candy Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 OK< I've had issues with my BF and his ex's influenece before. Lately things have been great with us, tho, she neevr really comes up. But as it stands now, we see each other every other week-end when he doesnt have his kids. So this week-end was "my turn" and I treasure those week-ends togehter. He tells me the other day that his ex "decided" it was his turn so he hs the kids this wekeend. I said it is NOT your turn, just look at a damn calender--he hasn't given me a real reason for this, he said she didnt tell him she needs to go somewhere, or asked him to switch, just that its his turn. How do iI get this otherwise (mostly) great guy to stand up to his ex? This is just the latest example of her telling him something and him agreeing, never discussing things with me, never saying no to her. He sees his kids plenty, he pays his child support, but fair is fair! Her demands and treating him like a dumb doormat are driivng me NUTS!!
Star Gazer Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 He tells me the other day that his ex "decided" it was his turn so he hs the kids this wekeend. I said it is NOT your turn, just look at a damn calender--he hasn't given me a real reason for this When it comes to his KIDS you have NO CONTROL. You really need to understand that. She didn't decide that he's going to go grocery shopping for her, she didn't decide that he's what he's going to wear today or do tomorrow, she didn't decide where he was going on vacation, or what he's having for lunch...she decided to give him more time with his CHILDREN. He is likely thrilled for it to be "his turn" to spend time with his CHILDREN. They will ALWAYS come FIRST in his life. ALWAYS.
Author candy Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 you have to be kidding me! its not him saying "i want to see my kids this week-end" its his shrew of an ex saying this is your turn with the kids, when it is not. i suppose if he didn't send his child support payment he could tell her "but i sent it to you, don't you rememebr!" the bigger issue is his relucatnce to stand up to her EVER. i think his blood pressure woudl be lower if he did....another example--he took the kids to a pg-13 movie she thought was inappropraite and chastised him for it, and i said what did you say to her, and he said "nothing"--and trust me the movie was fine. he's like a wimpy puppy when it comes to a woman who dumped him for a co-worker....in this case, if he felt he needed to see his kids, or wanted to switch week-ends with her i'd say fine, but come on, its not that, it sher wanting to be with her new man and their kid and dumping his kids off on him because she can. and him no tdiscussing plans with me before he agrees to them, as i made plans fo rus this weekend
Lezbean Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 You sound like a GIGANTIC pain in the ass. Every post I have ever read that you have written, all you do is complain about his Ex. I'm sure he is Sh*t full of it. His kids SHOULD and always will come first. You should not be with this man if you don't get that. You sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. Find someone with out kids. You obviously aren't mature enough to handle someone who has a past. Eeesh
Lizzie60 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I know exactly how you feel... when the ex is a strong person and the bf is the weaker one...that's what happens... It also drove me crazy with a bf I had for a very short while, he has 2 sons... poor kids were stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war. Since then... NO MORE KIDS... this is a dealbreaker right from the start... been there... it doesn't work. I love kids but mine are grown-ups, I don't want to be stuck in the middle of a nasty ex and a weak bf anymore. I don't have the patience for that anymore. To be honest with you, if this guy can't stand on his two feet and let HER run HIS life... then there is not much you can do... I know it sucks... Some exes find great pleasure to play with the ex, especially when he has a gf..but she will uses the children.. the best way to fool him and the gf. Good strategy from the ex and it does work almost every time...
Lezbean Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 But it's not about the EX, it's about HIM wanting to be with his kids. If he would have WANTED to spend the weekend with the whiny girlfriend he would have told the Ex he had plans. His kids should and always will come first. He sounds like a fantastic Dad. Candy should be grateful she found a man that cherishes his kids and pays child support and is respectful to his Ex. He sounds like a great, stand up guy.
