Don't think things are going to work out ... LONG!

[Not_That_Innocent]

If you read my previous posts about Lou the bartender you already know what has happened up to this point. Here's the link in case you don't.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123142/

 

I'm sorry to say I don't think things are going to work out between us, even though we were going to try and just be casual friends. My last post indicated I was going up to the bar to visit him. When I got there we talked a bit about why he doesn't return my phone calls. As you all suspected, he said that he was confused by what I said originally, didn't want to get hurt, etc. etc. We made plans for him to come over to my place today after work so that we could iron things out so we are both on the same page. As I was getting ready to leave the bar one of his friends showed up. This friend happens to be my neighbor, although I don't know him very well. Lou told me this particular friend has really pushed for the two of us to be together, says we make a good couple etc., etc.

 

Since the friend was there I decided to stay for another drink. I wanted to spend as much time around Lou as possible, but he was working so it started to get a little lonely. When the friend showed up I had someone to talk to. He gave me some advice on how to approach Lou, told me that I should keep pushing forward with him even though he was pulling away. Stuff like that. We got into a pretty good conversation but the whole time I was trying to let Lou know that I was still there for him. I smiled every time he looked my way, stared at him a lot - basically just wanted to let him know that while I was talking to the friend I was still more interested in being there for him.

 

The friend and I started playing a game whereas we took turns guessing the artist of the songs playing. It's a game I love to play because I have varied taste in music and most of the people I hang out with only listen to one or two genres. The friend knew a lot of different music so it got to be really fun. We ended up making a bet that whoever lost had to pay the bill. I had a few more drinks and he had a few drinks plus dinner. All was well, so I thought and I went home. I asked Lou to call me when he got off.

 

He called me and basically started going off on me that I was flirting with his friend, which I wasnt. I tired to explain to him that we were playing a game but he was really upset saying that he couldn't even talk to me because the friend was there. How that's my fault I don't know, 'cause I tried my best to let Lou know that my attention was still on him. Apparently, he wasn't picking up the same signal I was putting out. He bantered on about me being a flirt and if I'm the kind of woman who hangs out at bars and flirt with men he can't handle that. Again, I tried to explain my side. I don't know what he meant by flirting. I wasn't hanging all over his friend or anything, we were just having a competition and it was fun. It really hurt my feelings the comment he made about me being the type of woman who hangs out at bars and flirts with men. I am a flirt, and I told him that in the beginning, so I feel like he took that opportunity to hold that against me. But again, when I flirt, I'm not hanging all over men or anything like that. I'm just really good at engaging people in conversation, make eye contact and stuff like that.

 

Anyway ... he would hardly let me get a word in edgewise. Then all of a sudden he said he had company and that he had to go. I called today and left him a voicemail saying I hoped he wasn't upset with me and to let me know if we were still going to get together tonight. No response. He at least could have replied to say no he didn't want to, he just avoided me all together. I've decided that I am done. For one, I don't want to start anything with a guy who's going to be hot one minute, blow me off the next, then throw a fit 'cause he thinks I'm flirting w/ another guy when half the time he himself won't even return my calls. His behavior just sends up all kinds of red flags for me. I seriously deleted his number from my phone, I don't care to talk to him anymore if he's going to be like that. For one, it shows he has some kind of jealous streak (even though he acts like he doesn't want me) and for two, it shows he doesn't have the emotional maturity needed to talk through the situation. I guess I'm glad it happened sooner rather than later.

[underpants]

Well, it seem that "Smooth Lou" isn't so great after all.

 

Oh well, if I am right you are freshly out of a relationship yourself and not so ready to get into anything serious as well.

 

So you had a little fling with the cute bartender.

 

He had some flags to begin with so, alls well that ends well.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it, and probably see it as a blessing in disguise.

 

Regards,

Unders

[dropdeadlegs]

I read your linked thread to get a better picture of what is going on. Here's my advice.

 

Personally, I think it is best to finish one relationship (your marriage) before entering another. I know you are separated, but until you are very clearly finished with the marriage, and your husband knows your intentions are clearly to divorce, I just don't think it's a good idea to date or even have a FWB. But, that's just my opinion and you are obviously free to do as you choose.

 

With that in mind, you and Lou need some alone time to see what develops. If he would see you outside of the bar atmosphere, or more accurately away from work, you would both have time to get to know one another better without distractions. I don't think that trying to develop things will pan out while he is working, and if you choose to go to a bar, I suggest going anywhere else. That way you might have less interruption from patrons that know him.

 

As for the lack of returning calls and his way of running hot and cold, I think there are plenty of reasons for that mostly having to do with investing in a person. It's hard to allow yourself have feelings for someone when you suspect you may be a rebound relationship or they do not seem to be feeling the same connection as you are. Lou may be interested, yet not willing to invest just yet, and his mind might be flip-flopping on that. More likely he doesn't want anything involving commitment at this point. Men aren't usually that hard to read, their actions still speak louder than their words, but I give a lot of credit to what they say.

 

You seem to like each other, but I wonder about the timing. Unless you had been separated for a long time and were near the final divorce, I would be lax to invest too heavily, but I might sleep with you just to try you on for size.

 

All in all, I think you two needed to communicate better from the get-go, but maybe that can still be done. Some people prefer to cut their losses quickly when they see a red flag or two, others are more forgiving and willing to try to work miscommunications out.

 

I see his lack of returning calls and texts as a pretty big red flag for you to take heed of. Unless that was remedied, and quickly, I'm thinking blessing in disguise, myself.