Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Oh my God. It's over. My marriage, my life, I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go. As I have posted in other places I just moved in with my CH who had taken a new job across the country. We were separated for some time and decided we wanted to work on our marriage. He swore I was his world and the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, as I was trying to unpack and organize things I found a big pile of random receipts lying right there on the kitchen counter. For some reason he never throws out receipts for anything. So I was sorting through them figuring out which ones need to be kept, which ones shredded, and which ones can be pitched when I came across a receipt for a pack of condoms bought while we were apart! Of course he paid cash. So I went back to his journal which is how I found out the first time and in it he once admits that there have been women - plural - since we have gotten married. In there he says that it is only sex and gratification to his self-esteem and that I am the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him, I am the only one that really means anything to him. I am beyond crushed. I feel even worse than I did when I found out about the first one. I am so STUPID. I should NEVER have taken him back. I am completely humiliated. And now I am in a strange state where I know no one, have no car, and no job. My life is over. I won't even be able to have children now because I only have a few years left for that and it takes that long to even find someone and decide you want to be together if you are lucky. I can't even pitch his stuff out onto the street because it is still mixed together in boxes with mine. I don't know what to do. I can't stand this. He was my world but he ripped, mangled, stomped, shredded, crushed my world to irreparable pieces. What do I do? Where do I go? We don't have any extra money now with the move, we have so much debt from before even. I feel so trapped and so hopeless and so alone. I am such a fool, I did this to myself. I should never have taken him back. I have no one but myself to blame. Like someone said in another post - Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Well, I am the fool.
nittygritty Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I'm sorry that your having to go through this, again. Have you already confronted him? If not, you could wait to confront him until you have a job and a better idea of how to leave this relationship. If you have already confronted him you could still not issue an ultimatum or backpedal until you have a plan.
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Lynna You are not a fool, and I absolutely hate that saying. It sucks and the victimizer is let off the hook. He lied to you. He's been begging for you to come back to him. He has issues. And it does hurt. But your life is not over, hon. I am really not good at helping the immediately hurting, but didn't want you to feel that your post wasn't being paid attention to. I would BEAT him like he stole something, myself. (Hope that made you smile. My horrible attempt at humor). (((((Lynna)))))
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Oh my God. It's over. My marriage, my life, I don't know what to do and I don't know where to go. As I have posted in other places I just moved in with my CH who had taken a new job across the country. We were separated for some time and decided we wanted to work on our marriage. He swore I was his world and the best thing that ever happened to me. Well, as I was trying to unpack and organize things I found a big pile of random receipts lying right there on the kitchen counter. For some reason he never throws out receipts for anything. So I was sorting through them figuring out which ones need to be kept, which ones shredded, and which ones can be pitched when I came across a receipt for a pack of condoms bought while we were apart! Of course he paid cash. So I went back to his journal which is how I found out the first time and in it he once admits that there have been women - plural - since we have gotten married. In there he says that it is only sex and gratification to his self-esteem and that I am the most wonderful thing that ever happened to him, I am the only one that really means anything to him. I am beyond crushed. I feel even worse than I did when I found out about the first one. I am so STUPID. I should NEVER have taken him back. I am completely humiliated. And now I am in a strange state where I know no one, have no car, and no job. My life is over. I won't even be able to have children now because I only have a few years left for that and it takes that long to even find someone and decide you want to be together if you are lucky. I can't even pitch his stuff out onto the street because it is still mixed together in boxes with mine. I don't know what to do. I can't stand this. He was my world but he ripped, mangled, stomped, shredded, crushed my world to irreparable pieces. What do I do? Where do I go? We don't have any extra money now with the move, we have so much debt from before even. I feel so trapped and so hopeless and so alone. I am such a fool, I did this to myself. I should never have taken him back. I have no one but myself to blame. Like someone said in another post - Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Well, I am the fool. OMG Lynna. I am so so sorry. Jesus, what a jerk. I don't know what to say. Do you have some place you can stay for awhile? I think you should get some of your things together and call someone, anyone ... a family member or a friend and have them come and get you asap. Is he working yet? Does he know what you found? Please leave this *sshole and don't look back. Sorry, but he's got major issues he needs to deal with. Don't waste any more time on this loser. You deserve so much better.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Thanks everyone. It helps having someone to talk to right now, I know there are no real answers. No, I have not confronted him yet. He is at work right now. I know that I have to confront him once he gets home however because I can't stand the thought of him touching me or sleeping beside me. But then again, just putting that into words again is making me cry because I can't stand the thought of NOT having him hold me and comfort me. He is my best friend. God, why? I want to scream I want to destory things, yes, I want to beat him senseless. But God, I want the man back who I thought I had, the man I loved, the man who apparently does not exist. I loved a lie, a mirage. I am trying to unpack and keep myself busy, that works for a few minutes then I come across something I bought him or something he bought me and I break down again. This sure is going to make it easy to have a BIG garage sale.
