best Friend / Ex husband

[Weezer]

I am sure that this has been covered here because it is what brought me here. But I really have to get answers I am just still shocked that I even still have to ask.

 

My girlfriend Clarice and I have been friends since i was 19 years old. I am now 48. She and her Husband and Me and My husband were inseparatable. She had tow girls and I have 1 boy and a girl. She is the god mother of my daughter and my children think of her as an aunt and her children their cousins.

 

After 15 years of a sometimes rocky marrige her husband left her for another women somewhat a friend of hers. She was devasted. After about another 10 years My husband and I split. She and I stayed as close as ever and I can say that she is the only person that probably knows me better than me and every nuck and cranny of my life. We talk nearly every day.. We referred to ourselves as Clarice and Weezer.

 

My EX immediately hooked up with a much younger women after we split almost immediatley and Clarice and I talked alot about the problems that were happenin there. It even kept her from talking to my ex.

 

A month ago my ex and his girlfriend split up. Kids were happy with this and everyone I heard was very happy about this. Clarice invited he and my children to her daughter birthday party and they talked and held up some good old time chat. I was glad. I know it was a good friendship and no need to end these things.

 

two more weeks go by an she attends my daughters 21 birthday party with my Ex family and goes out with all of my daughters friends a couple nights later. Clarice called me from the bar and was sorry I was unable to be there with them all.

 

 

 

Well She calls me 2 days ago and explains to me that she needs to talk to me and let me know that she and my ex are seeing each other and wanted to tell me herself because our friendship is important to her.

 

I WAS IN SHOCK . I called her back thinking it might have just been a slip up. Oops we drankk to much and so sorry that happend, but NO it was "It just happened... Can you believe it....giggle Giggle... I mean we can now maybe BBQ togther and it can be like old times...."

 

I did not know what to say at all. I really didn't except that I hoped that she had enough respect for me that she would keep all the things I have told her in 30 years to herself and not disclose to my EX. I mean Jeez I talk about everything with her about every thing including my sex life with him.

 

I guess my question is or thoughts are....

 

I feel absolutely betrayed. I feel that she choose my EX over our 30 friendship. I am hurt and I feel that no matter what I cannot stay or feel the same with her, even though she express that she would mever do anythiing to jepordize our relationship, that it would not change any thing between us. I think it changes everything.

 

I feel that this is a unwritten rule of friendship that you should not ever ever ever do this.

 

Please tell me your thoughts or advice. I am so hurt and do not know what my next step should be. Her daughter is getting married in 6 weeks and She is my name sake and I will be at her wedding but feel very unconfortable staying with Clarice.

 

Weezer

[curiousnycgirl]

Holy cow - I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel.

 

I think if I were in your shoes I would bow out gracefully. I would simply stop speaking with her, and distance myself. If she pushes for an explanation - then you will have to say that you are uncomfortable with her relationship with your ex, and that while you wish her all the best in the world - you feel she has crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed.

 

I agree you should attend the wedding - but that would be my swan song if I were you.

 

WOW my heart is aching for you!

[spookie]

Wow, she definitely crossed a line there and I think you would completely justified in terminating your relationship with her.

 

I'm sorry for the immense pain you must be going through right now, I can't even begin to imagine what that must feel like. If it's consolation, you are definitely the biggest person in this situation. Your ex-husband and ex-friend deserve each other... and a relationship founded on two of the biggest betrayals will never happily last.

[love necessity]

I can't believe that your friend of thirty years would even betray you like this. This is horrible, and to top it off, your children have to be right in the middle of this. I am so sorry:o. At this point, I think you have more than the right to drop her like a bag of potatoes. This goes to show you she doesn't care about your feelings, and no one wants to be around a person like that:mad:.

 

I know at this point, it probably doesn't matter, but have you ever suspected any type of flirting when you and your husband were together? Was there ever any awkward moments in past that would have raised a red-flag, that you ignored? Just curious, because if they're together now, there must have been some kind of attraction going on?

 

Hope you have a wonderful day...And just remember, that lifes to short to sweat the small stuff.

[Curmudgeon]

Just curious, because if they're together now, there must have been some kind of attraction going on?

 

I can understand how, after all those years of mutual friendship, this could happen. They're comfortable with one another, have a mutual history and obviously cared for one another. It's less scarey and challenging than the "open market" and they feel like they "fit."

