dreams are made of” not sure what that means but the “partner” was a VP from her work. While I was away in April, she announced, at work, that she is separated. At that time the “partner” distanced from her. Now, he wants nothing to do with her and…. She is devastated…. sad and cannot see a way to get to him, to be with him...etc. He is married (sort of happy with marriage) with 3 girls.

She blames me for everything…. she is sick and tired of this life, wants to have the life of her "friends from work - her new support system", her friends are 2 divorced (45 and 49 years old) women, who apparently are happy to be single again and do "whatever they want" and be "free"....I met these two women (at a corporate function of hers) and they did not seem very happy they were more on the "cougar state" that anything else.

 

 

 

I found all this information from her diary, she keeps one, at the advice of the homeopath. She left it on her bed and while I was cleaning her room I found it... I dont feel bad that I read it because that marked the turning point for me. Prior to it I was a basketcase, after reading it something clicked in my head and I felt nothing anymore...

 

 

 

I am still hurting, but I don’t want her back… the kids don’t want to play with her when I am around, and this drives her mad, cant say I am happy that the children don’t want her.

 

 

As days are passing I feel better and better, she told me that she is leaving "this house" September 1st, I felt relieved.

 

 

Lucian

 

Whoooopppps! That's WHAT I'm talking about!!!!!! Way to MAN-UP!

[Woggle]

Be glad to have this woman out of your life. This is why men don't treat women like queens anymoreto refer to the other thread.

[Lucian]

All,

 

Before signing a separation agreement should I get a lawyer to look at it?

 

I got her to put all the "stuff" that I wanted in it. The document looks fine to me, I like everything that is in there but again, should I get a lawyer to look at it?

 

Thanks loveshack community

 

Lucian

[Ladyjane14]

All,

 

Before signing a separation agreement should I get a lawyer to look at it?

 

Most definitely.

An attorney will be able to point out things you missed.

[Lucian]

Things have progressed in the right direction, at least for me. Two weeks ago my spouse announced that she is finally moving out to an apartment. I have to admit I was very happy when she told me that.

Now, when i get home from work I enjoy it very much I am alone (with my two boxer dogs) and loving it. My wife still sleeps at the house but she comes very late 10 PM or later.

 

I overheard the conversation that my wife was having with her mother, she (wife) tried to break the "relationship" that she was having with her coworker but he got very mad and she backed off.

 

As a point of clarification, I am not spying on her, as a matter of fact I don't even care what she does for as long as she leaves me alone.

 

I am superbusy at work, I dont have time for anything else, I dont need anything else in my life right now.

 

Now, I thought I was over this, I was in a good disposition until today, when she emailed me the separation agreement. After reading it (nothing unexpected - we talked in advance). I am very sad, not sure why... as I dont want her back. Anyone else has experienced these feelings. I mean, I am happy that she is moving out, I am happy that she is getting out of my life but I am sad for reading a separation agreement?

[notspiritual]

I am happy that she is getting out of my life but I am sad for reading a separation agreement?

 

I understand this feeling as I had it myself.

 

You are sad because of the thoughts that it could have been totally different. Unfortunately very few women have the intelligence to improve what they have, instead they look elsewhere. That’s the way most women solve their problems, they flee them. There are very very few high quality women.

 

At the same time you are happy, you look back at your marriage, you know you’re going to miss it, even though you went through hell. But you know you have to move on because there is something better out there for you. No matter what the future holds, it will be better than what you leave behind.

[Lucian]

Hey,

 

I have a rewarding career, two great kids and... did I mention that I keep the house, as a matter of fact I keep everything as she wants a new life with her partner (the guy is married though...). Not sure if I miss the marriage as I was not happy, but I was willing to work on it.. she just did not offer a chance... so I think.

[Lucian]

All that have posted... thank you for the words of encouragement. I just re read my post and whoooa what ugly stuff she has put me through....

 

She moved out July 23, I dont miss her one little bit. She is waiting on me to sign the separation agreement but, I am seeing a lawyer you know... just in case. Thank you Gunny and LadyJane thank you to the rest as well..

 

I am starting to be glad that she is out of my life, my family, friends are all happy that she has left, I am happy too, I am not miserable anymore and one day I might thank my soon ex wife for taking this step, I would have never done it....stay in for the kids. But boy am I relieved, its like a breath of fresh air...

 

One weird thing is that now I can do whatever I want, I am not used with that, I was always taking her needs in consideration ALL THE TIME. Now it feels funny, as if a big weight is off my shoulders.