Shades of Grey Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 You are NOT stupid and you are NOT a fool. You took him back and agreed to try again based on the facts that you had. (These were if I am correct )that he made a huge mistake, had a one off affair and was desperate to save your marriage. You forgave him based on these terms. The blame is on him for not telling the truth not yourself for believing in him.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 No, I don't have anywhere to stay, I don't know anyone here for hundreds of miles, it would be days before anyone could come get me. I don't even know how to tell my family and friends now. He does have friends here though and I am torn between having him leave and go stay with people or making him sleep on the couch where I know he is not off with some woman. Though why should I care anymore whether he is, I will NOT put up with this. This is over! So I should not care where he goes or who he sleeps with. But yet I do. I don't want him to go off and get comfort from some other woman.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Calm down, Lynna. Serenity is best. It leaves the other guy wondering what you're gonna do. It looks to me as if your WH doesn't have the same commitment to fidelity that you have. Now, it could be that all his indiscretions are wrapped up together (in his mind) and he intends to make a better go of it post-reconciliation. And it could be that he's just a serial cheater with narcissistic tendencies allowing him to feel 'entitled' to do as he pleases. Either way, cheating puts your health at risk in terms of STDs. Here you are wanting to have a baby and he's exposing you to other people's cooties without your knowledge. To be honest, that's probably more than I could forgive if it were me. But... we're talking about you. So you need to be the judge of that. If you haven't been screened, make sure you do so. Some STDs are lethal of course, but others can have a negative effect on fertility. So, make sure you get a thorough exam. As far as WH goes... I can't see what else you can do but confront him with this new information and hear his side of the story. Not that there's any kind of good excuse, but his version can tell you ALOT about where his head is at. If he's the "serial cheater" type... he'll just continue to sneak around your back for as long as he knows you. That's part of the "fun" of it.... getting away with something. Serial cheaters lack true empathy, and while it IS possible for them to change, it usually requires extensive therapy and commitment on the part of the cheater. If, on the other hand, you're dealing with a mate who is lacking in coping skills on issues like depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.... these things usually respond to treatment quite readily. We're talking about guys with otherwise good character who got their head screwed on wrong for awhile. Oftentimes, a post-recovery cheater hardly even recognizes the guy he was before. He's as shocked and appalled as anyone in hindsight, and can't quite connect with his previous mindset. He's the guy who's scratching his head wondering "What was I thinking?" Anyway, my best advice to you is to NOT fly off the handle yet. Assess his character first and then make your decision. I don't like what I've read about this guy, so I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he's the narcissistic type of cheater, but you're "the man on the ground" so you make the call.
