I told my bf I fantasized about other men... guy input?

[I love hot men.]

You Wrote: "I told him I don't feel he desires me and that I have started fantasizing about men who do want me... and that "I couldn't seem to see his face in that fantasy anymore".

 

He Read: "I'm going to have sex with other guys if you don't give me what I want."

 

Well, he was not addressing the fact that he wasn't having sex with her anymore. If it were a guy who was upset because his girlfriend denied him sex continually, you'd be all sorry for him and say "dump her."

Plus, he had already broken up with her anyway.

In addition, he fantasizes daily with porn while not wanting sex with his own girlfriend, why is she not aloud to fanatasize about men?

Double standards, anyone?

Her exboyfriend's an ass, that's all there is to it.

[Sevenmack]

Dear Walk:

 

1) Fantasizing about other men isn't wrong. It's reality. We don't fantasize about our current lovers, for the most part, because we can actually have sex with them. We fantasize about those who are unattainable (porn actresses), those who we once attained (exes) and those who we would attain if we were less than faithful to our lovers (the gal Laura, who lives next door to my flat).

 

It's not a bad thing at all.

 

2) But telling your boyfriend that in order to hurt him -- and that's exactly what you did -- is wrong. Don't say what you can't take back unless you're willing to stand by it and deal with the damage. Or as they say, think before you speak. If you calmed down before you mentioned this, you would have realized that such a statement wasn't going to make things better.

 

3) Your boyfriend, from everything I've read from you over the past year, has some real issue. This relationship has some real issues that can't be overcome. Maybe it's time to stop trying to fix it and just plain ditch it.

[Walk]

1.) Fantasizing about other men isn't wrong. It's reality.

 

2) But telling your boyfriend that in order to hurt him -- and that's exactly what you did -- is wrong. Don't say what you can't take back unless you're willing to stand by it and deal with the damage.

 

I stand by what I said.

[spookie]

Are you ever going to leave him, Walk? What would need to happen for you to finally say enough is enough?

 

If I remember correctly, the two of you brok eup sometime in June, at which point you decided to put the relationship on probation. If certain problems weren't fixed in a certain time period, you would leave.

 

Isn't it apparent, yet, that your boyfriend is too blind to his own issues/ immature/ unwilling to compromise in such a way that would allow you to be happy?

 

I know you probably think that since he doesn't do anything HUGE to jeopardize the relationship (cheating, stealing, beating, etc) he must be a good, loving guy and that everything else can be "smoothed over", as you say (I don't know why else you would stay with him), but Walk, no matter how happy he make you when things are going well, the two of you consistently run into the same problems and he is completely unwilling to sympathize with your point of view.

 

What chunk of the relationship have things been this way? Can you really see them getting better? Do you want to live your life like this?

 

Do you realize that if you leave him now, you will eventually find a man who will love you, be able to show it, be willing to compromise to make you happy, and will desire you?

 

Don't you want that?

 

What are you waiting for?

[extra-ordinary_guy]

Hey Walk, I am that guy. Possibly, like me, your boyfriend has several personal issues which need resolving, and is so caught up in himself that he takes you for granted. YOUR problems are only important to him insofar as they cause HIM problems.

It could be that he has stopped having sex with you because he's depressed or at the very least extremely unhappy. This unhappiness is more than likely with his own failings and inadequacies and his general failure to sort himself out. As the closest person to him he is now taking this frustration out on you. What is your guy's situation in life? I'm not making excuses for him - this behaviour will seriously damage you, and you must seriously question why you would be willing to stay with someone like that. The only answer I can see to that is that he has already got you feeling as bad about yourself as he does about himself. His behavior will ultimately poison you. Leave now.

[Walk]

I drew me up a list O' reasons why I'm heading the hell outta here. I already checked into some apartments... calling tomorrow to find out if units are available this week/next.

 

Aug 1, 2005:

He tells me he isn't aroused by me anymore. Not that I wasn't attractive, but his desire to want to have sex with me is gone. His reasons: not enough variation, I wasn't arousing him right.

 

Aug 3, 2005: (2 whole days later) he tells me if our problems aren't worked out soon (with sex) he's going to be forced to look for sex else where.

 

Nov 1-3?, 2005:

He said, lack of sex is getting to the point that he wouldn't be able to control his sexual urges and would have to look other places to get it. (all the while shooting me down while I'm jumping through hoops to get him to want me) he tells me the comment was meant as a "wake up call".

 

Nov 6, 2005:

I felt insecure because of the comment above, and he instantly got pissed and said I was trying to sabatoge the relationship.

 

Nov 20: he's mad at me 'cause he visited his family.

 

Dec 29-31, 2005: He was pissed at me for playing with the cat for 2 minutes while he was talking, after he'd cut me off several times earlier when I tried talking about my day. He got pissed, stormed out, and refused to speak to me the rest of the day.

