I told my bf I fantasized about other men... guy input?

[Walk]

I tried talking to my bf about how hurt I was that he didn't seem to want to make time for me, and seemd to have no sexual desire for me. He got mad.. then broke up with me. Couple hours later I find a 4 page letter he wrote stating all the things he's done to make me happy and how hurt he is that I would accuse him of being an ass. And then says I can stay until I find a place to live.

 

I write back (different shifts, don't see each other). Explain I appreciate what he's done. Attempt to explain that I don't feel he desires me, and each time I've tried to talk to him about it he lists the things I don't do to arouse him. I explained that I wanted him to occasionally find me sexy and hot just 'cause I'm "me". I told him I don't feel he desires me and it makes me feel ugly, disgusting, etc... that it is affecting me so badly that I have started fantasizing about men who do want me... and that "I couldn't seem to see his face in that fantasy anymore". Tried explaining that I didn't want to, that I wanted him to be center of my fantasies. How much I want him to want me, but I can't pretend there isn't a serious problem anymore.

 

Next I hear, he feels I "mind ****ed" him by telling him I fantasize about other men. The whole rest of the argument isn't even on the radar anymore... its all about how hurt he is by my fantasy comment, especially that I can't see his face in that fantasy.

 

So now.. I feel horrible. I feel like a rotten human being. I honestly didn't think he'd even blink an eye at it when i wrote it. He talks about strip clubs, he masturbates to porn, he's told me in the past that its normal to fantasize about other men. It wasn't normal for me and this is why it concerned me so much. I wanted him to understand that I wasn't whinning about feeling undesired just to whine, but that I consider this a huge problem.. but now it seems the only "problem" is that he's hurt, and I caused it.

[Lauriebell82]

Sorry I'm not a guy Walk but I know what you are going through. When I started having problems with my ex bf I began having dreams about having sex with my really good guy friend. I never told my bf about it, but I felt guilty and at that point I knew something was seriously wrong. After that, the relationship started to fall apart.

 

I'm not sure if telling your bf that you fantasize about other men was the best idea. Not saying that to be mean, but I think I would be completely crushed if my boyfriend ever told me he fantasized about other women whether we are having problems or not.

 

Do you want him back? You could try talking to him, and I honestly I don't think your a horrible person. I really just don't think your relationship is going to work out if you are thinking about other guys. I know that I dont think about anyone other than my bf ever.

 

What kinds of things does your bf say you are doing that make him not desire you?

[Cobra_X30]

Shoot... this guy is kind of a douchebag. At the same time he is kind of doing the right thing. You two really need to sit down and have a chat about your desires. First, is there a chance he is addicted to the porn? Second, when you said you fantasize about other men... he may be assuming that you have some guys in particular you are interested in.

 

Straight up, I doubt you are either ugly or undesireable.

[Hitman10000]

Feeling vengeful cause your soon to be exboyfriend don't think of you much huh? Well if I was that boyfriend, I would've taken that paper and told you "Okay, this is the last moment I will see you and do not want to romantically get involved with you anymore, good luck good bye" I hope the dude leaves.

[Walk]

Do you want him back? You could try talking to him, and I honestly I don't think your a horrible person. I really just don't think your relationship is going to work out if you are thinking about other guys.

I feel bad just saying this... but if he expects me to sooth his damaged ego at this point... I don't think I've got it in me. I tell him I feel unloved and unwanted, and his response is to break up with me. Now he's talking like he's been trying to work out this problem, and I'm the one who's getting angry and creating a bigger mess. But he's never once said he didn't want to break up, or ask me not to leave.. he just asks assinine questions like "Why is all your stuff in your car?", or "were you planning on going somewhere?" As though he never broke up with me, and I'm "abandoning" him.

 

I tried talking to him about what I meant.. its not like I have other guys in mind when fantasizing.. its more the idea, or concept, of someone who shows they find me a turn on. But ever time I try to picture him in that context... its depressing. He said that's what really hurts, that I can't picture him in my fantasies.

[Lauriebell82]

Feeling vengeful cause your soon to be exboyfriend don't think of you much huh? Well if I was that boyfriend, I would've taken that paper and told you "Okay, this is the last moment I will see you and do not want to romantically get involved with you anymore, good luck good bye" I hope the dude leaves.

 

well that was a little harsh..yeah she probably shouldn't have told her bf that she fantasizes about other men..but I think their relationship was pretty much over so now all Walk can do is move on.

