Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 You're right. I'm still in the shock phase really. I thought I was over it, but I was being premature. Thanks for slapping my face abit. I'll be needing a lot of them for a while. I just hate it when people disappoint me. But you're right. I ended it when it should've ended. I broke something. It's a violent act that is so not characteristic of me. But it really said something about how much of a different person I was becoming because of the situation. I smashed the frame, and I had to end it before I scared her, or me, even more. Sorry, it wasn't meant to be a slapping really. Just a pointer that you're absolutely doing the right thing. This gal betrayed you. She's right on Guam where you are now and has made NO EFFORT to contact you. Jack, if she loved you and wanted to be with you, she would be there. But YOU didn't break it alone. A relationship is 50% responsibility on either side. A relationship takes both people to make the effort and make it work. Jack, you may have taken the responsibility for ending things because it was just too fckin much to go on with... but she had left the relationship waaaay before you took that responsibility. Look up 'passive aggressive' behaviour... what happens is a person makes the situ so uncomfortable that their partner takes the responsibility away from them because they REALLY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. Believe me... I know what I'm talking about because I MADE my exOH do exactly the same thing because I was NOT prepared to give him the satisfaction of manipulating me into ending a relationship that I knew HE had left long before. Also Jack, it's human nature to expect the best of people. The problem is, human beings are simply that... human. They rarely exceed our expectations and really, what right do we have to expect them to do so...? At the end of the day... people are people and we are where we are in life. She really isn't coming back Jack. Keep telling yourself that. It helps a little. Not much but a little and gradually things get easier.
Author jackmerridew Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Hi Jack.. Its so very strange.. your post is me not to an exact but close enough to make me upset again. Young professional planning his moves on life considering that one true special person as part of my masterplan and boom its all pulled away. Never thought it was possible for her to hurt me so much didnt think she would or could. One thing i can say without me explaining what happened (it would take too long). With her gone it made me realise how i had based so much solely around her, my life had evolved to the point where my structure rested upon her shoulders to the extent that when she left i fell. I was strong at first then got weaker and weaker gaps in my daily hum of life, time spent together now spent alone. I too was left in 'our' apartment just me the four walls and a bucket of good memories turned sad. As the days have passed to nearly 2 months ive only in the last week finished all communications with her (but i know she''ll come back to ease her own conscience and propose friendship she can then say 'i tried'). Its hard to clear my mind fully of her, i now throw myself at work, guitar gym my original pleasures, during the first few weeks i nearly quit my job. But ya know i realise now i spent so much time considering the proverbial 'us' that i forgot about me, the reasons i studied so hard in college worked all them sh*t jobs to fund it. I now have the chance to pursue life for me and for me alone. It still hurts i wish she was here to enjoy it. Someday we will all be happy. Happy with our life, and our situations lets focus on direction and positives. As always theres a balance, with bad theres good to be found. Find it latch to it and move with it, young free and single missing the memory of a special someone who we thought we knew but we dont anymore.. their loss. why? because this situation will force self reflection make us see the bad the good and how we cant allow this again.. what have they achieved? i guarantee its far from the same path of enlightenment. Chin up. Trust me as days pass you'll remember what you've always aimed for but never really knew. Peace.. //Tomás It's notes like these that help me through the day, seriously. I can read one of these notes like this, and suddenly feel a little bit better about it for the rest of the day. You're right. I leaned so much on my livelihood on "us", that I completely lost focus of what I want. This is what I have done so far: Seen my friend's band Drank with coworkers, who are very supportive Touched base again with old friends who are 100-percent supportive of me Bought a guitar and am practicing again Started smoking again Obviously I need to quit smoking again. But honestly, it helps my mind focus, even though it doesn't quite take away the pain. And yes, I used to do a lot of drugs myself to deal with my own problems, but I've been clean for three years. And I'm not about to fall back on that demonic habit. Today I begin to pack up her stuff. Wish me luck. Fortunately my friends and family said that I am free to call them 24/7 any time I feel my resolve to waiver. And of course, I have this wonderful messageboard community to cry with. I wish there was a way we can all get together for a good cry, because we all deserve it.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Jack, stop smoking... otherwise I shall have to hunt you down and come over there and kick your arse. (I had cancer at 32 and I didn't get through it to watch others die)
Author jackmerridew Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Jack, stop smoking... otherwise I shall have to hunt you down and come over there and kick your arse. (I had cancer at 32 and I didn't get through it to watch others die) You know what I love about this place? That nobody decides to pull weight on other people's suffering. Nobody thinks that anyone else's suffering is less significant than theirs. Instead, we all use our individual suffering to support each other out of this, no matter how trivial or serious it might be. I recognize that there are other people who suffer more than me. At the same time, it doesn't take away how heavy I feel inside. But at the same time, I know that I am never alone, no matter who is with me physically. We are all one in this. I am happy, Chinook, that you were able to survive through your pain, physical and spiritually, so you can be here to talk to me and everyone else.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Jack, if cancer couldn't kill me... I'm damn sure that a guy who didn't appreciate what he had when he had it won't!! :) Stay strong yourself... and give the smokes a rest no..?!!