 

I am still sad at times, but for sure I dont miss her, I am just upset that I dont have a "traditional" family anymore.... its just me and the kids....

[Gunny376]

Thank you Gunny and LadyJane thank you to the rest as well..

 

LJ and I roll with Mr. R! (Mr. Reality) We keep it real!

 

(To be honest! Mr. R and LJ still to this day hand me my azz to me as they walk out and strutt out the door!)

[Ladyjane14]

I am still sad at times, but for sure I dont miss her, I am just upset that I dont have a "traditional" family anymore.... its just me and the kids....

 

That's understandable, and it's going to take some time for that feeling to pass. Even though your STBXW wasn't much help to you within the family unit, I'm thinking she might have represented 'the possibility' of future help.

It's tough to be the one who's doing it all.

 

I think maybe during those occasional times when you're feeling a bit overwhelmed.... those would be the times to remember that you've ALWAYS been the one at the helm, and that her "presence" within the family was a bit of an illusion anyway.

 

Hang in there Lucian. We've seen a couple of updates this past week from people who are very happy with their current situations. Antha and Michael's_Pain. It's a tough go... but you'll come out alright too.

[Lucian]

Hi all,

 

Here is a question, my wife is asking me to give all the pics. so she can scan/digitize them. These are pictures of us for the past 14 years that are in photo albums.

 

If I give to her I am afraid that she will not return the albums. She is saying that she wants to copy them and return the originals to me. Why she would want pictures of us??? Should I give her the albums?

[Ladyjane14]

I think if it were me, I'd take the family and kids pictures to a photo center myself... and then not hand her over the copies until she paid for them.

 

Although, for the wedding photos, I'd make copies that I could put away for the kids without telling her. Then just to see the look on her face... I'd hand over the originals, telling her to go ahead and keep 'em and that I could give a rat's ass.

 

(We REALLY need one of those 'little devil' emoticons. )

[LakesideDream]

Pictures... boy did I live a similar life to the one you are living. My ex took the pic's she wanted. Then she decided she wanted them all and asked me to have the ones I had copied.

 

As I had been swindled out of money by her after the marriage, "emergancies" never paid back (she was shacking with her squeeze on the weekends) I told her to give me the estimated money, $800.00 or so and I would have them copied professionally. She tried for months to get me to do it, claiming she'd pay me when it was done. I ignore her requests.

 

A couple of years later I was hospitalized for a severe infection, she sent my daughter looking for them in my home (where she had never been, and wouldn't have been allowed into) My daughter found them, and gave them ALL to her causing some consternation on my part when I discovered it.

 

I have never mentioned it to my daughter. But I don't trust her in my home alone anymore, and that's pretty hurtfull to me.

 

My ex did call me when I was out of the hospital.. "to see how I was".... and to wolf at me over having "recovered" the photo albums, and loose photo's. Nice eh? Expect the same treatment. Your's sounds like mine.

[sumdude]

Pictures... boy did I live a similar life to the one you are living. My ex took the pic's she wanted. Then she decided she wanted them all and asked me to have the ones I had copied.

 

As I had been swindled out of money by her after the marriage, "emergancies" never paid back (she was shacking with her squeeze on the weekends) I told her to give me the estimated money, $800.00 or so and I would have them copied professionally. She tried for months to get me to do it, claiming she'd pay me when it was done. I ignore her requests.

 

A couple of years later I was hospitalized for a severe infection, she sent my daughter looking for them in my home (where she had never been, and wouldn't have been allowed into) My daughter found them, and gave them ALL to her causing some consternation on my part when I discovered it.

 

I have never mentioned it to my daughter. But I don't trust her in my home alone anymore, and that's pretty hurtfull to me.

 

My ex did call me when I was out of the hospital.. "to see how I was".... and to wolf at me over having "recovered" the photo albums, and loose photo's. Nice eh? Expect the same treatment. Your's sounds like mine.

 

I haven't even looked at pictures since I put all that stuff away. Guess I'm not ready for that.. still too fresh and painful. Have a PC full of pix from the last 8 years of my life and I can't deal with looking at them just yet. Scrapbook picture albums she put together... all sorts of that stuff..

[Woggle]

I have a few pictures of my ex just in case anybody is curious what she looked like and I threw the rest away. All those supposedly happy moments in those pics were a lie so why keep them around.