[Walk]

Feeling vengeful cause your soon to be exboyfriend don't think of you much huh? Well if I was that boyfriend, I would've taken that paper and told you "Okay, this is the last moment I will see you and do not want to romantically get involved with you anymore, good luck good bye" I hope the dude leaves.

 

If you were my soon to be ex boyfriend, I'd douche with bleech.

 

Vengence isn't my gig. Might be yours... but whatever. I honestly don't understand how a guy who watches porn can be upset that his woman said she fantasies about other guys while masturbating alone. Seems rather hypocritical to me. Don't make orgasmic faces while staring at some other chicks breasts and then act as if your **** don't stink. That's bogus man.

[Lauriebell82]

If you were my soon to be ex boyfriend, I'd douche with bleech.

 

Vengence isn't my gig. Might be yours... but whatever. I honestly don't understand how a guy who watches porn can be upset that his woman said she fantasies about other guys while masturbating alone. Seems rather hypocritical to me. Don't make orgasmic faces while staring at some other chicks breasts and then act as if your **** don't stink. That's bogus man.

 

Well the thing about masturbation and porn and stuff...guys think that girls dont take that personally because its just actresses in the movie and its not reality so they dont think we really should care. Actually some girls even think its cool and they watch porn together..or make their own!

 

But fantasizing about other men is reality..i know it doesnt seem like it is, but in a guy's brain it's a total betrayal and they automatically think your going to cheat on them or are thinking about other guys. But for some reason porn stars aren't other girls they are just fictional.

 

Anyway, I think that you should really just let it go, your bf sounds like an idiot and I think you could do better. Do you have any friends you could stay with until you find your own place. I highly doubt you still living together even though your broken up is a good idea. My friend did that once and she told me she was in hell!

[norajane]

Walk, you've been fighting a losing battle with this guy for a long time. It feels really good when you stop beating your head against the wall.

 

I know you want this guy for some reason, but really, do yourself a favor...

 

What you are fantasizing about is not specific other men who physically turn you on. You are fantasizing about feeling loved and wanted and desired. Your bf will never get it through his head that there's a difference, and he's not going to understand because he is too wrapped up in himself to see the point you are trying to make.

 

Why are you so opposed to starting fresh with a man who won't always blame you for every problem in the relationship, who won't always turn it around on you and make you the bad guy, who will look forward to seeing you and being with you and making you feel like his sex goddess?

[Enema]

You Wrote: "I told him I don't feel he desires me and that I have started fantasizing about men who do want me... and that "I couldn't seem to see his face in that fantasy anymore".

 

He Read: "I'm going to have sex with other guys if you don't give me what I want."

[spookie]

Walk, I've been on LS for more than a year (under a different name). You offer such wonderful advice and judging by your replies to OTHER people, you are an intelligent, caring, reasonable woman. I have no doubt that you are attractive, as well.

 

And then there are your own threads. Have you ever gone back and read through them? I have no idea what you see in your blame-dodging, overly-sensitive, often-times inconsiderate and asexual boyfriend, but even if we assume that he does have good things, it is SO obvious that neither of you are happy, nor have been for any long stretches of time in a while.

 

Why do you stay? You have been "working" on this relationship for how long? Almost the whole time you've been togheter, it seems. And has anything changed?

 

What advice would you give to someone reading your posts? You would probably tell them to cut their losses, that sometimes it just doesn't work, that you can't fix a broken person. Something alone those lines. Maybe you would tell them that they deserve better, that they deserve a partner who capable of taking blame where it is due, committed enough not to run at the slightest hint of trouble, and maybe a satisfying love life to boot.

 

Don't you want those things? Don't you realize by now that your entire relationship with this guy revolves around trying to find something that isn't there?

 

You can do so much better, Walk, and the sooner you leave, the faster you will be on your way to finding what it is you want (and will NEVER get from this guy), the less baggage you will be taking along.

 

Leave. Do so for longer than 12 hours. Give it some space. I think once you stop beating your head against a wall, as NJ said, you really will realize it feels good.

[PeterJames]

I feel bad just saying this... but if he expects me to sooth his damaged ego at this point... I don't think I've got it in me. I tell him I feel unloved and unwanted, and his response is to break up with me. Now he's talking like he's been trying to work out this problem, and I'm the one who's getting angry and creating a bigger mess. But he's never once said he didn't want to break up, or ask me not to leave.. he just asks assinine questions like "Why is all your stuff in your car?", or "were you planning on going somewhere?" As though he never broke up with me, and I'm "abandoning" him.

