Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 are you stringing him along with false hope because you're afraid he will leave you? quote] That made my heart jump. You sounded just like him. Well... I'm not completely lying to him but I guess I'm not telling him all the truth either. I told him "maybe in the future". But he's probably expecting it to be on a nearer future than it probably will be. And yes I'm terrified he will leave me or stop loving me, and I could be leading him on because of that. I'm guilty of that.
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 have you considered talking to a therapist? not really, how will he help? convience me to have sex with my boyfriend? do i even have a problem?
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 are you stringing him along with false hope because you're afraid he will leave you? quote] That made my heart jump. You sounded just like him. Well... I'm not completely lying to him but I guess I'm not telling him all the truth either. I told him "maybe in the future". But he's probably expecting it to be on a nearer future than it probably will be. And yes I'm terrified he will leave me or stop loving me, and I could be leading him on because of that. I'm guilty of that. Annabelle wins again, gosh. You need to be upfront with him, because he needs to know what's going on, and he needs to know your exact feelings. Give him a link to this thread!
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 not really, how will he help? convience me to have sex with my boyfriend? do i even have a problem? Not convince you to have sex with him, but maybe help you cope with the thought of not being with him.
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Give him a link to this thread! Hell no!!!!
annabelle75 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 not really, how will he help? convience me to have sex with my boyfriend? do i even have a problem? I don't know if you have a problem or if sex just makes you squeamish, but if you love your boyfriend as much as you say you do, don't you think it would be a good idea to find out? Wether you are wrong or right it won't change the fact that the relationship is not meeting your boyfreind's needs and it will continue to be a problem for him. Either you can take steps to work with him and maybe find out if there is something wrong or accept the fact that he might eventually leave. It is not a matter of pressuring you into doing something you are not ready for, but a matter of accepting that perhaps you and your bf are not able to meet each others needs right now.
norajane Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 not really, how will he help? convience me to have sex with my boyfriend? do i even have a problem? Yes, I think you have a problem, a huge one. You have been dating a man for two years that you love and who loves you, and you have no desire at all to have sex with him, and do not foresee a time when you will. At the same time, yes, you are absolutely stringing him along by not being honest and saying you don't know when you'll ever want to have sex and that you just can't see it happening for a long time. And you are stringing him along because you are afraid of losing him, because you know that a healthy sex life is something he wants and if you aren't interested, yep, he might want to date someone who is. And all of this without you even bothering to try to figure out WHY you have such an aversion to sex. You think it's dirty, maybe - that's the only reason you have even hinted at. You know what? It's not dirty. It's only dirty if you think it is. So why do you think having a physical relationship with a person who loves you and whom you love is dirty? Why do you think it's dirty to express your love in an intimate way? Are you afraid of something? Are you embarrassed by your body or his? Are you actually turned on by women instead of men? Were you abused and now can't stand the thought of sex? Did you walk in on your parents one day and are grossed out? Have your parents taught you to be afraid of sex, or to think it's dirty? Do you fantasize? Do you masturbate? Have you ever had an orgasm? These are the kinds of questions you need to be asking and answering. And if you have no answers, a therapist can help you. If you don't think you have a problem, that's an even bigger problem, because then you won't even begin to address WHY you are so opposed to sex. And you will lose your bf, eventually anyway.
jcster Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Maybe I would feel happier with time if I broke up but I honestly can't make myself do that. I'm too attached. How about, rather than stress yourself out over the sex thing, you start working on your own life? Start doing things YOU want to do, when YOU want to do them. Do them by yourself, or with other friends that are YOURS alone. Start disolving the WE and turn it into a ME and YOU. The WE is poison to a relationship. I honestly think that you know that and your reluctance to have sex with this guy is more a symptom of your sanity than any disfunction you might have. You intuitively know that your life has become unbalanced and you are resisting any further tipping into that disfunctional WE. So, take some baby steps. Go do something you enjoy without the Boyfriend. Stay home a few nights and watch a movie or read a book. Take a little time to figure out your thoughts and it will become much clearer. I'm sure he's just as confused as you are, if you make the effort, it might improve the relationship for both of you.
norajane Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Hell no!!!! Why not? You can't be honest about your feelings with your bf, a man who loves you and whom you love? Because you want to continue deceiving him? Why?
