outblog Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Hi, guys This is my first post here. just registered minutes ago to post. I've been reading some posts here but still a newbie for sure. Here's my situation: I was an adjunct instructor in a university this past semester teaching a grad class. Half way into the it i developed strong feelings for a girl in class. I didn't show or do anything during the semester so there wasn't much interaction with her other than class discussions or office hours, which are typical student-instructor type. After turned in the grade (also my appointment was over), i sent her a (light-hearted) greeting email. She replied in about 5 days with a short email telling me her summer plans. I replied right away with a longer email and this time she replied after 2 weeks (she was traveling to other state and then to Europe then). I wrote back again after one week(my 3rd email), but this time she didn't reply. I got uneasy waiting her 3rd reply, but it never come. So after about half month i sent her my 4th email asking for coffee together and her number. It's been a week so far no response from her yet. So I have 2 questions (actually 3) hope to hear your opinion: Question 1: Is there still hope - should I continue contacting her, if so what's the best way to go? Question 2: Did I do something wrong with my approach so far? This girl is the best crush I have in years so i would really appreciate it if your guys could help me on this! Also i am attaching some of the email correspondence here. Sorry for the long read. Email #1 (my initial greeting email, J is her, outblog is me): Hello J, How are you? Hope this email find you enjoy your break. This is a greeting from you previous instructor (not any more :-). Are you a little bit surprised to receive my email? Actually I wanted to write to you much earlier. You know, it’s always pleasant to see you and talk to you, although we never really chatted outside the class. Now that the semester is over, I just want to send you an email and say hello to you. Anyhow, the summer is here. You must have exciting plans for it. Hope you enjoy every moment of it. And when you have time, don’t forget to shoot me an email and let me know how you are doing. All the best - outblog Email #2 (her reply, i deleted some names): Hello, I certainly am glad the summer is here. It was a long semester and I am glad it is over. What do you plan on doing this summer? This weekend I am going to **** to rock climb. I am very excited. I think it will be fun. Then I will be home for a few days and I am going to **** for our studio. We are going to ****. I am also looking forward to that trip, although it will be more academic than this weekend! Other than those things I will be climbing a lot and bike racing becasue those are my two favorite things to do. -J Email #3 (my 2nd email, a little bit long, omitted here) Email #4 (her reply to my 2nd email): I am sure you will have a fine summer. often i find things to do right around **** and it proves to be some wonderful times. i had an excellent time in ****. the climbing was super cool. i did so much. we even stayed an extra day because it was so much fun! i jumbed off a sixty foot cliff into the water while i was there. it was so much fun. the rush was amazing. i really can´t wait until next year when i will do it again! now i am in ****. it is quite fun. i road my bike around yesterday. it was lovely once i was out of the city. we are doing much academic work but on our days off i hope to travel to some other cities like ****. honestly though i just might ride into the miuntains because i lvoe the countryside so much. well i will talk to you later, -J Email #5 (my 3rd email with no reply, omitted here) Email #6 (my last email asking coffee together and number, no reply so far): J, It’s been a while since I heard you from ****. How are you? I am not sure if you are back in **** now. As always I hope you are enjoying you days wherever you stay. I think we should have coffee together when you are back! If this is a good idea, then I need you phone number, what is it? I will call you up later. My cell phone number is (xxx)xxx xxxx. talk to you soon outblog
jcster Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I think you did just fine. Remember that she is on vacation, so she might be very incommunicado right now. I think you've sent the maximum number of emails that you can under these circumstances without coming off as pushy. Sadly, I think you're just going to have to sweat it out. Good luck!
Hitman10000 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Ah yeah dude, in regards to teacher-student relations, if the student starts it..It's A-OK and much better for liability and prideful reasons. Cause it's weird the other way around. And from the lack of response of her emails, she might think of you much differently than what you anticipated. Reading her emails make her sound sporty, she would do well with a guy who is very spiritual/yoga like character. Reading your emails, it makes you sound like a typical professor, you would do well with a girl that's the quiet unassuming but up for anything but not sporty type. I know I'm talking about, I'm a professional hitman.
kymberann Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Actually a red flag for me is that you are a professor teaching a graduate level class and you are referring to her as a girl and a crush. And to tell you the truth the tone of the email you send just sound creepy. especially since you sent the 6th one even after no reply and especially this part If this is a good idea, then I need you phone number, what is it? I don't know, just my initial gut feeling would tell me to be wary.
spookie Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Yup, to be quite honest I thought your emails were a little creepy as well. Like this part: This is a greeting from you previous instructor (not any more :-). Are you a little bit surprised to receive my email? Given how you don't even know her outside normal student-teacher interactions and thus have almost nothing to go on in regards to who she is as a person, the communication, maybe because of how it's worded, strikes me as slightly obsessed-stalker and predatory. Just being honest. I think you should back off the emailing for now. I think you've made it clear that you're interested. It's her call what to do about it.
