EC Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 So I heve been having issues with my bf. I just recently posted in the dating section under he dropped a bomb on me. I should have just ended it then. So yesterday was Fourth of July and him and I and a couple of friends were hanging out at his condo. Now His brother and best friend have this 'girl friend' ( who is a total slut bag ) who hangs out with them all the time. I have always been polite whenever she would come over even though I have never really liked her. About a year ago when I broke up with my bf over other issues, the next day they were all out dancing and they were drunk and she came on to him and they hooked up. I didnt find out till later after we had gotten back together. I was SUPER upset but we were broken up and he said he was really drunk. But I still have to see here everytime she comes over and ignore the huge elephant in the room as if nothing ever happened between them. So last night we are all in a circle, she's off doing I dont know what, when his brother brought up the subject somehow I forget. Either way there a lot of people out there who didnt need to know my business. He put it out there for everyone to know. Then I was so upset I said she was a slut who jumped on anything hard, and that she should have never gone there with my bf. His brother and his best friend just sat there defending her and putting me down and going into detail about how they were both drunk and felt a sexual connection so they went for it. Like seriously wtf? So I got upset and left and went into the room. My bf who was inside at the time came in after me asking whats the matter. I explained what happened ( I admit I was yelling at this point) and he got mad at me and started defending her too. Saying that we broke up and that I had to deal with it. Instead of trying to comfort me or make it better he just screamed at me. I told him I really wanted to go home before she came back he told me to walk home. I spent the rest of the night watching the fireworks from the room while she was out there on the beach with all of them including him. He knew I had to be at work at 7:30am and he didnt leave until 11:45 PM. I didnt have anyone to call to come get me. So I sat in the back and he took me home and dropped me off. As soon as I got out of the car he just sped off. Didn't try talking, nothing. I broke down. I texted him with its over and I will pick up my stuff when I get a chance. I really loved this guy and we did have it sooo good at one point..I really just dont know when we became so ugly. It hurts so bad and I just want to call him and say forget it lets not fight anymore..but this time it's different. I can't call. and now Im feeling as if I overeacted and shouldn't have blown up but then i tell myself no I have every right to be upset. Im so miserable guys. :(
spookie Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I know it hurts like a bitch now and you are probably doubting yourself and trying to rationalize the situation somehow in order to be able to hold on to this relationship, but I have read your posts about this guy and NO ONE deserves to be treated the way he has been treating you. I'm not sure what his deal is, but it seems like he wants out for reasons completely unrelated to you (like a desire for freedom (perhaps to screw other people / be selfish without having someone to be accountable to)) and is doing everything in his power, either consciously or not, to sabotage the relationship. You just don't treat someone you want to stay with the way like this. You sound like a lovely, intelligent girl who is reasonable about her expectations and capable of having a loving relationship with the right person. Don't settle for scraps with this guy. Don't fall into the friendship trap, either... do not be prepared to wait around for him to grow up. Not only will it not work out that way, but you will cause yourself a lot of grief and he will end up losing respect for you. I am sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear, but your best option right now is to cut him out. You might feel less guilty about doing that later on (when he starts contacting you for his own selfish reasons probably unrelated to his willingness to actually work on the relationship) if you send him a short note telling him that it's apparent that he's not the right person for you and that you don't want to be friends. After that...just disappear. He has already given you more than enough reason to know that nothing good can come of this, right now. This is not how love goes. It's going to be hard because you are young and have been with him for so long, but don't doubt yourself. Reread your posts about this guy any time you feel yourself starting to question whether you made the right decision. Things may have been good with him at some point, but that doesn't mean anything now. He fails what anyone should want in a partner when it comes to the important things, like being able to compromise, sacrifice, and take your feelings into consideration, even when it means he might not get his way. Be strong.
Author EC Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 Don't fall into the friendship trap, either... do not be prepared to wait around for him to grow up. Not only will it not work out that way, but you will cause yourself a lot of grief and he will end up losing respect for you. Yes this is exactly what I feel happening between us right now. I feel that I am constantly waiting for him to admit he needs to grow up and then grow up..when in reality he does not agree with what I am saying and is losing respect for me fast. He fails what anyone should want in a partner when it comes to the important things, like being able to compromise, sacrifice, and take your feelings into consideration, even when it means he might not get his way. Exactly!!! I mean he is GREAT with a lot of things and is there for me but when the sh*t hits the fan so to speak he is not ready to compromise and put his pride aside. He is still thinking like a child ; thinking He will *lose* if he compromises. He always has to win and its never his fault and if it is his fault then its only because it was a reaction to something I did first. grrrr:rolleyes: I can't take it anymore! Be strong Im trying!
spookie Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 He wants to act like an entitled brat right now, and there is nothing you can do about it. He knows that his behavior toward you is wrong, so there is no reason for you to get involved in any kind of argument with him or to attempt to show him the light. You can't win by playing his conscience or thinking about his (and your) best interests because he's already made the decision not only to lose you, but to do it like an @$$hole. I think sometimes break-ups tell us more about people than the relationship ever did. You know his true colors now, what he is capable of, what kind of hurt he can willingly inflict, not just on a person but one he is claiming, and has some responsibility, to love. You don't want a man like that, EC. He's not trustworthy enough for you to invest your love in. It's going to take him a lot of growing up before he can have a serious relationship with anyone, and unfortunately he cannot do this with you by his side. Sad, but true. That's just how life is.
