Karl Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I met this girl last week, offline. We had a date, it went well, and we went back to my place. She’s a cool chick—attractive, intelligent, funny. She begged me to go out a few times since our first date, and tonight, I met her and some friends at a bar. I sat down and talked to the girl I knew, and she left to talk with some friends. When she returned, she sat next to me and we talked for a bit, and her friends joined us at the table. The girl I knew turned away from me and started a conversation with a friend, and her two other friends were engaged in a conversation, so I sat there for at least ten minutes. Instead of staring at the wall, I watched a bit of TV. I grew increasingly annoyed, for this girl really wanted me to go out, and now she was ignoring me. I understand that she can’t cling to me, and I didn’t expect for her to ignore her friends and give me all of her attention, by any means. If she did this, it'd be awkward. But at least act like you want me there. When she finally turned back to me, I told her I was leaving. She asked if she could join me at my place, but I said no: she should spend time with her friends (her best friend’s in town for only a few days). But I mainly said this because I didn’t want to be around her, for she had ignored me. I said goodbye to her friends, telling each it was nice to meet them (and shook most of their hands to be polite). I tried to cover up my annoyance, since the friends did nothing wrong. My last girlfriend was ‘famous’ for ignoring me. It was drastic, and I was partially to blame because I put up with it. I let it happen for far too long, so I was very annoyed with this girl tonight, and my fuse is much shorter current-day. But tonight, I feel justified (with my leaving) with how I was treated. I would rather chill at home than watch TV at a bar. I don’t think that my last girlfriend has made me hypersensitive toward feeling ignored. I merely think that my prior treatment made me think, 'I won’t put up with it any longer'. I think it’s a respect thing (and her ignoring me for that amount of time was disrespectful), and it’s a problem that both men and women find themselves “victims” of. I’m not the type of person to right away say, “You ignored me. It made me angry.” I will tell her this (when she asks what's the matter), but I would never say it to her at the bar, because she’d probably apologize and I’d come off as the supersensitive jerk (toward her friends). Plus it would probably make her feel worse than she does now (she texted me). Feel free to post your thoughts or personal experiences with this issue.
Star Gazer Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 You're a regular poster trying to change up your identity, right? It's cool. I think your personality and experience is such that you need to be the complete focus of the woman you're dating. As such, to avoid irritation, I'd suggest meeting up with her (either this girl or others) only when it's going to be one-on-one, otherwise you're always going to feel 'disrespected' if you don't get ALL her attention. I mean, c'mon, put things in perspective: her best friend was in from out of town, and she spent ten minutes talking to her friends instead of focusing on you...is that really that big a deal? Also, I'm curious about this: I’m not the type of person to right away say, “You ignored me. It made me angry.” I will tell her this (when she asks what's the matter), but I would never say it to her at the bar, because she’d probably apologize and I’d come off as the supersensitive jerk (toward her friends). Why is it okay to make this statement after the fact, and not while at the bar? If you'd be an insensitive jerk for saying it there, you'd be an insensitive jerk for saying it later. Also, you say this: Plus it would probably make her feel worse than she does now (she texted me). This suggests to me that you were less than courteous in your departure. She was paying attention to her out-of-town best friend for ten minutes and you feel that disrespected that you leave but also likely do something to make her feel bad? Did you ever consider that maybe because her best friend was in from out of town that she wanted you there so you could meet her? I'd take that as a compliment. But then again, apparently she was 'begging' you to go out with her, so that should have been compliment enough. FWIW, I've been in her shoes - wanting to spend time with different people at once. When you're the person in the middle (this girl), it's difficult to spread your attention out to everyone evenly. If there's an immature person in the crowd, they're bound to get miffed.
freakygal78 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Hey there - I guess one thing I wondered was how old she is - it's becoming increasingly common for girls in their early twenties to be independent and friends-oriented these days. I am not sure if I was this way also - but at 29 I'm not so into having a posse of girlfriends follow me everywhere. Also, if you are just getting to know someone, some one on one time is a good thing to get to actually talk with one another without distractions. Maybe like Star Gazer said, it's a matter of her friend having been in town and she wanted to introduce you to her friends and maybe even get their low-down on you (I know girls do this quite often) but to ignore you for 10 mins or more is a little inconsiderate I'd say. If I hardly knew someone or their friends to be left in the lurch like that would make me feel uncomfortable. She should distributed her attention between her friends and you equally. She is probably still keen on you otherwise she would not have suggested going to your place afterwards. Maybe she realises something is up now and it is now your duty if you want to avoid this impasse, to tell her what is up in a rational calm manner. If she is worthwhile pursuing, she might realise to be a little more attentive in future - if not, then she is not worth your time and best to find that out now. If you had known her for a while and perhaps her friends, it wouldn't be so much of an issue to be ignored for 10 mins in that kind of scenario. I can relate to this situation as I spent the best part of the last month being ignored by a live-in (now ex!) boyfriend and when his friends would come over they would barge into our room and start an in-depth conversation with him while treating me like a part of the furniture virtually it really used to get to me!