 

I tried talking to him about what I meant.. its not like I have other guys in mind when fantasizing.. its more the idea, or concept, of someone who shows they find me a turn on. But ever time I try to picture him in that context... its depressing. He said that's what really hurts, that I can't picture him in my fantasies.

 

In my opinion, he sounds too needy. Strike one. If you want him to change, and he wants you to change, there's a problem. Ask yourself if he's worth the effort. I think it was a mistake on his part by breaking up with you right off the bat. He didn't even give you a chance. Strike two. And you know, I bet it's normal for someone to fantasize in that situation, because there's no other way. He wont give you those emotions, and that's a problem. When he wrote that letter about all the things he's done for you to make you happy, he should've realized that none of those matter, because you weren't happy. He was trying to make you feel guilty.

Strike three.

[Hugh_950]

I wanted him to understand that I wasn't whinning about feeling undesired just to whine, but that I consider this a huge problem.. but now it seems the only "problem" is that he's hurt, and I caused it.

 

So what you're saying is that he managed to blow-off your pain by making HIS pain take the higher priority.

 

It's a narcissistic trick that some men ... and some women play when thier partner brings up a pain that needs attention.

 

That may be what will ALWAYS happen when you try to talk about any of your serious pains. He'll find a way to turn it back on you.

 

 

But please let me ask a question that might hurt you feelings. Have you let yourself go ... not what you used to be? Is it possible that could be a part of the problem?

[electric_sheep]

When I got home from work last night, I found my girlfriend masturbating to some girl who has a cooking show. Isn't that hilarious?

 

Anyway, there are many dimensions to this...

 

In general, telling your boyfriend something like this is probably not the best idea, particularly if the relationship is fairly new, and you guys are still kind of insecure about everything. Also, if you guys are still in the seriously "in love" phase, and have yet to graduate to the more "practical" phase, this would be a tremendous punch to the stomach.

 

I know this from first hand experience. When I first started dating my g/f she was MUCH more practical than me, and she would occationally drop comments about how hot this or that guy was. She used to tell me about her dreams too, and previous boyfriends were constantly popping up in them. I found it to be a huge blow and a real romance deflater.

 

In your case though, considering he looks at porn and goes to strip clubs, you really shouldn't feel the slightest bit bad about this. He is being really hypocritical. It's not like he is the paragon of romance or anything. Essentially he is just getting a little dose of his own medicine.

 

When my girlfriend said similiar things to me, it was different, because I was deleriously in love with her. She was the only person I had eyes for, or at least that is what I made her believe, and it was more or less true at the time. Eventually my own romantic "expectations" got reduced and more in line with hers.

 

It was at that point that I resummed masturbating to porn. I don't go to strip clubs but I wouldn't be opposed to it. Now we are both just really open. I check other girls out all the time. I'm a typical unromantic guy, and she is an atypical unromantic girl. In a way it's too bad, because there are lots of girls out there that really crave romance, yet the number of romantic guys is far less.

 

-------

 

As for his feelings, let him have them. It's an ego and pride thing. He'll get over it (probably).

 

Never underestimate the male ego when it comes to things like sex.

 

I know all about this too, from first hand experience. It almost caused me to break up with my current girlfriend.

 

I think women have no choice but to be somewhat forgiving and understanding when it comes to this though, because I'm convinced it has to be caused by strong genetics and evolution. That is the only way to explain how I can be so humble and reasonable in most regards, but be utterly irrational and downright psychotic when it comes to my ego and sex.

[FormerNiceGuy]

A Guy's Perspective

 

 

 

 

 

My personal opinion is this.

 

It's obvious from the things you've written that this relationship is dwindling. He's lost interest.

 

And the thing is..with relationships...once the interest drops..it kind of goes that way. It doesn't happen like the movies where you're able to magically able to get that interest back.

 

Stop trying to change for him. You are special. You are you. You don't change who you are just because a guy has lost interest in you. If he doesn't want you for who you are, leave him.

 

And as I said before, it doesn't happen like the movies. Once the interest drops, it doesn't magically spark and begin again. No, this is real life. A relationship where one partner is significantly losing interest...leads to a relationship where one person is putting more into the relationship. And that's problematic. Becuase ..a right relationship is one in where BOTH are putting EQUAL amounts of effort into the relationship.

 

Do you feel like YOU are the one who cares more about the relationship?

 

Do you feel like YOU are the one who is putting more effort into it?

 

 

the truth is this...this guy is a guy...and he acts like a normal guy. that's what most normal guys do....BUT....the interest is dwindling....and I live by this line below.

 

Never keep someone who doesn't want to keep you.

[Walk]

It's obvious from the things you've written that this relationship is dwindling. He's lost interest.