Beaches Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Saying that we broke up and that I had to deal with it. I'm pretty new to this place and your thread caught my attention. The one thing that really bothered me was the fact that your bf says you have to DEAL with it because you were broken up, to me that's just excuse for him to be ok with it in his mind. I don't think he has respect for you. Trust me NO MATTER HOW DRUNK you are would you really put yourself in that position knowing you would have a chance to get back with your love? I sure as hell wouldn't but than again, thats me! It's really a shame after 3 years all the time and effort you put into a relationship to than realize it's not going to work out. Now you have to keep in mind, though it may feel like you wasted your time with him...it's a lesson learned. I honestly don't believe in breaking up, getting back togetehr, breaking up, getting back together..I feel after the first time if it doesn't work out, it's NEVER going to work out. I hope you really get over this guy and find some type of closer, the only way a real relationship is over is if it has complete closer. You don't want to be with someone who puts you down and feels he's above you, no matter what the relationship should be 100/100! Good Luck!
tanbark813 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Sorry to hear all that, EC. It sounds like you want to leave the door open for him but if this really is the end then you should already know that the pain will eventually go away. It just needs to heal like any other wound.
madgun68 Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Leave him far, far behind.. His actions are speaking very clearly how he feels about you. If he truly loved you, what happened would not have. I know the pain is hard to deal with now, but when you're over the breakup you'll see how much better off without him you are.
dropdeadlegs Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 EC, I'm assuming this girl is "sweater girl" aka "hair girl" and as long as she has been a part of his social circle, it seems he takes her side over yours. It seems that there will be a constant tension and he is unwilling to give her up. I would honestly give up any male friend that made my BF as uncomfortable as this girl makes you (although you handle it all pretty well outwardly, still, inwardly it's killing you slowly.) You have been given a lot of advice that I would have written myself. You come off as a reasonable girl, and I know you are drop dead gorgeous. You will come out the winner in this situation and trust me when I say that you would not have been with this guy forever. I know it hurts to break up, but if you allow him to treat you as second fiddle, it will only get worse with time. You do not seem overbearing in this relationship and still you get less than you deserve. It is hard to let go of "time" with a person, but think about it as time wasted, when you could have been with someone who would put your needs and concerns ahead of a friend, and it it easier to swallow. If I had left my last husband when I SHOULD have, I might have had more than 2.5 years with the good man I am with now. He is a MUCH better match for me. Still, I suppose if I hadn't learned some of those lessons about what I DON'T want in a relationship, I might not have recognized and appreciated what I have now. There is a wonderful man out there who has been waiting for a girl like you! Here's to finding him!
Lostgurl Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 So I heve been having issues with my bf. I just recently posted in the dating section under he dropped a bomb on me. I should have just ended it then. So yesterday was Fourth of July and him and I and a couple of friends were hanging out at his condo. Now His brother and best friend have this 'girl friend' ( who is a total slut bag ) who hangs out with them all the time. I have always been polite whenever she would come over even though I have never really liked her. About a year ago when I broke up with my bf over other issues, the next day they were all out dancing and they were drunk and she came on to him and they hooked up. I didnt find out till later after we had gotten back together. I was SUPER upset but we were broken up and he said he was really drunk. But I still have to see here everytime she comes over and ignore the huge elephant in the room as if nothing ever happened between them. So last night we are all in a circle, she's off doing I dont know what, when his brother brought up the subject somehow I forget. Either way there a lot of people out there who didnt need to know my business. He put it out there for everyone to know. Then I was so upset I said she was a slut who jumped on anything hard, and that she should have never gone there with my bf. His brother and his best friend just sat there defending her and putting me down and going into detail about how they were both drunk and felt a sexual connection so they went for it. Like seriously wtf? So I got upset and left and went into the room. My bf who was inside at the time came in after me asking whats the matter. I explained what happened ( I admit I was yelling at this point) and he got mad at me and started defending her too. Saying that we broke up and that I had to deal with it. Instead of trying to comfort me or make it better he just screamed at me. I told him I really wanted to go home before she came back he told me to walk home. I spent the rest of the night watching the fireworks from the room while she was out there on the beach with all of them including him. He knew I had to be at work at 7:30am and he didnt leave until 11:45 PM. I didnt have anyone to call to come get me. So I sat in the back and he took me home and dropped me off. As soon as I got out of the car he just sped off. Didn't try talking, nothing. I broke down. I texted him with its over and I will pick up my stuff when I get a chance. I really loved this guy and we did have it sooo good at one point..I really just dont know when we became so ugly. It hurts so bad and I just want to call him and say forget it lets not fight anymore..but this time it's different. I can't call. and now Im feeling as if I overeacted and shouldn't have blown up but then i tell myself no I have every right to be upset. Im so miserable guys. :( EC, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that whole ugly scene . I cannot believe that they defended her for what she did, or that he still hangs out with her after they slept together. ~ That is so not right. He's not treating you the way you deserve to be treated, and he certianly should have owned up that they crossed lines that they shouldn't have crossed! Regardless of whether you two were broken up, the elephant that you speak of, should NOT have been there for you to put up with. You are right in feeling the way you do about her being around. That IMO is too much to deal with. This, in addition, to him being completley inconsiderate and selfish about him uninviting you to Amsterdam, and then not telling you about him leaving for 6 months. Honey, you can do soooo much better than this guy. I think that you did the right thing in breaking up with him. Stay strong ok?
Recommended Posts