laRubiaBonita Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 My little sister (21) has been dating her BF (22) for 6 years. He is the scum of the earth. Not even a year into their relationship my sis got word that he was talking to other girls… they went to different high schools. Each year there is some horrible, distrustful, disrespectful thing he does. Usually involving other girls. We he went to college, the girl he hooked up with there actually sent my little sister pictures of herself and sis’s BF!!! Then he gets kicked outta school, comes back home, wrecks a car or two, my mother lends him a few thousand dollars, we still hear about shady going-ons, I think my little sister had broken up with him a few times with him through this time. Then he goes into the army, and goes to italy, he is there about a 1½ years, my little sister was supposed to visit him, but he gets booted out of the army. She lost a few hundred dollars in returning her plane ticket. She recently celebrated her 21st bday at a bar, with about 20 of her family and friends there. He was there too. Near the end of the night BF is seen talking with some random girl. He sees us watching him, and makes some facial expression like “ugh, this girl is annoying me”. After he walks away, my friend and I approach the girl and ask what that guy just said. She said he asked her for her phone number!!! Can you believe this piece of ***** boy! We did not tell my little sister what had happened at her bday party, until this week, AFTER she initiated her own break up. My little sister did not have a myspace, so she was finally getting one set up, and she was looking for people…. Well guess who pages she found? That’s right…. Loser BF’s. And he has 3 profiles! He has told us previously that he did not have a myspace…. Yet he has 3, with pseudo names, and comments from all these girls…. About how they enjoyed speaking with him on the phone, they are so excited about his new escalade that he bought, etc…… All these lies, all this deception. But do you think this last break up lasted more than 24 hours? Nope. It frustrates me soo much to watch my sister degrade herself. I want to shake her until she sees what a craphole he is, and how she IS a strong woman, and that she will get over this. My sister said she is scared to talk with my other sister and I about it, as she knows how we feel about him. The only thing she has really said, is she knows he is doing her wrong, but she loves him. I know she is scared, he is the only boyfriend she has had, her first everything… but it is pretty damn obvious that he does not share her sentiments. I am worried that she will get hurt so much it will damage her future relationships- if it hasn’t happened yet. I really want to go to his house and tell him to leave my little sister alone, and to go f**k up his own life more so. That she was the best thing he ever had…. and he should have considered himself lucky. I want to break his knee caps. :mad: My little sister has mentioned he is going to apologize to our family and good friends….. but apologize to us for what? I will accept nothing from him, plus I what ever he says, I never believe any of it. I told my lil sis that I do not think our father will let him into his house, and I said if dad doesn’t say anything then I sure as hell will. I just have no clue what to do for my sister…. It kills me to see her so upset, and it is not even for a legitimate relationship. I am keeping my comments to her supportive and I try not to mention him too much, but I do tell her my very similar experience, and that she CAN be strong, and that it is hard, and that she has soo many people that will help her.
norajane Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Are you really sure she CAN be strong? Have you seen any evidence of this? Because she's spent 6 years with a loser who has treated her like crap - strong people tend to walk away, at least after they realize the crappy behavior isn't going to stop. Does she have low self-esteem? Why? She needs to see that she deserves better before she will be able to free herself from him. Even if he breaks up with her and disappears off the face of th earth, it sounds like she wouldn't get over him any time soon. Has anyone else ever asked her out? Does she realize there are guys out there who would treat her well? Is she ever around people who have great relationships with their bf's? Doesn't she want that for herself? Doesn't she believe she deserves that?
mental_traveller Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I just have no clue what to do for my sister…. It kills me to see her so upset, and it is not even for a legitimate relationship. I am keeping my comments to her supportive and I try not to mention him too much, but I do tell her my very similar experience, and that she CAN be strong, and that it is hard, and that she has soo many people that will help her. In my experience, people following self-destructive paths need to hit a kind of rock bottom before they will wake up and stop, and there is nothing you can do except wait for them to hit it and come to their senses. It needs for their behaviour to cause some consequence shocking enough for them to snap out of it. I find that all attempts to help or sympathise just prolong the process, or at best do no good whatsoever and waste lots of your time & emotional energy. It makes things worse by delaying the dire consequences for the self-destructive person. For example, your mother really messed up by lending this guy money, it just lets him evade responsibility for longer. In therapy-speak they call it "enabling". The only time when I personally was doing something stupid, that I actually listened to someone, was when I asked a friend whether I should go ahead with something and he just shrugged and said "Do it if you want, it's your life". It was immediately obvious that it was a stupid thing to do, and his disinterested comment had much more impact than any time someone has tried to give well-meaning advice. I suggest you do the same - just ignore her behaviour, don't try to lecture or advise unless she asks you your opinion, and even then just say something like "well it's your life, if you want to hang out with someone who treats you that way, be my guest".
Author laRubiaBonita Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Are you really sure she CAN be strong? Have you seen any evidence of this? Because she's spent 6 years with a loser who has treated her like crap - strong people tend to walk away, at least after they realize the crappy behavior isn't going to stop. Does she have low self-esteem? Why? She needs to see that she deserves better before she will be able to free herself from him. Even if he breaks up with her and disappears off the face of th earth, it sounds like she wouldn't get over him any time soon. Has anyone else ever asked her out? Does she realize there are guys out there who would treat her well? Is she ever around people who have great relationships with their bf's? Doesn't she want that for herself? Doesn't she believe she deserves that? she has pretty good self esteem, except when she is with him. i think she reverts back to what ever little shell he has her in. she has been asked out, a few times, but she always says, no- she has a boyfriend. she has never cheated on him. i have a good relationship with my BF, our friends do too, our parents relationship is strong. in his family the women are treated feeble.... his mother is a stay at home mom, and i know for a fact his father has cheated on his mother. In my experience, people following self-destructive paths need to hit a kind of rock bottom before they will wake up and stop, and there is nothing you can do except wait for them to hit it and come to their senses. It needs for their behaviour to cause some consequence shocking enough for them to snap out of it. I find that all attempts to help or sympathise just prolong the process, or at best do no good whatsoever and waste lots of your time & emotional energy. It makes things worse by delaying the dire consequences for the self-destructive person. For example, your mother really messed up by lending this guy money, it just lets him evade responsibility for longer. In therapy-speak they call it "enabling". my mother thinks she can save the world... it is the nurse in her. my little sister is in nursing school as well..... hmmmm. luckily she will be going back to school in august, so maybe it will help. The only time when I personally was doing something stupid, that I actually listened to someone, was when I asked a friend whether I should go ahead with something and he just shrugged and said "Do it if you want, it's your life". It was immediately obvious that it was a stupid thing to do, and his disinterested comment had much more impact than any time someone has tried to give well-meaning advice. I suggest you do the same - just ignore her behaviour, don't try to lecture or advise unless she asks you your opinion, and even then just say something like "well it's your life, if you want to hang out with someone who treats you that way, be my guest". i have pretty much told her that i am there if she needs anything, but she knows basically all of her friends and her family do not support the relationship, and i know most of us are sick of talking about it with her, and we are not anymore...... my mother will, but she is just nosesy like that.
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