Husband had emotional affair with coworker

[Kel1220]

My husband has been conversing with a coworker for going on 3 months. This has been through email, test messaging, cell phone calls and instant messanger. They have never met up outside of work but have talked about it. We have only been married for about a year and a half. He told me that it means nothing to him and that he is just there because she needs someone to talk to. But then in the next breath told me that she has confronted him multiple times to tell him that she is attracted to him and he admitted that he was attracted to her physically too but doesn't want to leave me. Also, if it's nothing why didn't he tell me that she was attracted to him? I have asked him over a dozen times to come clean about this and tell me if he was attracted to her and he always slubbed it off like it was nothing and he would NEVER find her attractive but then he tells me last night that he actually is. To make matters worse, she is engaged to his boss. He didn't want to tell me about it because he knew it would upset me, but if he knew that doesn't that mean that he knew it was wrong?!?! I don't know what to do at this point, I am so confused. If anyone has gone through a similar situation and has some advice I would really appreciate it.

[Lizzie60]

My husband has been conversing with a coworker for going on 3 months. This has been through email, test messaging, cell phone calls and instant messanger. They have never met up outside of work but have talked about it. We have only been married for about a year and a half. He told me that it means nothing to him and that he is just there because she needs someone to talk to. But then in the next breath told me that she has confronted him multiple times to tell him that she is attracted to him and he admitted that he was attracted to her physically too but doesn't want to leave me. Also, if it's nothing why didn't he tell me that she was attracted to him? I have asked him over a dozen times to come clean about this and tell me if he was attracted to her and he always slubbed it off like it was nothing and he would NEVER find her attractive but then he tells me last night that he actually is. To make matters worse, she is engaged to his boss. He didn't want to tell me about it because he knew it would upset me, but if he knew that doesn't that mean that he knew it was wrong?!?! I don't know what to do at this point, I am so confused. If anyone has gone through a similar situation and has some advice I would really appreciate it.

 

This is exactly what I meant when I posted to Kcunpredictable... (about the thread why to the W or H stay with the cheater)

 

1) do believe all the crap their H tells them... I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing; she (OW) manipulated me into this; I didn't even find her pretty; I don't love her, I love YOU; she wasn't even as good as you in bed but she 'understood' me; etc.... (This is IMO the main reason, they still believe Him, these guys are master manipulators and liars...it's insane... and women believe them LOL);

 

'He told me that it means nothing to him and that he is just there because she needs someone to talk to.'

 

'he would NEVER find her attractive'

 

This is exactly what I meant... these guys are LIARS and manipulators in order to get everything THEY want... marriage, kids, financial security, family, friends... AND A MISTRESS on the side... perfect life...

 

Sorry to be so blunt but I guess it is human nature to be blind about the ones we love.

[Lynna]

My H had his A with a married woman from his work. They started the same way, as good friends. She was having marriage problems, he was having self-esteem problems. Well, they talked about more and more personal things, more and more often. Then one night when a whole group of them were out drinking they both got very drunk and there you have it. They continued until I caught them, for about a month and a half. So, you should be cautious.

[NoIDidn't]

This is exactly what I meant when I posted to Kcunpredictable... (about the thread why to the W or H stay with the cheater)

 

1) do believe all the crap their H tells them... I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing; she (OW) manipulated me into this; I didn't even find her pretty; I don't love her, I love YOU; she wasn't even as good as you in bed but she 'understood' me; etc.... (This is IMO the main reason, they still believe Him, these guys are master manipulators and liars...it's insane... and women believe them LOL);

 

'He told me that it means nothing to him and that he is just there because she needs someone to talk to.'

 

'he would NEVER find her attractive'

 

This is exactly what I meant... these guys are LIARS and manipulators in order to get everything THEY want... marriage, kids, financial security, family, friends... AND A MISTRESS on the side... perfect life...

 

Sorry to be so blunt but I guess it is human nature to be blind about the ones we love.

 

Lizzie

 

In all fairness, nothing in her posts suggests that she believes his version of things. If she did, she wouldn't be here asking questions.

[NoIDidn't]

This is exactly what I meant when I posted to Kcunpredictable... (about the thread why to the W or H stay with the cheater)

 

1) do believe all the crap their H tells them... I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing; she (OW) manipulated me into this; I didn't even find her pretty; I don't love her, I love YOU; she wasn't even as good as you in bed but she 'understood' me; etc.... (This is IMO the main reason, they still believe Him, these guys are master manipulators and liars...it's insane... and women believe them LOL);

 

'He told me that it means nothing to him and that he is just there because she needs someone to talk to.'

 

'he would NEVER find her attractive'

 

This is exactly what I meant... these guys are LIARS and manipulators in order to get everything THEY want... marriage, kids, financial security, family, friends... AND A MISTRESS on the side... perfect life...

 

Sorry to be so blunt but I guess it is human nature to be blind about the ones we love.

 

Lizzie

 

In all fairness, nothing in her posts suggests that she believes his version of things. If she did, she wouldn't be here asking questions.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie

 

In all fairness, nothing in her posts suggests that she believes his version of things. If she did, she wouldn't be here asking questions.

 

From what I read... her post suggests the opposite... she is confused and do not know what to do? To do about what? To me, that suggests that she still isn't sure if she should believe him or not... otherwise she wouldn't even talk about what he said..blablabla...

