new beginning Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Long story short- I have been involved with a MM for several years. Early on in our A I became pregnant. I gave birth to our DD 2 years ago. His W found out about the A while I was pg and we immediately went NC so he could save his M and family (they have 3 children together, very young- the youngest is barely a year older then our DD) but before I had the baby we resumed contact- innocently at first, albeit he was still lying to W bc she refused any contact- but within a few months the A resumed fully. It has continued on, and though at times I have really thought she had to know about it she never let on. Then a few months ago she "discovered" the A again. Kicked him out, talked to a lawyer the next day. They are in the process of getting divorced- papers are already signed, just waiting for everything to go through. MM and I are taking things slow. Although we've been involved for years, it was a different situation. We are both aware we might discover we don't even like each other full time. We are also both concerned about how the kids- all of them- will be with this, and don't want to rush anything. But we both want to proceed forward... I am struggling with coming out of the mistress closet, how to introduce him to family and friends to whom he has been a non-entity for years... bc even my closest friends and family never knew the A resumed, although they did know that he came over to see our DD in secret. I don't know that anyone can even offer advice, but I am seeking to start a new beginning... not rushing in to anything... but MM and I would like to try together. Is that even possible?
Lynna Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 There is another forum here on LS for The Other Man/Other Woman. They might have more advice for you from that stand point. This Infidelity forum has more of the betrayed spouses on it, so you may not get the kinds of responses you are hoping for.
Author new beginning Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 There is another forum here on LS for The Other Man/Other Woman. They might have more advice for you from that stand point. This Infidelity forum has more of the betrayed spouses on it, so you may not get the kinds of responses you are hoping for. I'm not "hoping" for any kind of response in particular... I am looking for all different takes on it. I posted this in both locations. Thank you for your response though, I do appreciate it!
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 My take: don't hold your breath. The lies you have told your own family, by omission. The pressures he will face being away from his young children the same age as yours together nearly is possibly going to do him in. At least you are being realistic though. But, don't hold your breath. It ain't over until the fat lady sings.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 If you read the community guidelines, we're asked not to clutter up with duplicate postings... Cross-posting and duplicate submissions Community members are able to see all new posts in all of the forums. Therefore, we expect that you post an item only once, in the most appropriate forum. New posts or threads with the same content or general message are considered identical. (Why is it that OWs have such trouble following the rules?) Anyway, I personally believe that every OW deserves a cheating man. My best advice to you is to lie your ass off to family and friends. The two of you ought to be fairly good at that by now. Enjoy!!!
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 (Why is it that OWs have such trouble following the rules?) Anyway, I personally believe that every OW deserves a cheating man. My best advice to you is to lie your ass off to family and friends. The two of you ought to be fairly good at that by now. Enjoy!!! OMG. Stop it Ladyjane. My stomach hurts from laughing. :lmao::lmao:
Melissa277 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Long story short- I have been involved with a MM for several years. Early on in our A I became pregnant. I gave birth to our DD 2 years ago. His W found out about the A while I was pg and we immediately went NC so he could save his M and family (they have 3 children together, very young- the youngest is barely a year older then our DD) but before I had the baby we resumed contact- innocently at first, albeit he was still lying to W bc she refused any contact- but within a few months the A resumed fully. It has continued on, and though at times I have really thought she had to know about it she never let on. Then a few months ago she "discovered" the A again. Kicked him out, talked to a lawyer the next day. They are in the process of getting divorced- papers are already signed, just waiting for everything to go through. MM and I are taking things slow. Although we've been involved for years, it was a different situation. We are both aware we might discover we don't even like each other full time. We are also both concerned about how the kids- all of them- will be with this, and don't want to rush anything. But we both want to proceed forward... I am struggling with coming out of the mistress closet, how to introduce him to family and friends to whom he has been a non-entity for years... bc even my closest friends and family never knew the A resumed, although they did know that he came over to see our DD in secret. I don't know that anyone can even offer advice, but I am seeking to start a new beginning... not rushing in to anything... but MM and I would like to try together. Is that even possible? You have a baby with a MM and NOW you're worried about what people will think? How this for an introductionto your family and friends? "This is my kid's dad and we've been sneaking around for years. Unfortunately for me ... his W found out again, after giving this loser a second chance, and she divorced his sorry *ss. So I now I'm stuck with him full time." IMO, I think you two have a real shot. You already know all of his lies and how he cheats, so you should never be suspicious of him ... ever. And he knows you know, so he'll work like heck to make up new ones to throw you off. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Author new beginning Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 If you read the community guidelines, we're asked not to clutter up with duplicate postings... (Why is it that OWs have such trouble following the rules?) Anyway, I personally believe that every OW deserves a cheating man. My best advice to you is to lie your ass off to family and friends. The two of you ought to be fairly good at that by now. Enjoy!!! Gosh, I must have missed that. My apologies. Far be it for sleazy old me to put out (no pun intended) an olive branch and see if anyone in this forum had any advice they could offer, even if nothing more then tough love... Hey, at least it gave ya'll a place to direct some pent-up anger. I'll stick to posting in the whore house now. Thanks!
