LoveLace Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Even if you are getting along just fine, and you say it's time to talk about something, he keeps trying to avoid it and put it off. I know most men hate dealing emotions, etc, but any experienced, intelligent man knows, that every woman needs to verbalize feelings/thoughts at some point. My roomie agreed to give me a talk, YESTERDAY, but it was all too convenient that it was a holiday, so he ended up spending it with his family and did not say anything to me about our plans. I kept my mouth shut, as holidays with his kids is pretty important, definitely not less important than I, but that's exactly why he knew he could get away with this...am I right? He sounded enthused about talking, I guess, because that's how I want him to act, right? But the truth is, he's dreading it and would rather drink mud?
norajane Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 You know, I never tell a guy we 'need to talk'. It's so counterproductive and gets them all defensive and they avoid the whole thing. Instead, I lure them in, like the spider with the fly. When I feel the need to talk about some things, I just plan an evening when it's just the two of us relaxing or whatever. And then I just start talking about what's on my mind, without a preamble about us needing to "talk". My way, he's in the midst of the 'talk' without even realizing it, and it's usually far less tense than he would have expected if he thought we had to 'talk'. Do you see what I mean? Why all the warning and build up and set up ahead of time? Just talk when you're alone.
alphamale Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 well LL, to have "the talk" two people need to be mutually romantically involved. I think your romance with your roommate is one-sided so he doesn't feel the need to have "the talk" with you.
lindya Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Even if you are getting along just fine, and you say it's time to talk about something, he keeps trying to avoid it and put it off. I know most men hate dealing emotions, etc, but any experienced, intelligent man knows, that every woman needs to verbalize feelings/thoughts at some point. Is it really a male thing? Whenever someone says "you and I need to have a talk" I feel a strong desire to jump on a horse and gallop away. Apart from anything, "we need to talk" signifies "I'm been thinking about this and preparing what I want to say for some time - and now I feel ready to land it on unprepared, unrehearsed little you." I'm sure most people would avoid that until they'd managed to glean some inkling of what "the talk" was going to be about, and therefore gone some way to preparing themselves for it.
doiask42much Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I agree with Lindya. It's a human thing. Whether it's a coworker, friend, or SO, it's always nervewracking to be warned there's going to be "a talk" and then spend the next however long wondering what it's all about, as it's rarely (or even never) good news. I really think that making a declaration about needing to talk is pretty much always a bad idea, unless your intent is to freak someone out and make them sweat.
doiask42much Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 But...you left him a letter declaring your feelings for him, right? So he already knows what the talk is about. Of course he cares for you as a friend so is trying to be pleasant about the situation, but if he's stonewalling you, I would say you're not going to get the answer you're hoping for.
Hitman10000 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Please when you make a generalization, do not say MEN do not have emotions. Say.. SOME MEN do not enjoy emotional attention discussion. Is this guy your room mate? LOL, come on I think you can do better and think about dating people that are not within the same office or living arrangement. I'd hate to be trapped in that situation.
Star Gazer Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 well LL, to have "the talk" two people need to be mutually romantically involved. I think your romance with your roommate is one-sided so he doesn't feel the need to have "the talk" with you. I agree completely. There is no need to have the type of "talk" you're looking for when the "relationship" is one-sided. As sucky as it is, you're his roommate...that's it.
Krytellan Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Please when you make a generalization, do not say MEN do not have emotions. Say.. SOME MEN do not enjoy emotional attention discussion. Chill out. She said SOME... read it again and stop freaking out.
McFadden Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I wish people would never phrase anything "we need to have a talk" or "there's something I want to tell you" or anything like that. Today I was somewhere I got a text from a guy I know saying "there's something I want to talk to you about when you get online." I was until I got home. It turned out it was just something to do with a computer game. Usually that sentence is associated with negative things. I think people say it just to get me scared, like that guy today. Or maybe I just feel guilty and am paranoid. Its always better to go straight into what you want to talk about when its a good time.
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 well LL, to have "the talk" two people need to be mutually romantically involved. I think your romance with your roommate is one-sided so he doesn't feel the need to have "the talk" with you. Good advice Norajane. But Alpha, what's important is that I need to talk and all he has to do is listen, what he needs or doesn't need is not a concern to me at this point, it's all about me right now, and the talk is to let him know that I am no longer happy living there...and it's not his responsibility to make me happy...but it doesn't mean I have to stay there. But the point of planning a "talk" is so that if he does have anything to say, here's his chance to say it. He's been agreeing with me that we should "talk", but he's avoiding it at the same time. I'm going to have to sord of spring it on him, the way Norajane described.
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 But...you left him a letter declaring your feelings for him, right? So he already knows what the talk is about. Of course he cares for you as a friend so is trying to be pleasant about the situation, but if he's stonewalling you, I would say you're not going to get the answer you're hoping for. He never saw the note. He said he wished he did, cuz he didn't understand why I gave him a cold shoulder for a few days, which only pissed him off. After that we had a discussion about money, but that was as far as it went.
