spookie Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 This thread is inconsequential and I am not looking for advice. I just thought I would put the information, painfully but honestly extracted from my heart, out there. Maybe someone will be able to relate. Relating is important, I think. We learn from it. I could have avoided a breakup as drawn-out and painful as this one if I had had the courage a year and a half ago (!) to end things when it first became apparent that my now ex wasn't right for me in some very important ways. We weren't that compatible for a number of reasons, but I remember thinking to myself back then that I love him, he loves me, and those are the important things. I realize, now, love has a dual nature. There's the feeling, the twinge in your chest. And then there's the love you create. Love as an action. And in order to have enough energy to sustain that action indefinitely, there has to be a very high level of compatibility between two people. Otherwise, it becomes exhausting. Otherwise, it's continuous sacrifice on both ends, with no one satisfied because both people want different things. Several things were wrong. That's hard to admit, even now. Even now, when it's over, I am so submerged in my own pain (it feels like my soul's been ripped in half) that I like to pretend it could have happened differently. I like to pretend we both made mistakes. That it was my fault, his fault. But it couldn't have been any different. We were just wrong for each other. Our negatives fed off each other, fueled themselves, grew. We pulled each other down. The sex was blah. I didn't feel like I turned him on that much (I didn't). I'm not sure why, I am attractive and I know there are plenty of guys that find me sexy. But, for whatever reason, he just didn't. Maybe I made it too easy. Maybe it's just chemical. Anyway, this made me perpetually insecure. I knew the passion just wasn't there for him, and I lived in fear of the day he would find someone for whom he did have it. I know now that I will never get into a relationship again with someone whom I can't drive crazy. We wanted different things, out of a relationship. I guess you could say we were on different pages. I wanted us to move in, get engaged, start looking into the future together. I wanted someone to share a life with, build a family. I really deluded myself into thinking he would want that, too, as soon as ___ (whatever stressor was going on at the time passed) but if I am honest he gave no such indication. In fact, he talked negatively to me about those things "happening" to his friends, and he hinted sometimes that I slept over too often. I should have listened to what he was actually saying instead of believing, that because he claimed to want the same kind of lifestyle I did in the long run, that he wanted it with me. Through my subtle actions and my expectations, I kept pressuring him to give me what I wanted (more commitment, more security). I wanted to be invited to family events, like the ones his brother took his girlfriend so willingly. I wanted to talk about what we would do after graduation, future children, getting married. I kept initiating vague (but transparently obvious of their need for assurance and confirmation) talks about the future, what he saw. I wanted to encourage him to think about it. He always dodged my questions. Instead of taking that to mean what it does (either I am not ready or you are not right for me) I made it my mission to become the person he DID want a future with. Although we had some interests in common (mostly outdoorsy things), our time use distribution was actually very different. He wanted to spend most of his time playing video games. I have more "cultural" interests, which honestly he put down so hard that I gave them up for the sake of staying with him. I like literature, film, art, music, philosophy; most importantly learning, thinking about new ideas. I always wished that he could expand my knowledge base and motivate me to pursue my interests by sharing in them with me. Instead, what happened was I compromised. I took up his hobbies because I felt it was the only way to connect with him, the only way for us to keep spending time together. Of course it backfired. He felt I was "stealing his identity", smothering him, and I was unhappy because I WAS. I wasn't being myself. He wouldn't have liked me. I am glad we broke up, but I am starting to realize what a task it really is to find someone right, and then to fall in love. Someone with similar values and interests with whom I have good chemistry and who is looking for similar things. *Sigh*. Where are you, Soulmate?
