Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 i feel such a teen for complaining about this but my boyfriend is always pressuring me about sex. we have been together for 2 years now and he is my first real boyfriend (im 23 years old by the way) but everytime he brings up that subject i get a knot in my stomach. its not that i dont love him or that i have a dysfunction. i dont. but i just dont want to. im getting old for the whole "im not ready" thing and we're having more discussions about it. it sounds like a bad excuse. i dont know what i can tell him anymore. im old enough to know the "if you arent ready dont do it or you'll regret it" thing but how am i supposed to feel good about myself everytime i need to reject the person i most love in the world? he already accused me of not wanting commitment or of only being after "highschool flirtation". maybe thats true? i dont know anymore. maybe i dont love him. if i did wouldnt i be more willing to give him more of myself? i just dont want to lose him.... help would be welcome. thanks.
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 wow no replies yet. i feel such an idiot right now:o
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It's not healthy to be with someone who tries to pressure you into things, especially sex. You know that. You questioned your love for him, which shows that you can go on without him. Maybe 'losing' him would be the best thing for you. He needs to respect your wishes, because whenever you start feeling bad about what YOU need, it's a problem.
jcster Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 This is a tough post to respond to. You are going to have to answer these questions for yourself. No one here can tell you to have sex with this guy. Sex doesn't save a relationship - in fact, it complicates it. That being said, most people in relationships expect to have sex eventually. What you need to determine is whether or not you are having this reaction to sex because you're not ready yet, you've waited too long and now have built up too much tension over it, or if you just don't want to have sex with this guy. It sometimes happens that you can care very much about someone and not want to have sex with them. You learn to recognize it with experience.
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 It's not healthy to be with someone who tries to pressure you into things, especially sex. You know that. You questioned your love for him, which shows that you can go on without him. Maybe 'losing' him would be the best thing for you. He needs to respect your wishes, because whenever you start feeling bad about what YOU need, it's a problem. No i can't go on without him, we almost broke up several times and in all of them i felt like i was dying. I do love him. I just don't know how far can I go with this until he realizes that it's not going to happen. I'm not promising him anything but I can't help giving him a little hope. I'm deceiving him to some extent. Although sometimes I feel I should/want to have sex with him. I'm on a point where I can't tell the difference of my wants/his needs and vice-versa.
jcster Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 No i can't go on without him, we almost broke up several times and in all of them i felt like i was dying. I'm on a point where I can't tell the difference of my wants/his needs and vice-versa. These two quotes tell it all. You are so closely enmeshed with this person that you are losing cognizance of your own state of mind and emotions. This is a hallmark of an unhealthy relationship - and sadly many of us go through it when we are first starting out. Sex will not change it, it will only become worse. I just don't know how far can I go with this until he realizes that it's not going to happen. If you already know it's not going to happen, what's the point? You really need to start separating yourself from this guy. You need to know what you want and need - not what he wants and needs. Your wants and needs SHOULD be more important than his. If they are not, then you have a problem.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Do you want to wait until marriage to have sex with him? Or are you just not ready yet? I really think you need to think about the reasons that you are saying no to him. As far as your boyfriend goes, yes it's wrong of him to pressure. However, to some people sex is an important part of a relationship. I guess I can see both points of view here. Yes, you don't have to have sex to have a loving and successful relationship, but I know for myself that it is an important part of a relationship for me. Your boyfriend may feel the same way. I think you need to think about what you honestly want. Are you just not ready? Do you never want to have sex with him? Do you want to be married to him before you have sex? These are all things you need to figure out for yourself. Once you do you need to talk to your boyfriend. I don't think he's pressuring you because he's a jerk, I just don't think he quite understands. He may be feeling rejected or think something is wrong with him or with your relationship. Communication is so important and I really think you need to talk about this. I'm assuming you already have, but you need to tell him flat out what it is that you want. Then he can make a decision about what he wants. If you want different things, you are going to continue to have problems in your relationship. Also, I know this is a personal question, but have you ever had sex before? You said he was your first boyfriend so maybe your just scared. 23 is a long time to wait (not sounding mean, it's actually a compliment) so maybe it's just out of fear that you are so hesitant.
annabelle75 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 If you already know it's not going to happen, what's the point? You really need to start separating yourself from this guy. You need to know what you want and need - not what he wants and needs. Your wants and needs SHOULD be more important than his. If they are not, then you have a problem. That quote really jumped out at me too. After reading the OP I was going to say that you should not let anyone pressure you into having sex if you don't feel ready. But that quote concerns me. What do you mean by "its never going to happen"? Do you never want to have sex ever? If so, why are you botherign to be in a relationship with him? I don't think you should give in becasue of pressure, but it seems there may be another underlying problem. Is it sex you never want to have or do you just not want to have it with him? What would happen if you married him? Is it a religious issue?
