NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I hope this doesn't come off as condescending. What do you say to MM when he talks about work pressures and work-related stress? Are you empathic (is that a word?) and sympathetic to his needs? Or do you jump in and give him suggestions on how to make things better in his particular situation?
Tomcat33 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Why is this question directed at OW in particular? And I don't understand the question either....?? The word is "empathetic"
GreenEyedLady Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I hope this doesn't come off as condescending. What do you say to MM when he talks about work pressures and work-related stress? Are you empathic (is that a word?) and sympathetic to his needs? Or do you jump in and give him suggestions on how to make things better in his particular situation? Generally speaking, we talk about things that are bothering us and sometimes offer suggestions and sometimes just listen...If we think we can help, we try and help...but sometimes you just need a sounding board and so we do that for each other too... And you don't sound condescending...although I am kinda curious as to why you would ask this particular question...
OpenBook Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 What do you say to MM when he talks about work pressures and work-related stress? Are you empathic (is that a word?) and sympathetic to his needs? Or do you jump in and give him suggestions on how to make things better in his particular situation? It depends on what he's seeking. If it's comfort, I sympathize with him and flatter him for being such a big man to handle all that pressure. If he's just bouncing ideas off of me, I ask him lots of questions and help him analyze the situation. If he works at the same place I do, it's a GREAT way to pump him for information. But one thing I NEVER do is tell him how to make things better - as in, "You should do this," "You ought to..." That's a big No-No in the OW book. It reminds him too much of his shrewish W. Are you empathic (is that a word?) The REALLY GOOD OW's are empathic. But your average garden-variety OW's are just empathetic. I hope this doesn't come off as condescending. Why are you worried about being perceived as condescending?
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 The REALLY GOOD OW's are empathic. But your average garden-variety OW's are just empathetic. OB - this made me LOL!!! I had to go look up empathic after this. Turns out, I didn't make up a word AND I used it correctly. Seems empathic and empathetic are interchangeable.
OpenBook Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 OB - this made me LOL!!! I had to go look up empathic after this. Turns out' date=' I didn't make up a word AND I used it correctly. Seems empathic and empathetic are interchangeable.[/quote'] So glad you got that cleared up.
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 ...although I am kinda curious as to why you would ask this particular question... GEL - I'm asking because I'm the "shrewish wife". LOL! (Thanks for this one, OB). And regarding the "condescending": just the fact that I am asking a question directed at OW. Not so much the tone. But I really do want, need, and appreciate any input on this. IRL, I am practically clairvoyant (prophetic even), but not very empathic (LOL). Thanks again. Everyone.
Tomcat33 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 And you don't sound condescending...although I am kinda curious as to why you would ask this particular question... I didn't get the condescending thing either.... Some things are worth learning from OW
Tomcat33 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Oh "empathic" and empathetic are the same LOL never herad "empathic" before I suppose at night I get too slow, and stupidity does catch with me
IWALH Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Well, he used to always talk about how he enjoyed his job even though it was hard, manual labor. But if I were getting high every morning before/during work with my buddies/co-workers I'd probably really enjoy it too!!
NearlyThere Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I hope this doesn't come off as condescending. What do you say to MM when he talks about work pressures and work-related stress? Are you empathic (is that a word?) and sympathetic to his needs? Or do you jump in and give him suggestions on how to make things better in his particular situation? Hi NID MM has been having a lot of work pressures recently, had a serious accident at work, so have had to listen to lots of problems and moaning, lol, he keeps saying I must get fed up of listening to him go on and on. I just listen really, give him a hug, only gave/give suggestions if they were/are asked for as thats one of his problems everyone else wife/family/friends telling him what he should do, (he does not say his W is shrewish) particularly about this accident. However if I think he's behaving like a twat about something will tell him, in a nice way of course, lol. BTW, Deanna Troy on Star Trek was an empath, showing my nerdiness now. Traits of an Empath Empaths are often quiet and can take a while to handle a compliment for they're more inclined to point out another's positive attributes. They are highly expressive in all areas of emotional connection, and talk openly, and, at times, quite frankly in respect to themselves. They may have few problems talking about their feelings. However, they can be the exact opposite: reclusive and apparently unresponsive at the best of times. They may even appear ignorant. Some are very good at blocking out others and that's not always a bad thing, at least for the learning empath struggling with a barrage of emotions from others, as well as their own feelings. Empaths have a tendency to openly feel what is outside of them more so than what is inside of them. This can cause empaths to ignore their own needs. In general an empath is non-violent, non-aggressive and leans more towards being the peacemaker. Any area filled with disharmony creates an uncomfortable feeling in an empath. If they find themselves in the middle of a confrontation, they