[sumdude]

I have a few pictures of my ex just in case anybody is curious what she looked like and I threw the rest away. All those supposedly happy moments in those pics were a lie so why keep them around.

 

I don't know but I can't see throwing away all of the past as useful .. to me. The happy moments weren't a lie at the time.

[Woggle]

I don't know but I can't see throwing away all of the past as useful .. to me. The happy moments weren't a lie at the time.

 

They were because while she was smiling in my face she was screwing other guys behind my back. I did keep a few pictures but I don't need all of them.

[Lucian]

Ladyjane,

 

I am assuming that she is happy with her decision and with her new life, I don't want to be the one that causes her grief even though I am very tempted by your proposal re pictures, but what is the point?

 

It will probably give me a brief moment of satisfaction . But I am starting to be happy with my life, doing things for me, things that make me happy. Her on the other hand is running after a man that is married and... who knows she may be happy with him (after he gets a divorce from his wife). I can always keep my chin up in front of my kids, friends and family - did not break my own marriage and I am not (never will) try to break someone else's for the sake of my own satisfaction/happiness.

 

Her first marriage lasted 1 year, her second (with me) lasted 14 years, friends tell me that her 3rd encounter will last between 2 to 5 years.

 

So maybe I should just hand her over the wedding pictures. I sure don't want them and as for my children, when they will grow old enough to understand they can go to their mother and see the marriage pictures.

 

By the way, I still have the wedding album from her first marriage... kinda ironic...dont you think.

 

L

[sumdude]

 

Her first marriage lasted 1 year, her second (with me) lasted 14 years, friends tell me that her 3rd encounter will last between 2 to 5 years.

 

So maybe I should just hand her over the wedding pictures. I sure don't want them and as for my children, when they will grow old enough to understand they can go to their mother and see the marriage pictures.

 

By the way, I still have the wedding album from her first marriage... kinda ironic...dont you think.

 

 

Oh the irony ... i just hate irony sometimes. I think about when I first met my X. She had a terrier in her lap and a wedding dress from her first almost marriage in the closet (she backed out). Just a couple months before she left me I bought her the same breed terrier she wanted as a gift. So I now picture her and some other guy in her new place with a terrier in her lap and a wedding dress in her closet.

 

Rinse repeat....LOL

[Lucian]

Hi all,

 

I just wanted to give an update on my situation.

 

The separation agreement is being reviewed by my lawyer. My wife (soon to be ex wife) is very eager to sign this document and she is emailed me asking for updates on the situation. I replied letting her know that the lawyer is reviewing it.

 

I wonder why is she so eager to sign the separation agreement, I guess this will bring closure to her? Or so she thinks. To me that paper has no significance on an emotional level.

 

Lately I am sad, I keep on thinking about her and reviewing our relationship. Also, when the kids come back in Sept, I am thinking of ways to avoid seeing her (she will be dropping and picking up the kids from my house (split parenting agreement).

 

I sorted out the pictures, from the albums I took all the pictures with me and left all the pictures with her and us. I plan on giving her the albums and I don't want them back. I cant say that when I looked at the pictures I was too sad, I felt nothing it was more like a mechanical sort process.

 

 

I am convinced that she has the Walkaway Wife Syndrome, right now I am mad at her but, I realize that I would have to get over this feeling for the sake of my kids. I realize that I will always be connected to her, seeing her at kids school events and so on.

 

What are the signs of depression? For the most part I am OK, not happy but not very sad either. Nothing bothers me (not even bad drivers or traffic) and I don't care what happens tomorrow.

 

Its weird because I am a social person but now, I enjoy my loneliness. The house is very quiet... just me, the dogs, and my marine aquarium. :-)

[Ladyjane14]

 

What are the signs of depression? For the most part I am OK, not happy but not very sad either. Nothing bothers me (not even bad drivers or traffic) and I don't care what happens tomorrow.

 

You're probably alright Lucian. I've noticed people's emotional responses vary when they're getting a divorce.

 

Just to be on the safe side though, and because your kids are depending you... you might consider a check up with your medical doctor. A depression screening only takes a few minutes time.

[Lucian]

Ladyjane, thanks for the advice. I will make an appointment. Ironically today I feel much better than yesterday... oh boy what a roller coaster ride.

[Cobra_X30]

Lucian,

 

Your story sucks eggs. I'm so glad your not bitter or devastated. I think that there is a woman out there that is about to get really lucky! Ha! Imagine, so many would give so much to have what your W throws away.

 

Best Wishes my friend!