mrsql Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Hi Yesterday my wife confirmed that she wants a trial seperation. It really hurts me and our realationship is going really sour but I just didn't expect it. We have been married for only 4 years. We first about 6 years ago and fell for each other immediately, but only after 3 months she got pregant with my first son and thing kinda went downword sprial for there, I was so scared being only 22 and only knowing her for 3 months, we talked and she told me I could leave and there would be no hard feelings, but I decided to stay. During her pregancy she was really sick and because she didn't feel good she treated me very badly, but I dealt with it, from there that bad feeling started to build. We lived together for about 2 years and thought about marriage but didn't think that a paper that said we were married was important. She decided that she wanted another child, I was very unsure about it and didn't really want it, but it was something that she really wanted. I decided that if we get married then we will have another child, and we did. Since the honey moon we argued and fought, never seemed to get along for very long. Times before fights got shorter and the fights got worse. I really started having bad feelings agaist her, I lacked alot of attention,compasion towards her sometimes felt that I didn't love her anymore. She asked me alot to change the way I treated her and I just never listened because I was caught up in my own selfishness. I still love her more than anything deep down, and the last 5 months I have really thought about how much I do love her, but I guess she has just had enough of this bad relationship and 4 weeks ago told me she wanted to seperate. Well I was hurt, we had a big talk and I explained to her that I relise I have been an a-hole and I genuinely want to change. So we have a family vacation planned for months and we decided to go through it, we didn't fight at all which was great I thought we on the road to recovery. I made alot of positive changes the last 4 weeks and she even agreed, but I asked her yesterday where we sit, and she still wants to get sepreated because she "needs it" and she want to see if she "misses me when I am gone". She wants me to leave because I make alot more money than her and she will stay in the house with the two boys, but I love my two boys more than anything it will really hurt not to see them everyday. I also feel that it totaly unfair for me to accept that. I never abused her or my kids, never cheated at all. I asked if she would be willing to give another 6 months to see if things can get better, and suggested councilling agian, she told me "she has no more left to try". So if she's not willing to try anymore by hell bother I ask myself? Why drag the pain longer that it has to be? But if there is chance this will help us it is worth it.
sumdude Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 The more you put on the pressure the more anxious she will feel. The more anxious she feels the more likely she will pull further away. When someone wants 'space'... give it to them. In fact give her more space than she's asking for... Sounds backwards but it's one of those reverse psychology things.. Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes
quiet1one1 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 You gotta admit 4 weeks of change won't buy you a whole lot. Keep it up...for you, not just for her. You both are very young and have a lot of responsibility on top of it. It's time to man-up. Give her the time and above all, don't push her (the list sumdude posted is hanging at my desk at work!). Ask her to sit down and discuss the parameters surrounding your separation in a mature and caring way. I am separated from my W as we speak and we're following a "controlled separation" plan laid-out in the book titled "Should I Stay Or GO?". I recommend this book. Consider counseling, definitely IC and maybe MC. It really does help. Good luck - keep posting.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I don't know why you should necessarily leave, although it sounds like you should definitely separate... If she wants the separation so badly, she should leave...And you should support her to the extent that the court deems fair... But it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven or anything close...and you're better off finding out now, rather than later... She wants to see if she misses you?! That's just messed up...she is really damaging the R with what she is telling you...and if she wants you out of the house, it doesn't sound good, but you shouldn't make it easy for her either... Counseling is a good idea...but you BOTH have to be committed to the idea... Good luck!
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 GEL is right about you leaving the house. I can't ever recommend it to men. "Trial separation" so often just turns out to be step #1 in the divorce process. Stay in your home. But don't give her ANY excuse to call the cops and claim there's a domestic disturbance. She'll have you put out with a restraining order if you're not careful. So don't lose your cool. Utilize the 180's that Sumdude posted to you, but also be sweet. Be attractive. Be charming. But if you want your family dynamic intact, focus on that as a goal and act like it. Don't get buffaloed into moving out.
azianpride143 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 I agree do not move out. Your story sounds so much like mine. Except your troubles didn't start after 14 years. Counseling may help but it takes two to make a marriage work. You may be willing, but she may have had her mind made up. If you really want to give it one last shot, then follow Sumdude's advice to the tee and not heed. It will take a lot to hold all those emotions inside of you. So go find yourself an outlet. I find working out in the gym helps channel all that negative to positive energy. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.