Author candy Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 thanks Lizzie60 for getting it! i agree, next time a guy with no kids, or else ones who live far away or are much older....but what can i do with this guy i love in the situation? is there any hope, anythign i can say to him to get him to stand up to her? she really does use the kids to get to him and he doesnt freaking see it!
kymberann Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I can understand your frustration concerning this relationship. I am there! I have to say that yes it IS about the EX. Ex's still have power even when kids are involved. Perhaps your boyfriend who I am sure wants to be a great Dad feels obligated even more so because if he did turn his ex down, she can easily hold that over his head, that he was not willing to care for the kids when she asked of him. Meaning if he does not help out she can with hold any further relationship with those kids. Just be certain to know it isn't necessarily about you. Perhaps he is also wanting to make sure his kids do not feel the consequences of that tug of war as well. You are right the bigger issue is the reluctance and unwillingness to hold firm to boundaries or to change their old behaviors your boyfriend and ex are still used to. you can't say or do anything. That is the most frustrating part! Right now I am doing everything it takes to tell myself I did the right thing by breaking off a relationship similar to yours. The ex controls most of this guy's life and it has really influenced what relationship we have had and don't have now. I don't know if he will ever realize that and it breaks my heart and I am crying every day (we were talking marriage). It isn't a matter of me being selfish, or not thinking of his kids, it's a matter of both people being on the same page at the same time. Until he is ready to let go of the dynamics with the ex, there isn't much you can do. I hope it works out for you though, one way or another. Best
Raspberry Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I see your side of it to an extent. However if she is going out of town, it makes sense to have him have the kids that weekend. Also, there may be times he may not be able to have his kids for his weekend, and may need her to have them that weekend. Also, are you not invited to his house at all when the kids are there? If you have been seeing this guy for a couple years, you should be invited to his place by now when they're there. If his home and himself are 'off-limits' to you during that weekend of his kids' visits, there is a problem in that he is not truly committed because he's not making efforts to make you a part of his complete life, which includes his kids. Also, I would try making plans WITH the kids. An example would be to say "Why don't I treat all of us to a day at the waterpark since you have the kids this weekend? That would be fun."
Walk Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Are you positive he's being a "wuss"? That's a fairly harsh judgement of the man you love. I don't know about you, but I completely stopped trying to argue with my ex about anything. It was worthless to argue. You couldn't discuss anything rationally, there was no comprimise, or negotiations. It was the ex throwing a f'ing tantrum the second I voiced my opinion. You get tired of dealing with that crap. I've also seen my brother (who's not a wuss) accept without arguing that his ex-wife has last minute plans that prevent her from taking the kids. The reason he doesn't "stand up to her", is because he knows she'll leave them with a cracked-out stranger rather than give up her fun weekend. What benefit would anyone get from forcing the kids into a situation like that? So sometimes there are reasons why a person feels its not in their (or their childrens) best interest to fight an irrational person. I know it's probably really frustrating to have an ex like his in the picture... but give your guy a tiny amount of credit. He's been dealing with her for years, and probably knows that "standing up to her" means a backlash of emotional trauma for the kids.
annabelle75 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I see your side of it to an extent. However if she is going out of town, it makes sense to have him have the kids that weekend. Also, there may be times he may not be able to have his kids for his weekend, and may need her to have them that weekend. Also, are you not invited to his house at all when the kids are there? If you have been seeing this guy for a couple years, you should be invited to his place by now when they're there. If his home and himself are 'off-limits' to you during that weekend of his kids' visits, there is a problem in that he is not truly committed because he's not making efforts to make you a part of his complete life, which includes his kids. Also, I would try making plans WITH the kids. An example would be to say "Why don't I treat all of us to a day at the waterpark since you have the kids this weekend? That would be fun." Good response. I think this is a matter of preception. When it comes to being a parent that shares custody of your kids you just kind of expect to have them if the other parent can't for some reason. Even if it is not a part of your regular schedule, you really don't consider it a problem. You are their parent. Its your job to take care of them. Why can't you spend time with him when the kids are around? Is that his choice or yours? Or is it just a matter of you wanting him alone? When you date some one that has kids you can't always have him to yourself. The whole "my weekend" attitude is what is getting you into trouble. When you have kids every weekend is their weekend if needed. I really don't think this is a case of his ex controling him and more like just the regular situations that come up when divorced parents share custody.
