quiet1one1 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I have this urge to speak with the OM face-to-face. My W (45 yrs old) and OMM (34 yrs old) started as good co-worker friends. It went too far, she fell for him, asked him to choose, he did and it wasn't her, he went NC, W is devastated at everything that happened, what she did, her bruised ego, guilt, etc. She left our home for space and time to resolve her feelings, while my kids and I wait. IMHO our M, family, and lives are all hanging by threads because ~him~. I want to look him in the eye and tell him how much he's hurt my W, our family, and me. I do not want him to just skate away free. I want to ask him how two friends can do this? I want to tell him he used her. My W does not want me to, obviously. She's worried it will get violent (or maybe destroy any chance she may still have maybe?). Should I leave it alone?
jmargel Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It wasn't what HE did. He has NO loyalty to you. Why should he? To him, you are a stranger. However your WIFE has the loyalty, SHE has the responsibility to you. SHE was the one who said those vows to you, not HIM. Talking to him won't get anywhere and IMO you are being way too easy on your wife. Oh poor her, she just ditched her husband, her children, everything that was suppose to be sacred when she said those vows to you and she has left you all so she can sulk? Honestly what are you getting out of this marriage? Ever hear of tough love? USE IT! Stop waiting around for her to make a decision and start making decisions for yourself. IMO if you want this marriage to work then give her the ultamatium of either MC or divorce. Her just spending time away, trying to convince this OM to get back with her is NOT helping anything. How long do you want to play detective or parent with this woman? Marriage and love are not just said in words but are felt with actions. Also resentment that you have with this other guy is like you drinking the poison and expecting him to die. It's not going to happen. Leave this guy alone and start concentrating on more important things in life.
Lizzie60 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 IMHO our M, family, and lives are all hanging by threads because ~him~. That's not HIS problem... it's HERS. There is not much you can do... I would leave it... I know it will make you feel better but he won't give a 'hoot' about you. It was HER fault, hers alone... you have to deal with YOUR wife not anyone else. He used her... well... she was the one who let him used her. Most affairs start at work... between 'friends'... She's worried it will get violent (or maybe destroy any chance she may still have maybe?). Of course she's worried... and from what I read, she's still very much into him... and he chose his W (most do)... Your wife betrayed you, he didn't. He obviously has to deal with the same issue (his M) but that's not YOUR problem either. Just concentrate on your M if you still think it can still be saved.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 jmargel is right. What is the point in talking to this guy. You have a ton of anger towards what your W did to you and your family. You are displacing the anger on him, because if you put that anger where it belongs then you wont be able to forgive her. Well, you dont have to forgive! You need to be mad at her! Please, just go find a decent woman you can love. It doesnt matter how... Import one if you have to.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I understand why you want to face this guy and take his measure... and honestly, as long as you can keep your cool and not land yourself in jail, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't. Sometimes it's necessary to face our demons so we can put them in perspective. Be aware though... OM/OW are likely as not to lie. So, if you're looking for some kind of truth, you're not guaranteed to find it.
Author quiet1one1 Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Thanks for telling it like it is folks! I need to hear it I guess.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 In my case, after separating from WXW, I sent the OM a pretty ugly expletive-filled letter. I know he got it because a mutual friend confirmed it. Never heard a word from him in response. But in all honesty, it felt good to send it. It removed the urge to meet him face to face and do some physical damage. If you want, check my profile for posts I've started and go to the beginning... you'll see the text of the letter. If you choose to make contact with him in some way, don't do it in the expectation that he'll apologize or that you'll convince him of anything. You'll only be disappointed. Treat it as a purely cathartic exercise, something you do for yourself. Finally, I agree with jmargel. Stop waiting for her to come back before getting on with your life. Stop initiating communication with her. Do your best to be happy, upbeat and cocky, and try to subtly convey "I don't really give a shyt if you come back or not" when she calls. Make plans of your own. Update your wardrobe and hairstyle. Get in shape or lose weight if you have to. When she sees you moving on and not waiting for her with baited breath, that'll make coming back a far more attractive option in her eyes. And if she doesn't come back, or she does but it doesn't work out, you've laid the groundwork for your new life without her. YOU'RE the prize, and she's lucky for whatever you give her. And if she does end up wanting you back, make her work for it. Oh, and BTW... you indicated that the OM "chose" someone other than her. Does that woman know about him screwing around with your wife? If not, tell her. Rat the bastard out.
