l_lee88 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Inlove with him, is it wrong? Hi, I would really appreciate the advice, Im so lost right now, Im a 19 year old female who is deeply in love with her cousin (who is 23 years old) and has been for many years. We were brought up together as kids and our families are very close. I had always had a crush on him as a child but as I grew older my feelings grew stronger, and I’m finding it difficult to keep it a secret now. I have tried so hard to get him out of my head but im am not getting anywhere, I compare everyone to him, which isn’t going to be good for me in future relationships, if I am unable to commit fully. Recently I met his new girlfriend, and tried my best to make her feel welcome and made an effort to talk to her, as much as I felt like crying, I was devastated when I found out. When me and my cousin were left to talk to each other alone, we got into a discussion about cousins having an intimate relationship, and he said that he thought it was acceptable, and he would have a relationship with his cousin, he only has 3 female cousins. At first I was delighted that he didn’t see a problem with cousin relationships, then I thought that if he didn’t think it was a big deal, he would have asked me out already if he had any feelings for me. We talked about his relationship with his girlfriend, and he said that, they were not serious, and she was more interested in him than he was in her, However our family are under the impression that it is serious. Why is he telling me different? The following week I went to a fortune teller and she brought my cousin up without me mentioning him, she told me that he had feelings for me aswell and I would get an opportunity to be with him, if I stopped backing away. Sometimes I catch him, at the corner of my eye staring at me (my fortune teller said, “he smiles with his eyes“), and whenever we have a family function he is always spends his time with me. Even when his girlfriend was with him, he still left her to be with me. I dont know what to do. I could tell him and risk our relationship as it is, or i could leave it and risk never knowing if he feels the same? truth is, im terrified. Thank you Laura x
roxy_1980 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 What you're describing is fairly unusual even for incestuous relationship. Usually when cousins are close during childhood, there is no attraction. Just little you're not attract to the guy across the street that you've known since you were 2. But, anyway.... Even if he is into the relationship, that doesn't make it a good idea. What happens if you guys try the relationship and it doesn't work out, what happens to the family? I'll tell you what happens, cause I've seen it happen, the family avoids having the two families together, and they basically shun both of you during and after the relationship. This kind of thing can absolutely tear your family apart. It happened in my family, two of my cousins (first cousins to each other) dated, broke up and now the family is a mess. No more family Christmases with everyone, no-one talks to them, no more happy family weddings. I know what you're thinking. What if the relationship lasts? Well, then I hope you don't want children. Every person on this Earth is a carrier for 8 to 10 genetic diseases and you share 1/8 of your DNA with your 1st cousin, you do the math. You're bound to have one in common if you had kids. And if they don't have problems, they have to live with the riddicle that their parents are cousins. You think that grade school was mean to some kids, that was nothing. You need to move on. Stop thinking about your cousin. You're 19, that means you're either in college or close to it. Look around campus. There are plenty of people available that don't share your DNA. It's a really, really bad idea.
Author l_lee88 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 When we were young our parents were close, we seen each other regularly, it wasnt as if i seen him everyday for 19 years otherwise he would appear more like a brother. Marriage between cousins is alot more common than people think, almost 20% of marriages are between cousins. My uncle married his cousin and went on to have 4 healthy children. If i did have a relationship with him and we wanted children its possible to get tests to ensure that the child will be born healthy. 3-4 children out of 100 children may be born with birth defects, and thats between unrelated couples, however 4-5 out of 100 children have the risk of birth defects through related couples, so its not that far off. True, i should try and move on but its so difficult, i love him, and i think he has feelings for me as well. Any relationship i get into will be unfair as the guy will always be second best. Its hard to find the good in somebody when ive already found the best in him. I don't think it would cause a rift between the family at all, as my family are very supportive. Thankyou for your comment
roxy_1980 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 20% of people are not marrying their cousins. Wherever you got that statistic, it is grossly wrong. You know how I know, it's illegal in many countries. As for the stat about the frequency of genetic defeats in children of related individuals, are you trying to pull a fast one or what? I'm a molecular biologist. Here are the real stats: unrelated couples: 1-2% related couples: 25-50% Here's the math for you: 8 to 10 recessive genes carried by every person 1/8 of DNA in common. 1 carrier gene in common minimum. 2 or 3 if you're not so lucky. With two recessive alleles (one carried by each parent), there is a 25% chance of disease. Therefore, there is a 25% chance for each allele in common. If you carry two in common, it doubles. As for the rest, believe what you like. Supportive family or no, it's gonna bother people, alot!
Author l_lee88 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Aw well, u obv don't think that its right for cousins to be together, thats up to you. fair enough you know alot about it, i'm just going on information ive been told through the internet and through a doctor. Of course its going to bother people, there are many ignorant and judgmental people in the world but at the end of the day, you cant help who you love.
norajane Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 As far as I know, it's legal to marry your cousin in Europe (and in 19 or 20 states in the U.S.). If your cousin did not recoil in horror at the concept, I still wouldn't consider that a green light to go ahead. He is in a relationship with someone. Regardless of whether he is your cousin or not, would you tell ANY guy about your feelings for him if he is involved with someone else? Or would you consider him off limits because he is in a relationship? It doesn't matter if your cousin says his relationship isn't serious. He is in a relationship, period. That means you stay out of it. Besides, you're 19!! You have SOOOO much time and so many opportunities to meet great men in the coming years. You are going to grow and change and develop into a person that you can't even imagine right now - you're just beginning to come into your own. You are still getting to know yourself and what is important - I guarantee that 10 years from now, you'll look back and wonder at how much you've changed. It's far too soon to set your sights on one guy, no matter who he is.