Author jackmerridew Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 So she broke no contact. She logged onto her myspace and discovered that I deleted her. She was also upset that I called up her mother, and emailed her brother and sister. However all I told her family, whom I'm very close to, is that even though Rachel and I are apart, they will always have a special place in my heart and if they need anything at all, I will be there for them. Her family took me in and accepted me as one of their own. Her father was like a father figure to me, and he did me a great number of favors. And I spent a lot of time with her brother and sister. I wanted to know that anything that happened between me and her only happened between me and her. And she was upset about it! I told her exactly what I told her family, and I told her that I'm trying to cope in my OWN way. Until she's ready to commit, don't contact me. If she really wanted to talk, she has my number on speed dial. Still, I was feeling pretty good this afternoon until that message opened my wounds further. And she has the nerve to say that I'm losing a friend in her...
Author jackmerridew Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 She obviously doesn't give a crap about me. She posted this comment on her best friend's myspace, who also happens to be a good friend of mine too: "hey ali!! G*** dumped me!!! HAHAHAAAAA wtf. then he deleted me as a friend on myspace LOLS and then he posted a whole blog about everything, what a sad man. misss you!!!!!! i'm on guam btw." iIm sorry she sees it that way, and I guess I'm hurt that she is looking down on the way I've been coping.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Hey mate this is what i ment earlier, no contact what so ever, now your back to stage 1 and proberbly feeling worse cos of what she said. I was close to all my exs parents. I belive when you lose the ex the family should go too. She broke up with me and her 3 kids mum, dad brother and freinds went with. I really miss them all (not as much now as im in strict n/c and its helped big time) but being in touch with the parents its just clinging on to the person that you truly want to be with. Let them all go mate, do you want your ex to laugh at you? Show her your a man and you can walk away from her (even though it will be hard for you at the moment) show her you can live and funtion without her, this will give you respect. Soon you will start to move on and heal. Looking at myspace/talking to her mum and her will never set the pain free. look at what she said to her mates? Is that the girl you were in love with? No that girl has gone, and its time for you to move on. Let her go now and stat to heal. No mates, no freinds with the ex. Remember we are going and have been through what your going through, im at the later stage of the rollercoaster and i can tell you that no contact at all is the only way to get better, find yourself, and be happy for the new relationship thats in the future.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 She obviously doesn't give a crap about me. She posted this comment on her best friend's myspace, who also happens to be a good friend of mine too: "hey ali!! G*** dumped me!!! HAHAHAAAAA wtf. then he deleted me as a friend on myspace LOLS and then he posted a whole blog about everything, what a sad man. misss you!!!!!! i'm on guam btw." iIm sorry she sees it that way, and I guess I'm hurt that she is looking down on the way I've been coping. Jack, as Funky says... the girl you loved has gone. What's happening now is that she's using whatever she can in her mind to make you 'the enemy' and so giving her a coping mechanism. Right now, she's doing her thing to get through. She can't see how you cope. She can't see how she's impacting on you. If I were you... delete the myspace account and take a break from checking her things out. Funky is right, no contact means exactly that NO contact... that means no checking, no accidental loading of pictures, no emails, no MSN, no phone calls. NOTHING. ZERO. NADA. ZILCH. You have to get through this. You have to ask yourself are you still hoping to get her back or are you really letting the relationship go...? If you're hoping to get her back, you'll be a little while more in pain with the no contact thing. If you're really letting go (and I'm not sure you are) no contact will work. You have to forgive your brain Jack and how it copes. The brain does funny things to us when it's grieving. It tells us all the good things we want to hear. It repaints all the bad stuff into 