Seen_It_All Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 IMHO our M, family, and lives are all hanging by threads because ~him~.Like the others have said, this piece of garbage definitely had no respect for your marriage or his own, there's no denying that. But it's your wife's a*sshole behavior that needs to end. Giving the OM the POWER of knowing how he's hurt you is just too wrong on too many levels. Never give a low-life power like that. EVER. Big surprise that he chose his wife. Did your wife honestly think he was going to choose HER and sail off into the sunset with her? Please. And if this loser is married, does his wife KNOW about the affair? If not, WHY DOESN'T SHE KNOW? While your poor little wife is off licking her wounds and mending her broken heart, be sure to tell Romeo's wife all about his scumbag behavior. You don't owe your wife squat so don't let her tell you not to contact his wife. Call the jerk's wife TODAY. In fact, call her RIGHT NOW.
Lynna Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I still don't know the answer on this one. I did confront the OW, and she was very mature, she took whatever I had to say and said it was all right. She apologized to me for the A and said that it was selfish and wrong. Believe it or not, had I known her before hand, we could have been friends. She is actually probably not a deliberately bad or selfish person but is a very messed up young lady with a lot of issues of her own. I actually felt bad afterward for the hateful things that I said to her. So it can backfire on you in many, unexpected ways. I do know however that her husband still does not know. They are still having problems too. I am still torn whether I have the right to tell him. The book you recommended, did it give any advice on either of these points?
child_of_isis Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Personally, I think if the guy is married, his wife should know. She needs to know. Please don't keep this from her. Why people would keep this sort of info from a spouse is beyond me. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you rather know, or be played the fool?
FireandIce Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Personally, I think if the guy is married, his wife should know. She needs to know. Please don't keep this from her. Why people would keep this sort of info from a spouse is beyond me. Put yourself in their shoes. Would you rather know, or be played the fool? ITA! Everyone is so worried that the BS will "shoot the messenger" but IMO I'd rather know than live a lie and look like a fool. We have a few "friends" that knew about my WH A and it still bugs me that none of them said anything, especially one of their wives whom I was fairly good friends with. I'm sure her husband told her not to get involved and that's probably why she didn't say anything but hey, you don't have anything to lose. You're not friends with these people and his wife has a right to know. Personally I'd get more satisfaction out of knowing this liar will get his than confronting him and then he goes on about his life like nothing happened.
Darth Vader Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I have this urge to speak with the OM face-to-face. My W (45 yrs old) and OMM (34 yrs old) started as good co-worker friends. It went too far, she fell for him, asked him to choose, he did and it wasn't her, he went NC, W is devastated at everything that happened, what she did, her bruised ego, guilt, etc. She left our home for space and time to resolve her feelings, while my kids and I wait. IMHO our M, family, and lives are all hanging by threads because ~him~. I want to look him in the eye and tell him how much he's hurt my W, our family, and me. I do not want him to just skate away free. I want to ask him how two friends can do this? I want to tell him he used her. My W does not want me to, obviously. She's worried it will get violent (or maybe destroy any chance she may still have maybe?). Should I leave it alone? Call his wife, and let her know what your wife and her husband have been up to! You really wanna ruin it for them, do that, and then drop your wife like a bad habit!
jmargel Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 quietone.. Out of all the great things Einstein has done for us, I still believe his one quote sticks with me the most and pertains to situations such as this. His quote was 'Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'. You are driving yourself and your kids insane by expecting something new to happen while you sit there and let her make the decisions. It's TIME to do something DIFFERENT.
Melissa277 Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 So sorry quiet1. The OW and my H also worked together. I had met the skank ho only once, but the A had started long before that. She knew that he was married, but "went after" him anyway. He could have said no, afterall he said his vows to me, but he chose to have an A. Even though I've thought about calling her ten thousand times, I haven't because I don't want to empower her and every one says she'd probably just lie anyway. Needless to say, my H gets double my wrath ... the wrath I have for him and the wrath I have for her. You need to stop waiting for your W to make "her" decision and pack her sh*t up. OM didn't use her ... she was fully involved (obviously if she wanted him to chose between her and his W). So if she's so broken up because he chose to stay in his marriage that she had to leave to resolve her feelings, then really what's the point? She wants him and would be gone anyway if he had chosen her. So does the OM's wife know? I hate to have another person/family hurt by this situation, but if it was me, I'd want to know. Melissa
4whatItsWorth Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 She left our home for space and time to resolve her feelings, while my kids and I wait. IMHO our M, family, and lives are all hanging by threads because ~him~. I am sorry to hear about your situation, but as everyone else has already explained - the anger should be directed towards your W. She obviously does not care about family nor you since she is hurt by not being chosen. She has done a very selfish act, and to wait for her to come around...why would you even want to? She'd fooled you once, she can do it twice. As soon as the OMM comes back around - she'd cheat on you again. Obviously, she'd already declared she wanted him and not you. I'd say you need to move on and find yourself someone who will stay faithful and choose YOU over everyone else. I don't believe she deserves a second chance, not after making it so obvious who she wanted to be with.
East of Jupiter Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 It is simply easier to be more angry at the OP than one's partner. Not only is the partner there trying to rectify their mistake, they need to let go of some of the anger if they are to work on their relationship.
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