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Please when you make a generalization, do not say MEN do not have emotions. Say.. SOME MEN do not enjoy emotional attention discussion. Is this guy your room mate? LOL, come on I think you can do better and think about dating people that are not within the same office or living arrangement. I'd hate to be trapped in that situation. I didn't say men do not have emotions. I said they do not like dealing with them. Excuse me SOME men do not like dealing with them. If I had enough time between work and school, I'd be able to get out more, but even then if I was asked out, I only have 4 days off a month...not a lot of time to date. But this is why I want out. My roommate only reminds me of how lonely I am.
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I agree completely. There is no need to have the type of "talk" you're looking for when the "relationship" is one-sided. As sucky as it is, you're his roommate...that's it. So we've gone from "friends" -- of 10 years -- to "just roommates" -- which is B.S. if you ask me, if he's the "friend" that claims to be to me, he will show concern for my happiness, that should go for both platonic and same-sex friendships...or, because we are "just roommates", my happiness shouldn't matter to him? B.S.
lovelorcet Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Good advice Norajane. But Alpha, what's important is that I need to talk and all he has to do is listen, what he needs or doesn't need is not a concern to me at this point, it's all about me right now, and the talk is to let him know that I am no longer happy living there...and it's not his responsibility to make me happy...but it doesn't mean I have to stay there. But the point of planning a "talk" is so that if he does have anything to say, here's his chance to say it. He's been agreeing with me that we should "talk", but he's avoiding it at the same time. I'm going to have to sord of spring it on him, the way Norajane described. I, I.... Me, Me.... He just needs to shut up and listen... Whoa, this sounds very one sided.
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Sorry all I don't know why I'm in such a crabby mood this morning!
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I don't want him to shut up. I want to hear anything he has to say even if it's very little.
norajane Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 and the talk is to let him know that I am no longer happy living there...and it's not his responsibility to make me happy...but it doesn't mean I have to stay there. But the point of planning a "talk" is so that if he does have anything to say, here's his chance to say it. He's been agreeing with me that we should "talk", but he's avoiding it at the same time. THIS is what you want to talk to him about??? I thought you already had that talk, and you were planning to move out, and... Why don't you tell him how you feel about him? You know, that you have feelings for him and that's why everything about your roommate relationship gets all awkward and uncomfortable and that's why you're not happy living there... What do you have to lose at this point, since the friendship is already on thin ice?
Author LoveLace Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 I think he already knows my feelings. And I think its already clear that he doesn't want to reciprocate. I didn't have school for once last night, but do I get to go home and chill? Nope. Tom's at work. But all 3 kids are there. One's in the shower, one is playing video games, and one is on the computer. So much for surfing cable or the internet. Then a friend invites me over, so the 1 kid gets out of the shower but then another says, she has to take a shower. Ok now, that's too much hot water gone that I didn't have time to wait for warming up again. I told Mary I have to be somewhere, but she doesn't, I should shower 1st. But she argued that getting the f*king chlorine out of her hair is more important. This is B.S. I can't just walk in and start bossing them around like I'm their f*king mother. It isn't often that all 3 of them are there, but when they are, they take the place over. If I say anything, I get dirty looks, like who am I to tell them what to do? And he isn't there to rectify the situation. If I try to call him while he's at work, he doesn't answer. WTF am I putting up with all this for? Nothing. I get nothing out of this deal, and maybe I love the guy, but I love myself more. That's what I need to tell him.
marlena Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Alpha male, As always bluntly a bull's eye shot! Nora Jane, I love yr posts! Undeniably, a more effective (perhaps) approach!!! Why give warning? The element of surprise is a definite advantage!!! Still if someone wnats to stonewall - he/she will concoct a way to do it - ranging form - darling , I have a headache to .....hey, I've had it with yr nagging! But yes, the chances are better when you don't "alert" the "enemy"!!! Why cause anxiety beforehand!!! Yet - It does take to tango - regardless of timing!!
alphamale Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 and the talk is to let him know that I am no longer happy living there... so? just move out then....you don't need to talk with him. just tell him you're leaving.
Author LoveLace Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 so? just move out then....you don't need to talk with him. just tell him you're leaving. Well I've tried that Alpha, without suggesting a talk, and it didn't work because he kissed my ass and identified reasons for me to stay. I have STILL never officially agreed to staying...that's one thing we were supposed to f*king talk about!!! But instead he keeps blowing it off and assuming I want to stay. I deserve to talk it out if I feel I need to. I deserve to express how I feel but if he doesn't want to hear it, he'll have to tell me that 1st. Ignoring me or avoiding me doesn't cut it.
alphamale Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 well LL if you want to be taken advantage of then thats your own business...
Curmudgeon Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I know most men hate dealing emotions, etc, but any experienced, intelligent man knows, that every woman needs to verbalize feelings/thoughts at some point. Most men may but it doesn't phase me and, yes, I know that women, for the most part, like to verbalize their feelings and thoughts and I've been around long enough to let them without interrupting or offering unwanted advice. Mars and Venus.
Krytellan Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 The reason PEOPLE run away when the term "we need to talk" is brought up is because these talks are never good news for the person hearing it. At least 75% of break-ups start with those magic words. That's why people run away.
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