Coping with death of Fiance

[sleeplessincnd]

My good friend's fiance was killed in the war a few weeks ago. She is young, he was young and they had never been with anyone other than each other.

 

Here is the thing, everyone who has been broken hearted knows it heals...eventually. But she has never experienced that, she doesn't know that she will heal, she doesn't know that there is life after this.

 

Any advice on what to say to her, do for her, make her feel a little better? I know there is very little I can do - and I know I need to be very gentle with her.

 

Has anyone been through this with a friend - how different is this from a really bad breakup? Argh - just need to sound this off some unbiased ears to hear what people think is best in this situation.

 

TIA

[JeanQueen]

How awful!

 

I've never had to deal with this before, but like anyone dealing with the death of a loved one, you just have to be there for them and listen when they're ready to talk. There's really nothing you can do or say that will make it better. Only time will ease the pain.

 

I guess the difference between this and a break-up would be that there are no hurt feeling on her end and no hoping for a reconciliation (which is what often times holds people back in the healing process)

 

I'm sure if she has lots of family and good friends like you to help support her she'll be OK.

[satori22]

My boyfriend recently passed away from cancer, so I can tell you that there is a HUGE difference between losing a loved one and a very painful break up. Having been through both with the same person, whom I loved more than I ever thought possible, I can tell you that breaking up is not even in the same league as losing the person you love to death in terms of pain. It is a pain that is really indescribable and which no one can really understand unless they have gone through it themselves.

 

When you lose someone you love not only do you have all the feelings you have with in a break up--and no offense to JeanQueen, but this does include hurt feelings and (irrational) hope--but you also have to face losing someone you loved and who loved you for no real explicable reason. This causes you to question everything--God, your faith, the afterlife, the meaning of your existence, you own mortality, the cruelty of a world in which such violence could exist...the list goes on. On top of all that you experience constant regret for things you said or didn't say, fears about whether you showed them you loved them enough, whether they loved you, etc, guilt for wanting to move on eventually, guilt for being able to live a healthy, happy life in the future when he could not, etc. But with death, you can't just call the person up and get the closure you need about these things. Put simply losing someone to death is like experiencing every negative emotion possible all at once.

 

I have explained all that to let you know just how monumental, heart breaking, and life changing this is for her. She will not get over it quickly, and she should not be expected to. There are going to be times when she will not want to talk about him because it will be too hard. During those times help her be distracted. And there will be even more times when she does want to talk about him, when everything she sees or does reminds her of something he said or did or that they shared. She will talk A LOT about these things, and it might get repetitive, boring, or annoying for you. However, the absolute worst thing you can do is show that you don't really want to hear it, or try to shut her down when she talks about him, changing the subject or saying things like 'you really need to get over it and move on.' This will add to her grief by making her feel guilty and annoying for wanting to talk about him. It will make her feel alone because she will feel she can't open up to anyone, so she will keep it to herself, bottling it up and making it even harder.

 

JeanQueen is right. There isn't a lot you can do, but little things do mean a lot. Just listen to her, be there when she wants to talk, ask how she is doing but don't pressure her to talk or go out or move on before she is ready. Offer to take her out to do her favorite things, bring her little presents that you know will make her smile. Help her see that there is life out there still even if hers has changed a lot, but don't expect her to want to jump into it right away. Basically just pay attention to the clues she gives and follow her lead. Check up on her even several months later, because that can be a really lonely time. Her boyfriend is gone and so are the friends who were there in the beginning. They are still around but they think she has gotten better so they don't check in as often. she may feel abandoned during this time, so anticipate that and drop by with something you know will make her smile, even if she appears to be ok.

 

Try not to say "i understand" too much. Because she may react negatively to this because really you probably don't. Instead acknowledge her pain by saying things like "it must be hell, is there anything I can do?" Sometimes you just want someone to recognize you are going through something hard and you need to vent about it a little.

