alasia Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Hi, wasn't sure which forum to put this in sorry. I won't bother detailing my relationship with Phil, if you want to know just do a search on my username I just need a bit of advice on whether to bother contacting my ex about my baby. I'm 31 weeks pregnant with his baby, we'd been living together and had talked about having a baby, marriage, that kind of thing - and he convinced me he was serious about having a baby, seemed genuine and when I had a bit of a pregnancy 'scare' in Sept 2006, he was ecstatic at the thought I might be pregnant, and told all his friends. We split in January after weeks of arguing and a week later, I discovered I was pregnant. He's been up and down with me over the past 7-8 months and has gone from saying he wants to be involved with the baby one minute, to being really detached the next. I spoke to him on Tuesday when he gave me a lift home after he'sd finished work, kind of brought up the baby thing but he seemed very detached - he asked what the baby's surname would be, whether I'd chosen names and that kind of thing, but it sounded like he wasn't a part of it! As if he doesn't think he's the father or something and I'm the only one that gets to make choices about things like names etc. Part of me would love him to be involved - to be a proper parent to our son, be at the birth and all that kind of thing and Phil's said he'll meet me for a chat sometime (I asked), but I'm not sure whether it's worth it. He's got 3 other kids, 2 from marriages/LTRs and one from a casual relationship - the youngest from the casual thing is 18 months old and he'll see the baby if the mother brings him round, but doesn't really put any effort into seeing him. The most he's done lately is send the mother a text message about 2 weeks ago, asking her to bring the baby around to his house. She hasn't yet, and he hasn't contacted her again or been round there. Naively, I thought he'd be more interested in our son, because we were in a 'proper' relationship, had talked about having a baby, were in love and all that kind of thing - so for me to be talking about the baby and phil not showing much interest is mreally hurtful. I'm not sure whether to even bother asking him to be at the birth or meet him for this 'chat', because would it make any difference? What do you guys think? Should I do it, or just go NC until after the baby's born, possibly forever? PS - I know it sounds morbid, but what if something went wrong with regards to the baby; if he was born prematurely, or ill, or worse - I'd feel like I'd want phil to know and maybe be there for me/the baby. At the same time, I want to go NC in a way to see if he does make an effort to be involved in the baby's life - but I also know he probably wouldn't because he's not that motivated.
Lynna Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I am new to this forum so have not read your back story, but wanted to respond to your post. First question, has this guy ever heard of birth control? He is now about to be the father of 4 different children all to different mothers? It sounds like he has real relationship issues to have been married twice before and then not be able to make it through a long term relationship with you. I think you should definitely stay in contact with him about the child, like you said for your own health issues as well as any future issues the child might have. You might even want to have him fill you in on his own and his families medical history so that you have that information in case it becomes important. As for whether you want him involved in the child's life long term, that is a difficult decision. The child is going to want to know who his father is someday - and he will also wonder whether his father loves him/wants him. If the father continues the behavior of being neglectful, that will hurt the child. But the child will also hurt if there is no contact at all with the father. So that is a tough choice. You might want to talk with a child therapist about what to do in that regard. Are his parents still around? Do they want to be involved with this grandchild? As for the last name of the child, if you are going to be the parent of responsibility, then the child should have your last name. You could use his last name as a middle name for the child. That way there would be a connection there. But ultimately, in terms of school, hospitals, childcare, etc. it is probably easier if you and your child have the same last name. It will be a tough decision. It sounds like you are still on friendly terms, so it probably would not be hard to have him at least somewhat involved in the child's life. You might want to think about having a formal arrangement in legal terms, where he will have to help you to some extent with financial support in exchange for being involved. Raising a child is very expensive. You can sue for this if you want to, but that would definitely make for less friendly relations. Just my 2 cents worth. Only you can decide for sure what to do. I wish you the best of luck in deciding and with the baby!
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