Feeling Down =(

[spookie]

My ex and I have together 3 years, the last one very on and off. Same story almost everyone has. I wanted to be together, "knew" he was the right person, wanted to move forward, he constantly needed more and more space and would go through periods where he "just wanted to be alone". He always wanted to remain friends, and in the past I used to oblige, we would hang out, but less, keep hooking up, and eventually (after I withdrew a LOT) he would come around.

 

The last time this happened was around April. We'd been back together about 4 months at that point, during which I got pregnant, had an abortion, we took a ski trip with his family, and he started talking about marriage. Up to four days before the actual breakup, he was telling me that he thought we should stay together, that we had gone through so much already and I was his best friend, that he wanted to propose after the summer etcetc.

 

Of course, four days later, after a small fight due to his complete withdrawal, during which I overreacted somewhat, he broke up with me.

 

We stayed friends. We had sex a couple of times, but after each one I hurt even more. He helped me move out of my apartment, and, right before I flew home for two months, he told me he loved me.

 

At first he called every day, though explicitly saying he didn't want to get back together. That was nice, but through facebook I also began to realize that he was lying to me about what he was doing with his time and that in fact he was partying 3 times a week with new people (he used to never do this), meeting new girls, and going swimming, etc with them.

 

I wasn't comfortable in my position as his confidante and emotional support while he was obviously in the single mindset, so after a couple of days of him not returning my phone calls, I decided to send him an email basically severing our friendship.

 

This is what I wrote:

 

Dear (spookie's ex),

 

I've had a lot of time on my hands these past couple of weeks, and my distance

from you has given me an opportunity to evaluate our relationship these past

couple of years. I've been meaning to tell you all this over the phone the last

several times we spoke, but I'd never managed to get the words out. This is one

of the most painful things I've ever had to do.

 

Throughout the ups and downs these past three years, you've become my best

friend. No one knows me like you do, or understands me as well; you've been

there for me through some of the scariest times of my life, and you're my

favorite person to spend time with because you accept me as I am and you like

doing the same things I do. I almost wish we'd never gotten involved

romantically, because then I could have kept my best friend (and those are hard

to find), but we did, and I've realized that I can't unravel our relationship

without letting go of the friendship.

 

It's apparent to me now that we aren't right for each other, and I am moving on.

I know you are doing the same, and while I want the best for you, it would be

too emotionally exhausting for me to see you rebounding with someone else,

falling in love again, etc, as I am sure it would be for you. These situations

are inevitable, and friends can bear witness to them without so much as a

passing thought, but I am not sure we can handle them in a way that would not

impede each of us from progressing emotionally.

 

Thank you for being a wonderful boyfriend for so long and more importantly a

fantastic friend. Thank you for caring about me, looking out for my best

interests, treating me fairly, and introducing me to sex, spooning, starcraft,

wavelengths, and bbq. Thank you for going out of your way countless times to

make sure I was safe and happy, for putting up with my bad moods, for baking me

cakes on my birthdays. I appreciate the tremendous positive influence you played

in my development, and I'll always look fondly on the many memories we made

together. I care about and love you a lot and I hope you find whatever it is

you are looking for.

 

Yours,

 

(spookie)

 

 

The next day he responded asking me for my phone number because he had lost my phone.

 

I replied nicely, in effect telling him that for the reasons I stated in my previous message, I didn't want to be friends and it would be better if we didn't talk.

 

The email server I used lets me see when the mail I sent is read. I also know he checks his email several times a day.

 

He didn't open my message for four days. And now, a week later, he still hasn't responded.

 

I am just feeling so down. I tried so hard to be a good person to this guy. I was a loving girlfriend, I would have done anything for him (and indeed I did, I had an abortion even though I didn't want to because he convinced me we had a better chance at staying together if we didn't such young parents). I was a good friend, and I feel I was perfectly reasonable in my recent correspondence. I just cannot put any more love into someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I know he's moving on. There's one girl in particular that I think he is interested in. But, I am just miffed that he could completely throw away our three year relationship over the first drunk and horny 18 year-old (we are 22) that shows any interest.

 

I put so much feeling into my email to him. I really wanted to convey how much I loved him and treasured what we had, but that I was moving on. I guess I expected at least a short resonse. I don't know what. Maybe a thank you, a good luck, will miss you too. Just a little more than nothing.