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 These two quotes tell it all. You are so closely enmeshed with this person that you are losing cognizance of your own state of mind and emotions. This is a hallmark of an unhealthy relationship - and sadly many of us go through it when we are first starting out. Sex will not change it, it will only become worse. If you already know it's not going to happen, what's the point? You really need to start separating yourself from this guy. You need to know what you want and need - not what he wants and needs. Your wants and needs SHOULD be more important than his. If they are not, then you have a problem. Great, great post. You need to realize that you CAN live without him, as hard as it seems. It IS possible to fall in love with someone else. But you have to realize that if he's making you feel guilty for not wanting sex right now, it IS unhealthy. You know him better than I. Maybe you just decline, then feel bad about it. But if he knows that you aren't ready, and he still pressures you, and then you feel bad? That's a problem.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 That quote really jumped out at me too. After reading the OP I was going to say that you should not let anyone pressure you into having sex if you don't feel ready. But that quote concerns me. What do you mean by "its never going to happen"? Do you never want to have sex ever? If so, why are you botherign to be in a relationship with him? I don't think you should give in becasue of pressure, but it seems there may be another underlying problem. Is it sex you never want to have or do you just not want to have it with him? What would happen if you married him? Is it a religious issue? I just think it's as she says. She's not ready. Maybe it's a lack of sex drive, which we all know fluctuates. Maybe it's because of being 23. But whatever it is, she doesn't want it quite yet, and he needs to respect that. Respect. Key word.
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Well the guy's quite a trooper if he's already waited around for 2 years. I wouldn't be able to wait around that long. I doubt most guys could. If you're sure you're not going to have sex with him then you should at least let him know what's up so he can find someone whose needs are more inline with his own. I'm also curious to hear the answers to annabelle's questions.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Great, great post. You need to realize that you CAN live without him, as hard as it seems. It IS possible to fall in love with someone else. But you have to realize that if he's making you feel guilty for not wanting sex right now, it IS unhealthy. You know him better than I. Maybe you just decline, then feel bad about it. But if he knows that you aren't ready, and he still pressures you, and then you feel bad? That's a problem. I'm playing devils advocate a little bit here but anyway..yes it's wrong for him to pressure her, but 2 years is a long time to keep getting rejected. I mean I really don't know if this guy understands what is happening here. It's kind of like women and marriage, a man isn't ready to get marred and the women is. She can't understand why he isn't ready, asks when he's going to be ready because she really wants to get married and it's important to her. Same situation here, only it's sex. Yeah, he needs to ease up on the pressure, but at least he's not forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do.
annabelle75 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I just think it's as she says. She's not ready. Maybe it's a lack of sex drive, which we all know fluctuates. Maybe it's because of being 23. But whatever it is, she doesn't want it quite yet, and he needs to respect that. Respect. Key word. I do not disagree with you on that at all. I just think she needs to look at her reasons a little more closely and figure out if this is a result of a more serious issue. The particular quote I was referring to did not say she wasn't ready but instead said "its never going to happen." I'm not sayin she is doing anything wrong, but there maybe more of an issue here than a person that doesn't feel ready to have sex.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I do not disagree with you on that at all. I just think she needs to look at her reasons a little more closely and figure out if this is a result of a more serious issue. The particular quote I was referring to did not say she wasn't ready but instead said "its never going to happen." I'm not sayin she is doing anything wrong, but there maybe more of an issue here than a person that doesn't feel ready to have sex. I totally agree. I don't know if I could have a relationship that didn't involve sex. It's an important thing to share with my partner and it's something I enjoy. I'm sure this guy feels the same way. I doubt he is just after sex and trying to play her, I mean the guy waited 2 years. She really does need to think about why she doesn't want to have sex with her bf.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I'm playing devils advocate a little bit here but anyway..yes it's wrong for him to pressure her, but 2 years is a long time to keep getting rejected. I mean I really don't know if this guy understands what is happening here. It's kind of like women and marriage, a man isn't ready to get marred and the women is. She can't understand why he isn't ready, asks when he's going to be ready because she really wants to get married and it's important to her. Same situation here, only it's sex. Yeah, he needs to ease up on the pressure, but at least he's not forcing her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Aww, my little advocate You're absolutely right, I apologize, I forgot that tiny but ever so crucial detail of 2 years. That's definitely got to be hard for him. That's a very long time. He's got to be very confused, especially when you say that you 'aren't' ready. He's wondering if you're ever going to be ready. It's admirable that he's made it this far. With the pressure issue, does he sound too needy? Cause he might be thinking that he'll bring it up every now and then, and maybe one day you WILL be ready.
