chichigirl Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I will never understand why a married women who find that their husbands are cheating on them would want to stay with them. I read a lot about how the MM never really loved the OW but he really loves his wife. If he loves her so much why would he cheat in the first place? It is not always about sex either. Of course when the affair is found out most MM are going to going crawling back to their wives because the wives have them by the balls, thats not love. A wife can screw up a MM life for a long time. Thats a lot to think about for a MM. Thats I think every situation is different but the fact is a lot of MM do not feel a connection with their wives and therefore they cheat. You know they are not happy on some level but yet the spouse feels like they have won in the end because she got her/him back but for what reason? And for the ones who have men who get found out and then a month later go back to the OW, what are you thinking? Obviously there is something there that is making them go back to the same women they cheated on you with. I don't understand the thought process of some women, I just don't. You want to stay with a man who is obviously not 100% happy with you?
EnigmasMuse Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Which are you? The wife or the OW? Hard to say why people do what they do. Many people probably have lots of reasons or justifications for their situations. Not that it makes it right.
child_of_isis Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 She is an OW. To the OP...usually the W doesn't "get" the H back. He usually begs until she takes him back. Call the W of your MM and tell her what is going on. He'll drop to his knees as soon as she shows him to the door. In all probabilities, he'll call you every name in the book during the begging process.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Which are you? The wife or the OW? OW. She's got a few posts under her belt, but even if she didn't... wives don't usually have to ask this question. It's a mistake, OP, to believe that every man who cheats bears no love for his wife. Some cheat because they are unfulfilled at home, that's true. But some cheat just because they can. Most often it's not about what's going on in their lives externally. It's about what's going on inside their heads.
Author chichigirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 She is an OW. To the OP...usually the W doesn't "get" the H back. He usually begs until she takes him back. Call the W of your MM and tell her what is going on. He'll drop to his knees as soon as she shows him to the door. In all probabilities, he'll call you every name in the book during the begging process. Like I said because the wife has him by the balls and of course he is going to beg b/c he knows you will screw him in any way possible. Its the truth and you know it.
Author chichigirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 regardless if I am the OW or the wife I would never want to stay with a man who loves someone else. Love is very broad word, you can love your kids like you love your wife. I am not denying that men don't "love" their wives on some level but its all not the same. You grow apart or you get married very young, people don't change?
Lynna Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 My H admitted that his A was because a VERY young, attractive girl came on to him. He is older, has never had high self-esteem, has never been pursued by many women, and he is human. He made a mistake. Yes, a grevious, gut-wrenching mistake, but he did not set out to deliberately hurt me. I know that he did not have an A because he does not love me. During our separation period, he was even more miserable than me. Mostly the A happened because he does not love himself. He is now seeking individual counseling and we going to MC to be sure that all the issues are resolved and to ensure this NEVER happens again. I KNOW that he never stopped loving me through the A. I chose to stay with my H because I love him and I am not willing to give up the life I have vested in him and my marriage. It is my marriage and my life, I am not going to give that up easily. There are plenty of people who have A who do it for reasons that have more to do with their own personal issues than anything to do with their spouse. Sure, there are plenty who have A who are unhappy in their marriage too - those are the ones who don't reconcile. There are lots of reasons for the A, for reconciliations, and for break-ups. Everyone and every situation is different.
child_of_isis Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 ike I said because the wife has him by the balls and of course he is going to beg b/c he knows you will screw him in any way possible. The more likely scenario is she just wants the loser out of her life. But, there are probably children involved. Of course he will play the mommy card. And of course he will tell you differently...that she is the one using the children. Of course she will go for child support, the home and 1/2 of the marital assests. She will have to. Children are expensive. Trust me...mine is 20 and in college. She is still costing a good chunk of change. Unless of course you just expect the W to give to the OW what rightfully belongs to her children? Not gonna happen. Mother's do not operate that way. Get in the way of a mother and her children and bad stuff is going to happen.