Hitman10000 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Before the invention of cars, this wasn't that weird because the dating choices were very limited. Now that we have cars it's seen as weird if you do not date outside.
sb129 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 When we were young our parents were close, we seen each other regularly, it wasnt as if i seen him everyday for 19 years otherwise he would appear more like a brother. Marriage between cousins is alot more common than people think, almost 20% of marriages are between cousins. My uncle married his cousin and went on to have 4 healthy children. If i did have a relationship with him and we wanted children its possible to get tests to ensure that the child will be born healthy. 3-4 children out of 100 children may be born with birth defects, and thats between unrelated couples, however 4-5 out of 100 children have the risk of birth defects through related couples, so its not that far off. True, i should try and move on but its so difficult, i love him, and i think he has feelings for me as well. Any relationship i get into will be unfair as the guy will always be second best. Its hard to find the good in somebody when ive already found the best in him. I don't think it would cause a rift between the family at all, as my family are very supportive. Thankyou for your comment Are you a Mormon? I know that its quite common for mormons to marry cousins. i think its legal in some areas to marry your FIRST cousin, because the chances of birth defects in your children are less, because of things "skipping a generation". Not a particularly scientific explanation, please anyone feel free to correct me if i am wrong, i just woke up! I think that one of the other posters said that you are only 19 and you should look around you- I totally agree. 19 is so young, you will probably fall in love a few times before you meet the person you could marry..
roxy_1980 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 The appearance of diseases and other traits "skipping a generation" was simply a way that people before genetics and genetic testing tried to explain genetics. They saw that some people got and other didn't and tried to ascertain a pattern without really looking at a large population sample. It is wrong. Genes do not simply disappear. Besides it no the genes that have caused problems in your family before that are the problem. It's the genes that lie dormant as single recessive genes in the two peoples' DNA (You need two to have the disease). These recessive genes for almost everyone doesn't bother them because they marry someone RANDOM that carry different recessive genes and therefore do not give the genes necessary to a child to cause disease. But when you start marrying people too close (anyone who shares more than 1/10 of your DNA) that's when you get problems. No-one would think it's a good idea for two people with brothers with the same affliction should have kids (cousins or not). It's those unknown genes that are the problem, not the ones that people see already. Here in Canada, second cousins can marry no closer. I have no problems with that (only 1/32 of same DNA), just not your first cousin. There are so many other people out there.
Beachgrl486 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I dont know...I just think it is a little odd. I think the best thing you could do is just distance yourself. You do not need to date your cousin. What would your family think? It would tear your family apart...atleast it would mine and most peoples. You are going to meet many more men and you say you compare guys to him but youre only 19...you are going to meet sooo many other guys. After me and my first boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up I always compared people to him...its normal to compare people...but it will pass...then there will be someone else. Its not a good idea and I would not recommend it...but that is just my opinion. I don't think you realize what you would be getting yourself into. You would get a lot of criticisim...and after time you would start to care.
Author l_lee88 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 I dont know...I just think it is a little odd. I think the best thing you could do is just distance yourself. You do not need to date your cousin. What would your family think? It would tear your family apart...atleast it would mine and most peoples. You are going to meet many more men and you say you compare guys to him but youre only 19...you are going to meet sooo many other guys. After me and my first boyfriend of 3 yrs broke up I always compared people to him...its normal to compare people...but it will pass...then there will be someone else. Its not a good idea and I would not recommend it...but that is just my opinion. I don't think you realize what you would be getting yourself into. You would get a lot of criticisim...and after time you would start to care. I know im only 19 but...ive tried realtionships with other guys and no one seems to match up 2 him, i've "loved" him for years, and have obviously known him all my life. Yes, he is my cousin and many people will find it disgusting, i used to pretend my feeling were not there to start with because i though it was wrong. As for my family...i know they would be supportive as one of my uncles married his cousin, and everyone seemed fine with it. I also brought up the subject of cousin relationships with my mum and dad, and i used me and my cousin for example, My dad's answer wasnt as good as i had hoped it would be, he was a little bit...weird, but then he said, "it wouldn't matter, aslong as you were happy," Im lucky to have a very supportive and loving family, and i feel that if the situation arises, they would be very shocked but come round in the end. How did you manage to get over your boyfriend, maybe it can help me get over my cousin? thanks again Laura x
Author l_lee88 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 It will be difficult distancing myself from him, as he's not just some guy i can cut off from, he's my cousin he's been a major part of my life for 19 years, its enevitable that i will see him very often, and wouldn't it be odd that all of a sudden i'm not talking to him as much?
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