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 No, I don't have anywhere to stay, I don't know anyone here for hundreds of miles, it would be days before anyone could come get me. I don't even know how to tell my family and friends now. He does have friends here though and I am torn between having him leave and go stay with people or making him sleep on the couch where I know he is not off with some woman. Though why should I care anymore whether he is, I will NOT put up with this. This is over! So I should not care where he goes or who he sleeps with. But yet I do. I don't want him to go off and get comfort from some other woman. I know your family and friends will understand that you wanted to give him a second chance and it just didn't work out. They'll be there for you because they love you. And I know you care about him, but d*mn girl, if you're worried that he will go get comfort from some other woman again, then really, what's the point? Make him go stay with his friends or whatever and start making plans to get out of there asap. If it takes a few days ... whatever. That's his problem. F*ck him and the horse he rode in on.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Ladyjane, you described him perfectly. He has HUGE self-esteem issues. He was emotionally and physically abused by his older brother when growing up. Emotionally abused by his parents refusal to deal with his brother's actions. Emotionally abused by his teachers who thought that having asthma was just an excuse and that you were really a pussy. Girls in high school never wanted to date him, they were always asking him about his brother, yep the abusive one. He has had TONS of women to hear my H tell it. Top that off with a few serious relationships in his past where the women cheated on him, he even admitted after the first time that part of him felt like it was his turn, even though I NEVER did that to him and never would. He has suffered from black depression all his life, probably from dealing with all these issues and a few others I won't go into here. Just a week or so ago he finally made an appointment to talk to a shrink. I have been asking him to do this all the years we have known each other. Why did he have to wait so long? Why did he have to ruin my life as well as his? Why did I have to fall in love wth someone so messed up? I know his character, better than I think he does himself, I do know that there is a good man in there. But that good man has been buried under this selfish, selfish, person. I don't even know him. Yeah, therapy will probably help but that will take a VERY long time, this has been going on too long. Yeah, everything he has been through in life royally SUCKS, but does he have to punish ME for it? I have been there for him through painful surgeries, through good times and bad. I have never even jokingly insulted him because I know how much he has been through. I really AM the best thing that ever happened to him and HE destroyed that. You are right, I also don't know if I can stand/forgive the risk he put me in healthwise. He is the ONLY man I was ever with. I am disgusted, horrified, and am fighting being physically sick.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 And I know you care about him, but d*mn girl, if you're worried that he will go get comfort from some other woman again, then really, what's the point? I guess the point is, I don't want him to have someone to comfort him when I am all alone. I don't want this to be easy on him. I am not a vindictive person usually, but if I am going to be sobbing myself to sleep tonight, I don't want to be thinking about him off f***ing someone else. I can't stand the thought.
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 As far as WH goes... I can't see what else you can do but confront him with this new information and hear his side of the story. Not that there's any kind of good excuse, but his version can tell you ALOT about where his head is at. We're talking about guys with otherwise good character who got their head screwed on wrong for awhile. Anyway, my best advice to you is to NOT fly off the handle yet. Assess his character first and then make your decision. I don't like what I've read about this guy, so I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he's the narcissistic type of cheater, but you're "the man on the ground" so you make the call. Yeah, but he had a chance to come clean before and didn't. And if I remember correctly this "good character" guy is the same guy who wanted to go to a good-bye party with his xOW and the enablers at work and couldn't understand why Lynna was so upset. And when that wasn't bad enough, he was mad at her because she wouldn't do all the packing herself so he could go "have a few beers" with his friends. IDK Lynna, am I mixed up about this? If so, I apologize.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Nope, Melissa, you are right. Same guy. Great choice I made, right? Seriously screwed up man. Way too many problems of his own to even think about me, us. I let him take me for granted for too long. I need my own shrink to figure out why I let him treat me like this. They'll probably say I wanted to help him, but that he can only help himself. Well, that certainly appears to be right. He has helped himself to who knows how many women and is still so depressed that he finally called a shrink. God, what was I thinking?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Yeah, but he had a chance to come clean before and didn't. The cheater who doesn't fit the "narcissistic" character profile is desperately afraid of rocking the boat. The one who does... is still enjoying the buzz of "getting away with something". And if I remember correctly this "good character" guy is the same guy who wanted to go to a good-bye party with his xOW and the enablers at work and couldn't understand why Lynna was so upset. And when that wasn't bad enough, he was mad at her because she wouldn't do all the packing herself so he could go "have a few beers" with his friends. Yeah, I'm concerned about that too. BUT.... I don't think it tells us anything really definitive about his underlying character. The non-narcissistic type acts badly too. Extremely badly. Upon recovery, they can't even intellectually connect with their former behavior.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I know his character, better than I think he does himself, I do know that there is a good man in there. But that good man has been buried under this selfish, selfish, person. I don't even know him. You're right, you know your husband. But probably you don't know the WH. There's a duality within people like that, kind of like a split personality. Sometimes, the guy you originally fell in love with FAILS to overcome the "wayward husband" persona. Sometimes though, he wins through the struggle. But sometimes, there's no personality split at all. Sometimes, we find ourselves charmed and succumbed to the true narcissist, and we're only just discovering what was truly there all along. Yeah, therapy will probably help but that will take a VERY long time, this has been going on too long. Yeah, everything he has been through in life royally SUCKS, but does he have to punish ME for it? I have been there for him through painful surgeries, through good times and bad. I have never even jokingly insulted him because I know how much he has been through. I really AM the best thing that ever happened to him and HE destroyed that. None of this is about you. It's all about him. Internalizing it will only bring you more unnecessary pain. Try not to panic. In a crisis... you need a clear head.