 

And the thing is..with relationships...once the interest drops..it kind of goes that way.

 

That's what I tried explaining to him that I saw. That the interest was nose diving. He denies it. Don't know if its because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, or doesn't feel it's true, or what. But he's never been one to "hold back" from saying something even if he knew for a fact it would crush me.

[Walk]

So what you're saying is that he managed to blow-off your pain by making HIS pain take the higher priority.

 

It's a narcissistic trick that some men ... and some women play when thier partner brings up a pain that needs attention.

 

But please let me ask a question that might hurt you feelings. Have you let yourself go ... not what you used to be? Is it possible that could be a part of the problem?

 

Yeah.. that's how I feel. He even asked me how I could compare my pain to his, and how we both knew who had the bigger problem. (meaning him).

 

I'm not offended, I haven't let myself go. 118lbs when I weighed myself yesterday.

 

However, he's gained a lot of weight since we started dating. He used to be so incredibly hot. Built, with a six pack of abs, and these huge biceps that were bigger around then both my thighs.

[Walk]

Why are you so opposed to starting fresh with a man who won't always ...

 

Idk... I know what you're saying is the truth Norajane. I believe every word you've written. I respect and admire you for your intellect and wisdom. But the harder I try to convince myself I'm being an idiot, the more confused and depressed I feel.

 

And I have absolutely no faith that any man will be any different.

 

I don't want to contemplate "future men". I'm going to get a dog and take up back-backing/hiking on weekends.

 

I don't even care if we're over, but I don't want this to affect his future relationships. I do love him, and I want him to be happy. And if what I said causes him to not trust women again, then he won't have a chance at a good relationship later. If he's not happy with me, then I want him to be happy with someone else. What if I scarred him too deeply with this that he can't? Can I make it so that doesn't happen?

[Touche]

Oh geeezzzz. Puhleeze! If you have that much power that you've scarred him so deeply that he can't ever be happy with another woman then you're some kind of wonderwoman superhero or something. That's ridiculous Walk.

 

Gosh, it's frustrating to read your posts for me. I know EXACTLY how my mother (and other family) now feels when I hung on (and foolishly married) a guy who sounds much like yours, for nine damn years.

 

And big newsflash but no, not all guys are hard to please. Not all guys make you feel like you're less than a woman. Just the bad ones.

 

Hope you leave him so that you can actually find that out one day for yourself. That's about all I have to say about this. I've said it all before. You are me from the age of 24 until 33. (How old are you anyway? Aren't you old enough to know better than this by now?)

[Walk]

Oh geeezzzz. Puhleeze! If you have that much power that you've scarred him so deeply that he can't ever be happy with another woman then you're some kind of wonderwoman superhero or something. That's ridiculous Walk.

 

Good point Touche. Good point.

[norajane]

Walk, he was messed up long before he met you, and he'll continue to be messed up long after you leave him. It's who he is. And unless he goes to therapy for a good long time, he'll continue to blame everyone else for his problems and never look to himself as the reason he can't have a normal relationship with anyone.

[Walk]

Why is it so hard to do? People break up for so much less than what I'm unhappy about. I see them do it all the time, on here, in real life. I feel like I'm chained here by my own feelings. How stupid is that?

 

I told him I was leaving tonight. I rented a storage unit yesterday, and moved my stuff while he was sleeping today. I rehearsed how I would act, and what I would say to end things. I'd decided to do it in person as that would be the most honorable thing to do. Before he left, I told him I was leaving. He doesn't want me to. He doesn't believe me. I don't believe me.

 

Can someone push me over the edge? I need to let go. I keep repeating "happiness is valuable" over and over in my head, but then I think about how happy "we" are when things are good, and I so desperately want that. It'd be so easy to smooth everything over, and all the tension and arguing would slide away for a couple weeks. Or I can leave and be in hell for the next 6 months. I read the break up forum. Those aren't people screaming "I'm so happy its over". They're some heart-sick, unhappy, depressed people who have been living in hell for weeks, months, years....

 

It be easier if he were just an ass..

 

And then I find myself rationalizing, justifying why I should stay. That its "fixable". He said he knew he had been an ass, that he let me down, that he was sorry for the things he had done. That he wanted to see me happy, and does love me and believes I'll go far in life. He knows he doesn't give the affection and support he should give, and has a hard time with. He wants to be that person for me.