Author new beginning Posted July 6, 2007 Author Posted July 6, 2007 You have a baby with a MM and NOW you're worried about what people will think? How this for an introductionto your family and friends? "This is my kid's dad and we've been sneaking around for years. Unfortunately for me ... his W found out again, after giving this loser a second chance, and she divorced his sorry *ss. So I now I'm stuck with him full time." IMO, I think you two have a real shot. You already know all of his lies and how he cheats, so you should never be suspicious of him ... ever. And he knows you know, so he'll work like heck to make up new ones to throw you off. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Clarification... the paternity of my daughter has never been a secret. I have dealt with it with friends, family members, co-workers, everyone. You are right, it probably would have been better if he had followed his wife's orders and never got to know our daughter, but since that boat has already sailed I'm just trying to deal with what is in front of me. He wants to play a more active, open role in her life. We have also discussed the possibility of dating since we never obviously had that opportunity. (You know, basically it was just animal lust and f*ck fests... that's what all encounters with other women are, right?) But I think if I get a T-shirt made with that introduction, it will cover it all. Plus then I can wear that instead of my Scarlet Letter 'A' shirt... it's getting a bit worn out anyway.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Clarification... the paternity of my daughter has never been a secret. I have dealt with it with friends, family members, co-workers, everyone. You are right, it probably would have been better if he had followed his wife's orders and never got to know our daughter, but since that boat has already sailed I'm just trying to deal with what is in front of me. He wants to play a more active, open role in her life. We have also discussed the possibility of dating since we never obviously had that opportunity. (You know, basically it was just animal lust and f*ck fests... that's what all encounters with other women are, right?) But I think if I get a T-shirt made with that introduction, it will cover it all. Plus then I can wear that instead of my Scarlet Letter 'A' shirt... it's getting a bit worn out anyway. Unlike some of the other posters, NB, I have an honest question for you - Do you think that your MM's history of extra-marital A's should give you some pause as you contemplate a relationship with him? Why would you think that he would be monagamous with you when his past would indicate otherwise? Mr. Lucky
jmargel Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 IMO it won't work in the long run. Very, very few relatinoships last when they start out as deceit, lies and strife. He cheated on his wife and used you for all those years. Honestly how can you trust a guy like that? You think he's going to be faithful? No way, he will miss the challenge of finding another chick while he is committed. He will always have that 'grass is greener on the other side' syndrom. You will be on a constant roller coaster with this guy and so will your daughter. Congratulations you won him, you get the prize.. Question is, how long are you going to be able to hold onto him?
Ladyjane14 Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Far be it for sleazy old me to put out (no pun intended) an olive branch and see if anyone in this forum had any advice they could offer, even if nothing more then tough love... You were offered advice. I, myself, recommended to you that you continue lying to people. The alternative is telling your loved ones The Truth, and I can't imagine how THAT's gonna work for you. Hey, at least it gave ya'll a place to direct some pent-up anger. "Pent-up anger"? Puh-leeze... next you'll be doing the same old soft shoe as so many OWs before you, accusing us all of being "the morality police" and saying we're "bitter". What you and other's like you can't see is that it's not from a sense of "bitterness" that people find what you've done to be contemptible. It stems from a sense of clarity, and from a sense of justice. There's no justice here for the victimization of that woman and her three children. Their lives are forever changed, and unless she's independently wealthy, their financial futures are filled with struggle. (i.e. A child with the aptitude of a scientist becomes a retail store manager, because the emotional and financial support that were meant for him/her is dispersed.) They've been stopped in the middle and sent back to 'square one' in some kind of crappy, real life, version of the board game Sorry!. Meanwhile... you give us your crocodile tears about your "concern" for the children: We are also both concerned about how the kids- all of them- will be with this... But don't think we don't have enough "clarity" from our perspective to see that for the bullsh*t it is. Because if either one of you gave a rat's hind leg about those kids, you wouldn't have destroyed their family dynamic. ... the paternity of my daughter has never been a secret. I have dealt with it with friends, family members, co-workers, everyone. But you didn't tell them everything, right? You didn't tell them about the secret cell phone, the roundabout method of emailing, the deliberation in which the two of you carried on your sordid affair behind that woman's back. You didn't tell them your part in destroying that family and changing their lives forever. I doubt you even recognize the fact that you are complicit in that destruction. It might have been her husband who stabbed her in the back, but you sure as hell handed him the weapon, didn't you? The guy's a snake, and for your part in this... you deserve him. And if there's really any such thing as cosmic justice, you'll reap the misery you've sown ten-fold in payment. Life has a way of evening out the score. Even when human justice is not administered, cosmic justice has a way of serving up the reprisals. I believe that. In my personal philosophy, life is for learning. Perfection of the soul is the whole point. And I do believe that God loves us all enough to take the time to school us. My best advice to you is to not be a slow-learner, lest you force Him to test you hard.