 

My only consolation right now is that I know deep in my heart (though I often question this) that I did nothing wrong and that it won't be easy for him to find someone to love him as well as I did. And that, if he can go from so hot to so cold so fast toward someone he knows cares about him a lot, he must not be very stable, which I already knew from being there for him as a friend.

 

(His academic life is a mess, he has no idea what he wants for the future, he's been smoking pot every day, drinking three times a week, he's alienated his family and the only real friend he had (myself)).

 

He is going to lose in all this, at least in the short run, I know that. It just breaks my heart because I love him so so much.

[9Lives]

My ex and I have together 3 years, the last one very on and off. Same story almost everyone has. I wanted to be together, "knew" he was the right person, wanted to move forward, he constantly needed more and more space and would go through periods where he "just wanted to be alone". He always wanted to remain friends, and in the past I used to oblige, we would hang out, but less, keep hooking up, and eventually (after I withdrew a LOT) he would come around.

 

The last time this happened was around April. We'd been back together about 4 months at that point, during which I got pregnant, had an abortion, we took a ski trip with his family, and he started talking about marriage. Up to four days before the actual breakup, he was telling me that he thought we should stay together, that we had gone through so much already and I was his best friend, that he wanted to propose after the summer etcetc.

 

Of course, four days later, after a small fight due to his complete withdrawal, during which I overreacted somewhat, he broke up with me.

 

We stayed friends. We had sex a couple of times, but after each one I hurt even more. He helped me move out of my apartment, and, right before I flew home for two months, he told me he loved me.

 

At first he called every day, though explicitly saying he didn't want to get back together. That was nice, but through facebook I also began to realize that he was lying to me about what he was doing with his time and that in fact he was partying 3 times a week with new people (he used to never do this), meeting new girls, and going swimming, etc with them.

 

I wasn't comfortable in my position as his confidante and emotional support while he was obviously in the single mindset, so after a couple of days of him not returning my phone calls, I decided to send him an email basically severing our friendship.

 

This is what I wrote:

 

Dear (spookie's ex),

 

I've had a lot of time on my hands these past couple of weeks, and my distance

from you has given me an opportunity to evaluate our relationship these past

couple of years. I've been meaning to tell you all this over the phone the last

several times we spoke, but I'd never managed to get the words out. This is one

of the most painful things I've ever had to do.

 

Throughout the ups and downs these past three years, you've become my best

friend. No one knows me like you do, or understands me as well; you've been

there for me through some of the scariest times of my life, and you're my

favorite person to spend time with because you accept me as I am and you like

doing the same things I do. I almost wish we'd never gotten involved

romantically, because then I could have kept my best friend (and those are hard

to find), but we did, and I've realized that I can't unravel our relationship

without letting go of the friendship.

 

It's apparent to me now that we aren't right for each other, and I am moving on.

I know you are doing the same, and while I want the best for you, it would be

too emotionally exhausting for me to see you rebounding with someone else,

falling in love again, etc, as I am sure it would be for you. These situations

are inevitable, and friends can bear witness to them without so much as a

passing thought, but I am not sure we can handle them in a way that would not

impede each of us from progressing emotionally.

 

Thank you for being a wonderful boyfriend for so long and more importantly a

fantastic friend. Thank you for caring about me, looking out for my best

interests, treating me fairly, and introducing me to sex, spooning, starcraft,

wavelengths, and bbq. Thank you for going out of your way countless times to

make sure I was safe and happy, for putting up with my bad moods, for baking me

cakes on my birthdays. I appreciate the tremendous positive influence you played

in my development, and I'll always look fondly on the many memories we made

together. I care about and love you a lot and I hope you find whatever it is

you are looking for.

 

Yours,

 

(spookie)

 

 

The next day he responded asking me for my phone number because he had lost my phone.

 

I replied nicely, in effect telling him that for the reasons I stated in my previous message, I didn't want to be friends and it would be better if we didn't talk.

 

The email server I used lets me see when the mail I sent is read. I also know he checks his email several times a day.

 

He didn't open my message for four days. And now, a week later, he still hasn't responded.