Gunny376 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE! You would be setting yourself for all kinds of nasty legal precedents up to and including spousal and child support. I'd follow SumDudes's advice and be making "nice" to her, smiling at her, and feeding her candy. Meanwhile? I would get myself the best attorney I could, and serve her divorce papers as close to the initial hearing. I'd asked for the moon, the house, full custody of the children, and everything on the place worth stealing. That is to say I'd shoot for the moon, and settle for a lower orbit later on. I'd be gaining absolute and complete control over any and all assets to include financial ones especially. You need to introduce into this little gals life ~ none of us get everything we want, and no one said life ~ let along marriage was going to be easy ~ that you don't have to work at it!? Basically, she's wanting you to move out, and keep everything else the way it is, while you gain exclusive rights to pay for all that. Once you're out of the house ~ it'll be hard for you to move back in, that's when they start telling the law lies about you. You end up down on skid row living in a rat infested one bedroom apartment with winos and crackheads laying around in the hall.
tk180days Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Gunny: I'm new to this sight - but I like your posts. My H left 11 weeks ago and I'm doing the 180 - I'd love your imput from the guy perspective. He sees me at lest one a week, usaully Sundays after I come home from church. He always hugs me super tight when he greets me and says bye. He accepted an invite to go to a concert in Aug with me. At the end of the month his daughter and I are taking a trip together without him. We had a fight while he was drinking and he said it was over and that he didn't love me anymore etc. I just told him to slow down and take some time to think about it. He moved out 3 days later and leased an apt for 6 months. I don't call, beg all the "Don'ts" just stay up and friendly when I see him. Take my time returning calls - lost 10 pounds, working on my tan, looking my best. (Not that I was totally out of shap - I'm 5'6 127 pds now - before 137 pds) Anyhow he still is wearing his ring etc - but the waiting is killing me. I asked him what he wasn't happy about, he said it's not me - that he just doesn't feel it. The only thing we ever really fight about is his drinking. In Nov - I kicked him out and after 4 days he came home and agreed he needed help etc. He agreed to go to AA and other stuff and it was good - 88 days dry. Thats what I think the problem is - but I think it's easier for him to say he doesn't love me, becuase he slipped etc. The problem with all that is what do you say it he keeps saying he jsut doesn't love me? That it's not the D-g? I just figure for now I'll just continue to not give him any reason to want to leave. I'm nice when I see him - but I don't go out of my way. Anyhow that's my story - any imput?
Gunny376 Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 For now? Agree with him! Don't argrue with him. Agree with him! Long term? You going to have to have an "intervention" with him! Watch "Intervention" on A&E on Friday nights!
RecentlyBlindsided Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE! You would be setting yourself for all kinds of nasty legal precedents up to and including spousal and child support. I'd follow SumDudes's advice and be making "nice" to her, smiling at her, and feeding her candy. Meanwhile? I would get myself the best attorney I could, and serve her divorce papers as close to the initial hearing. I'd asked for the moon, the house, full custody of the children, and everything on the place worth stealing. That is to say I'd shoot for the moon, and settle for a lower orbit later on. I'd be gaining absolute and complete control over any and all assets to include financial ones especially. You need to introduce into this little gals life ~ none of us get everything we want, and no one said life ~ let along marriage was going to be easy ~ that you don't have to work at it!? Basically, she's wanting you to move out, and keep everything else the way it is, while you gain exclusive rights to pay for all that. Once you're out of the house ~ it'll be hard for you to move back in, that's when they start telling the law lies about you. You end up down on skid row living in a rat infested one bedroom apartment with winos and crackheads laying around in the hall. This thread has hit home as recently m wife said "we need to separate" and "I love you I am not in love with you", etc. I don't understand how not moving out can help. It seems as though you are saying that I should stay put regardless of what she is asking of me. Please elaborate and enlighten me. Didn't mean to kidnap the thread... Thanks
sumdude Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 This thread has hit home as recently m wife said "we need to separate" and "I love you I am not in love with you", etc. I don't understand how not moving out can help. It seems as though you are saying that I should stay put regardless of what she is asking of me. Please elaborate and enlighten me. Didn't mean to kidnap the thread... Thanks It comes down to what happens with the house if you own or co own it with your spouse. Whatever the law books say many times in reality possession is 9/10ths of the law. IF you leave and your wife stays in the house with the kids a judge will often see that as your leaving the family and proceed with that in mind... regardless of the facts of who actually ended the relationship. They see so many divorces ... hear so many stories .... so much blame thrown around that all they have to work with is the small provable facts. The husband moved out... so the wife should get the house and kids because obviously he left them there. I mean you left so you must not want it right?? That's how it looks from the outside reality be damned.
RecentlyBlindsided Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I have been "advised" by a non-lawyer friend that I should put forth the question of using a mediator and see what kind of reply I get and get an agreement on paper. With a mediator, it is safe for me to leave and give her the space she is asking ofr. Any thoughts
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