Star Gazer Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Why can't you spend time with him when the kids are around? Is that his choice or yours? Or is it just a matter of you wanting him alone? When you date some one that has kids you can't always have him to yourself. The whole "my weekend" attitude is what is getting you into trouble. When you have kids every weekend is their weekend if needed. Read her other threads. She basically hates his children, doesn't like sharing him with his children, and wants him all to herself because that's what SHE thinks is "fair" to HER.
annabelle75 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Read her other threads. She basically hates his children, doesn't like sharing him with his children, and wants him all to herself because that's what SHE thinks is "fair" to HER. OOHHH !!!! I've read those threads. I didn't realize it was the same person. Revised advice: You need to end the relationship. You shouldn't be dating a man with children.
Lezbean Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 My FH also has a nightmare for an Ex who he has to pay thousands of dollars to each month. She makes him take the kids all the time on his weekends so that she can run off with men to Vegas and where ever. She is trying to bag her next husband. My FH's Ex also dumped him rather cruelly. At first I got upset about it but rarely said anything about it. I realized that he was doing it for the KIDS and not HER so I went with the flow. So what if they are with us an extra weekend out of the month. We just include them in our plans. There will be times in the future where she will have to take them on HER weekends because we have a lot of things planned coming up. I bet he wishes you were more understanding about it. Trust me, by you throwing this in his face and making him chose between you or the kids YOU will lose. I'm sure he will resent you for it. Stop thinking about only yourself and think of the kids and your MAN'S situation. I swear I don't know why you stay with him when all you ever do is complain. You sound worse than the pain in the ass Ex-wife.
annabelle75 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I just did a little research and found out this is the same poster that started the thread about being upset that the BF took his kids out to buy mother's day presents for their mother........ and then complained that at the very least he should have gotten her something too even though she is not a mother and doesn't even like his kids. Seriously, this relationship has got to end. Its just not healthy for anyone involved. I'm really starting to feel bad for the kids and the bf. The theme of most of the threads is she is convinced that the ex still has control over her bf, but the reality is the ex has moved on and even has a bf of her own. I have not read a single complaint that is not just ordinary situations that come up for divorced parents. No matter how she wants to word it or how many threads she starts no one is ever going to tell her that she should be a higher priority than his children. And that is exactly what she wants to hear.
LilDarlin Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Like Lezbean said...she sounds like a GIGANTIC, spoiled rotten, self centered pain in the ass. I'm surprised the BF hasn't dumped her by now. I bet it's coming though.
jcster Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 A friend of mine had similar issues with her boyfriend and his "baby momma." Here's what I told her, and it applies to you: "If you try and become more important to this guy than his kid, you will lose. He's always going to have a connection to his ex - they have a kid together. You can't understand their relationship, so you will need to understand the relationship that YOU have with your boyfriend. You need to be on his side and stop fighting with him over a situation that he can't and won't change. If you can't do that, you will lose him." She lost him.
StartingOver07 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I think you don't get it. Even if the ex is being totally manipulative and in the wrong, your BF is not going to stand up to her on matters involving his kids. He is probably happy to be able to see them on an extra weekend. Or perhaps he's concerned about what she'd do with them or tell them if he said no. The point is, it's not a matter of him not standing up to her where the kids are involved. If she was yanking his chain in some non-kid-related way and he refused to stand up to her, then maybe you'd have a legitimate beef. But these are his kids, and expecting him to take actions that work against their best interest is nuts. And if the ex is as awful as you say, then you should certainly agree that every minute they are with him instead of with her is a good thing.
Author candy Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 kymberann, thansk for understanding. this has nothign to do with previous problems with the BF. i do spend time with him and his kids, as a matter of fact we spent all day Sat. together last week-end, had a blast....this is about his ex being manipulative and using the kids to make him feel guilty for not living there, when the divorce was her idea! ahd she moved away, not him..he does his best. and this has nothign to do with her having plans that week-end, i could get that, we've swithced week-ends beofre when we had important plans. what this is is FAIRNESS, of him taking turns seeing his kids every other week-end as per the divorce agreement, and we all spend time togehter, but we need 'adult time" which is precious to me, just being with him, having intimate relations, seeing other couples, etc. etc. those of you who think i'm being a bitch for wanting my fair time with my BF, sorry you don't get it....there must be boundaries in ALL aspects of life or all is lost...and kmyberann, hope things work out for you too!