 

I am just feeling so down. I tried so hard to be a good person to this guy. I was a loving girlfriend, I would have done anything for him (and indeed I did, I had an abortion even though I didn't want to because he convinced me we had a better chance at staying together if we didn't such young parents). I was a good friend, and I feel I was perfectly reasonable in my recent correspondence. I just cannot put any more love into someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

I know he's moving on. There's one girl in particular that I think he is interested in. But, I am just miffed that he could completely throw away our three year relationship over the first drunk and horny 18 year-old (we are 22) that shows any interest.

 

I put so much feeling into my email to him. I really wanted to convey how much I loved him and treasured what we had, but that I was moving on. I guess I expected at least a short resonse. I don't know what. Maybe a thank you, a good luck, will miss you too. Just a little more than nothing.

 

My only consolation right now is that I know deep in my heart (though I often question this) that I did nothing wrong and that it won't be easy for him to find someone to love him as well as I did. And that, if he can go from so hot to so cold so fast toward someone he knows cares about him a lot, he must not be very stable, which I already knew from being there for him as a friend.

 

(His academic life is a mess, he has no idea what he wants for the future, he's been smoking pot every day, drinking three times a week, he's alienated his family and the only real friend he had (myself)).

 

He is going to lose in all this, at least in the short run, I know that. It just breaks my heart because I love him so so much.

 

First of all I love my xm very much so I can relate to your pain of loving someone you dont really want gone out your life. Men are good at acting like they dont give a s/hit. If he as been with you for 3 years, he cant just forget about you like that. YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG. You have to look out for you. He is not looking out for your best interest right now. You better get that in your head or you are going to really get hurt by him. Believe that. He is doing his thang. Meeting other girls and all that. I would say keep your distance and start focusing on you. This is way harder said than done but if you dont want to feel like hell inside with out no relief then you bettet consider what I am saying. Love is painful sometimes. I love my xm but I cant deal with him right now or maybe ever. I dont know. I am doing NC. It is killing me.

[hrtbroken99]

aww the letter you wrote is so sweet

you seem like a really sweet girl

it's his loss

he sounds A LOT like my sorry X

maybe they are secretly related in some way:confused:

 

I would stick to NC and focus and take care of yourself right now

I am at almost 8months of NC

it was really hard for me at first but with time it got easier

I still have my days and nights of tears but it is not as bad as first

and as far as him meeting other girls and stuff...well all I can say again he sounds like my X, its so easy for guys to get out of a relatonship and just go out and run to the next thing with a vag*** plus I totally feel like there are SO many girls out there and it is SO easy for men to meet or find girls where as for women its so hard to find a nice guy

 

anyways, just focus on your self and feelings

stick with NC

keep yourself busy

surround yourself with friends and family

the first few fays and weeks are going to the the hardest so its important to not isolate yourself during this time

 

I send you lots of hugs:rolleyes:

[Chinook]

My dearest Spookie

 

I wish there was something I, or we on Loveshack, could say to help ease the pain and torment you are feeling. I wish I could offer you a salve that would make the heartbreak feel better. There isn't a great deal we can do. All we can do is hold out our virtual hands and offer them to you. It is painful and it will eventually get better.

 

Take a step back for a moment. You sent this guy a very logical and sweet email and it took him FOUR days to look at it. So he's checking his mail (you can't see when he logs in though, he may have been away) and he sees your mail sitting there - staring at him. He knows that mail probably contains a lot of emotional angst which really, he doesn't need to deal with in his happy new partying life. He ignored it (you) for as long as he could get away with. At least he did respond - my ex hasn't to a mail I sent him yesterday pretty much saying the same thing as you did.

 

Aside from the other issues you mention (which you have my heartfelt sympathy with) you talk about your impact upon him and your emotional state of being. Let me point something out to you... he doesn't want to know how you're feeling about everything and quite frankly, he doesn't need to know. It's not his right or responsibility to take care of you anymore. You have to do that for yourself now and we here will try to help you in what way we can.

 

Your note could have simply said 'we can't be friends' and that would have had the same impact. He doesn't care about what you're thinking because he only cares about what he's thinking and doing. That's normal, he can't be blamed for that...that's what we do as human beings. Inherently at times of emotional stress and trauma - we are selfish and that cannot be helped. He is simply closing you out and taking care of himself. Don't blame him for that, he needs to heal too.

