Maria33 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Okay, I need help. I have a problem that's probably caused by not dating for over 20 years. I was a teenager then. This is what happens. I meet a guy, I'm interested, he's interested, we exchange numbers, we go out, then they just stop calling for no reason. Sometimes this takes a week sometimes a few weeks. I'm left to wonder what happened. Did I say something wrong? Did they just decide I wasn't what they thought? Did they get in a car accident & they're in the hospital? The way I deal with it is not the right way, I know that. I'll call, leave a message, or text 1 or 2 or 3 times over the course of a few days. Nothing obnoxious, just "how's your day going", or something like that. Of course with no response. I'm left feeling depressed and wondering what is wrong with me? I think I have "relationship" stamped on my forehead. I get caught up in having someone to talk to and go out with and I can't seem to hide the fact that I actually like them. Why do we have to do that? I don't know how to play the game at all. I'm just being my self and being honest. Please give me some ideas that I might actually be able to follow.
high_boost Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 maybe your making yourself to avalable to quickly? are you having sex with them in the short period your dating them or have you been making them wait? are you one of those women who get all bubble gummie, and dorky and clingy in the first few dates??? you gotta shed some light on the patterns you go through with these people before anyone can tell you what your doing wrong. wearing too much make-up?? dressing too hookerish??
Steveto Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 This happens to you on more than one occassion? I have only had this once and I hated it. I think that maybe part of it is because of you and part of it is the guys you attract or you are attracted to..could be? I've also been out of the dating scene for a while (6 years)..You also overanalyse like me..9/10 they just don't have you in their top priorities. Maybe they already have a billion things on their plate before you came into their life and well, they just don't think of you as you would like them to...I have had to come to terms with that..it sucks, but you do no good to yourself worrying..you gotta move on with your life....go on other dates..hopefully the next will be better.
Poboy Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 nothing is wrong with you but actually with the people you dated for not being honest and coming out n let you know why it didnt work out for them so that you could get to know if you are doing something wrong or not. it happened to me once and i confronted her as to why she didnt let me know. her reply was 'its asumed that if i dont contact you , im not interested' . from your post , im guessing you must be in 30 / 40 ... dating then is a tough scene. its just that you havent met the right kind of guy , continue dating and you will find him. and in the future , if something doesnt work out , try to ask the guy what went wrong . their reply would be im not interested but try to get a bit of more information out if something you did ticked them off if you can.
JulieJ Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 It doesn't seem like there is anything wrong with what you are doing. It seems like you are going out with a lot of men, so I'm wondering how you are meeting them. Are you doing online dating and meeting a lot of men that way? My only point is that you seem to be seeing a lot of people and you can't expect every one to be a perfect fit or to work out. If you're just seeing them for a few weeks, that amounts to just a handful of dates, right? Sometimes this is the amount of time it takes to figure out whether or not two people are a match because people on their very best behavior for at least the first 3 dates. It seems like these men are simply realizing that the two of you aren't a match. Do you think that you were a great match with everyone of these men? Maybe it just takes you a little longer to make up your mind about someone.
Author Maria33 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 nothing is wrong with you but actually with the people you dated for not being honest and coming out n let you know why it didnt work out for them so that you could get to know if you are doing something wrong or not. it happened to me once and i confronted her as to why she didnt let me know. her reply was 'its asumed that if i dont contact you , im not interested' . from your post , im guessing you must be in 30 / 40 ... dating then is a tough scene. its just that you havent met the right kind of guy , continue dating and you will find him. and in the future , if something doesnt work out , try to ask the guy what went wrong . their reply would be im not interested but try to get a bit of more information out if something you did ticked them off if you can. I try to do this. For example, I met a guy a few weeks ago. We've talked on the phone & hung out several nights. Sunday, he said he'd call Monday, he didn't. Haven't heard from him since. I tried texting him just to say how are you doing. Then, finally yesterday, I sent one saying basically, what's wrong. No response. He seemed comfortable texting me, that's why I tried that verse calling him. Then I'm left to wonder, did I say something weird or something? I'm not expecting to be in love in a few weeks but I'm willing to give people a chance and see if we get along or not. Maybe I'm too accepting. Most of the guys I have met were at a neighborhood bar. I feel safe there because I have friends there. So, I hang out and sometimes meet guys. The one I just met, we've actually known each other for several months. He's the one who approached me and told me he was interested in me. I just wanted to get to know each other and see where it would go. Then he just disappears. Maybe his phone is broken? I really try to give them the benefit of the doubt. No, I'm not having sex with them. I learned that one from 2 mistakes. The guys haven't pushed the issue though so I know that's not the reason. That makes it REALLY hard to deal with the rejection. Because then you feel used on top of everything else. I don't dress trampy. The guys that I have met tell me that I'm sweet. Is sweet a bad thing? Apparently it is.
Poboy Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 i know its sad but nowdays people just leave without any explanation or whatever as to why it didnt work out or whatever. from what you have said , looks like the guys are getting bored while dating you. if you are just dating the guys down at the bar , they are mostly looking for sex rather serious stuff. you need to rethink your dating strategies... location , right kind of guys and keeping the dates interesting & lively. also , dont put too much pressure on yourself. just some small changes and someone great will come along in due time... might take a couple of hit n misses but that how dating is nowdays anyway. also at your age its tougher so have patience. good luck.
Leadnfllw Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 I can only state my observations, I personally always let her know and don't just stop picking up my phone, but some guys I know do it to girls all the time. Here are the three main reasons according to them. 1) She is coming off as too clingy right away. 2) They are not attracted to her. 3) They feel is it will take forever to have sex with her and they don't want to put in the effort. Now keep in mind these are guys around 25 so it may change as people get older. But my opinion is don't change your behavior because eventually you'll find a guy who likes you for you. Define your goals and go man catching in areas where you will find guys most suited to your relationship goals.
StayClose Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 This is very difficult to diagnose over a message board. It may be something about your appearance (hair, wieght, makeup, clothes), body/breath oder, your behavoir on dates or on the phone, they way you deal with men, information you reveal about yourself or not reveal. Here's an interesting idea... do you know a married man who sems honest and knowledgeable about male-female relationships (sort of like many of the guys on LS, except you know him in person and can better assess your looks, body language, etc)? I'm suggesting a married man so he won't feel "on the spot" to start a relationship with you and may be more likely to give honest feedback, Describe your difficulties and tell him you want a brutally honest assesment and suggestions for making yourself more "relationship worthy."
Author Maria33 Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 1) She is coming off as too clingy right away. Okay, what does this mean? Calling too much, hanging around them when you're out together,trying to hug them, what? 2) They are not attracted to her. Would you tell someone that you are interested in them if you didn't find them attractive? This guy in particular has been flirting with me for months. I just hadn't really talked to him, when I did, I thought he was cute and funny and a nice guy. So, I started liking him. 3) They feel is it will take forever to have sex with her and they don't want to put in the effort. I guess this is a possibility. If a guy isn't looking for a relationship, then isn't he just looking for some girl to have sex with? I try not to get too physical too fast because I've been burned before. But, I'm not a prude either. I flirt back and when sex comes up I don't shy away from the subject. I just try to let them know, I will, I just don't want to be a one nighter. I would like some kind of commitment, at least that they wouldn't be having sex with other women. That just isn't safe anymore. Is that too much to ask for? Honestly, I think it's the clingy part I have trouble with. I just don't know how to act. I was 16 when I last dated. That's the way you act when you're 16. What are you suppose to do? Other than play games? Thanks a lot for everybody's ideas. You guys are great at making me see different aspects of what's going on.
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