 

Just be there and be a friend, that's the best thing you can do. I'm sorry this is so long. I hope it helps. Good luck.

[kimba]

both my parents died of cancer in the last year. It is true that after the funeral other people just get on with their lives. Thats the worst part. You get so much attention after the death and at the funeral and then your friends are there but really yeah people just get on with their lives.

 

I know that about 5 months after the death is when it really hits you. See she would be in a total state of disbelief for several weeks. Its like your rational mind knows the person is dead but it takes a while to believe it. Its like you almost expect them to just walk in the door, like its been a big mistake. So five months on is really when it finally sinks in that it is real.

 

So keep an eye on your friend and when you see other people just "getting on with things" try and be there more for her.

 

The other thing is that people (mostly who have never had a close death) think that there is a certain amount of time you should grieve for. Grief comes in all sorts of stages.

 

Make sure she is eating- her mind and emotions need to be well fed so she doesn't slide.

 

I feel so sorry for her, I can only imagine the horror she is going through.

 

Also don't badger her about seeing a counsellor. Grieving is normal. By all means put it to her that it might be a good idea but she will only go when she is good and ready.

 

Bush has a lot to answer for.

[satori22]

Kimba, I'm so sorry to hear about your parents. I lost my father to liver cancer in March, and then my boyfriend a month later, but I can't imagine losing both parents in one year. You will be in my thoughts.

 

I agree with what you said about making sure that she is taking care of herself. That is really important. I know after my recent losses, I completely neglected my own health and got very sick. Grief causes your immune system to weaken, so you are more susceptible to illness and not eating will only make it worse.

 

Also watch her behavior. It can be very hard to deal with these emotions and you want to make sure she doesn't isolate herself too much (though do give her the time she needs to be alone sometimes) or sink into self destructive behavior.

 

Another thing to be aware of is that becuase he died in war she is likely to be extremely angry at times--at Bush, at the people who killed him, at God, etc. She may lash out at you at times, but she likely won't mean to. So try not to take it personally, and forgive her. She just has to work through how unfair and cruel the situation is and sometimes she might accidently direct her overwhelming anger in the wrong direction. I know I sometimes get very angry when I see very happy couples, wondering why they get to be together when I can't be with the person I love, and then I respond to their happiness with biting sarcasm. It is not always the best way to think or act but it is part of the process.

 

And I agree with Kimba, the whole "go see a counselor" thing gets really annoying. I hate that that is the answer everyone gives to grief because it is not always the best or right one...it wasn't for me.

 

Keep us updated on how she is doing, and let me know if you have any questions I can answer. Good luck.

[kimba]

satori,

wow, a month later. I also, in between the deaths of my parents had a major falling out with my best male friend. It was like a lost all the significant men in my life.

 

I hope you are doing ok. you seem quite philosophical for this stage in your grief. Were you close to your dad?

 

I have lost weight but I had a few kilos i could afford to lose anyway. The eating and sleeping and just going day by day is all you can do. My dad died in april last year and mum four weeks ago tomorrow.

 

It really was and is horrific, and now i feel like, well, I handled that, i can handle anything (maybe).

 

But back to the original post, she will feel so so angry. You fell angry anyway when someone dies, but she has a real reason for it. It makes ME angry.

 

I think also that self isolation is something to watch out for. I found it really hard to sit around and do idle chit chat. A couple of weeks ago i met up with a friend for breakfast (this is 2 weeks after the funeral). She's a teacher and she started nattering on about some trivial infighting or something at school. telling this whole 10 minute story.

 

I literally could not listen. The words were not even touching my brain. I couldn't even tell you know what the story was about. I felt like my head was going to explode. This is why people self isolate. You don't feel part of the world.

 

When i went to the solicitor to start sorting out the estate we started talking and she had lost her mother 4 years earlier also to cancer.