Seen_It_All Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 We are both aware we might discover we don't even like each other full time.I don't even GET ignorance like this. The guy's good enough to screw around with, good enough to get knocked up by AND have his illegitimate kid, he was CERTAINLY good enough to SNEAK AROUND WITH and LIE TO EVERYONE about thus YOUR PART OF THE CONTRIBUTION to the breaking up of his family - and NOW you're going to be concerned whether you 'like' each other full time or not????? Who the HE*LL gives birth to someone's kid and you don't even know if you LIKE him? Are you a brood mare or something??? He's now the proud father of a litter of 4. That ought to set him back for the next 25 or 30 years with heavy child support by the time the last one is done with college. What an idiot. Hope you have a good job. Since this guy spits kids out like they're candy, he's going to NEED someone to support him. Oh, and I hope you find out you 'like' him full-time. You deserve this crud.
dauphine Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 the responses are probably not what you were hoping to hear and with good reason. I realize its hard for you to step back and take a solid look at what you are asking on this board. However, I suggest that you do for your own good down the line. You are preparing to go into a relationship with someone that is full of lies and deceit. I know you are thinking that your situation is unique and that he REALLY loves you.. blah blah blah. Believe me, every OW thinks the same exact thing. It's a form of denial. You really have to look at the big picture. That being he destroyed his first family. His wife and children are forever changed by two selfish people sneaking around like 8 year olds to grab a kiss behind the school cafeteria. I don't care what BS he told you about his wife and their relationship and I assure you it's BS. Both of you destroyed 4 people's lives. Period. That said, I find it even more amazing that you are worried that the two of you will like each other full time. You liked him enough to give him the chance to be a sperm donor. Maybe you should have thought about that before you slept with him. He can't be a real husband and father to the family he had, what in the world makes you think he would be one to you and your child? Take if from someone that has learned ALOT about this stuff in the past. The chances that your relationship will survive are very slim due to the way you started off. How you are going to tell your family about this relationship should be the least of your worries. Your biggest worry should be that this guy is a scumbag and if you choose to stay with him, he will cheat on you and unfortuantly, that will be when you fully understand how his soon to be ex-wife feels now. I hope it doesn't take that but from your original posting, it seems that you are heading down that rocky road.
IWALH Posted July 6, 2007 Posted July 6, 2007 Wow. Reading all the posts in this thread just made me 10x even more happier than I already was about my current situation!! Thanks!
Melissa277 Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Clarification... the paternity of my daughter has never been a secret. I have dealt with it with friends, family members, co-workers, everyone. You are right, it probably would have been better if he had followed his wife's orders and never got to know our daughter, but since that boat has already sailed I'm just trying to deal with what is in front of me. He wants to play a more active, open role in her life. We have also discussed the possibility of dating since we never obviously had that opportunity. (You know, basically it was just animal lust and f*ck fests... that's what all encounters with other women are, right?) But I think if I get a T-shirt made with that introduction, it will cover it all. Plus then I can wear that instead of my Scarlet Letter 'A' shirt... it's getting a bit worn out anyway. I'm pretty sure his wife's orders were to not cheat on her and his kids with you FOR THE SECOND TIME. I mean, what do you want me to say? Yeah, it's great. Two families destroyed. He's got four kids that are gonna get f*cked basically ... financially and emotionally. You go girl. Oh, and you confirmed that A's are mainly just f*ck fests since you have a kid with a guy you've never even been on a date with before. So what were you doing all that time you were "together?" Since you have so much influence over him ... maybe you should put a bug in his ear about getting fixed. He's got enough children for God's sake and since he obviously can't keep his pants on and refuses to practice birth control, maybe it's time.