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I'm glad you wrote that down lady. Although, I see quite alot of self-blame in there about your expectations and ideals. A relationship is 50% on both sides. Take responsibility for your 50% only. You had expectations because he didn't have the nerve to correct them. If he had, maybe things would have ended sooner. You are where you are because you both put you there. Not just you and not just him. Also, um... I don't believe the soulmate is out there. It's a give and take thing. Some people we are so compatible with that you both give equally and so it makes everything seem easy and those things which aren't become a compromise on one side or the other. There are no easy answers to relationships and it takes time. Knowing yourself and who you are will help in the long-term. Time healing will give you that luxury
hithere Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I agree with Chinook its all about give and take. I know people in very happy relationships who don't share the same exact interests or do the same things but they have mastered the art of give and take. They give each other space to do the things they enjoy. IMO sometimes common interests can be overrated. Don't get me wrong they're important but a person can find someone who has common interests, gives them sex, etc but doesn't give them the emotional support and companionship that i think bottom line is the relationship itself.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Don't get me wrong they're important but a person can find someone who has common interests, gives them sex, etc but doesn't give them the emotional support and companionship that i think bottom line is the relationship itself. I have to agree with this. A relationship isn't just practicalities. There are three aspects to a relationship: practical, physical & emotional and those relationships which work, there's a balance of all three things. The day-to-day practicalities of the relationship require compromise and often the other two factors depend upon this. Also, I believe that a relationship can be both emotionally and physically fulfilling. Sometimes the pendulum swings and it is one or the other...but if one or the other is completely missing...it tends to go pear-shaped IMHO. For me, the emotional aspect was lacking. I was constantly pushed away.
Trialbyfire Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 A relationship is like a balanced scale, if one party overgives or overtakes, it's going to topple. Also, it boils down to action over words. Words are free, actions cost.
ruby_gloom Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Relating is important, I think. We learn from it. yea, i think you're right. sometimes i believe that being able to relate is more significant than listening to dispensed advice. anyway, as i read through your post, i found myseld thinking to myself, "yea, me too" on just about all of your points/realizations. in fact, i am conviced that you, kitten moon, and i dated slightly different variations of the same evil. i think i've read just about all of your posts, and i always find that i relate to them very much. sometimes i get teary-eyed reading them because it's as though i were reading my own posts. like you, i've come to many realizations, as well. the bottom line of them all has been that he and i were just not meant to be because the many contraindications in our relationship simply rendered our love inadvisable to the point where it was dangerous to our emotional health. i've thought about so many things, from the little, seemingly insignificant , trifles to the larger, more severing, problems. in my mind, there is no doubt that i love him so very much, even after all of this time and all of this hurt. but in my mind, there is also no doubt that the way we were, for the last year and a half, at least, was neither healthy nor normal. the pain severely outweighed the happiness--and i don't think that is how a relationship is supposed to be. but i was set on him being "the one for me" that i twisted myself into a pretzel to accomodate his every everything, only to find out that that was my great mistake. it didn't work anyway, and in my twisting and turning to please him, my very being lost its true shape. and not only that, but in the end it was also thrown in my face, and the words "robotic" and "fearful" were affixed to my character. maybe he was right, though. but that doesn't leave him without his own faults, which he never was keen on admitting. but you see, even though i "know" all of this, and even though i have concluded that he and i were more bad than good, i still feel stuck in the strange place. i'm not happy, and i don't feel i am doing anything to achieve my happiness, so i can't help but wonder sometimes if all of my realizations are mere vocalizations of thoughts that i invent to make myself feel better. i wonder if i believe them at all. or worse, if i do believe them, but choose to ignore them. as i said, i've read almost all your posts (i used to post as the_alchemyst, btw), and even though i feel like i can oh, so strongly relate, after all this time, i can't help but feel i am still way behind. meh.
Nemo Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 , i've read almost all your posts (i used to post as the_alchemyst, btw), I liked you much better, back then.
hope4best Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 IMO, you sound like you know what you want from life, and where you are going. You just need to take some time to get there. You also sound like you are an amazing person that can offer someone so much on an emotional and intellectual level, and that is so very important. Please don't try to fit someone else's mold again, be true to yourself, you have so much to offer just being you.
Nemo Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 You also sound like you are an amazing person that can offer someone so much on an emotional and intellectual level, and that is so very important. Please don't try to fit someone else's mold again, be true to yourself, you have so much to offer just being you. Wow. Can you rewrite my CV, please?
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