will endeavor to settle the situation as quickly as possible, if not avoid it all together. If any harsh words are expressed in defending themselves, they will likely resent their lack of self-control, and have a preference to peacefully resolve the problem quickly. Empaths are sensitive to TV, videos, movies, news and broadcasts. Violence or emotional dramas depicting shocking scenes of physical or emotional pain inflicted on adults, children or animals can bring an empath easily to tears. At times, they may feel physically ill or choke back the tears. Some empaths will struggle to comprehend any such cruelty, and will have grave difficulty in expressing themselves in the face of another's ignorance, closed-mindedness and obvious lack of compassion. They simply cannot justify the suffering they feel and see. People of all walks of life and animals are attracted to the warmth and genuine compassion of empaths. Regardless of whether others are aware of one being empathic, people are drawn to them as a metal object is to a magnet! They are like beacons of light. Even complete strangers find it easy to talk to empaths about the most personal things, and before they know it, they have poured out their hearts and souls without intending to do so consciously. It is as though on a sub-conscious level that person knows instinctively that empaths would listen with compassionate understanding. Here are the listeners of life. Empaths are often problem solvers, thinkers, and studiers of many things. As far as empaths are concerned, where a problem is, so too is the answer. They often will search until they find one--if only for peace of mind. http://healing.about.com/cs/empathic/a/uc_empathtraits.htm - more here for anyone interested about empaths. NT
PoshPrincess Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I hope this doesn't come off as condescending. What do you say to MM when he talks about work pressures and work-related stress? Are you empathic (is that a word?) and sympathetic to his needs? Or do you jump in and give him suggestions on how to make things better in his particular situation? Not condescending at all, NID. It's always good to get another perspective from 'the other side' so to speak. As far as exMM and I were concerned, I acted exactly the same with him as I would in a 'normal' R with regards to work pressures, etc. I was sympathetic/empathetic where needed and gave him my opinion when asked. I never 'told' him what he should do though as I was always concerned that I may be doing it for my own benefit rather than for his. He even asked me to write him a reference for a job once, although that was during NC so it may have just been a ploy to get me to talk to him!
Lizzie60 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I hope this doesn't come off as condescending. What do you say to MM when he talks about work pressures and work-related stress? Are you empathic (is that a word?) and sympathetic to his needs? Or do you jump in and give him suggestions on how to make things better in his particular situation? With most I just listen... tell them my POV, it I have enough details, but we don't talk about work that much... I really enjoy talking about work with just one of my MM (manager in a different department). We always have discussions about work... I get to know 'management secrets'... that's good. We text each other all through the day, every day... Plus in the near future this guy might become (pretty sure he'll get the job) the boss of my boss... mouuuaahahahahaha... He's not sure if he should take that job...blablabla... but I strongly encourage him to... other than getting him a $20,000 raise... he already knows what is going on in my department, so things would change for the better...
Author NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 I just feel like sitting there and doing nothing but listening is not helping. Why is a hug and just listening better than offering suggestions (not so much telling him what to do)? Thanks.
Tomcat33 Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I just feel like sitting there and doing nothing but listening is not helping. Why is a hug and just listening better than offering suggestions (not so much telling him what to do)? Thanks. Well if you had a very rough day at work would you prefer your partner offer you some suggestions on how to improve your day and tell you how to do your job? or would you prefer that they simply hold you and give a nice warm hug and letting you know they are all ears for you to vent if that is what you need? To reassure them they are superstars no matter what. Sometimes men take emotional beatings at work even though they would never admit to it, all they want is to be heard and validated. I think we all want that at one point or another. Truly being able to listen to another is a rare gift. so that's where empathy comes in, you gauge the situation and act accordingly... Personally I don't think there is an across the board answer.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 I just feel like sitting there and doing nothing but listening is not helping. Why is a hug and just listening better than offering suggestions (not so much telling him what to do)? Thanks. I think that you're right...It also depends on whether the couple is a partnership or not...But it's pretty much a case-by-case basis because when you say something, if you listen to their follow-up (rebuttal, whatever), you get the idea whether they are just wanting a listener or really interested in getting feedback...So i pretty much operate under that policy... Plus, it gives them a different perspective...Like mine told a co-worker something non-chalant and I told him I thought it was not very nice the way it was said and he was like, "You're right, he probably thinks I'm a d***." So he smoothed things over with the guy (who I know and I think is a good friend to him). I think a lot of it comes down to their respect of you...Do they value your opinion and suggestions or not? And that doesn't mean they'll agree with you and do what you suggest. Just that they listen to what you have to say and respect that. Like equals do.
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