LN99 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 She sounds like she is pretty busy this summer. I would wait for her to reply back to you before sending her another email. Also, why not offer her your phone number next time she replies instead of asking for hers? That way, if she is interested, she knows how to get a hold of you.
Author outblog Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 thanks a lot for all the replies. you guys are mostly right. i guess the emails i wrote are quite problematic for the situation. i am just horrible on that and can't seem to tell the subtle difference in the tone. besides, english is not my native tongue so there's language problem as well. Hitman10000, your analysis is so right! on the teacher-student note, i taught the class as a grad student myself, and i am still only a grad student right now, she knows that. come to think of it my emails do sound a little bit pushy or even a little bit creepy. sadly enough i wasn't even slightly aware of it when i sent them. a lesson to learn sigh
dropdeadlegs Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I don't think your emails were creepy, assuming the omitted ones weren't. However, I do think your interest was duly noted in the last one, and that is all you can do in the situation. I don't think that you did anything wrong (your approach was fine), and I also think she should reply before any further email communication (don't continue contact).
Author outblog Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 ok, here are the two other emails since dropdeadlegs mentioned them. both are a little big long. comments are also welcome that is if people here are patient enough to read through them(I omitted them in the original post because i didn't want to make the post too lengthy). Omitted email # one (my 2nd email to her, she replied, names deleted) J, It looks like you have laid your full plans out for the summer. How long are you going to stay in ****? I heard about this a little bit during those faculty meetings but don’t know the details. It certainly sounds like a great program and good opportunity. Will you have chance to visit cities other than ****? If I were to visit ****, I would like to go to the **** too. You know people always talked about how different **** is and it might be interesting to see the contrast. Oh, speaking of rock climbing, I have to say I don’t know much about it - if that’s wild rock you are talking about. I’ve only been to climbing club several times. Although I enjoyed it very much every time, I think I need more practice to catch up. In my impression **** is very mountainous, and I found out about that while driving across those mountains before. Maybe that’s the reason they have good climbing resorts there? Anyway, outdoor activities are great, great activities, and I love them, and if only I could join you sometime. As for my plans, unfortunately this summer is going to be a little bit plain for me – more practical things than fun to concern with. Basically since I am still stuck with my dissertation I am trying to get it done (hopefully get some writing done during the summer!). I am planning on looking for jobs starting this summer as well, either in academic area or industry. My appointment with **** department is only for one semester which means that I am unemployed once the semester is over, and it’s not likely there’s a chance for me to continue teaching in the fall. It would be better if I had more exciting plans as yours, but I will be just as happy if it turns out to be a productive summer for me. Later, and you have a great weekend in ****. Outblog Omitted email # two (my 3rd email to her, she didn’t reply) J, Good to hear you are enjoying your time in ****. Hope you are also having nice weather there (**** is quite cool these days). It looks like your bike is your best buddy and you must have it wherever you go. I am sure **** has beautiful landscape and is just the right place for your bike adventure, and don’t forget to bring some pictures back later. Are you doing your academic work in a university there? do you need to speak **** for your stay? If so, hope speaking foreign language is also part of your fun (It’s hardly the case for me). Your account of your adventure in **** is very vivid to me. I am especially impressed by your braveness on the jumping. Even though I was a little at a loss when you said the cliff is 60 feet, it is indeed very high once I convert the feet to meters (why American have to use foot by the way). I remember in my childhood, I had the chance to jump from a not-that-high bridge in my hometown, yet I was not willing to do so with the fear that my head might be cracked by the rock under the water. Though I still consider myself somewhat an adventurous person. Getting close to nature is always refreshing and outdoor adventures are probably the best way to do so. Sometimes I found myself buried into daily chores and forget about going out for a while. However, it looks like you are doing very well balancing the two. Hope you are having a good day. And keep me posted on your adventure there. outblog I don't think your emails were creepy, assuming the omitted ones weren't. However, I do think your interest was duly noted in the last one, and that is all you can do in the situation. I don't think that you did anything wrong (your approach was fine), and I also think she should reply before any further email communication (don't continue contact).
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Her emails to you were completely impersonal. Light and to the point. She didn't talk about enjoying the class or missing it. She basically said I have a full summer planned and I'm happy. She was very careful in my opinion to keep her tone very casual as you might with an aquaintace but not like a friend. I don't think she's interested and I do think your wording was a little creepy even if your intentions were not. The language/cultural barrier could well be the problem. I don't think you will be hearing back from her. If she had an interest she would have asked other questions to encourage more of a response to you. All you really got was the expected... and you? (as far as your plans for the summer go).
gfto Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 She's not interested. Move on to greener pastures, and don't send her anymore e-mails. I have to agree with those who felt that your first e-mail was creepy. The first sentence of her second reply, "I'm sure you will have a fine summer," roughly translates to "please leave me alone." Her failure to reply to your third e-mail translates to "seriously.....leave me alone!" Your crush on this girl is so strong that you're combing through her e-mails like a forensic scientist looking for any shred of hope, instead of looking objectively at her interest in you, which is about zero.
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