 

But, your mail was also (whether you like it or not) trying to re-engage him and get a response. He isn't going to respond to you. Not in the way that you want him to and not in the way that is required to salve your hurt. You were right in the mail though, you guys have been through a lot. Only the passage of time will tell if you can be friends. In my opinion for two people who have felt and been through so much, that time is not now. The time now is to move along. It will be a slow and painful process but we're here to help you. Some day, it may get easier and you may become friends but your immediate focus should be on you and recovery.

 

9Lives and I (amongst a couple of others "ClearFocus" too I think) have been here 10 (ish) days since and we came to the board at the same time... so we have kinda gone through the initial few days pain together. We understand what you're feeling like. Talk and let it out. It will help.

 

Also, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to PM you my email address and the next time you feel like writing to him you send the mail to me... not to him. That way you're writing and it's going out there. It is the same as sending it to him because he is almost a stranger to you now. I will read it and try to offer you comfort. Does that sound like it could help..?! He cannot offer you the comfort you need and to be honest, you really don't need his comfort or his reassurance. You need to heal and unfortunately I hate to say this, but the posters who are almost fanatical about 'no contact' at this stage are right. Not having contact forces you to take care of you... whilst having contact, prolongs the pain of recovery. The only really reasonable time contact should be maintained is if there is a realistic and good chance of reconciliation. You don't seem to be in that place right now.

 

The other thing I want you to do is look up on Amazon a book called "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz and buy it for yourself and read it. This book was recommended to me by a Loveshack poster around a year ago. It's a little airy-fairy in places but the main thrust of the book makes sense. I found it liberating after reading it. It made so much sense to me. The reason I'm recommending it to you is because you cannot do anything about the way other people respond to you. The only thing you can do something about is your impact on others. This is something which you need to take care with repairing after this emotional trauma - so that you don't become bitter and heart-sick.

 

Please stay with LS and let us know how you are doing.

 

C x

[Chinook]

I can't PM you but I think you may be able to PM me. C x

[9Lives]

great post by Chinook. she is right and you couldnt have chosen a better place to air out your feelings and emotions. Please try to follow the advice. We are all looking out for your heart and emotions. But even if you dont listen and decide to do your own thing....we will still be here to help you pick up the pieces of your heart. We all have tested the water and had to come back to LS and say....I should have listened. But it is still okay.

 

Your man is not in "concern about you" mode. He is just not there. Yes you all have years on it but you are going to hve to deal with it.

 

From experience, we as woman can sometimes be too emotionally taxing to them. So they need space and all that. But if he is talking to other chics...You need to back up. It is very hard to do. Go ahead and cry and scream and all that stuff but leav him alone right now. It is best

[spookie]

Thanks so much everybody for the love and support. I could not have found a better place to go to than Loveshack. I really appreciate the heartfelt thoughts and the fantastic advice. I am sorry that you all are dealing with the same kind of pain, too. We really don't deserve it =(. But, it's going to make us stronger.

 

Thanks for offering to read my future emails, Chinook. I will definitely keep your offer in mind. Right now I am so angry at him I don't even feel like talking to him but if I ever do I will make sure to PM you instead.

 

I unlocked him from my facbeook briefly today to see what he was up to (bad idea, I know) and I saw he joined a new group: Coalition for a Succubus-Free America.

 

I thought it was kind of funny. Here's the description:

 

FAQ's:

 

Q: What is a succubus?

A: Succubi are unholy demon spawn females that impose their will on everyone around them. They usually take the form of a girlfriend to steal the soul of an unsuspecting friend to manipulate their reality. Their only pleasure is removing every once of fun from the life of the soul that they posess. They do not tolerate guy time or contact with rival females. They have no redeeming qualities.

 

Q: Are they always girlfriends?

A: No. They can also be wives. Succubi do not survive long without a host body to sustain them. I knew one succubus that had been without her husband for a few months. She was weak and powerless without her control over him. She went on Atkins and lied about her weight. She was still fat.

 

Q: Are they hot?

A: I've heard that they can be beautiful, but the only ones that I have come in contact with have been fugly as sin. I wanted to gouge my eyes out. The succubi I have known were all white and pasty. I'm not sure if it is a trend.

 

Q: Is there such thing as a good succubus?

A: No. There are only good witches.