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Hestia, these people are giving you some great advice. If you really want things to work out for you, you need to at least consider all of what these amazingly helpful people have said to you, and figure out what you need to do.
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I honestly think that you know that and your reluctance to have sex with this guy is more a symptom of your sanity than any disfunction you might have. You intuitively know that your life has become unbalanced and you are resisting any further tipping into that disfunctional WE. jcster you are so right. Having sex with him would only make me sink into this relation even more, it would be a mistake. I'm suffocating in it. Thank you so much for that insight. I'll try to do what you told me to. Thanks.
fray718 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Hestia, if I were you, this is what I would do. I would see a therapist. AND I would tell my bf that I'm going to see a therapist because of this issue. This 1) shows him that you care about him enough to see a therapist and 2) that it's you, not him, so that he will not feel rejected. I think you should try to do the things above sooner than later cuz after 2 years you've reached a point where things can end just like that one day. He might just wake up one day and realize that he doesn't want to be with you anymore because of this. Just fyi, it can happen.
Mezzi Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 My opinion on this is that although it is admirable to want to treasure your virginity. In 2007 if you are in a long term relationship most men expect sex and even if they dont pressure you and tell you they are cool with waiting; a large majority of them in similiar positions do not wait but get sex elsewhere. So....I think you are indeed between a rock and a hard place because it seems he may not be getting sex elsewhere and as such he may get very frustrated and you may lose him.
lonelybird Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Don't push yourself too much, Relax, and follow your heart, hold back sex until you know what you really want from life sounds good, you are still so young. Today's society focus on sex to a ridiculous degree ps. sex in a loving commitment longterm relationship--marriage is good, and I didn't mention *dirty* whewwwww
Kamille Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 There are a lot of great books out there about female sexuality. I don't know of any perticular one that specifically addresses female desire, but depending on where you live you could go to a sexual health clinic, a gynecologist or a women oriented sex shop. I know I read "For yourself" by Lonnie Barbach a while ago (this one is about women who have difficulty reaching orgasms) and it really helped me feel a lot more comfortable with my sexuality. It does sound like the issues go beyond sexuality though, especially if you feel you are suffocating in the relationship. I had a version of the same issue with my ex... I felt suffocated in the relationship and therefore somehow never felt like having sex. He was very upset about my lack of libido and made the issue worse because it felt like we would only be having sex for him. I therefore encourage you to take steps to find your balance in the relationship, as many before me have suggested.
peace_pipe Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 i feel such a teen for complaining about this but my boyfriend is always pressuring me about sex. we have been together for 2 years now and he is my first real boyfriend (im 23 years old by the way) but everytime he brings up that subject i get a knot in my stomach. its not that i dont love him or that i have a dysfunction. i dont. but i just dont want to. im getting old for the whole "im not ready" thing and we're having more discussions about it. it sounds like a bad excuse. i dont know what i can tell him anymore. im old enough to know the "if you arent ready dont do it or you'll regret it" thing but how am i supposed to feel good about myself everytime i need to reject the person i most love in the world? he already accused me of not wanting commitment or of only being after "highschool flirtation". maybe thats true? i dont know anymore. maybe i dont love him. if i did wouldnt i be more willing to give him more of myself? i just dont want to lose him.... help would be welcome. thanks. You need to become more comfortable with yourself. Sex is a natural and healthy part of a human relationship. If you are not ready, then you should abstain from personal relationships with men until you are. The majority of people expect and need sex eventually. 2 years is a long time for most people. Let him go until you figure yourself out.
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