GripperGuy Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Hi all, I hope I've found the right place for advice... I'm on the brink of separation from my wife, but i'm completely torn between doing something to make my life happy, and the guilt of turning peoples lives upside down. We both agree that the current state is just not working, but the prospect of putting friends and family and us through this is killing me. She agrees that being separated is probably what we need to do, but in the next breath, she lays the guilt of "what am i gonna tell my parents?", "how can i face our friends?" and to top it all off "i just want to take something to go to sleep and never wake up". I care about all these people, and don't want to cause them heartache, but i feel like i have to for once be true to myself. Is this normal? Am I being selfish by thinking of myself for once?
veryverysadgirl Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 sounds a lot like my husband and i. have you tried marriage counseling? separations hurt like HELL. at least for me they do. he says it's something he "needs" to do, but i think in a marriage, you work it out together. being separate is SO HARD. but that's just me. i dunno the answer. but marriage counseling might be it. separation is just such a bitch. but lots of others here will have different (and likely better) advice.
veryverysadgirl Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 oh, and not to be rude, but yes, i think it's very selfish to separate. i think you made a commitment and you should trudge through the hard times TOGETHER. but again, that's just me with my own biases. and yes, i think you found the right place. there's a lot of wisdom and experience here.
Author GripperGuy Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Yes, we went to a years worth of counseling, once a week, and i go on my own as well. First a little background: I’ve been married for 8 years, but have been with my wife for 17 yrs (since ’90). We are both 36, no kids, and making decent livings, own a home, etc, etc. We were pretty much each other’s first and only’s. For the last couple of years, our relationship has taken a major turn for the worse. We’ve been arguing a lot, I felt like I had fallen by the wayside as far as being cared about. I want to have someone to share my life with, to grow old with, to care about my life and what’s going on. She is a great person, but she is waaaay to busy with her own life to even stop and care about me. She's a teacher. When she gets home from work, she either has a couple of tutoring appointments, or she is grading tests, or lesson plans, etc. Then she's in bed by 9pm THE LATEST, and I am the kind of person who usually stays up till 12 or 1am because I can’t shut my mind off till then. She's goes way out of her way for her work friends, always remembers to get them cards for their birthdays, anniversaries, etc. You want to know the last time I got a birthday card? 4 yrs ago. She is a pessimist to the bitter end, even when I ask for optimism. The latest thing that really hurt me was when I had to get a biopsy of my liver because some test came back weird, and I got a little freaked out by it, but I told her that I needed her to be supportive, and not do the "What if its cancer?" etc thing. She couldn't do it. All she could focus on was what she would do if something happened to me. Everything always gets turned around to be a focus on her, even if its my problem. She has also developed an insecurity complex, where everything I say, whether its good/bad/neutral, turns out to be a criticism against her. A admit I have a few nitpicks, but not anywhere near the extent that she makes it out to be, and because I'm just being normal, I try to defend myself, and we get into the inevitable argument. We are about at the point where we should be having kids (actually, we're the last of our friends without kids, and they all have at least 2). But I'm so confused about life right now that the thought of having kids with her petrifies me because there's no way I would ever get a divorce if we had kids. I just want to be happy in life, and I know that marriage is all about sacrifice and compromise, but I have to ultimately be able to live with myself as well. My outlook is that you only go thru this life once, you might as well be happy. Am I being selfish about that? I don’t know. When someone is genuinely nice to me, I will do anything to make that person happy and feel loved.
doiask42much Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I think you are doing the right thing. Since you don't have kids, the only people whose lives you might be turning upside down (family?), well, really, I doubt they'll be as broken up as you think. Your wife is the only one whose life would be turned upside down (aside from you, of course), but you said she seems to agree it's for the best. Sounds like you two settled down too young.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 When someone is genuinely nice to me, I will do anything to make that person happy and feel loved. Not to sound all jaded and paranoid... but is there "someone" who's already being nice to you??? It makes a difference.... Because infatuation can affect a person's judgment, leaving them open to long-term regret in exchange for short-term gratification. So if there's "a snake in the woodpile", best to 'fess up and get the right information. Otherwise, you're straining your carpal tunnel for nothing.
Author GripperGuy Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 no, not at all, i can understand what you are getting at though. That statement is kinda made in general. It holds true to all in my life.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Are the issues you've mentioned here the same one you addressed in MC? Or was there something else going on? Was there any resolution to those issues or are they ongoing? To be honest... if I had already addressed the issues in MC, and if I were putting my 100% into the relationship, and if my spouse was consistently NOT meeting me halfway, and if there was no outside influence impeding my mental clarity.... I'd make my decision and stick with it. If one is determined to make a break, it's less confusing for the other party when you refrain from dithering.
Author GripperGuy Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 yep, the issues i mentioned in here, plus a few more (learning how to communicate better, me dealing with her PMS, my feeling that i was always the one to give in/apologize etc) were all addressed in MC. Suggestions were given to both of us. A couple of them were resolved (she's taking Lexapro to control her PMS rages, and i'm understanding of them more), but the insecurities are still there even though I am trying to explain the meanings of my words and actions, and she's still a die hard pessimist (even more so now). To be honest, I was putting my 100% into the relationship. After 7 months of not getting that back, I've had it.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Sometimes a partner doesn't see the necessity of making a change until there's a crisis in the marriage. Understand that "trial separation" often complicates and escalates the situation though, because it represents MORE emotional division rather than less. Oftentimes, a couple ends up with bigger problems than what they started with. But... when your partner is unwilling to consider real and long-lasting changes, your choice is limited to continued tolerance of the status quo or 'rolling the dice' and taking a chance on bringing things to a head. Crisis in the form of "trial separation" has the potential to wake a recalcitrant mate up to the reality of losing the marriage. It also increases the likelihood of permanent separation. So, be prepared for that outcome as well.
Author GripperGuy Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 well thats basically what's happening right now. Wednesday night things came to a boil, and I said I was done with it all, and that i wanted out. We spoke for a while that night and a while yesterday, with her continuing to claim that if I let my guard down and left myself open one more time then I could be happy. The problem is that everytime i have done that, i have gotten hurt. This whole "just one more chance, just one more chance" thing is getting old.
Author GripperGuy Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 A quick question though... I see a lot of talk about "trial separation". Is this different than legal separation? Is trial separation just an agreement between the couple to just spend some time away from each other without going thru the legal steps of filing separation papers? I live in NY State btw.
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