SIM Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Hi New Beginning, I wish you the best of luck in this situation. I think you will likely need to go somewhere else to hear that, unfortunately. I think that if this relationship is meant to be and you work on it, that yes it can be successful. It's going to take some work and analysis and getting to the root of some personal issues, however. THAT is the advice any one of these posters would have given you if you were the BW begging to know 'if it would work with her MM' again. Of course, if you were the BW they would suggest that the work would be all on your H's part. I'm suggesting that as TOW and xMM that BOTH of you will have to work. "I know you are thinking that your situation is unique and that he REALLY loves you.. blah blah blah. Believe me, every OW thinks the same exact thing. It's a form of denial." And every BW does the same thing, too when she takes him back. Deny. Deny. Deny. "He can't be a real husband and father to the family he had, what in the world makes you think he would be one to you and your child?" Uh, maybe there is some love there. And having an affair is a comment upon his R with his W, not his relationship with his children. "Your biggest worry should be that this guy is a scumbag" But, like I said above. If New Beginnings had lied and said she was a BW, then you would have told her that she could make it work in counseling. Good luck NB!
whichwayisup Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I'm confused here. Has he left his wife? Separated or divorced her? If not, then you two should NOT BE DATING. Yes, you were (are) the OW, and had his child, but he is still married. What a mess of a situation this is. I haven't a clue how the heck you can handle the stress of it, let alone his poor wife - And most of all, all the innocent children involved in this drama. YOU need to take control and decide what is best for your child. Not what your heart wants, needs...THINK and get some counselling because if you date the MM while he's still married, ALL of you, including those children, are going to be hurt. You deserve more and this guy can only offer you table scraps. Don't fall into it. You can be a single mom, he can see the kid once in a while. Sorry to sound harsh, but I honestly can't see him dumping his 1st wife and kids to be with you full time. Yes, you now have a child with him (Sorry, I have to ask, but did you two use protection? Or did the condom break?) and now the consquences of your actions are high at stake. Good luck.
NoIDidn't Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Hi New Beginning, I wish you the best of luck in this situation. I think you will likely need to go somewhere else to hear that, unfortunately. I think that if this relationship is meant to be and you work on it, that yes it can be successful. It's going to take some work and analysis and getting to the root of some personal issues, however. THAT is the advice any one of these posters would have given you if you were the BW begging to know 'if it would work with her MM' again. Of course, if you were the BW they would suggest that the work would be all on your H's part. I'm suggesting that as TOW and xMM that BOTH of you will have to work. "I know you are thinking that your situation is unique and that he REALLY loves you.. blah blah blah. Believe me, every OW thinks the same exact thing. It's a form of denial." And every BW does the same thing, too when she takes him back. Deny. Deny. Deny. "He can't be a real husband and father to the family he had, what in the world makes you think he would be one to you and your child?" Uh, maybe there is some love there. And having an affair is a comment upon his R with his W, not his relationship with his children. "Your biggest worry should be that this guy is a scumbag" But, like I said above. If New Beginnings had lied and said she was a BW, then you would have told her that she could make it work in counseling. Good luck NB! Hey SIM Thanks for the driveby and the garbage you left behind. You obviously haven't read around this board much. She would have gotten differing advice even if she was a BW. But if she was a BW she already has leg up in the sitch as he is ALREADY MARRIED TO HER. But he isn't. And that is where her problem lies. Does her R with this man stand a chance? Sure, if he actually gets a D and wants to be with her too. But we don't know that. What she has told us so far is that is was willing to lie and cheat to be with her and hid a child from his W - all the actions of someone that is trying to STAY MARRIED to his current spouse. No one here called the OP any names, only stated reality as they saw it. You on the other hand, came accusing the previous posters of bias - as if you don't have any yourself. BWs have gotten the same kind of advice when asking about staying with a husband that fathered a child out of an A. Posters can only judge based on the info given by the OP. I think they did for the most part. And I do agree with you on one thing - they both will have to work on it if they want to have a successful R. But he needs to get D'd first.