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Yes i never had sex and maybe I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. It's not a matter of religion either. And when i said it's not going to happen, I didn't mean ever. But I'm not ready to face sex in the next months for sure, although I told him I would work on it. jcster, you're right when you say it's an unhealthy relation. Maybe I would feel happier with time if I broke up but I honestly can't make myself do that. I'm too attached.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I do not disagree with you on that at all. I just think she needs to look at her reasons a little more closely and figure out if this is a result of a more serious issue. The particular quote I was referring to did not say she wasn't ready but instead said "its never going to happen." I'm not sayin she is doing anything wrong, but there maybe more of an issue here than a person that doesn't feel ready to have sex. Some people simply don't want sex. And if that is the case, it's going to be a hard relationship for him to handle. But there very well be underlying issues that we don't know about.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Yes i never had sex and maybe I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. It's not a matter of religion either. And when i said it's not going to happen, I didn't mean ever. But I'm not ready to face sex in the next months for sure, although I told him I would work on it. jcster, you're right when you say it's an unhealthy relation. Maybe I would feel happier with time if I broke up but I honestly can't make myself do that. I'm too attached. Aww, I deserve props too, I also said it was unhealthy. A couple things. What did you mean by work on it? Have you thought about exploring what things feel like for yourself? Is it sex with him, or sex in general that you don't like the thought of? If you did break it off and stayed friends, sex would be out of the picture for him, and if he could stay friends with you, then things would be much better for you. IS there a reason for not being ready in these next few months? Any specific reason?
annabelle75 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Aww, I deserve props too, I also said it was unhealthy. A couple things. What did you mean by work on it? Have you thought about exploring what things feel like for yourself? Is it sex with him, or sex in general that you don't like the thought of? If you did break it off and stayed friends, sex would be out of the picture for him, and if he could stay friends with you, then things would be much better for you. IS there a reason for not being ready in these next few months? Any specific reason? Good questions. Also, have you been completely honest with him about how you don't think you'll be ready anytime soon or are you stringing him along with false hope because you're afraid he will leave you? Is he seriously pressuring you are do you just feel really guilty anytime the subject comes up because you feel bad about making him wait? I think you need to ask yourself all these questions and answer them honestly and then be honest with him.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Good questions. Also, have you been completely honest with him about how you don't think you'll be ready anytime soon or are you stringing him along with false hope because you're afraid he will leave you? Is he seriously pressuring you are do you just feel really guilty anytime the subject comes up because you feel bad about making him wait? I think you need to ask yourself all these questions and answer them honestly and then be honest with him. You win, annabelle.
annabelle75 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 You win, annabelle. :takes victory lap around the office while pumping fist in the air:
Author Hestia Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Aww, I deserve props too, I also said it was unhealthy. A couple things. What did you mean by work on it? Have you thought about exploring what things feel like for yourself? Is it sex with him, or sex in general that you don't like the thought of? If you did break it off and stayed friends, sex would be out of the picture for him, and if he could stay friends with you, then things would be much better for you. IS there a reason for not being ready in these next few months? Any specific reason? Lol sorry PeterJames, I give you that too. Well I told him I would try to get over my hangups regarding sex (although I really don't know what am I supposed to do about it, I can't just get over it). I think I can see myself having sex with him, just not yet, I don't want to. I don't know why, it's just how I feel. Maybe I think sex is dirty... I really don't know. We tried the friends thing, but we are both deeply romantically involved so it didn't work.
annabelle75 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Lol sorry PeterJames, I give you that too. Well I told him I would try to get over my hangups regarding sex (although I really don't know what am I supposed to do about it, I can't just get over it). I think I can see myself having sex with him, just not yet, I don't want to. I don't know why, it's just how I feel. Maybe I think sex is dirty... I really don't know. We tried the friends thing, but we are both deeply romantically involved so it didn't work. have you considered talking to a therapist?
Lauriebell82 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Lol sorry PeterJames, I give you that too. Well I told him I would try to get over my hangups regarding sex (although I really don't know what am I supposed to do about it, I can't just get over it). I think I can see myself having sex with him, just not yet, I don't want to. I don't know why, it's just how I feel. Maybe I think sex is dirty... I really don't know. We tried the friends thing, but we are both deeply romantically involved so it didn't work. Have you tried counseling? I really think that it could help you. Even going to a gynechologist might help to discuss some of your fears and anxieties. It's ok if you don't want to have sex, but you really need to be honestwith you bf about what you want. I'm sure he loves you if he has waited this long, but i'm sure it's gotta be hard for him. I think counseling may really help you, not just because i'm a counselor myself, but because people come into counseling with those types of problems all the time.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Lol sorry PeterJames, I give you that too. Well I told him I would try to get over my hangups regarding sex (although I really don't know what am I supposed to do about it, I can't just get over it). I think I can see myself having sex with him, just not yet, I don't want to. I don't know why, it's just how I feel. Maybe I think sex is dirty... I really don't know. We tried the friends thing, but we are both deeply romantically involved so it didn't work. Have you ever done any foreplay with him? Or are you not quite ready for any sexual actions? Therapists are great people. Another solid post for annabelle. If you could, please elaborate on being 'romantically involved'.
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