 

Q: Can a guy be a succubus?

A: No. Unless they have a sex change.

 

Q: Who is susceptible to dating a succubus?

A: The same people that are susceptible to hypnotism and fat girls.

 

Q: Do they play sports?

A: Maybe, but not in my experience. Synchronized swimming is not a sport.

 

Q: How do I kill a succubus?

A: Wooden stakes and silver bullets work well, but a little poison and some old fashioned lead will also do the trick.

 

Q: Are all gold diggers succubi?

A: Yes, but not all succubi are gold diggers.

 

Q: My girlfriend says she will hyphenate her name. Is she a succubus?

A: Probably.

 

Q: Is Hillary Clinton a succubus?

A: Yes. Hill-Dog is the worst kind of succubus.

 

Q: I don't know a succubus. How will I know one when I see her?

A: Everyone knows a succubus. If you can't pick one out then you are either dating one (guys) or you are one (girls).

 

Q: My friend is dating a succubus. Is there a cure?

A: Succubi are like herpes. There is no cure, but there is treatment. The best thing you can do is talk to your friend about his poor decisions and show him pictures of all of the fun times that he had before she came into his life. Early detection is the key to stopping the succubus from completely taking over his life.

 

Q: I have dated a succubus in the past. Am I still at risk?

A: Absolutely. Those who have dated succubi in the past fall into the high risk category. The best thing that you can do is get yourself an accountable-a-buddy. You should also reconcile your soul with God.

 

Q: Why should I join the Coalition for a Succubus Free America?

A: Succubi affect us all. Those that date them often don't realize the effect that the succubus is having on their life until after the breakup. Everyone that is not dating one of the she-devils still has to put up with second-hand succubus. Succubi not only remove every bit of fun from their host body, they also emit an aura that clouds everyone else around them.

 

 

This is one of two groups he is in, so I can safely assume the "succubus" in question is myself. I am torn between thinking it's hilarious that he has to resort to such immature means to hurt me, being angry at myself for maybe expecting too much and curbing his fun (but seriously...I don't want a boyfriend that doesn't respect me enough not to get drunk and go "erotic parties" at other girls' dorm rooms), and being offended that he thinks this way of me.

 

But whatever. Just shows that he's a cake-man.

 

And I love Hillary.

[Chinook]

[sharp intake of breath]

 

woooowee. That had to hurt after 3 years.

 

For what it's worth... if his anger and painting you in a bad light to himself is the only way he can deal with his pain, then that's his business. What it clearly demonstrates though is that he's not mature enough to deal with the pain he has also inflicted upon you (not to mention the other stuff you've had to deal with because of him). Avoiding responsibilities is sometimes easier than it is to face them, they can and will resurface to bite the backside though. As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. Let him go m'dear - he's not worth your time now.

 

Oh and delete him from your facebook friends... that way you can't see what he's up to and he can't see what you're up to. Why torture yourself with it..? It took me a while but I deleted my ex from my MSN. He had me blocked anyhow but no matter, it was better for me not to see his name there, knowing he could see me online and had me blocked. Fck him. It's his loss.

[funkybassplayer]

Listen if you want to get over him, you have to have no contact without a dought. you cant be freinds, impossible, you have to think of yourself and only you.U seem like a really nice girl, and im sure he cares, guys are good at sayinmg things they dont mean under stress, but it is over, and you have to move forward, and take time out for you. Good luck.

[spookie]

Oh, I will move on. After the initial fight 2 months ago that led to the breakup, during which there was some screaming on my part, I have treated him with NOTHING but respect. I gave him all the space he needed, I never brought up the relationship or attempted any kind of pay-back for the MANY things he said that really hurt me. I REALLY wanted us to salvage respect for one another, if nothing else, and I made it a point to act in a way that deserved that respect. My email to him wasn't mean and I think it was reasonable given the circumstances. I just can't BELIEVE that after three years, after going through college together, almost having a baby, being best friends, soul mates, almost being engaged, he would join a public group to basically let all his friends (and mine) know that I was a crazy jealous bitch with no redeeming qualities, that our time together was a nightmare-ish mistake. That is just so mean and not something I expected from this guy.

