veryverysadgirl Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 we've been in a trial separation for two and a half weeks. he needed space. no, there's no one else. don't suggest it because i'm sure. (sorry to be abrupt - it's something i'm sure of and i don't need anyone suggesting it and giving me more anxiety than i already have.) he's my high school sweetheart, and we grew up together. apparently, we got too codependent and he didn't grow as much as i thought. so now he's being very selfish and "finding himself." by being away from me. today, i told him some of my own feelings. this whole thing is partly his fault and partly mine. but damnit, SOMETIMES i should get to have a say in this. it's my life, too. well, he doesn't think so. he thinks he gets to be selfish and decide what's best for him and he's too "fragile" to really hear much out of me. i didn't realize how fragile until he got all frustrated at my own discussions (which he interprets as pressure, but i feel very sure that's his own guilt guiding him). he had a tantrum, beat his water bottle against the wall, smashed his sunglasses under his feet, and made to leave. i caught him at his truck and said i was sorry for not stopping the conversation earlier. and i was resentful that i'm the one always apologizing while he finds himself. i'm on eggshells around this manchild. well, we hugged and he left. i told him i didn't feel safe (i don't - i would rather just take all my ambien than deal with this). he said he didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it and he loves me and i should call a friend. anyway, i'm at a loss. i'm tired of keeping my mouth shut so he won't have a tantrum. and i'm tired of waiting for him to grow up. i'm tired of this separation. i want my old husband back. my best friend, my love. i'm sick of this manchild who is currently living with his parents and going to parties with coworkers. what do i do? just start getting over it? HOW do you get over the absolute loneliness and sense of loss? i love him SO MUCH. we've been best friends for 13 years!!!! there's a huge hole in my life and i'm so sad. i've been as patient and understanding as i can, but it seems the more room i give him, the farther away he goes. i'm tired of hurting. i don't want to give up, but i feel like i'm beating a dead horse. but how on earth can i get past this horrible, wrenching pain?!
Lizzie60 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 He wants 'space' well lock him outside... LOL Sorry but, when, after 13 years, you need a 'trial separation' ...it's bad news... it doesn't look good. and "finding himself." by being away from me. This is weird... why can't he find himself with you around... smells like he's into something... I know you don't think there is someone else...maybe not... NOW but he might be thinking about it... This is speculation but maybe something happened and made him think 'what's on the other side'... 'is the grass greener'... etc. I never believe in 'trial separation' ...if something is going wrong... then BOTH partners have to work at the problem... TOGETHER. I just find it strange that all of a sudden he wants to 'find himself'...
Author veryverysadgirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 he had been lying to himself and to me about some parts of himself. and it finally all came out in october when he had some coworkers he felt he actually COULD tell those things to. and when they understood and didn't judge him, he decided it wasn't so bad to be himself. DUH. well, he thought i couldn't handle it all these years. and when he finally told me, we went into counseling. and then the counselor saw just him (saying he was "dysfunctional" and needed solo counseling). he said he's not emotionally able to feel things for others right now. why is he so fragile? what is going on? why is he being so immature? i feel so betrayed, too. i would NEVER just leave our marriage to find myself. i would seek help from him, my best friend. and he chose to leave. he said he'd been unhappy for months. true, we had problems. we were slowly working through them. it wasn't fast enough for him. so he left. i'm rambling. i 'm so miserable. how do people freaking live through this? i never thought it would happen to US. we were best friends, and i thought he just adored me. and his awful therapist said he needs to be selfish and find his own happiness. and if i fit into it later, cool. what do i do until he figures himself out? i'm in limbo. yea, i'm in counseling and working on me, but am i in the middle of a divorce? am i in the middle of an awful part of marriage? he's not very invested at all in this. he still loves me and tells me so, and is helping me move (we were in the middle of mvoing to a new apartment). he still calls the new place "our" place. but then he just had this awful tantrum . and i know in his head it's because of all the pressure and misery between us. he's living away from me to "heal" from all the pain from our relationship. what if he never comes back? i really just feel like dying. obviously, i'm not gonna since i'm still here typing. but i just wish i didn't exist. this is hell. absolute hell. he means so much to me. and at the same time, i'm so mad at him for walking out. i don't know which way is up or what to feel or how to move forward. i'm in limbo and am miserable.
Lizzie60 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I've always said that there are more 'bad' counsellors than good ones. Almost everyone can be a therapist... I mean it. He seems, from your post, to have big problems... and maybe his counsellor told him things that even '****ed' his head even more... I know you feel miserable but to be honest with you, right now, all you can do, is let him know you're there for him...and give him some time to figure this out... but 'by time', he also has to be realistic about it...you ARE there and you're not going to wait on his little person all your life... Just leave him alone for now... keep your eyes wide open for clues... This is not easy, since we have no clue what the problem is... I know you feel so powerless but only time will tell. Good luck!
quiet1one1 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 how do people freaking live through this? i really just feel like dying. obviously, i'm not gonna since i'm still here typing. but i just wish i didn't exist. VVSG, People DO get through this, I'm one of them. I felt just like you. It's hard at first but you WILL get through it. What has happened in your life that you are so dependent on this other person to make you feel whole? Stop it already! You are good, you are special, and you are important ~ not because of HIM or any other human being. You must get out from under this. Re-unite with old friends, lean on family, go back to church, join a gym, anything. There is more out there....
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