Bluezone2 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Hello everyone I found this board via Google when searching for a definition of cheating, or rather what constitutes or does not constitute cheating. I'll explain my "problem" but first, I have to make a few things clear. - I am 30 and married and love my wife. - I have never been sexually or romantically involved with anybody else. I just couldn't, even if I wanted it, and I don't. - I've never resorted to prostitutes, strip clubs, phone/Internet sex and never will - I don't consider masturbation, porn or fantasies as being objectionable, and therefore representing "cheating / unfaithfulness", as long as no other person is involved physically in the activity. Having said that, I'll go to the point. I tend to fantasize quite a bit, and notably about bdsm; not so much the pratice itself as the aesthetics of it (bondage gear, props, attire and their materials, rituals etc). A couple of days ago, I came across a clip on a popular video sharing site. It was nothing hardcore, just showing a woman toying with a ballgag, but it turned me on significantly. I didn't think much of it until I realized the woman in it was not a professional model or porn actress, but an amateur model who'd shot that from her home with a webcam. That made me feel really bad. I mean I don't have any problem with the idea of being turned on by porn stars, because it's totally impersonal. But being turned on by a 'real life' someone, the kind of woman that you could bump into in the street or meet at work makes me feel like I cheated on my wife Deep down, I don't think I have because I haven't interacted with anyone romantically or sexually, but inexplicably, I can't shake the guilt. So I'm wondering: do you think I cheated on my wife by doing this? Is there such a thing as "acceptable" fantasies and "unacceptable" ones? Is it rational to think it's ok to be aroused by a porn star, but not by an amateur model? I'll appreciate any input from men and women alike. Thanks a lot for reading this.
UsernameRemoved Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I wouldn't consider this cheating, like you said, there was no interaction with an outsider. Is there any chance that your wife would fascilitate your minor bdsm fantasies if you talked about it... Maybe she has her own fantasies that she's always wanted to talk to you about but just didn't have the words. I'd be careful how you proceed from here, I mean if you talk to your wife she may be insulted. If you watch more online stuff you may pick up an adiction.
Lizzie60 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 So I'm wondering: do you think I cheated on my wife by doing this? Does your wife knows about this? If you are doing this in her back and enjoying it... then you're cheating so to speak. Is there such a thing as "acceptable" fantasies and "unacceptable" ones? Fantasies cannot be controlled... we don't chose our fantasies. There are no 'unacceptable' fantasies...unacceptable to who? and who has control? unless you're acting on them... Is it rational to think it's ok to be aroused by a porn star, but not by an amateur model? Is is very 'normal' to be aroused by porn star (amateur or professional). The only difference I see between amateur and prof... is that amateur are just 'grossed' and 'cheap' and soooo sleazy... and tacky... amateur porn should be banned... LOL
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Is it rational to think it's ok to be aroused by a porn star, but not by an amateur model? This is more like the difference in see a woman on the beach in a bikini or bumping into her in the hallway in her bra and panties. There's no difference really accept one is forbidden and more personal, so its more powerful. I do believe that when you rely on ANY TYPE OF FANTASY that it does seem to evolve... IF there is a reliance on it. That is what would bother me. I do not think that maybe starting "small" with your wife regarding this is a bad idea if you promise yourself in advance to be OK with whatever she seems comfortable with. BdSm has led a personal friend of mine down a path that resulted in alot of life distruction. It ended up being an outlet after her mom passed away suddenly. She lost a family, hurt alot of people, but its because she relied on it though.
Seen_It_All Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Is there such a thing as "acceptable" fantasies and "unacceptable" ones? Is it rational to think it's ok to be aroused by a porn star, but not by an amateur model?Good to know there's a few decent man left in this world after all the bull I read on these boards day after day. You've gone to the other extreme - thinking that you're cheating just because the clip you viewed was made by someone that wasn't on a porn shoot when she filmed it. Hardly the thing disasters are made of. I like that you actually look past your OWN nose and think about other's feelings - this is extremely rare to see. But I think you're being way too hard on yourself. A female body in a film is a female body in a film. Period.
norajane Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 You watched a video on your computer in the privacy of your own home. I fail to see how that is cheating. Fantasies are what they are. You don't control what turns you on - it just does. We all have fantasies - some we'd like to do, and some we'd never consider actually doing. No need to beat yourself up over having fantasies.
roxy_1980 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 An amateur who broadcasts porn over the net is the same as a pro porno girl. It's not like you have a private video feed where she's talking directly to you and doing things that you directly request. It's not that big of deal! I seem to be picking up on an underlying issue though that maybe you should think about. You obviously like the S&M stuff, so why don't you approach the subject with your wife. If it's that much of a fantasy, maybe she'd be willing to try using a few props in the bedroom with you. S&M though not going on in every bedroom is common enough. It's not that odd of a request. She might surprise you.
Author Bluezone2 Posted July 5, 2007 Author Posted July 5, 2007 I would like to thank the people who replied and particularly the last three posters. Your replies were very sensible and non-judgemental, which I appreciate a lot I try as much as I can to be good person and not to do anything I might regret afterwards. Still, I think that indeed, I must be less hard on myself but it's difficult when you are very prone to guilt, as I am. Thanks again for the comments and help. It's very precious to me.
brokenheartedguy Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Definately not cheating dude....just natural healthy thoughts in your head. If they stay in your head then nobody gets hurt...job done.
ptylsdemon Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I think a good way to identify what's not right is if you have to hide it from your partner...
Trialbyfire Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Cheating requires interaction, whether physical or emotional. Unless it turns into some kind of obsessive addiction, I don't see this type of behaviour as being detrimental to the primary relationship. Only you know if it vampires off your relationship. If your mate wants to control your thoughts, run, run like the wind...
Jasmine8719 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 aww...just to let you know there is a very small percentage of men like you....Thats really special that your so much in love with your wife...its great to hear..NOO! lol that is by no means cheating on your wife....your right as long as your not physically involved with someone else sexual and this is a lone act its fine..dont worry about it...but may i suggest something....may ask your wife to take part in some of the stuff you watch or fantasy's you want to try...but your good...good luck!
LoveLace Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Well, if you didn't realize the real deal as it was happening, you weren't exactly making the choice to engage in something you conciously would see as cheating..usually if your cheating, you know your doing it as it's happening...i'd say that it was a form of entertainment just as all the other porn is. They are all just naked people behind a camera, regardless. But if it makes you feel guilty, maybe that should be the one type of indulging that you should try to avoid in the future..cuz we all have various definitions of cheating, and apparently you think this had the potential to fit your definition...so just make it a no-no for yourself, to keep your consience clear.
dbtmarley Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Dude you ain't cheating!! You ain't cheating at all!! Watch the sreen guilt free, get lots of freaky ideas and introduce them to your wife..
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