 

Remember when people used to wear the black veils and dress when somebody died? She said that in some ways it would be good if that was still a western custom because sometimes you WANT people to know -thegeneral public. You go about your business and think hey, this horrible thing has happened to me. the whole world is acting like nothing has happened. Its not fair.

 

I also went out for drinks one night a week ago and they started harping on about counselling, citing the case of an aunt and uncle who lost a daughter 30 years ago, and still have her bedroom the same and everyone who leaves and enters the house has to talk to the dead daughter. They said to me to scare me i think, and then were saying in this really obvious way "they do this because they never got counselling" and shooting me sideways glances.

Geez, its so annoying.

[sleeplessincnd]

Thank you so much satori and kimba for sharing that with me and for taking the time to respond to me. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I think everything that you said makes a lot of sense. My husband is also in the military and been to war - but he is home and safe - but I would NEVER NEVER tell her that "I understand" - how could I possibly. But i do understand that greif is a strange phenomenon and that everyone is different.

 

We are going out for lunch tomorrow so I hope that things go ok (it has only been 2 weeks for her) I am worried that I will talk about things that she does want to hear (like what is happening at our work etc.) I hope I can avoid upsetting her or creating the mindless chatter you talked about.

 

I really do appreciate the insight you have given me - thank you for sharing. if you can think of anything else i need to know please let me know!

[kimba]

sometimes though, you do want to hear about normal things. Just watch for her eyes glazing over.

 

The other thing is that people offer to do things for you , but really want you want is not for someone to ask if they can do something but just too do.

 

If you think her eating might be a bit sketchy, go over one night and cook her dinner for both of you.

 

If she has all his stuff everywhere (thats horrible), and she seems affected by it but doesn't want to get rid of it, you could offer to "mind" his stuff (as it is, like hair in comb etc) until she decides she wants to deal with it. It really depends on the person as to how she feels about "stuff"

 

When my father died i found it really hard seeing his shoes lined up.

 

the other thing is I know this sounds really insignificant but I didn't know what to do with Mums dirty washing. That was very hard. It took 2 weeks for me to put the dirty underwear in the washbasket into a bin. It felt so wrong. But what do you do????? You can't keep it. Its just awful. the whole thing.

 

Its these little details that are the hardest early on.

[satori22]

How did the lunch go? I hope it went well and you were able to help your friend feel a little better.

 

Kimba is right that sometimes you just want to hear normal things. I think it really only gets extremely annoying when the person you are talking to is going on and on whining about some really insignificant problem, acting like it's the end of the world. You just look at them like "how can you possibly be whining to me about this right now when my entire world is crumbling." Days after my father died I had a friend whine to me about how his father was getting on his nerves because his dad wanted him to go fishing with him and he wanted to go to a party or something. I wanted to slap him because he was whining about his father who wanted to spend time with him and I was feeling like I would kill to spend even one minute with my father. That is an extreme example but it might be a good idea to avoid talking about anything that might make her jealous or angry. Like definitely don't start talking about how great your husband is or anything like that. It's been 3 months since I lost my boyfriend and I still have a hard time seeing couples or hearing about other people's relationships.

 

Dealing with the material stuff is really hard. But it is also a very very sensitive subject. Some people will freak out if you even think of touching or moving any of it. Kimba makes a good suggestion for kind of taking care of it for her, but be sure you are doing what she actually wants and not what you think she should want. And be aware that she might be in a really weird place where one minute she'll want it around and the next she won't. So just be aware that she may not really mean it when she says "get rid of it."

[little_girl]

:eek:so sorry for your friend.....just know that all you can really do is to be there for her.....listen & be supportive.....with all that she goes through.....i lost my fiance' on january 16th 2006.....& another very good friend on may 11th 2007.....i only know that you never get over it you just learn how to get through it.....she will go through so many emotions in such a short time.....i still go through crazy emotions......never had panic attacks until my fiance' died....& now i have them often.....also tell her to just breathe.....lol...