[NoIDidn't]

My husband has been conversing with a coworker for going on 3 months. This has been through email, test messaging, cell phone calls and instant messanger. They have never met up outside of work but have talked about it. We have only been married for about a year and a half. He told me that it means nothing to him and that he is just there because she needs someone to talk to. But then in the next breath told me that she has confronted him multiple times to tell him that she is attracted to him and he admitted that he was attracted to her physically too but doesn't want to leave me. Also, if it's nothing why didn't he tell me that she was attracted to him? I have asked him over a dozen times to come clean about this and tell me if he was attracted to her and he always slubbed it off like it was nothing and he would NEVER find her attractive but then he tells me last night that he actually is. To make matters worse, she is engaged to his boss. He didn't want to tell me about it because he knew it would upset me, but if he knew that doesn't that mean that he knew it was wrong?!?! I don't know what to do at this point, I am so confused. If anyone has gone through a similar situation and has some advice I would really appreciate it.

 

Kel,

 

My H had an EA with a co-worker (a beautiful model, I might add - who wouldn't be attracted to her). I can't tell you when the budding friendship first started turning into an EA, but I do know that things started to get more emotional in Dec of 05.

 

Right now, your H is going through the cover his own a.ss and protect her from your (imagined) wrath stage. As a time passes and she starts to show more of her true colors and the drama of his actions catches up with him (his bosses fiance' no less, SMH...), you will get more truthful answers if he is truly remorseful.

 

All I can say is follow your gut and look after yourself. If your gut tells you that you are not getting the entire truth, go with your gut.

 

I took care of my home and children like I normally would have. I spoke with my H about the things that didn't touch on the fact that I knew he was still lying about his involvement with this co-worker. I let him know that I had a time limit of how long I was going to take this behavior before I did something to permanently alter our M/R. And I exposed her to her BF, since he needed to know that my H wasn't calling their home for business related reasons.

 

You may not want to expose your H because her fiance is his boss, but you may want to consider it. At least the threat of it may cause him to look at the reality of his situation.

 

This is a confusing time. Make sure to take care of you and do the things that you have control over. Don't be concerned with others' opinions on what you are feeling (here or IRL). And get some good books (personal fave "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass) to help you through this time.

[JoyH]

He was having an "emotional affair". He was investing energy into this relationship, and taking it from your marriage. Once he was saying things to her that he felt a need to keep secret, it crossed the line.

 

An emotional affair can be just as damaging to a relationship as one that has already progress to physical also.

 

He was crossing boundaries and was in real danger of the affair getting physical also. He doesn't need to be this woman's knight in shinning armor. She has a BF. That type of talk is just to personal and is high risk.

 

He needs to end that 'relationship' and keep it strickly professional. He doesn't need to send personal emails, messages or phone conversations. He needs to get his priorities straight, that his marriage is more important that this woman's "problems". It's a big ego boost for him to have this woman making him feel important and telling him she wants him. But, he is risking his marriage playing that dangerous game. It's a common way for affairs to start.

 

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass.

 

Another good book:

"Fall in Love, Stay in Love" by W. Harley

Not really about affairs, but has some good points about prevention.

 

Consider finding a counselor, someone certified in marriage counseling.

Or a marriage seminar or weekend, such as Retrouville, or marriagebuilders.com. Hopefully, you found this early, but it is a warning sign.

 

Talk about what he considers his commitment to his marriage and what he considers cheating. Then, make your boundaries very clear. No one ever thinks when they marry that they will have infidelity in their live, but it happens far to often. This is a severe emotional trauma that no one should have to face.

 

Most all wayward spouse will deny, deny, deny initially! Keep your eyes open, as they might just get more secret and continue. It's an addictive game. But, once it is exposed, the fantasy tends to fade.

 

Your H needs to make it VERY clear to this Other Woman that he is ending this personal relationship and committing himself to his wife. If he wavers, she will continue to expect contact from him. Some women don't take this withdrawal very well and feel like they are owed more since they invested time into this man. He needs to close the door completely. If not, and he wants to stay in the marriage, he is being cruel of BOTH of you. He needs to heal his marriage and let this OW move on with her life.

 

Take care, Joy

[LakesideDream]

I am always leary of "emotional affairs". About 18 years into my previous 25 year marriage, I became friends with a 20 year younger woman. It was a friend/mentor realtionship. She was an advertising rep. who called on my account. We stayed friends, going out to lunch every couple of weeks (always public) and even ran into my then wife a few times, and invited her to join us for lunch. The friendship came to an end when the gal moved on to a MUCH larger advertising market. Other than Christmas cards there was no longer any contact. This gal "dished the dirt" on her BF, her lecher boss (a piller of the community) and shared her sorrow when her father was diagnosed with Cancer (scared me a little I was a year older than her Dad). My ex seemed OK with it at the time... BTW, this gal was a real stunner. I was a past my prime middle aged guy, and it ain't got no peachier!

 

After the filing for divorce, when my ex and I were sharing a house and being civil, my ex accused me of having an affiar with her over dinner. I laughed so hard diet Pepsi came out my nose.

 

I believe I have more "casual" friends who are women, than those who are male. I suspect it's because I am reasonably polite, and don't "hit" on pretty women of any age. I also am old enough to understand the value, and even entertainment available when you listen more than you talk. If this friendship was just an excuse to get away from the store for good company, and lunch every few weeks, instead of muching from a bag... it would have been worth the effort.

 

Sometimes friendships are one sided. One person listens more than they "share". Men and women can be friends without sex being the motivating force!