 

but yesterday I asked him to have dinner with me... went to restaurant and (i felt) he was overly friendly with the waitress.. to the point that in the course of the "joke", the waitress tells him she "licked the creamy sauce off" his sandwhich. I felt like it was an act on his part, to try to make me jealous. but maybe not. He asked why I was still here... I expressed appreciation for him, belief that he was a good man, understanding that I've done things that have hurt him, and a desire to grow and learn with him. Later that night, I ask him the same question... why is he still here? He says he started dating me because I had "potential", and he had been happy with who he was before he started dating me... but now, he was tired of feeling like the bad guy. Tired of losing sleep over feeling like an ass. Then today he asks me why I packed my stuff. That if I really wanted this relationship, then I wouldn't have. That he felt it showed I didn't care about him. Basically, that I was the one who sabatoged reconcillation by packing.

 

I wish I could beat some sense into me.

 

I went to a fourth of july party with my brother wednesday (?). I was so scared to talk to people. Anything I say is wrong. How I act is wrong, how I think, what I say. And the one person I talked to for more then a "Hi, how are you", told me I look like a crack addict. My confidence shattered, and I bolted...

 

I'm really tired of being me.

[johan]

Walk,

 

I think you've been doing the right thing all along, and you're doing the right thing now.

 

You hung in there and let the relationship take its course. And when you go, you'll know that you did everything you could. And that you got all he had to offer. And even with those things, it was a relationship that couldn't last. That happens.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Just try to look forward and stay optimistic. I wish you and him both the best.

[Brioli]

Idk... I know what you're saying is the truth Norajane. I believe every word you've written. I respect and admire you for your intellect and wisdom. But the harder I try to convince myself I'm being an idiot, the more confused and depressed I feel.

 

And I have absolutely no faith that any man will be any different.

 

I don't want to contemplate "future men". I'm going to get a dog and take up back-backing/hiking on weekends.

 

I don't even care if we're over, but I don't want this to affect his future relationships. I do love him, and I want him to be happy. And if what I said causes him to not trust women again, then he won't have a chance at a good relationship later. If he's not happy with me, then I want him to be happy with someone else. What if I scarred him too deeply with this that he can't? Can I make it so that doesn't happen?

 

 

sweetie....the last paragraph you wrote here really worries me. Do you not realize that you are not responsible for him and his emotions, he is? If he causes the pain he feels to damage his future relationships, that is on him.

 

I also have to say hunni that this man sounds manipulative to the point of being emotionally abusive.

 

You go to him with a problem, and he should be willing to work on this problem for the relationships sake. What does he do? He makes you feel bad for having a problem!

 

As a women who has been in these type relationships...I have discovered that all men are not like this. How old are you guys?

 

Either way, you need to get out before you are so torn down that you end up...god only knows what.

 

Get out sweetie for your own good It's hard, but time heals all pain and you will love again. When you go too...have NO CONTACT...very important, because if you have contact you will prolong the recovery process trust me.

 

huggs,

*Bri

[norajane]

Can someone push me over the edge? I need to let go. I keep repeating "happiness is valuable" over and over in my head, but then I think about how happy "we" are when things are good, and I so desperately want that.

 

And how often is it that things are good, compared to when things are bad? And when they're good, are they soooooo good, that it overshadows the bad - or is it really the other way around?

 

It'd be so easy to smooth everything over, and all the tension and arguing would slide away for a couple weeks.

 

Smoothing things over requires you swallowing all the bitter pills he sends your way. How is that good for you? If you always have to give so that the arguing ends for a couple weeks (only a couple weeks?!), what exactly is so good about that? Do you even realize that compatible couples actually don't argue every couple of weeks?

 

Or I can leave and be in hell for the next 6 months. I read the break up forum. Those aren't people screaming "I'm so happy its over". They're some heart-sick, unhappy, depressed people who have been living in hell for weeks, months, years....

 

Well, that's because the ones who do get over it and are happy don't come back here to post...they've moved on and found their happiness on their own, and many have met others to enjoy life with instead of battling with the one they're with.

 

It be easier if he were just an ass..

 

Forgive me for saying so, but he is an ass.

 

Keep in mind that even the worst ass has his good days and isn't an ass every single minute of every day.

 

You deserve a lot better than this guy, he is not the only man in the world. One day, you'll be thrilled that you finally got on with your own life and left him behind. You'll wonder why the hell you stayed as long as you did.

 

And by the way, if you look like a crack addict, HE MADE YOU LOOK THAT WAY with all the anguish and stress he puts you through. AND, he seems to have effectively demolished your confidence. Think back to the woman you were before you started dating him...recognize her? How have you changed during this relationship? Do you feel better or worse about yourself and your life now?