spunkyteach Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I met the man of my dreams in Feb. I knew the moment he hugged me it was it. It is the fairy tale I've always wanted. But now, as we are getting ready to move in together I am finding things from his past. Nude photos of ex's not only in print but saved on his computer. Pics of other girls he's met and chatted with on his computer. Art work that ex's have made him still decorate his house, CDs and love notes the girls have gave him. He had been single for two years before me. He dated off and on but no real "girlfriend" we've talked about getting married (I am the one to initiate it) and he says he wants to have a life and a family with me. What I don't get is why he still has all of this in his house and car and what not. He says he doesn't talk to any of his ex's anymore but he still has one of their parent's numbers in his phone. He said when we move into our new house he will get rid of the artwork and things. (I don't know why we have to wait till we move) and he said he'd delete the pics of the one girl from his computer but he didn't (so I did) and he said he thought the nude photos were destroyed but they werent so I took care of that too (altho he has them backed up on a CD). I guess I know I love him and he loves me but it just seems his past keeps coming up and I can't deal with it. If we are together forever why does he need the other crap? Any help appreciated...thanks so much...
jcster Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 ...he said he'd delete the pics of the one girl from his computer but he didn't (so I did) and he said he thought the nude photos were destroyed but they werent so I took care of that too (altho he has them backed up on a CD). Whoa! Despite the "fairy tale" people have pasts. They often have complicated relationships with the people from those pasts. It sounds like your boyfriend has the ability to assimilate past and present, and that's often a good thing. I can understand feeling uncomfortable with that, but it's something that we all need to learn to live with. BUT! You went onto his computer and deleted his images? And you destroyed his photos! I would consider that a violation of trust above and beyond owning a few mementos of past lovers. You really need to get a hold of yourself, or you are going to "take care" of the relationship far past any repair!
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I agree with JC, but something else concerns me. How long was it between the conversation you had with him when he said he'd delete them himself and the time when YOU deleted them? Did you give it any time? I'm concerned that he said he'd do something and then didn't. That could be a bad sign.
Hestia Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 you met him 5 months ago and you already think in marrying him? isnt that a little too soon? anyway, i understand your concerns very well. i would be pissed if my boyfriend kept photos of his ex's or love notes etc and specially if he had no intentions of hidding it from me. i think its rude and disrespectful. if you told him it makes you unconfortable, the very least he can do is to get rid of it all.
Touche Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I don't know Hestia. I don't think it's rude and disrespectful to have those things in and of itself. But the OP has made it clear that it bothers her and that's what matters. My H still has pics of old g/f's and it just doesn't bother me. I've never asked him to get rid of them. He has his old wedding photos too. There again, just doesn't bother me. As far as talking about marriage at this stage, well my H and I were engaged after 4 weeks of knowing each other. We married seven months after that and that was 12 years ago. So one can't really put a time-frame on such things.
orangehose Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Have to agree with Touche here - don't think having those souvenirs is bad in itself (though naked pictures are bothersome), but saying you're going to get rid of something and not doing it is. Though even that isn't a HUGE problem in and of itself... maybe he didn't get around to it yet. This issue of items from the past can be a little difficult - keeping stuff doesn't seem wrong in and of itself (certainly not say, having an ex's parent's phone number still programmed in your cell - maybe you just happened to hit it off with an ex's parent or something) UNLESS it's obvious and obviously uncomfortable. Like, if he were recently or regularly calling an ex's parent to know about her whereabouts, then yeah, that's suspicious. It's weird though. Two female friends of mine were involved with guys who kept / had pictures of their exes in prominent places (like the mantle, or on a desk) and did not remove them for the duration of their relationships. I think that's wrong or troublesome for obvious reasons.
electric_sheep Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Honestly, I think to a certain degree you are way out of line here, and I think his actions (or rather inactions), are perfectly understandable. He obviously cares about you a lot, and didn't want to fight with you over it, even though you are being unreasonable. You probably didn't confront him with all this in a manner in which he felt safe talking to you about it. As is often the case in such scenarios, he acted passive aggresively to avoid conflict, by postponing and procrastinating. I mean, look, people have pasts. My girlfriend told me once, in one of her more unromantic moments, that I was part of her continuum of lovers, and I think this is true for everyone, whether or not we want to think about it or not. We can't expect our SO's to just erase the past. That would be pathological. Besides, getting rid of the evidence doesn't change the reality anyway. You can't change his memories or his thoughts or his feelings. If it was EASY for him to just callously throw away all these momentoes from his previous relationships, without a thought, now that would truly worry me. The only person who could do that is someone who is dead inside. You are suffering from what is called retroactive jealousy. You're not the only one, but I sense from your tone that you feel completely justified with your feelings, when actually you shouldn't be. I can understand you not wanting the constant reminders. Why not go back to him, and explain all this to him. Explain how it makes you feel insecure and threatened seeing all this stuff. Ask him nicely if he will get rid of this stuff, if he doesn't mind doing so, or at the least put it somewhere where you won't see it. You may find that such an approach will work far better. BTW, this is something I know a little about. My g/f had (has) a sex tape of herself and her last boyfriend. I never even asked her to get rid of it, but she told me the other day that she destroyed it, cutting it up into little pieces (we wanted to watch a movie, and I jokingly suggested we should pop it on and watch it). For me, it doesn't even matter if she really did this or not, the message is the same... I'm with you now. If she only cut it up in her mind, that's fine with me.
electric_sheep Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 It's weird though. Two female friends of mine were involved with guys who kept / had pictures of their exes in prominent places (like the mantle, or on a desk) and did not remove them for the duration of their relationships. I think that's wrong or troublesome for obvious reasons. I agree. I mean, I think it would be sort of weird if someone DIDN'T have any pics of their ex. That would be strange indeed. But, as for having them sitting out all the time, or displaying them around the place... that's rude and insensitive. I don't think that's what was going on here though. If I went digging through all my g/f's drawers or looking on her computer, it's no telling what I'd find. She is an artist and a writer, so surely I'd find all sorts of stories, journal entries, photos, etc... It only makes since. I don't think I have any right in asking her to eradicate all this from her life. And as for displaying artwork, or other things of that nature, I really don't think there is anything wrong with that, so long as it's not obviously sexual or romantic in nature. I mean, if the mere sight of a piece of artwork made by an ex is driving you nuts, then I think you've got Retro-jealousy issues at that point. That's just being a little too insecure. But still, I see nothing wrong with asking him if he doesn't mind taking it down. I just see something wrong with demanding it.
Hestia Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 i dont know. but i cant believe im the only one feeling insecure if my boyfriend told me that he would delete his ex's pictures and didnt. or if he gave himself the trouble to make a backup Cd with naked pictures of ex's. it would bother me.
annabelle75 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 i dont know. but i cant believe im the only one feeling insecure if my boyfriend told me that he would delete his ex's pictures and didnt. or if he gave himself the trouble to make a backup Cd with naked pictures of ex's. it would bother me. or maybe he just forgot to do it. would you get all bent out of shape if he forgot to throw out the trash when he said he would? to him it probably is no different than that. i personally don't think he should have to get rid of all his stuff from ex-girlfriends. i keep stuff that my exes have given me. if a man ever told me i needed to get rid of it all, i would tell him to get over himself. if he couldn't handle the fact that i had a life before meeting him, than i wouldn't want to have to deal with his obvious jealousy issues in the future.
Recommended Posts