Author chichigirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 The more likely scenario is she just wants the loser out of her life. But, there are probably children involved. Of course he will play the mommy card. And of course he will tell you differently...that she is the one using the children. Of course she will go for child support, the home and 1/2 of the marital assests. She will have to. Children are expensive. Trust me...mine is 20 and in college. She is still costing a good chunk of change. Unless of course you just expect the W to give to the OW what rightfully belongs to her children? Not gonna happen. Mother's do not operate that way. Get in the way of a mother and her children and bad stuff is going to happen. All I did was ask a simple question and I get every other answer to questions I didn't ask. The question that I asked has nothing to do with my current situation because honestly mine is absolutely fine for the time being. The last time I posted about my situation was only a small piece of what really is going on with him. I understand being a mommy and a wife, we took vows blah blah blah. Women automatically start saying oh he would trash talk you in a second OF COURSE HE WOULD !!! I am not stupid, everything a guy works for and has would go down the drain but the truth is its not going to stop him from going back to her or someone else. Most of the reason why men will admit they did something wrong and they are sorry is because they got caught and are not willing to give up everything they have. So again my question is why would someone stay with a man or a woman that they were not in love with completely. Like I said this has nothing to do with me, I am just curious.
Star Gazer Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Why does the W stay with a straying H? Well, in part because marriage is a commitment. Just because the cheating H broke his commitment of fidelity does not mean the W should automatically break her commitment of seeing each other through good times and bad. All situations are different. Chichi - you say, " I would never want to stay with a man who loves someone else..." Then why are you an OW? The proof is in the pudding - he loves his wife, hence the reason he's married to HER, and spending this holiday with her, and not YOU.
Lynna Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Then chichigirl, your question should be directed toward the cheating spouse. If the betrayed spouse stays in the marriage they undoubtedly still love the cheater, despite the A. They were the ones who thought everything was fine in the marriage to begin with after all. They never stopped loving their spouse. The cheater however is a different story, if they entered the A because they no longer felt the same love for their spouse, then why do they bother to stay in the marriage? Why don't THEY leave? Seems to me that again they are likely staying because they DO love their spouse and there are just other issues that led them to the A.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 So again my question is why would someone stay with a man or a woman that they were not in love with completely. Frankly, I don't know anyone who would. That's the part that OW's so frequently don't understand.... that the MM usually does have feelings for his wife. Love isn't all or nothing. It doesn't have to be "completely" fulfilling in order to have merit. Love isn't the candy-coated thing some folks seem to believe it is.
Author chichigirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Why does the W stay with a straying H? Well, in part because marriage is a commitment. Just because the cheating H broke his commitment of fidelity does not mean the W should automatically break her commitment of seeing each other through good times and bad. All situations are different. Chichi - you say, " I would never want to stay with a man who loves someone else..." Then why are you an OW? The proof is in the pudding - he loves his wife, hence the reason he's married to HER, and spending this holiday with her, and not YOU. He "loves" his wife because he made a vow to her to love her forever. As much as it may be "morally" wrong to have an affair vows are just words. Its funny how religious everyone becomes when it comes to marriage vows but dont live a moral life otherwise. I am not trying to start a fight with anyone or justify my relationship. The fact is between him and I we have a bond. He is with her because he is married to her thats why. The truth is had we met before he got married he never would have married her. Go and say no thats not true, you are not in my life nor his. I have to tell you that I never ask about their relationship b/c of course I feel guilt sometimes. He has been married for 5 yrs and is not happy but as he puts it "comfortable" I am not sitting here waiting for him to come to me because i am with someone and have been for years. Our timing was off, plain and simple, you can argue me down until the cows come home but its the truth. Anyway I will be back later because I have to go spend the 4th of July with my family and man. Have a good 4th everyone
child_of_isis Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I think maybe this is the whole point. Maybe those who have not been in a long term committed R do not grasp what real love is. Therefore mistaking all sorts of things for love. Love isn't the candy-coated thing some folks seem to believe it is.
Curmudgeon Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 So again my question is why would someone stay with a man or a woman that they were not in love with completely. Like I said this has nothing to do with me, I am just curious. There are as many reasons as there are people in those situations -- love, comfort, habit, children, finances, home, reputation, vows, commitment, guilt, fear, remorse -- need I go on? In reality, some do leave and then marry their OW thinking they're really in love with their side piece. Then the reality of maintaining a home with them, seeing them openly and daily, wracking up and paying bills with them, learning about them in a more "normal" setting all kicks in and they most often find that the excitement and stimulation of "forbidden love" are no longer there. Those marriages last, on average, two years or less. Of course there are exceptions but they are just that, exceptions, and rare ones at that.