 

Having saidthat, I wouldn't do it and I think they're being rather insensitive. However, in the end, it just might work for them even if it's at the risk of destroying your 30 year friendship. After all, they're the ones whose lives and futures are their utmost concerns, not yours. The "risk" seems worth it to them.

[nittygritty]

I agree with you Weezer, this is major betrayal.

 

Good friends don't sleep with your ex's and being drunk is no excuse.

I couldn't be friends with her anymore. I would have to let her know how I felt about what she did. I'd probably write her a letter that covered everything, including that you don't want her contacting you ever again.

 

I don't know that I would even attend her daughter's wedding, namesake and all. Why put yourself through such an uncomfortable situation? Especially, after this type of betrayal. I'm sure that if you called and told her daughter that her mother had sex with and is now seeing your ex husband and you don't feel up to seeing them at the wedding, she will understand.

 

Your ex just broke up with his girlfriend a month ago so more than likely this is just a rebound, available sex thing for him, so I wouldn't worry about it lasting very long.

 

Take care of yourself

[Trimmer]

II don't know that I would even attend her daughter's wedding, namesake and all. Why put yourself through such an uncomfortable situation? Especially, after this type of betrayal. I'm sure that if you called and told her daughter that her mother had sex with and is now seeing your ex husband and you don't feel up to seeing them at the wedding, she will understand.

Wow, I completely disagree with this. Whether you can get past it enough to attend the wedding, given your own comfort considerations, is certainly for you to decide, but there is no reason to dump this in the lap of the daughter. She is absolutely an innocent in this, and putting it in those terms to her would just be using her to take a stab at your friend, her mother. If you bow out, at least be gracious to her daughter; don't spread the bad feelings to her.

[nittygritty]

Wow, I completely disagree with this. Whether you can get past it enough to attend the wedding, given your own comfort considerations, is certainly for you to decide, but there is no reason to dump this in the lap of the daughter. She is absolutely an innocent in this, and putting it in those terms to her would just be using her to take a stab at your friend, her mother. If you bow out, at least be gracious to her daughter; don't spread the bad feelings to her.

 

You may be right Trimmer, I honestly don't know. My thoughts behind the advice I gave was that if Weezer decides not to go to the wedding she is going to need a very good reason to bow out from attending the wedding or the bride's feelings may be hurt. I don't see anything wrong with Weezer being honest with the bride. "Your Mom's having sex with my ex husband" is probably too harsh but I'm sure if Weezer wanted to she could find the right words if she felt the need to talk about "the pink elephant in the room" rather than not mention it.

 

There are 6 weeks until the wedding and alot can happen. Some possible scenerios are that the ex may dump the best friend before the wedding and may start seeking forgiveness from Weezer. If Weezer opts not to forgive and is just a no show, no one including the bride are going to know why Weezer did not attend her namesakes wedding.

 

If the best friend and ex are still together in 6 weeks and choose to attend the wedding together then everyone including the bride will know why Weezer is not at the wedding. In fact, there is a good chance the bride already knows that her mom is seeing Weezer's ex husband so Weezer breaking the ice by calling the bride ahead of time to apologize for being unable to attend the wedding and send well wishes, will give Weezer and the bride a chance to talk about it and try to maintain their friendship.

 

If Weezer decides to attend the wedding and her ex and former best friend attend the wedding together and her ex sits next to the Mother of the bride then there is going to be many eyes on Weezer rather than the bride on her wedding day. Which is one of many reasons why I don't think attending the wedding is a good idea.

 

I'm just speculating and giving an opinion. Once Weezer gets over the initial shock, I'm sure she will have more feelings and thoughts about what would be best for her.

[Trimmer]

You may be right Trimmer, I honestly don't know....

 

I'm just speculating and giving an opinion. Once Weezer gets over the initial shock, I'm sure she will have more feelings and thoughts about what would be best for her.

I think these are all good, thoughtful points. And I agree with you, especially the idea of keeping a connection with "the namesake," and possibly making contact before the wedding to chat. I would just like to see it done in some kind of a "face saving" way, so Weezer can step away from the situation with dignity and class, and the namesake can go on and celebrate her day without a cloud over it, whether Weezer can make it there or not.

