mattea Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 ok, so i'm seeing someone new. we were spending time together for about 5 months before we started dating, and we've been dating about a month now. we have a lot of sex, and well, i got a urinary tract infection. for anyone who has had one (both men and women can get them, although they are more common in women), you know how miserable they are. i'm pretty sure it was due to the amount of sex and the way we have sex, positions, etc. i've done lots of research and have been doing all the things suggested to prevent/avoid a uti. this guy is really sweet to me, does a lot to show he cares about me, little things during the day, makes a lot of time for me, took care of me when i was sick, is supportive, listens, etc. etc. but he has a really high sex drive and feels rejected when i'm not up for sex, even if it's due to something like a urinary tract infection or something else that's out of my control. like i said, we already have a lot of sex, once or twice a day when we're together, so it's not like he's hurting for it. he knew i had a uti and that it was really uncomfortable and that sex makes it worse. last night when we were going to sleep he told me he wanted to have sex, i explained (again) that it wasn't a good idea and would feel bad for me given the circumstances. he said ok, but in the morning started touching me and then was on top of me and having sex with me. i kind of just went with it - it wasn't feeling terribly bad although i avoided the positions that seem to aggravate the most. i wanted to satisfy him, but started to become angry because he knows how miserable it is, knows that sex makes it worse, and still can't just leave it alone for a couple days. it kind of freaks me out because i feel like i'm trying to meet his sexual needs, but i can't always be available to him, whether it is because of physical discomfort or i'm just freaking exhausted or whatever. it's not like i went on for days saying i had this infection and not doing about it or anything... it was just one night that i hadn't been to the doc yet because of the holiday! i did talk to him about it, and he was nice about it, but this isn't the first time something like this has happened and i'm worried it is going to be a problem. if it was him who was having some physical issue, i'd wait for him to tell me it was better or whatever. how would you feel about this?
dropdeadlegs Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 UTI - OUCH! I only had one once but I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy! My advice would be to be firm in saying no and see how he reacts. He won't die from abstaining for a week and if he thinks he will you could substitute oral sex or even a good old fashioned hand job. Other than that, take care of yourself as best as you can to avoid another UTI in the future!
Author mattea Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 He won't die from abstaining for a week and if he thinks he will you could substitute oral sex or even a good old fashioned hand job. thanks for the empathy hah, yeah. i know there are alternatives it's just that if i start doing those things to get him off, i'm going to get all seriously turned on and then get whatever the equivalent is of "blue-balled" myself. not that i want/mean to do that to him, but that's why i'm tyring to avoid by not fooling around at all! i'm not doing anything to entice him other than being around. and if it went on too long (more than a few days), i'd do him the "favors" you mention. i don't want to be selish, i just think needing it every day, even when your partner is sick or whatever, is a bit much!
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It IS a bit unfair for you, especially since you're in pain. He should understand, but that drive can take control. I agree with being firm in saying no, because he needs to know that you have needs that have to be met as well. You said you talked to him about it. What was said, and what has it been like since then? PeterJames
doiask42much Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I used to get frequent UTIs and my bf was the same way. Not so much the feeling rejected per se but not taking no for an answer. He's always kind of like that, no matter what is going on with me. I generally went along with it even though I was told by the doctor to lay off it and I didn't find it made it noticeably worse, but by then I was usually on antibiotics and/or drinking tons of cranberry juice/taking cranberry pills, drinking lots of water, etc. I was mildly miffed that he wasn't too concerned about my well-being but then I guess I got over it because I didn't notice it getting any worse because of it (as long as there was no cunnilingus). Finally my body somehow adapted to his bacteria or whatever it is and I no longer get them anymore. I hope the same will happen for you? I find they happen most often with new partners. But if having sex is making it noticeably worse for you and he knows this but still doesn't care, then yes, I would be upset if I were you and I would question his feelings for you. Why would you want to hurt someone you care about, horny or not? It sounds like you're being reasonably accommodating in trying to satisfy him. He should do his part to meet your needs.
norajane Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 He sounds immature and completely clueless about the pain you're in. Suggest that he dip his dick in some hot sauce and then see if he'd feel like having sex. He wouldn't? Then why should he expect you to have sex with a UTI?
chill chic Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 puhlease...what an a**, sorry to be blunt, but honestly, if he doesn't respect the fact that you could end up getting a kidney transplant, then you need to get rid of his a** and tell him to take a damn shower..again, sorry to be blunt, but it isn't worth your pain.
PeterJames Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 He sounds immature and completely clueless about the pain you're in. Suggest that he dip his dick in some hot sauce and then see if he'd feel like having sex. He wouldn't? Then why should he expect you to have sex with a UTI? I like the way you think. Even though that was a painful thought. But you got the point across. He just doesn't have a clue what you're going through.
Krytellan Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Who are these men that have no respect for the fact that you are ill and in pain? Sounds to me like there is a rash of women who need to find real men.
Hitman10000 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Yeah if my girl had that problem I would not do anything for a month. But only a month. After about a month I will start looking.
daphne Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 matt, I've been there. Is your guy an aries too? My ex would appear to be understanding, until about the second time I had to say no due to a UTI. I'm pretty familiar with how to avoid them, and he wouldn't listen. So I'd get one and then I'd have to abstain for about a week and he eventually started to make me feel bad. That was teh beginning of the end. Your guy is simply selfish. It's a red flag. If you're ok giving into him just because he wants something and is unconcerned for your well being, god love you. I'd rather be single the rest of my life than deal with that brand of nonsense.
chill chic Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 thanks for the empathy hah, yeah. i know there are alternatives it's just that if i start doing those things to get him off, i'm going to get all seriously turned on and then get whatever the equivalent is of "blue-balled" myself. not that i want/mean to do that to him, but that's why i'm tyring to avoid by not fooling around at all! i'm not doing anything to entice him other than being around. and if it went on too long (more than a few days), i'd do him the "favors" you mention. i don't want to be selish, i just think needing it every day, even when your partner is sick or whatever, is a bit much! ummm...how should I say this...sex isn't everything? lemme guess you're young and you just lost your virginity...because who does favors anymore?
Bree Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Make him go to the doctor. I know your problem is him not leaving you alone. But he needs to go. I had my first uti about a month ago it was awful!! So we didn't have sex for a week. And the next week he was rushed to the hospital from work, coughing up blood! They ran all kinds of tests and found out he had a uti! So in other words we would have just kept passing it back and forth. Because i realized something was wrong because after my week of getting better as soon as we had sex the burning came back. So i just wanted you to be aware of that. good luck
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