Author chichigirl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Then chichigirl, your question should be directed toward the cheating spouse. If the betrayed spouse stays in the marriage they undoubtedly still love the cheater, despite the A. They were the ones who thought everything was fine in the marriage to begin with after all. They never stopped loving their spouse. The cheater however is a different story, if they entered the A because they no longer felt the same love for their spouse, then why do they bother to stay in the marriage? Why don't THEY leave? Seems to me that again they are likely staying because they DO love their spouse and there are just other issues that led them to the A. I think in a lot of cases they don't want to lose everything they have worked for in life, a house, their salary and kids. Nevermind the fact that it would tarnish their image with everyone around them. Thats a lot to think about. The wife always wins in the end. I know a lot of people both men and women who are in these kinds of situations. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I have a female friend who was married for quite sometime to a really nice guy but ultimately she was in love with another man from her past and they had an affair for 2 yrs (he was married as well) When the **** hit the fan she left her H because she was not in love with him and her H told her he would never want to stand in the way of true love. That he saw the glow on her face that she never had with him. Her H even talked to the MM about them and he told her I know that he loves you and I want you to be happy. Yeh she got lucky and her H until this day have a great friendship but she did not love him anymore. The thing is the MM didn't leave his wife, hmmm why? because he would lose his house, his money and his kid. They are still together but he is miserable, nothing ever changed from all these years. Don't try to say its because he loves his wife, he doesnt. His wife even admitted to my friend that neither one of them love each other its because of the kid they stay together. Why live a miserable life like that? [/sIZE][/FONT]
Curmudgeon Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Why live a miserable life like that? Children can be the WORST reason to stay together. I know. I did it for about 12 years but WITHOUT having an affair.
NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Is this just the week for this asinine question? It will never be answered to anyone's satisfaction. People do what they want to do. Cheat. Stay. Leave. Who are we to question another's reasons for what they do? Is this another way for the OP to prove that they are somehow better than the "cheated on" because they are the "cheated with"? The more this question gets asked, the more I am convinced that the OP (asking the question) doesn't love the MP either. They are more in love with the special feelings they get of being the "chosen" than anything else. Otherwise, why keep asking this question? This question is usually asked by the OP that go ballistic when the A is over and they get tossed under a bus.
Lynna Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Staying together for the children helps no one. The children know it is a sham. They grow up not having a clue about what a true loving relationship is like. Trust me, I have friends who were raised in that kind of situation, and I have seen them have relationship issues of their own. People who stay together so the children are not raised in a broken home are deluding themselves and hurting their children in the long run. The home is ALREADY broken if the love is no longer there. The wife does not always win in the end. If she gets a D with a cheating spouse she has lost her H, her love, her ability to trust, her hopes and dreams for the future with this man, her marriage, etc. Her life is irrevocably changed, through his actions. That is not winning. As for the cheating spouse's image being tarnished - a cheating spouse can get a D without going into all the gory details. Heck, I am sure they could even do it without the betrayed spouse ever knowing they were cheating if they did it right. But they will only get the D if they are truly unhappy in their marriage. And if they are that concerned about their image they should have never cheated in the first place, because more than likely SOMEONE out there knows about it.
norajane Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I am not sitting here waiting for him to come to me because i am with someone and have been for years. Anyway I will be back later because I have to go spend the 4th of July with my family and man. Have a good 4th everyone Well, why don't you ask YOUR man why he stays with a cheater?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Well, why don't you ask YOUR man why he stays with a cheater? God help me.... I love this place!!! :lmao: Where else but LS can you 'people-watch' with such exquisite attention to detail?
IWALH Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Wasn't this same question JUST asked to this community and the OW community last night?? What happened to those posts? Anyway, this question is just beating a dead horse. Who cares?? It's not your life, it's theirs.
FireandIce Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Well, why don't you ask YOUR man why he stays with a cheater? Or perhaps she should ask herself why she's staying with her "man" while having an affair with another. Obviously she doesn't love this "man" of hers because according to her own words if someone is having an affair it's only because they don't love their spouse.
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Obviously she doesn't love this "man" of hers because according to her own words if someone is having an affair it's only because they don't love their spouse. Projection. Plain and simple. Since she doesn't love her H, she assumes all cheaters hate the betrayed. So she wonders why stay with someone that doesn't love you. Don't ask her. Ask her H.
Seen_It_All Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 regardless if I am the OW or the wife I would never want to stay with a man who loves someone else.Isn't that what you're doing right NOW? Staying with some scumbag cheating LIAR who doesn't want to leave his wife but wants to PLAY with you on the side? You need to stop posting - you're leaking IGNORANT all over the board.
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