TiredOfWaiting Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I'm new so don't slam me. I've been an OW for quite some time, but first post here. MM has been telling me he's separated from BS, supposedly she moved out a long time ago and that they don't live together. Have kids, but kids are for the most part grown and in college. Excuses, excuses, loveless marriage, would rather be with me, blah blah. How do I get the real truth out of him? I have a hunch he's lying and trying to preserve the ETA, but it doesn't appear he's willing to do what needs to be done to be with me. I doubt he will ever be willing. Mortgage, kids in college, family traditions, family legacies, all despite they - the MM and BS can't stand each other. And she knows about me. So how do I get the truth out of him so I can move on? I know in my heart that it's what I need to do - move on. But I still love and care about him and he still loves and cares about me. Please give me some tough love here. Thanks.
child_of_isis Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 If you have a "hunch" that he is lying, then in all probabilities he is. Never take a man's word over your own instincts.
Author TiredOfWaiting Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Isis, Thanks for responding. I know exactly what you mean. My gut tells me that the story doesn't add up. However, I need to seek the truth, one way or another. I need to get it out of him or discover it myself. And then confront him with it. How do I force it out of him? I've used every technique I know but yet he still won't fess up. I need the truth so I can move on and call him on the carpet.
norajane Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 What truth is it that you don't know? That he and his wife aren't really separated? Have you ever been to his house? If not, invite yourself over there and see for yourself. If he won't let you go there, then I think you don't need to do any more digging...his wife is still living with him. That he will ever get a divorce? Have you asked him when he plans to do that? What does he say? If it isn't any time soon, then again, you don't need any further information...you know his priority isn't divorcing. You don't need to find out truths and to call him on the carpet to move on. You can move on without even discussing it with him...your gut instinct is telling you that you should. Instead, I think you're really looking for signs that he IS going to get his divorce, and you can't find what's not there.
Trialbyfire Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Actions speak louder than words. Words are cheap.
new beginning Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 If you don't feel he's telling the whole truth... what more do you need to know? What will learning that truth do? Give you a reason to leave? You already have your reason- you don't trust him. That's all you need. Even if he is telling the truth... something is telling you to get out now. I suggest you follow your instincts!
GreenEyedLady Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It doesn't sound like you're all that into him...I agree that I don't see how the "truth" is going to help you move on...you can do that on your own...
Hugh_950 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 So how do I get the truth out of him so I can move on? I know in my heart that it's what I need to do - move on. But I still love and care about him and he still loves and cares about me. Please give me some tough love here. Thanks. So you want to know the truth? You will NEVER get that truth from here. You have to find it between you and him. One way for sure is to tell him it's over - Tell him what you told us ... that your heart and intuition tells you he doesn't really love you. That won't be game paying because you really feel that doubt, don't you? Tell him that is why it's over! Then walk away. By the way ... your heart and intuition might be WRONG! He might love you OK? But only after he sees that you're GONE - and not playing a game about it. THEN and ONLY THEN will you get your truth. If he doesn't really love you, then he'll accept your break up. He might put up a phoney fuss before he accepts it ... but then he'll accept it. But if he does love you ... then he'll find a way to let you know and he'll fight to get you back. But do you REALLY want to know the thruth? .
Onelife Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Maybe the truth is already what you see. That he doesn't and will not leave. That he also loves you and cares for you but just not the same way he feels for his W. Maybe it's just you who have to face it. Maybe you have seen all the signs but just aviod them. Tribalbyfire is right. Actions speak louder than words. I myself have learned it a hard way.
TogetherForever Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Most definately, if you move on, you'll get the truth out of him!! You'll find out if he does want a relationship with you & you'll find out if his marriage is really over.
Curmudgeon Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Please give me some tough love here. Thanks. ...don't ask a philandering MM!
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 To expand on C's comment, you have a man who has lied from start to finish of your relationship. He's living a lie with two women and holding them emotional hostages. What makes you think you could ever get the truth out of him?
circeinvidiosa Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Go to his house. Go when he is not expecting you -- no advance warnings. Check it out. Why are you asking US? This one is so plain ....
SoxPrincess Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Go to his house. Go when he is not expecting you -- no advance warnings. Check it out. Why are you asking US? This one is so plain .... I disagree with this to a point. OP mentioned kids in her post and it's not a good idea just to show up without notice and potentially cause a nasty situation with kids involved. They are innocent and don't deserve to be drug through a mess like these. JMO. OP: If you feel like he is lying to you, he probably is. MM/OM will do anything to keep eating cake and they don't care if they lie to you in the process. If he continually lies to you and keeps getting away with it, he will keep doing it. Trust your instincts and run for the hills sweetie. Good luck.
Seen_It_All Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I have a hunch he's lying and trying to preserve the ETA, but it doesn't appear he's willing to do what needs to be done to be with me.Not to worry, Tired. MM don't lie. They're upstanding citizens, paragons of virtue, and leaders of the community. Oh wait - for a moment, I got liars and cheaters confused with REAL men of character and integrity. Silly me. I suppose your chances of getting the TRUTH out of a low-life liar are probably slim to none. He probably doesn't even KNOW how to tell the truth at this point - he's been living a life of lies, deceit, and sneakiness for far too long. But hey, good luck with that.