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Nope, Melissa, you are right. Same guy. Great choice I made, right? Seriously screwed up man. Way too many problems of his own to even think about me, us. I let him take me for granted for too long. I need my own shrink to figure out why I let him treat me like this. They'll probably say I wanted to help him, but that he can only help himself. Well, that certainly appears to be right. He has helped himself to who knows how many women and is still so depressed that he finally called a shrink. God, what was I thinking? I'm sorry Lynna. I've upset you even more. I just think that if it was me, I wouldn't put up with anymore crap. I'm having a hard enough time trying to forgive my H for one A ... there's no friggin way I'd forgive him if I found out there was more than one. But, that's just me and I shouldn't be trying to tell you what to do. Maybe LJ is right ... calm, cool, and collected. I just can't stand to see anyone hurting because of a CS ... it's just too painful for me because I still hurt ... big time. BTW, you don't need a shrink to figure out why you trusted and believed in someone you love. If you do, then we all do because we've all been treated like sh*t by the people we love and most of us are still hanging in there ... some by a thread (me) and others who are doing pretty good. But you're right, he definitely needs a shrink ... if only to figure out why he's such a d*ck. Melissa
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Try not to panic. In a crisis... you need a clear head. Clear head, right, can anyone remind me of what that feels like??? Right now everything is swirling in there. All these boxes piled around me is not helping either. I don't have a clear ANYTHING right now! But you are right. I HAVE to deal with this with a clear head, I have a lot of choices to make, and I have a lot of planning to do to even figure out the next step. Yes, I have to breathe and focus. I can only hurt myself futher if I don't go about all this deliberately. Thanks for the reminder.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 I'm sorry Lynna. I've upset you even more. No, its okay Melissa. Those were things I was already thinking about anyway. Finding this brought back EVERYTHING else. It is like there are all these little people in my head saying what about this, what about when he did, this, when he said that. It is crowded in here. Half of them are calling me an idiot, half are screaming and shouting at him and calling him every name they can think of, and half are sobbing, yeah, I know, too many halves right? Well, it feels like too much right now so I guess that is about right.
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 No, its okay Melissa. Those were things I was already thinking about anyway. Finding this brought back EVERYTHING else. It is like there are all these little people in my head saying what about this, what about when he did, this, when he said that. It is crowded in here. Half of them are calling me an idiot, half are screaming and shouting at him and calling him every name they can think of, and half are sobbing, yeah, I know, too many halves right? Well, it feels like too much right now so I guess that is about right. I feel you. I've got all those same "little people" in my head" ... and they're saying the exact same thing to me ... still. The only difference is the "half" that are shouting at him and calling him every name in the book are saying it out loud. What are you going to do?