 

Dec 31-Jan 19: Still pissed at me for playing with the cat.

He called me a "Head case" and "selfish" (for playing with the cat?)

 

Jan 8, 2006: Still telling me there's no "resolution" to the cat thing and he's "apathetic" towards sex.

Also says "throw out 90% of everything he said in the bedroom" because it was said in the heat of the moment, and doesn't apply to the relationship. (he'd said he wanted to grow old with me. Was the only time he ever complimented me.)

 

Jan 9, 2006: Said he was tired of arguing and said "When can you move out?"

Accused me of stealing the mail and hiding the bills.

Said he didn't want me cooking because I might poison the food

Got mad at me for packing my bags instead of working on fixing things.

 

Jan 23-25, 2006: Got pissed cause I had wanted to vent about something. He lectured for 3 hours about how I was being "ignorant and naive". I later apologized, and it pissed him off I wasted his time by not apologizing earlier.

Said my only real strength is in the bedroom.

Demanded I make "amends" for getting upset with him for lecturing me.

 

Feb 2, 2006: Bought me a pre-paid phone and shut off my phone without telling me. Got mad I made a joke about the two way feature always going off.

When he gave me the phone he said, "This way you'll have a phone if we break up".

 

Feb 18, 2006: Still fighting about the phone.

Insisted he is the way he is, and he wasn't going to change, and said "If you don't like it, there's the door".

 

May 3-5, 2006: pissed off that I opened the door for him.

 

May 15-16, 2006: I stated I sometimes I didn't feel I could talk to him about what was going on in my head because he'd get upset.

He got upset and broke up with me.

 

June 22-26, 2006: He was pissed I didn't come while being intimate.

 

Aug 12-17, 2006: Asked him to go to my bday party with me, and hung out with his friend all day instead. Then got pissed I wasn't receptive to a sexual advance that night.

 

Dec 22, 2006: Pissed I didn't give him a list for xmas even after we'd agreed no lists, only one small gift.

 

Jan 7-8, 2007: Got pissed at me because I said I was hurt that he didn't want to go with me to my parents.

 

Feb 14 2007 (Valentines day) We'd agreed to go shopping together for a household item as "Our" gift to each other. He went with his brother and came home with a pan.

 

Feb 19-22, 2007: Pissed I didn't "ASK" if I could help with the dishes.

 

March 30 - April 5, 2007: Pissed I didn't "ASK" for a ride to class.

 

May 20-?? (30th?) 2007: Believed I wanted to stab him, kill him, when I asked why people didn't get mad when he was so negative about their dreams. (I'm no longer allowed to hang out with his friends.)

 

July 5 to still going 2007: Pissed I said I feel undesired and unloved. Broke up with me. Pissed I packed my stuff and he said I was sabatoging reconcilation.

 

Anyway.. I rented a storage unit saturday, and my stuff is securely stowed there. Which isn't much. You can't even notice my stuff is gone. Found one apartment complex I thought would be perfect, but found out its a really high crime area, so I'm gonna call on some different places tomorrow. (thought the other was perfect rent/location wise.. but the reviews on the web were saying lots of break-in's, drug dealing..etc.)

 

Half tempted to leave him the same list I just wrote out... Half really really sad and not wanting to leave. Screwed up, I know...

[Lauriebell82]

Impressive list Walk. Congrats on attempting to move on with your life. Its good that you are trying to find another apartment. This guy has giving you this crap for the past 2 years. You deserve to find a guy who will love you and appreciate you. Keep up the good work, stay strong! I know it's difficult, esp. since you've been with him for so long, but you are better off without him!

[spookie]

Walk...I really hope you go through with leaving this time. I hope you've really made up your mind that it's over and that you're not just using this as some kind of bargaining tool to get him to say or do what you want or a way to jumpstart his change. I hope you've logically processed the relationship enough to understand that no matter what he might promise you now, your pattern with him will be the same.

 

You can't win with him, because he's already made up his mind to be unhappy and to blame it on you. He sounds slightly sick in the head, and that's not your fault.

 

It's going to be really lonely at first, and of course you will miss him. It sounds like you put your heart and soul into this relationship, often compromsing yourself to make it work, and when you finally break free you might feel like you're incomplete, but you have to be strong. You'll have to look inside yourself to fill that void. You'll have to believe in your decision, which should be easy if you listen to your head.

 

Don't let fear and loneliness rule you, dictating your decisions.

[norajane]

Walk, I'm so proud of you!!

 

You'll be fine - more than fine. You'll be great as soon as you get this guy out of your system. You will.

[T-town]

u guys didn't go more than a month in 2 years without some stupid fight...that pattern cant be broken...time to go. I wouldn't even bother giving him the letter all that matters is you know why ur leaving.