Author TiredOfWaiting Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 Quite honestly, I don't disagree with any of you. Thanks to LS I'm not looking through rose-colored glasses anymore. It kills me to read other stories here and find that my relationship, which I thought was so special and so different, is just as sterotypical as any other long term affair. Sad thing is I really do care about him, still love him, and actually believed all the time we would be together. It's such a dissapointment to look back and realize that you trusted someone and they still lied to you. However, I'd still like to know what's going on, for my own benefit. Last nail in the coffin so to speak. Otherwise it will continue to bug the heck out of me.
child_of_isis Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Go talk to the wife. She will tell you the truth.Isis, Thanks for responding. I know exactly what you mean. My gut tells me that the story doesn't add up. However, I need to seek the truth, one way or another. I need to get it out of him or discover it myself. And then confront him with it. How do I force it out of him? I've used every technique I know but yet he still won't fess up. I need the truth so I can move on and call him on the carpet.
Author TiredOfWaiting Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Ok so I have a strong hunch MM is lying. For my own reasons I really need to have the real truth and I know I won't get it from him. I need to call him on his lies and I feel very strongly about this. I'm even considering hiring a private investigator. I want him to know I'm smarter and more intelligent than he is. And that I know what he's been doing, which is lying to me and living a double life. Anyone out there have any suggestions, other than confronting his wife? I can't do that. I'm not proud of what happened here. In fact, I feel very foolish that I let him deceive me as long as I did. I couldn't admit that to her. And it would only hurt her, and she is stuck with him. I need this closure. Any suggestions are appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Best thing you can do for yourself is end it and move on. Tell him once he is divorced and you've seen the papers (proof) THEN you'll consider dating him. Until then, go no contact. NC as in NO calls, NO emails, NO IM's, no seeing him. There is no point in involving yourself in their marriage. It's not your place to tell her...And, even if you DID tell her, chances are he'll turn it all around on you, make you out to be the bad guy. He'll hate you and he'll still end up with his wife. Leave it alone..... Make your own closure, you don't need him to do that. Accept the fact he never should have allowed 'it' to happen between you two seeing as he is married. Even if there are feelings there, it's all based on affair feelings, not 'real' life as in the good, the bad and the ugly. You aren't in his daily life in every way, included with his family, friends, co-workers, neighbours...You know ONE part of his life, the part he shows you and allows you to be part of. Good luck and try to see that you deserve a man who can offer you EVERYTHING and every part of him, not just stolen moments!
werty Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 somehow, im on the same boat as she is. the difference is that my girl(if she really was mine) isnt married but had a baby and theyre still together. though i know the situation, she promised me that she wanted,loved me, cared for me more than him coz for them,it was just "for the baby". so i believed, and i trusted her, hurting myself in the process knowing that if she is not with me, i know he is with her. the moment ive waited for came, she broke up with him. i was happy when she told me that. but i said to her, it was not over. they will still come for you for what you did. just prepare and be firm and stand up on your decision. days past, and i knew, they were stil together,doin things together even our own meetings get cancelled for no reason. i confronted her, she said she cant do this, coz the guy is persistent. doesnt wana give up. all she can do she say is that she hopes the guy gives up on her, its the only way. i know its a lie. i confronted her again, telling how how aobut us? what about us? she said she doesnt know.. i asked again have you gotten back together? this will be faster if you will just admit this to me. she said she cant answer me, she cant tell me... im tired now. she has been lying, making out excuses. im tired coz i have trusted her, love her, cared for her most only to be betrayed in the worst form ever... all i ever wanted was that she tells me the truth,be honest with me even if it hurts. ive given her one last chance to tell me everything, to settle our situation.. she just promised to come, but she never came. i gues theres no real need for closure for me after that. she has chosen, and sadly its not me.. but somehow, i feel relieved... i hope you'll find the right person that will return what you have given them. its a long search, but it will come. just let him go. make the closure, no matter how hurt it will be, and try no to think about him or it anymore. life is too short to be wasting on people who doesnt care for how we feel for them. lets have fun make most out of our life and be happy for the experience... GL
child_of_isis Posted July 19, 2007 Posted July 19, 2007 If you find out the real truth and confront him, he will either lie, blame others, rationalize, blah blah.... so, why even waste your time and energy? He will gas you and you'll end up doubting yourself ....even if you have a mountain of evidence.Ok so I have a strong hunch MM is lying. For my own reasons I really need to have the real truth and I know I won't get it from him. I need to call him on his lies and I feel very strongly about this. I'm even considering hiring a private investigator. I want him to know I'm smarter and more intelligent than he is. And that I know what he's been doing, which is lying to me and living a double life. Anyone out there have any suggestions, other than confronting his wife? I can't do that. I'm not proud of what happened here. In fact, I feel very foolish that I let him deceive me as long as I did. I couldn't admit that to her. And it would only hurt her, and she is stuck with him. I need this closure. Any suggestions are appreciated.
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