dt311unity Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 So to make a long story short. I have been in a relationship for 3 yrs with this girl. We got engaged about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. We were waiting to get married once she finished college and things got a little less crazy. We bought a house together 2 yrs. ago. She decided one day to tell me that she wanted to move to another city. Basically I would go with her or we would break up. This made me very upset since I have very close friends and family, a successful band, and a great job where we are now. At first I told her I couldn't do it. A few days went by and I really thought about it more and decided that I would go with her because I love her so much and want to spend my life with her. She ended up holding my first decision against me for awhile. Well, she ended up not wanting to move. She has always been in a relationship since she was in high school. She is going on 22 and I will be 24 soon. She says that she needs to see what it's like to be independent and she needs to find herself. But at the same time she is afraid to let this relationship go because she knows she wants it in the future. I have never been controling and have always given her what she wanted. I guess I don't understand why she can't be independent while still in our relationship? I know she needs to make her own friends and get her own hobbies because she has basically always lived her life through me, which isn't healthy. But I don't control her in any aspect of our relationship. So we are selling our house and have broken the engagement. I am confused because she won't kiss me like she used to or make love but at night she wants to cuddle together. She still asks me to go to her parents with her and do family stuff together. It makes me happy but at the same time it is confusing me. Last night I told her I was going to move my clothes into our guest bedroom and sleep in there. I also told her that she can take full responsibility for her dog too since that is how it will be once we sell the house and get our own places. Also I told her that I need to know what she wants to do as far as talking with each other and doing stuff together. What do you think I should do in this situation? Do I just let her go and hope she comes back? Or do I try to do whatever she wants even though it hurts me inside? Any advice would be wonderful! Thanks
spookie Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 First, I gotta say that the exact situation you are in has probably been replayed millions of times amongst people in our age group. I am in the same situation you are in, but my relationship first started falling apart in this way about a year ago, and I have been seeking information since then, reading people's stories. The scenarios are almost the same. Happy relationship, compatible couple, long term potential. But, somewhere along the way, an inequality develops. One partner becomes more invested. I don't know if this is a symptom or a cause, but this either progresses into or foretells the other partner needing space, time to find themselves, time to be alone and unaccountable to anyone, needing the freedom to date other people. Some say one thing, some say the other, but the bottom line is the same. Your SO doesn't want the responsibility of the relationship anymore. They still like you, perhaps love you, but they've decided keeping you the constriction of their freedom. T It could be because they don't believe you will ever be gone, or becasue they haven't evaluated correctly how much they love you, or because they are selfish, or fell out of "love" with you, or whatever. For whatever reason, they don't want to take your best interests into consideration anymore. They want the freedom to act without thinking about you. What you have to understand, and as quickly as possible, is that that means it's over. I am sure your ex is a lovely person whom you love very much, I am sure you had some great times and you know she can be loving, sweet, etc. but if you settle for scraps from her, she will realize she CAN have their cake and eat it too. Do not let her think this way. People, by nature, do not value that which is free. You have to make her realize that her "freedom" comes with a cost: losing you. Don't be available to her unless she is willing to commit to working on the relationship with you. I recommend that you step away now, before the situation gets any worse. Give her the space and the time she needs. Give her more than she needs, so that she can realize what she wants. She needs to feel the pang of losing you, though, before she can properly process this in her mind and decide that she is ready to commit. If I were you, I would gently but firmly tell her that you respect her decision to move on and are prepared to do so yourself, but that you cannot continue to be her friend in this case because contact will impede you from progressing emotionally. Then, wish her luck and disappear. The old cliche is true. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never were. (Or something to that extent). It's going to hurt, but as you'll learn either form reading about this situation happening to other people, or from your own very painful experience, this is the only way it can be.
Krytellan Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I mean this nicely, I'm just pressed for time. You are doing the right thing. It sounds like she has gotten used to you being her doormat and is trying to get an opportunity to sew some wild oats, or something along those lines. Sheprobably thinks that she can do what she wants now and you will be there for her when she's ready, because you have been so accomodating so far. It ain't there, so don't try to make it. Move on as quickly as you can. Young women aren't always the best ones to marry.