[spookie]

And I won't unblock him again, nor will I ever make an attempt to be friends. My tries in the past were always based on the fact that he was pursuing a friendship and I was unsure about his feelings and intents. He's made those clear now. In a sick kind of way, I know that this is actually going to help me move on. He's acted in a way that completely disrespected both me and what we once had, IMO, and respect precedes both friendship and love.

[funkybassplayer]

Theres only one kind of repect that matters and thats self respect. You showed that, freinds is impossible at least for a few months. I treid it (for the sake of the kids) and was treated like crap by her (she got right into another relationship after a day) and then tossed me aside. I sent back all her crap, and never spoke to her since. People like your ex and mine will not help us to move forward. You have to now put it behind you, c him for what he is (and no contact will help you do this) and feel all the crap, and move on. Will take time but you will.

[Chinook]

He's acted in a way that completely disrespected both me and what we once had, IMO, and respect precedes both friendship and love.

Is exactly right. It's my experience that someone who treats you with disrespect in a relationship, is not going to treat you any better as a friend. In fact, it's almost an excuse to treat you badly. My ex was also the one whining about being friends. However, I don't have any friends who ignore emails, ignore phonecalls and will not discuss how best to let mutual friends deal with the current situation. So if my regular friends don't treat me that way, I'm damn certain someone who has discarded me like a used rag now that he's done with me, is not going to. I am not going to play 'lend an ear, or body' when he gets lonely and needs someone to listen to him or to hold him. Balls to that.

[funkybassplayer]

Is exactly right. It's my experience that someone who treats you with disrespect in a relationship, is not going to treat you any better as a friend. In fact, it's almost an excuse to treat you badly. My ex was also the one whining about being friends. However, I don't have any friends who ignore emails, ignore phonecalls and will not discuss how best to let mutual friends deal with the current situation. So if my regular friends don't treat me that way, I'm damn certain someone who has discarded me like a used rag now that he's done with me, is not going to. I am not going to play 'lend an ear, or body' when he gets lonely and needs someone to listen to him or to hold him. Balls to that.

 

C,

Do what i did if you got any of his stuff send it back no note, and walk away. Like you none of my freinds treat me with the disresect that she did me, She cryed to stay freinds and i did for her and the kids sake......big mistake, she hurt me bad. but i walked away. It hurt but i did, and now feel strong, and good about myself, and showed her and me i can be without that family. Thats what they understand, not kindness. i wish her well with her new toy.

[Chinook]

C,

Do what i did if you got any of his stuff send it back no note, and walk away. Like you none of my freinds treat me with the disresect that she did me, She cryed to stay freinds and i did for her and the kids sake......big mistake, she hurt me bad. but i walked away. It hurt but i did, and now feel strong, and good about myself, and showed her and me i can be without that family. Thats what they understand, not kindness. i wish her well with her new toy.

 

Thanks Funky. Really great advice there! I already mailed him two days ago to say I won't be his friend. He left a DVD here and a network cable. I've binned both. If he wants them he can buy new ones - if he wants those ones, screw him... he can sue me for them. I explained logically and nicely why I couldn't be his friend. I told him how painful and unrealistic it would be. Now... a normal friend would have the decency to say 'Okay, thankyou for explaining'. He has not even acknowledged the mail. So if he can't even treat an exchange of words with respect, then he can go directly to hell and rot there. I don't give a rat's backside what he thinks of me. I've cut out all my online activity in the places that he knew I was (myspace, facebook etc) because I really do not want him knowing what I'm doing, it's none of his business now (besides... just like your ex, I'm pretty sure he had someone either waiting in the wings or he was already seeing them). I'll get through this, it's painful... but I'll live.

[funkybassplayer]

sure you will, and the more time that goes by withot contact the better. See like your ex, i sent back a pretty big cheque (fiv weeks ago) i would have thought that she had the decency to let me know she got it, but then, it just sums her up. In a twist though, the cheque for £300 (she got me a guitar on interest free on her account, and it becomes payable at the end of august with ihterest) The cheque i sent will not be valid as my bank has changed hands!! So im debating to send her a new one , most people say dont send it!

[Chinook]

Funky, if she wants the money - let her ask you for it. You owe her nothing. In the grand scheme of things, the way she has treated you... maybe she'll feel too guilty to ask. Until then you can claim you didn't know anything about the current cheque being invalid.