Author candy Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 i mean seriously, you guys have me so P.O'ed....you act like i expect his kids to sit in the streets if he doesnt take his kids. they have a mom and her BF lives with them, and their half-brother...and when I saw them last Sat. one said to me how she missed her little brother. i mean, 4 out of 5 last week-ends my BF had his kids, but that's ok, right? how would you feel if your boss said work your off week-end because someone else doesnt want to? woudl you, for no extra pay? i'm a banker, i can tell you the weak ones get taken advantage of and walked all over. you have ot stand up to yourself. all she said to him was "you'll have the kids this week-end, its your turn"...which it was NOT and it was his place to say so....if he cannot perhaps it is time to move on. i hope none of you haters ever find yourself in a similar situation, i would love to see your perception change....good luck to you all! i'm done with this site....
Author candy Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 I'm hardly spoiled rotten or self centered or a pain in the ass. i work hard for a living, i take care of an elderly parent, i volunteer tutoring kids with reading, all i ask for is a man who will love me and be fair and perhaps if some of you were less judgemental you coudl see things from a different point of view. my man isn't about to dump me, on the contrary he wants things to work out, i tried to break up with him last week and he insisted i give him another chance. sorry to disappoint you !!
I love hot men. Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Hi Candy, I guess I don't see the problem because what about parents who have their children EVERY weekend. For example, when I was growing up, my dad only paid child support from the time I was in 4th grade, his wife decided she didn't want us to visit every other weekend anymore and he went along with it. So...my mom had us every weekend. What do married parents do who want some "adult time" away from their kids? Well...they usually don't have the luxury of dumping off the kids at an "exe's" house. If his ex calls and tells him she can't have the kids that weekend, what is he supposed to do, refuse to take them? Then he gets painted as the bad guy to his kids "Daddy doesn't want you over this weekend, so we're taking you to Grandma." Nice. Not saying this ex is a nice person, because I don't think she is, but the fact is that there shouldn't be a problem with this man seeing his kids every weekend. He apparently wants to see them if his ex is "not able" to. If he has a problem with his ex manipulating the situation, and he wants to not have the kids so many weekends, it is his issue to deal with her. But apparently he doesn't see this as a problem, taking his kids for the weekend. So...you have to leave it to him to decide if he sees it as a problem or not.
annabelle75 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 i mean seriously, you guys have me so P.O'ed....you act like i expect his kids to sit in the streets if he doesnt take his kids. they have a mom and her BF lives with them, and their half-brother...and when I saw them last Sat. one said to me how she missed her little brother. i mean, 4 out of 5 last week-ends my BF had his kids, but that's ok, right? how would you feel if your boss said work your off week-end because someone else doesnt want to? woudl you, for no extra pay? i'm a banker, i can tell you the weak ones get taken advantage of and walked all over. you have ot stand up to yourself. all she said to him was "you'll have the kids this week-end, its your turn"...which it was NOT and it was his place to say so....if he cannot perhaps it is time to move on. i hope none of you haters ever find yourself in a similar situation, i would love to see your perception change....good luck to you all! i'm done with this site.... Sigh ...... and this is why you'll never get it. Him spending time with his children and being a father is NOT a job or a chore. Its not about his ex controling him. Its about your BF and his ex being co-parents. And, yes you are selfish for expecting him to out his kids aside for you. I am a divorced parent who is currently dating. My daughter always comes first no matter what the reason my ex has for not being able to have her on his weekends. I don't consider time with her a chore. Its a gift. You obviously cannot handle dating a man with children, so you need to end the relationship.
I love hot men. Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I'm hardly spoiled rotten or self centered or a pain in the ass. i work hard for a living, i take care of an elderly parent, i volunteer tutoring kids with reading, all i ask for is a man who will love me and be fair and perhaps if some of you were less judgemental you coudl see things from a different point of view. my man isn't about to dump me, on the contrary he wants things to work out, i tried to break up with him last week and he insisted i give him another chance. sorry to disappoint you !! I agree, that just because posters disagree with you, a lot of posters are rude to you and attack you, violating board rules of conduct.
Author candy Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 thank you!! (i love hot men too!) i just find it hard to believe how misguided, non -open mineded ,and judgemental people can be! sad...just trying to make my relationship work. i appreciate your support....
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