InaPanic Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Hey NB. This can be a harsh forum, i learned this myself. But by posting our stories we put ourselves out there for anyone to say anything. I've been able to take it all in stride & only had to block one user, who basically, was just a complete idiot, lol. I try hard these days to judge no one. No one is perfect, everyone is human, & chances are we may all find ourselves in a situation someday we never in a million years thought we would find ourselves in. Maybe not an affair but maybe something else that would cause society to look down upon you. Now, on to your original question. Of course your chance of survival with this person is slimmer than the average relationship due to the circustances surrounding it. For one, he didn't leave his wife to be with you & your child, he only left when she gave him the boot. That would concern me that if she in the future gives any sign she might take him back that he would leave you in the dust. Not trying to be mean with that just pointing out a concern. Since they have kids he will be seeing her & having contact with her a lot. You are smart to not rush into anything but to take it slow & see where things go. I'm afraid if you let yourself get too excited you may just get let down. As far as friends and family go, in my opinion, if they are true friends or family that supports you thru thick & thin then they will be there for you for this. Personally i don't feel like you owe every person in your life an explanation for everything. Frankly, it's your life, not theres. But for the ones you feel you do, then tell them exactly what happened & why you said nothing. As far as dating, i think i know what you mean. You haven't had the opportunity to 'properly' date. Go to movies, go to dinner, whatever. You do need to do this. Also, i'm curious how old you & the MM are? Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it. And then you may find 10 years down the line you jumped too soon. Another concern that someone else pointed out, is the fact he has 3 kids with her, he will be paying child support out the wha-hoo! Financially can you deal with that? Good luck with your life
jj2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Long story short- I have been involved with a MM for several years. Early on in our A I became pregnant. I gave birth to our DD 2 years ago. His W found out about the A while I was pg and we immediately went NC so he could save his M and family (they have 3 children together, very young- the youngest is barely a year older then our DD) but before I had the baby we resumed contact- innocently at first, albeit he was still lying to W bc she refused any contact- but within a few months the A resumed fully. It has continued on, and though at times I have really thought she had to know about it she never let on. Then a few months ago she "discovered" the A again. Kicked him out, talked to a lawyer the next day. They are in the process of getting divorced- papers are already signed, just waiting for everything to go through. MM and I are taking things slow. Although we've been involved for years, it was a different situation. We are both aware we might discover we don't even like each other full time. We are also both concerned about how the kids- all of them- will be with this, and don't want to rush anything. But we both want to proceed forward... I am struggling with coming out of the mistress closet, how to introduce him to family and friends to whom he has been a non-entity for years... bc even my closest friends and family never knew the A resumed, although they did know that he came over to see our DD in secret. I don't know that anyone can even offer advice, but I am seeking to start a new beginning... not rushing in to anything... but MM and I would like to try together. Is that even possible? KARMA. What goes around comes around. Good luck getting your MM not to cheat on you. You two do deserve each other. But on the bright side you two could become swingers if you get bored with each other.
Melissa277 Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Hi New Beginning, I wish you the best of luck in this situation. I think you will likely need to go somewhere else to hear that, unfortunately. I think that if this relationship is meant to be and you work on it, that yes it can be successful. It's going to take some work and analysis and getting to the root of some personal issues, however. THAT is the advice any one of these posters would have given you if you were the BW begging to know 'if it would work with her MM' again. Of course, if you were the BW they would suggest that the work would be all on your H's part. I'm suggesting that as TOW and xMM that BOTH of you will have to work. "I know you are thinking that your situation is unique and that he REALLY loves you.. blah blah blah. Believe me, every OW thinks the same exact thing. It's a form of denial." And every BW does the same thing, too when she takes him back. Deny. Deny. Deny. "He can't be a real husband and father to the family he had, what in the world makes you think he would be one to you and your child?" Uh, maybe there is some love there. And having an affair is a comment upon his R with his W, not his relationship with his children. "Your biggest worry should be that this guy is a scumbag" But, like I said above. If New Beginnings had lied and said she was a BW, then you would have told her that she could make it work in counseling. Good luck NB! That's all well and good, there Sim, but if New Beginnings has questions about her R with "her" MM, why shouldn't the rest of us? She had a kid with him and he still didn't leave his M and the only reason he's with her now is because his W threw him out. The guy is a scumbag and she knows it. If she loves him and he loves her ... why not just be happy finally being together? Oh yeah, because it's on the up and up now, no more sneaking around ... no more lying. I guess that kinda takes all the fun out of it, huh? I agree, they will both have to work to get to the root of personal issues ... the main one being that he doesn't impregnate another OW behind her back. That and having his kids for the entire weekend during his "visitation" time, and the gobs of child support he will have to pay (remember, having an A has nothing to do with his R with his children, only his W) should make for a very happy and successful future. All this drama and they haven't ever been on a date yet. You're right ... how did we all not see it?
Mustang Sally Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Sorry, I have to ask, but did you two use protection? Or did the condom break? and now the consquences of your actions are high at stake. Thank you, WWIU. My thoughts, EXACTLY. Where is the f******* BIRTH CONTROL in these scenarios? Forget about the contraception angle, if you must, as there is now a very sweet baby (I'm being serious) as the result...but the bloody STD exposure! It's like the early 80s all over again! People...Please!
NoIDidn't Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 All this drama and they haven't ever been on a date yet. .....shaking my head..... truer words............
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