 

Weezer - how are you doing with all of this? I just re-read your post and it looked like - at least at that time - you were planning to go to the wedding, but the question was whether to stay with Clarice or not.

 

If you're still comfortable with going (and for your namesake's sake - what should we call her, Mini-Weezer?) could you just get a hotel instead of staying with Clarice, and make a nonspecific explanation about needing space and things being complicated and needing some time to sort things out (basically, call upon the bedrock from the cheaters' toolbox of excuses...) If she has any sensitivity at all, hopefully she will understand and allow you some space in a face-saving way. On the other hand, if she is clueless ("oh, why should things be any different?!?!") she may press you for further explanations; hard to say....

 

How are things with your ex-husband? Is he a sleazebag? Do you have a decent parenting relationship with him? Do you feel wronged by him, too, or are your bad feelings mostly about Clarice?

[amerikajin]

I can understand how, after all those years of mutual friendship, this could happen. They're comfortable with one another, have a mutual history and obviously cared for one another. It's less scarey and challenging than the "open market" and they feel like they "fit."

 

Having saidthat, I wouldn't do it and I think they're being rather insensitive. However, in the end, it just might work for them even if it's at the risk of destroying your 30 year friendship. After all, they're the ones whose lives and futures are their utmost concerns, not yours. The "risk" seems worth it to them.

 

This post is dead on. It's insensitive, and certainly something I wouldn't do, but I can understand how some people might bring themselves to do it. They're getting older, hear the clock ticking, and figure they don't have forever to find someone they're compatible with. They seem comfortable with each other, so they turn the friendship into something more. Again, it's not something I would do, but this is what the bottom line is.

 

Just like they're doing what they have to do, you do what you have to do. If it means avoiding contact with them, que sera sera. Your friend has to know that there are consequences for hooking up with your ex.

[Weezer]

I am doing alright, thanks for asking. My friend Clarice made contact with me on Saturday asking why i haven't called and she missed talking to me.

 

I replied that I missed talking to her and that I was really not sure what to say to her so just haven't. I understood the connection, and her happiness, however I really felt sort of slapped in the face and that what saddened me the most was that the dynamic of our friendship had changed. I am very saddened by this and still am. I have talked with Clarice almost every day for 30 years.

 

I will be attending lil weezer's wedding as well as her shower. I just will stay in an hotel unless I am feeling stronger by that time and can suck it up. Not sure about that though. It is just all ashame.

I thought that i would finally have a better repore with my ex since he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago. She did not like me I guess which made communication hard. My kids are important to me so being able to communicate would have been good. Now I got to get my kds in the right frame of mind. One is not accepting this news very well at all. Trying to get her to let it go but she is grossed out by it in her terms. Feels like it is her dad and her aunt, it just not right in her mind.

I am still tryhing to sort it out in my head.

 

thanks for all the responses. It helps to hear what most would think so that I understand I am not in wrong on my feeling.

 

weez

[nittygritty]

I am doing alright, thanks for asking. My friend Clarice made contact with me on Saturday asking why i haven't called and she missed talking to me.

 

I replied that I missed talking to her and that I was really not sure what to say to her so just haven't. I understood the connection, and her happiness, however I really felt sort of slapped in the face and that what saddened me the most was that the dynamic of our friendship had changed. I am very saddened by this and still am. I have talked with Clarice almost every day for 30 years.

 

I will be attending lil weezer's wedding as well as her shower. I just will stay in an hotel unless I am feeling stronger by that time and can suck it up. Not sure about that though. It is just all ashame.

I thought that i would finally have a better repore with my ex since he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago. She did not like me I guess which made communication hard. My kids are important to me so being able to communicate would have been good. Now I got to get my kds in the right frame of mind. One is not accepting this news very well at all. Trying to get her to let it go but she is grossed out by it in her terms. Feels like it is her dad and her aunt, it just not right in her mind.

I am still tryhing to sort it out in my head.

 

thanks for all the responses. It helps to hear what most would think so that I understand I am not in wrong on my feeling.

 

weez

 

 

I'm glad to hear that your doing alright. Its good that you are taking the high road on this.

 

I still think it will be odd if your ex and Clarice's relationship lasts very long since he just broke up with his girlfriend a month ago but I suppose regardless the damage has been done.

 

Keep updating and take care of yourself