Author Karl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Freaky- Yes, I met her a week ago. I'm over it now, though (although I was angry about it last night). I doubt I'll see her in the next few weeks. Thanks for the response! It def. has merit. PS. She's 22.
chryssy83 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Okay, she's at that age where things like this happen. I did the same thing to my current boyfriend (kind of--I didn't invite him there, but he just showed up by coincidence). I had a lot of friends around I hadn't seen in a long time, and I just talked to them. He ended up going to hang out with some other people in the same place, and then he left without saying goodbye. So that night I call him, and it turns out his friend told him to play hard to get if I was ignoring him....it totally worked. We had only been out a few times but I was already convincing myself he had disappeared with some other girl. A lot of girls that age are all into the "i'm independent, don't need a guy" mentality. They do tend to hang out with a "posse" and maybe she didn't really know what to do with you while you were there. If you aren't going to see her again that's fine, but in the future I don't know that I would rule out a relationship with someone based on this type of scenario alone. Maybe just leave and tell her she seems to be having a good time with her friends, but if she calls you later act cool about it. Getting to know her better one-on-one might change the way she acts toward you when she's out with her group.
Author Karl Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Yeah, I'll have to think about what happened yesterday. It's like the golden rule--when a girl's out with and I run into friends, I try to get the girl into the conversation, or I tell the other people that I'll talk to them later so I can hang out with the girl. She definitely wasn't trying to play hard to get or any other game. What irked me is that she begged me to go and then ignored me. I'm going to hike for a few hours and mull over everything, and when I come up with a conclusion, I'll post it. I'm more concerned with how I'll deal with it in the future than what I plan on doing with this current chick. Thanks for the feedback! ;-)
jcster Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I think you might want to check your perception of the event. 10 minutes of being "ignored" while someone converses with their friends is not out of line in my book. It sounds like you were uncomfortable and felt excluded from the conversation and over-reacted. (my ex-husband used to do the same thing) Try and imagine what would have happened if you had simply listened to the conversation with an interested look on your face, and then joined in at the appropriate time. Beware of setting "tests" for people. They will inevitably fail, and you will be very lonely.
chryssy83 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I don't think she was intentionally playing hard to get...I think that it might be part of her attitude toward dating. She has made a life for herself as a single girl...that includes not falling all over a guy at the cost of spending time with friends. I think you could have jumped into the conversation like an earlier post said. I also think you're being too harsh. If you want someone who will devote 100% of her attention to you 100% of the time you are together, you won't end up with a very healthy/well-rounded girl.
high_boost Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 i agree with what jcster has said and to add to that i think it was childish of you to leave after her conversating to her friends for 10 mins and you owe her an apology. personally if a girl had done that to me id tell her she was a narcissistic little tick , and that if she was like that as early on as the 2nd date id hate to see the way she would act a year down the road. maybe you just need to learn some patience dude. good luck with that.
Green Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 what did you expect you go to some party or some whatever where she knows every one and u dont know anybody and of course its going to suck. And you keep saying shes been back to ur place, and she asked if she could go back to ur place that night... what do u guys do at ur place anyways cause I doubt ur banging her.. and what regular poster does STARGAZER think u r?
monkey00 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 im going to have to go with chryssy83 on this...its sound advice. 10 minutes is a pretty long time if you think about it, it's almost as bad a girl picking up her phone to talk to someone while you guys are on a date. If that girl really is interested and didnt want you to feel left out, she wouldve thought of some conversation techniques of including you into the conversation, or at the very least ask your opinion. I'd hate to say this but it also seems part your fault, because you didnt interject into the conversation or at least seem interested in it. Generally I would take it as a compliment if a girl introduces you to her friends...definitely much better than girl that's secretive or hides you from her friends/family. However the general rule of thumb is since this is a 2nd date, she shouldnt have invited her friends along. I know you probably wouldnt do the same either. To sum it up, every conclusion and advice given here is debateable...the situation could have been very tolerable or intolerable. I say if you and her are still interested, put this behind you and move on. However if she does this on every date, i wouldnt tolerate it.
Green Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 so u admitt u knowingly ignore your dates how dare u, Well Id just be pertending to listen to u so I guess it all evens out
Tenorman Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 IMO Karl you overreacted and reacted in the wrong way. Instead of leaving, instead of watching the TV in the bar you should have tried talking to her friends or as another poster suggested simply listen in the conversation, smile nod and join in if an opportunity arose. I would take it as a compliment that she tried to introduce you to her group. If anything you should have used it as an opportunity to demonstrate to her that you are your own man - that is without needing her for support or as a link or social crutch in an unfamiliar grouping, just start talking to her friends as individuals in themselves and work out whether you find any of them interesting, whether you wouldn't mind hanging out with them again should a similar situation arise again and create a good impression all round. I did this early on in the relationship I am in and if anything my now gf got miffed because she thought I was ignoring her too much and paying too much attention to all her friends instead! (But I gave her special attention later) Point is though not to get ruffled just because you are not in your comfort zone but to see it as an opportunity to extend your self to a greater range of people.
daphne Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Karl I think you overreacted quite a bit and are doing your best to display apathy towards her. If you didn't care, you wouldn't need to minimize her importance although you've already gotten upset to an inordinate degree over her actions. Whereas I can understand the irritation at being ignored, you really got bent out of shape over something that appeared to be innocuous. I once dated a guy who was crazy about me, but he had a party with some other friends and he ignored me for about 3-4 hours straight. I was patient and he came back around. At which time some more friends showed up and he proceeded to ignore me again so I left. It was the beginning of the end. But 10 minutes, come on now. I'm going to have to ask you for your man card.
Author Karl Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 Some of you are kind with your advice, and some of you are obviously cruising this board to insult people. So I thank those of you that gave your opinion to be helpful. Many thanks!
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