'well-it-really-wasn't-THAT-bad' stuff and makes us believe it might be worth hanging onto. Take a cold look at reality. This week I had deleted all my ex's mails. I wish I'd kept them now. I had nothing to look back on to remind me of exactly how hard it was and what a complete git he could be. So I had to ask my girlfriends to email me reminders of the stories I had been talking about over the last 8 months. The things I had glossed over and forgotten were amazing. I mean the guy called me a 'whore' FFS!! (and I ended up apologising to HIM for over-reacting about it when he did so!!) The brain has an amazing capacity to overlook hurt when it wants something. Ask yourself whether you REALLY want to be back where you were. I loved my guy like I'd never loved anyone else. I will never be that close to anyone again - he's taught me to guard my heart well now. But I will NEVER go back. What is damaged is damaged and what is done is done. We can NEVER go back now. As I said elsewhere last night, the worst thing that could happen to me now is that he DOES contact me. I really doubt he will given how spiteful he has been - but if he does, that's the time I'll be in trouble.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Helllo chinook, hop your still cool today! Tonight im doing a gig, last year the ex came to this one, but at this moment, i dont give a crap! again waking up feeling good. Iv got a veiwing on my house today, so hope it sell, but i will be sad to as i love it here, but time to move on i guess. its scary at the moment because she is so little in my thoughts on a high contious level. I do hope one day in a few months we can be distant friends, as i think we are better suited to that, but im going to move well and truly on before i even think about that again. Of course youll find some1 that you will love as strong, i know i will, and i will also get back the same, not in gifts, but in warmth and loyalty. You know what you said about a remonder, my sig is enough reminder to how selfish she was.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Helllo chinook, hop your still cool today! Tonight im doing a gig, last year the ex came to this one, but at this moment, i dont give a crap! again waking up feeling good. Iv got a veiwing on my house today, so hope it sell, but i will be sad to as i love it here, but time to move on i guess. its scary at the moment because she is so little in my thoughts on a high contious level. I do hope one day in a few months we can be distant friends, as i think we are better suited to that, but im going to move well and truly on before i even think about that again. Of course youll find some1 that you will love as strong, i know i will, and i will also get back the same, not in gifts, but in warmth and loyalty. You know what you said about a remonder, my sig is enough reminder to how selfish she was. Hiya Funky. I'm doing okay today. I had a couple of tears before bed last night - that bit is still a bit hard. But it's kinda weird... not sure what my brain is doing but it's like I can hardly remember him now. I have to be honest though, I do know this happens to me. It started when I had chemotherapy 5 years ago. When my brain gets traumatised somehow I get really stressed and all the stress hormones make me really forgetful. I can barely picture what he looked like. I have to work really hard to see his face in my mind. I know it's my brain protecting me from too much immediate pain. But I'm worried that it's doing the burying-head-in-sand thing and it will come back to haunt me at a later date. So I'm trying to make sure I make a conscious effort TO THINK about him and what happened and I make a note of how I'm feeling as each day goes by. That way I can work through it but also allow my brain to switch off to it if it needs to...because it's not letting me think about him all the time right now. I know it probably seems like a good thing but I've been in high-stress situations where the stuff which is unresolved comes back 10 fold and hurts even more down the line.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Thats like me, but im just going with it, if my brain says forget her, then ill listen to it. Shame i never did it a lot sooner! I think your just healing, why do you want to drege up crap, let it go as a memory that you can recall when you want to , and not because you feel you have to. I think he is going out of your heart now, and maybe subcountiously you are trying to keep him alive? im so glad you fought through cancer, my mum had it, shes ok now too. How old are you?
Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I think he is going out of your heart now, and maybe subcountiously you are trying to keep him alive? im so glad you fought through cancer, my mum had it, shes ok now too. How old are you? I think you're right. I think he's leaving my heart too and it's not so painful now. I know it may still be up and down but it doesn't hurt today. I don't think I'm trying to keep him alive really. Just I've been in the situation before when my brain is shutting down and not dealing with stuff... so I can't tell the difference with it doing that and processing this. Let's hope itll be okay and just go with it. I'm 37 Funky, I was 32 when I first got cancer. It was hard but it's okay now. I'm hoping to get discharged from the oncologist in Sept. I got through that, I can definitely get through this.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 well if your clear for 5 years then you will be fine. Its a shame that you had to go through all this crap too, you have had a lot of fight in the last few years, like me. You should be very very proud of yourself you went through all this crap and are winning again. My personal email is [email protected] if you ever need a freind. I think the people who come here are in general hurting for whatever reason, and they are the caring kind, who have a heart.
Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Thanks funky. I'm doing okay at the moment. I'm kinda glad that I do feel so much passion about things. It's so hard but at the same time, it's what being alive is all about and I'm damn lucky to be in that place! (especially considering they didn't think I'd make it to 2 years let alone 5!)
Author jackmerridew Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Jack, as Funky says... the girl you loved has gone. What's happening now is that she's using whatever she can in her mind to make you 'the enemy' and so giving her a coping mechanism. Right now, she's doing her thing to get through. She can't see how you cope. She can't see how she's impacting on you. If I were you... delete the myspace account and take a break from checking her things out. Funky is right, no contact means exactly that NO contact... that means no checking, no accidental loading of pictures, no emails, no MSN, no phone calls. NOTHING. ZERO. NADA. ZILCH. You have to get through this. You have to ask yourself are you still hoping to get her back or are you really letting the relationship go...? If you're hoping to get her back, you'll be a little while more in pain with the no contact thing. If you're really letting go (and I'm not sure you are) no contact will work. I already deleted her as a friend on myspace, however I can't delete my own account. I have almost 800 friends and I use the myspace account a lot for work and keeping in touch with hundreds of old friends. You guys are right in that she is just trying to regain some sense of control over this already-broken relationship. I'm not going to contact her family anymore. However her father helped me out a LOT and I still owe him a great debt to him. I wanted to talk to him as a man, and since that's done, there's no need to talk to him further unless he needs something of me. What I need to remember is that I shouldn't care about what she says about me. Guam is a small island. However, I think what she dreads is that she finally has an exboyfriend whom people trust more than her. I am well loved on that island, and what I say usually goes. So it really is her reputation at stake, even though I have no intention of ruining it. She knows, deep down inside, that everyone, even her best friends, will know that I would be telling the whole truth. It's my reputation, as a person and as a journalist.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 However, I think what she dreads is that she finally has an exboyfriend whom people trust more than her. I am well loved on that island, and what I say usually goes. So it really is her reputation at stake, even though I have no intention of ruining it. She knows, deep down inside, that everyone, even her best friends, will know that I would be telling the whole truth. It's my reputation, as a person and as a journalist. Now you know all that, dont worry about her or what she thinks, its time to think of number 1. Remember even a bed or roses has thorns. As Chinook says shes trying to handle things her way, just let her, and ignore it. You got to think of you.
Author jackmerridew Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 *sigh* She called me in the middle of the night. She apparently hung out at the bar where we had our first kiss, and it brought back a lot of memories for her, and she was asking if she could see me when I go back to Guam, and asking if I still love her and miss her. I told her I did, but that she really hurt me and she failed to show me that love. And she said that she did, and that she cooked for me and tried to take care of me in the last few days. She sounds distraught, and I guess I'm more confused now than anything. And honestly, I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. I still do really! I went out last night, went clubbing. Tonight I'm going to watch the Transformers movie and hit the gym. I hate to hear that she's struggling too. She may have betrayed my trust, but I still care for her and love her. She said I'm hurting her feelings by shutting her out completely. *sigh*
frd150 Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 AHH, Be careful. It is very easy to be manipulated given the state your in. Emotions are still very raw. You need some time for yourself in order to re gain some clarity. The only call that really matters IMHO is the one from her saying sorry for all of this, sorry for how i treated you,i want to work on this together. It's ok to love and care for her but she needs to be straight with you and show some in return. Keep progressing, do for yourself as others have told you here and DO NOT answer every call from her. We are all rowing in the same boat.
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