Author dt311unity Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 I know I need to cut her off but I don't want to be a jerk about it or make her think that I am just giving up. you know?
sao2 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 In my situation I told her I thought she was doing something she would regret and that I didn't want this to end. Every situation is different, yet every situation is the same. All you can do is say that and then let it go. I also agree that at least for the time being you can't continue to be her friend anymore. In this situation she needs to feel the sting, the sting isn't a sting that you are gone. This is what they asked for. The real sting is the sting that you couldn't care less what they do anymore.
tanbark813 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 She says that she needs to see what it's like to be independent and she needs to find herself. But at the same time she is afraid to let this relationship go because she knows she wants it in the future. Translation: "I want to f**k other guys for a while but still want you to wait around for me just in case I don't find someone better." What do you think I should do in this situation? Do I just let her go and hope she comes back? Or do I try to do whatever she wants even though it hurts me inside? You figure out what you want for yourself and act upon that. If her wants/needs/desires aren't inline with your own then you're not compatible.
doiask42much Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Succinct and well put, Tanbark. Why would you do whatever she wants, especially when it hurts you, when she's not doing anything you want? Why would you even ask yourself that question? Ditch her. NOW. She asked for this. I fail to see how complying with her request makes you a jerk.
Author dt311unity Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 So I couldn't hold my ground. I ended up going to practice with my band and then going and having a beer with a couple of the guys. She ended up going out with a couple of girls from work. I got home before she did and got the bed ready in our guest bedroom. I ended up just tossing and turning for awhile. She came home and ended up coming in the room and asking me to come and sleep with her in our room. I asked her why and she said that she loves me and missed me. I told her that I didn't understand her. She said that she doesn't understand herself either. She layed next to me and said we could either both sleep in the guest room, which has no window AC and is really frickin hot or we could both go sleep in our master bedroom. So I ended up breaking down and cuddling in bed with her. I just don't get it.
Krytellan Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I just don't get it. It's because she owns you. Until that changes, nothing else will.
Author dt311unity Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 It's just hard to push her away when I know she is still figuring out what she wants to do. But at the same time I want her to realize what it will be like without me. It's just hard to push away something you love and want so much.
Chinook Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It's just hard to push her away when I know she is still figuring out what she wants to do. But at the same time I want her to realize what it will be like without me. It's just hard to push away something you love and want so much. If you want her to realise what life is like without you, then stay some place else for a few days. I'm sorry but the more you breakdown and succumb to her demands, the more hurt you are going to get. Also, I'm sorry but I don't have a good feeling about this. I see all that you are doing to keep this thing together, what about what she is doing..? How is she putting you and the relationship first...? How is she reaching out to hold you emotionally closer to her...? If she wanted to be with you, she would simply make the effort to be with you. There would not be any question over who she is or what she wants. She's simply afraid of being lonely. She knows she doesn't want you - but she's in that stupid place of not knowing exactly what or who it is that she does want. Oh, and for the record, I'm thinking there will be another guy someplace who has sparked this off...whether he's a friend or someone she passes daily on the street... I'm betting she didn't just wake up one morning thinking 'you know what, I don't think I love him anymore'. I know, because I've been there. I didn't do anything about it - but 'knowing' the other person made me realise I didn't feel for my partner the way I should and so I let him go. I couldn't take up his time and his opportunity to find someone who actually could love him way more than I could. That was 4 years ago now and now, he's very happy with a new lady and I'm very happy for him.
Krytellan Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 It's just hard to push her away when I know she is still figuring out what she wants to do. But at the same time I want her to realize what it will be like without me. It's just hard to push away something you love and want so much. But... but... but. You don't need to "but" me. It's your life that's at stake. You will or you won't, and the rest will follow.
Author dt311unity Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 So I got some answers from her over the weekend: She wants us to be together and she can't imagine being without me. She just wants both of us to do what makes us happy right now and not overly think our situation and where we will be yrs. from now. She has been hanging out with some of the girls she works with and is making some new friends which is good for her. Also she is realizing that I do not always need to be around her in order for her to be happy which is good because she has always been really needy. She has been more happy and not so down on herself because she is realizing she can do different things and not have to worry about having to be around me all the time which is what I have always encouraged her to do. I am realizing that I shouldn't be so crazy over this whole thing and that if it works out then it was meant to be and if it doesn't at least we both tried and learned something. Also I am going to stay on the bright side and not try to get down about not being engaged and not knowing if this is going to work with her. It's funny because I always wanted her to be able to do things without me and not be so needy and now that she is doing that I am having a hard time because I have gotten so used to having to be with her all the time and her needing me all the time. It's just a huge change for me but it is what I have always wanted from her. She told me that I was kind of pushing her away since I have been pretty down and not myself lately because of all this. Which made sense because why would you want to surround yourself with someone who is in that kind of mood. This weekend we talked and I kind of changed my attitude. She said it made her want to be with me even more and we actually made love which hasn't happened for about two weeks which we both enjoyed. So I'm just going to live for the moment! Thanks for all the support from different people on here. It always helps to just talk and get other perceptions of the situation.
Recommended Posts