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 ...the "half" that are shouting at him and calling him every name in the book are saying it out loud. What are you going to do? Mine may do that tonight when he gets home, we'll see. I have no idea what I am going to do. My life has completely changed now. I have no idea what to do, or how to go about doing it since I am on my own here. I can't even borrow money from my family, they flat don't have it. So for now I will have to get the boxes unpacked and put away so that I can even find clothes to interview in. I think one of us is going to have to live in the spare room for awhile, we can't afford two rents anymore now that I don't have a job. I don't know how I am going to stand seeing him every day. I am even going to need his help to move some of the stuff around as I unpack, some of it is too big/heavy for me to move on my own. But I have to get this stuff done. I am going to look for a job anywhere in the country. I don't have any desire to live here, we only came here because of his job. I am planning to get a D, god that crushes me to say that, I can hardly say it, how am I going to be able to do it. But look what he has done to me. I know he has problems, BIG ones, and BIG issues, but he has destroyed me. How can I forgive that? I don't know. I HATE being in this position. Why did he put me here and do this to me? How could he do this and yet say hw loves me so much? Why should I have so much trouble making this decision when he had so little trouble jumping into bed with other women? God, I am not making any sense even to myself.
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 You know, the more I think about this, he is even more sick and disturbed than I originally thought. I think part of him WANTS to be caught. Why else would he ALWAYS leave evidence so blatantly? I caught him the first time because he charged the hotel on a credit card. I caught him when the first one visited him because he left the flight numbers and times sitting right on the desk, and he had a receipt lying in the pile for cigarettes, he does not smoke. Then this time I caught him again because of a receipt. And he keeps writing about all this in his journal. He is SERIOUSLY DISTURBED!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Lynna, First of all its not going to make sense right now. I'm right with you on the additional discoveries and the knowledge that HE is broken and would simply like me to live the rest of my life like that. I know what its like to wonder how could you hold me and tell me lie after lie and be just fine PRETENDING that we have a marriage. THAT's what you want for ME??? Want someone to deceive and use and believe your lies. Someone who thinks that you are so worthy that they would forgive you for the same thing over and over. Its hard to to accept that their actions speak louder than their words. I know one thing, I cannot live like this. NO ONE should have to live like this, but its what he wants for me! And for what, the privilage of being his doormat. I also have no one to turn to for emotional support or financial help. I'm so f*cking beat down that my d*mn legs don't work right and my head is dizzy all of the time. Then there are the kids, but they have been used against ME, to keep ME here. I'm with you, I don't know what I'm going to do or how in the hell I'm going to do it, but this time, its just ME and MY shadow and atleast I KNOW I can trust ME! I'm so very sorry, having the breath knocked out of you a second time is the ultimate betrayal. Someone keeps asking you to believe their lies, THATS what the want from you. ARRGGHHH! Sorry. About the job, what type of skills do you have, what area of the country are you in?
Author Lynna Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 IWWH, Thanks for the support! I am so sorry for you going through this too. Why are there so many of us out there who are in this situation? What is wrong with our society? Or are human beings not meant to be momogamous creatures? Have we all been deluding ourselves? I have a lot of education, so at this time there are a lot of things that I could do job wise, seems there are plenty of jobs out there where as long as you have a college degree you can at least get some entry level position. I am also willing to move anywhere right now, and do anything to support myself. I can always put most of my belongins in storage until I can afford to move them. Long run I would like to do something in my field of course, but that will take some time to find. I don't want to post too much here as my education and experience are somewhat unique, I am a little leary at the moment since none of my family or friends know about this yet. I want to tell them myself and not have them find out some other way.
smartgirl Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Lynna, I don't know about your Hs particular situation, but I do know that what he experienced in his youth can leave a person with some serious psychological issues that need treatment. You have to decide if you see him more as mentally ill or as a serial cheater. If you choose to give treatment a chance, which should very probably include medication, then you may be able to go forward with a "new man." I am not advocating a stay married at all costs solution. I'm just saying you don't have to kick him out this minute if you want to take some time to evaluate. He needs to see the shrink - weekly. You need to be able to meet with him and his shrink after a few sessions. Then you can make a decision based on what you hear. I don't think he did these things to hurt you -- they are about him, not you and what you do or don't give him. He is clearly a troubled man, but I don't know how willing he is to seek a cure.
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