Scott_W Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 After 7 years of waiting as an OM, I finally grew to a point where I'm pretty sure I can be OK without her. One of the biggest problems for me all this time is just that the whole thing is so wrong, but that we would eventually make it all right. I managed to justify and rationalize my way through this whole affair - with that hope. A little over a year ago, she finally admitted that she probably can never leave her husband, but that "now this is what it is" and wants me to continue on. I really believe that my NC is devastating her. And she thinks I'm acting like a boyscout all of a sudden ... like why be so concerned about "what's right" at this late point in the whole thing. Am I just being a boy scout? Am I sending her signals that now I really don't love her? I do love her - but this is all so wrong to me now. I'm no longer able to be OK with this - knowing that she can't get free.
Cliche Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Oh honey, you don't need to worry about how you're hurting her. I hope this doesn't sound cruel, but she hasn't been able to be concerned about how much she's hurt you. You are not being a boy scout. It is not simply the moral reasons why you can't do this. It is because you know, deep down, that you are an extremely wonderful man who deserves a woman who will be all yours and yours alone. Yes, the moral implications are important, but that is not all of it. You're doing this because you've taken all you can. And you've taken a lot. You do love her. That's okay. Whether she knows it or not isn't the issue. You know that. You can keep that in your heart always and someday it won't hurt, it will just be nostalgia. (((hugs)))
SetMeFree Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Scott, It's comforting to know that you went through the same feelings and thoughts that I'm going through now...at least I know my MM can't say that I'm just being an emotional female!! I can't imagine 7 years of waiting..although I've done it for 3 years and can hardly believe I've lasted that long! But every day, I get a little more p*ssed off about being an option in his life, instead of a priority. I know in my head that this whole situation is wrong, and I'm not OK with it...I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up. Sounds like both your heart and your head are in sync now which is a good place to be. There's NOTHING wrong with not being ok living in limbo, which is basically where you've been for 7 long years. All you're doing now is living with the truth of your relationship with her, and of course, she doesn't want to accept this truth because that signals the end for the two of you. She's trying to salvage whatever she can because she doesn't have the courage to make changes in her life. Which is her problem, not yours.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I really believe that my NC is devastating her. And she thinks I'm acting like a boyscout all of a sudden ... like why be so concerned about "what's right" at this late point in the whole thing. Am I just being a boy scout? Am I sending her signals that now I really don't love her? I do love her - but this is all so wrong to me now. I'm no longer able to be OK with this - knowing that she can't get free. You're not acting like a boy scout-YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A MAN-You know what you want and you're ready to make it happen...Of course she wants it to continue the way it is, why would she want to change anything? She gets the best of both worlds right now... You're sending the signal that if she wishes to stay where she is, she won't have you around any longer... I'm not one to argue whether it's right or wrong, that's for the morality police around here.. But it's no longer "right" for you...and who cares whether she thinks you're a boy scout or not? She's just trying to make you feel guilty for her weakness... Stay strong! She needs to see what it's like without you in her life...
norajane Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 A little over a year ago, she finally admitted that she probably can never leave her husband, but that "now this is what it is" and wants me to continue on. She wants you to continue the affair even though she won't ever leaver her H? And she's upset that you won't? I really believe that my NC is devastating her. And she thinks I'm acting like a boyscout all of a sudden ... like why be so concerned about "what's right" at this late point in the whole thing. She's trying to manipulate you into getting what SHE wants, regardless of what YOU want for your life. 7 years is long enough to waste on someone who will never be fully yours, who will never give you the kind of relationship you want in your life. Don't waste any more time worrying about what she thinks of you now. I'm no longer able to be OK with this - knowing that she can't get free. Don't let this lie fool you as it's done for 7 long years. Anyone CAN get free if they want to badly enough. She won't leave her husband.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 No, you're not being a boy scout, not by a long way. You're doing what is right for YOU, Scott. Just like MW has done right for herself for so long. I struggle too with the "Does NC show him that I don't (didn't) love him?" question. That after such a long time waiting, I finally fall at the final furlong for being weak, for being hurt and for not putting him first? That if I had only hung on for a little bit longer, I would have shown my true strength and my true love for MM - and how could he ever fail to doubt that I loved him with the pain that I have put him through? But it just doesn't work like that. I'm already in competition by default with W, I can't be in competition with myself as well. NC may hurt her, it may drive her to distraction. But I honestly don't think NC is a way of inflicting the pain that you are experiencing onto her. It's a way of protecting yourself from the pain that you have already (and are continuing) to shoulder. (((Hugs)))
Zoomarch Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Is the reason she won't leave because of kids? If so, I understand where she is coming from. It doesn't make the affair right, I know. You are obviously giving her something she needs. Take it from someone who knows. But, if there are kids involved, and she's a good mother, she won't leave. Many will tell you in this forum and out of this forum that a good mother wouldn't cheat - but believe me, that is not true. At all. The only advice I can give to you is to try to find another relationship. Are you married too? If not, you have the world at your fingertips. I know what you are thinking: "I don't want the world - I just want her" - I can tell by your post. I so feel for you and can relate. But it might not be the right time. If you two are meant to be together, it might be down the road. The fact that she won't leave now tells me something else is involved. Maybe even love for her H.... In my case, I can't imagine my life w/o my H - however, all I ever think about is the OM - yet again - life w/o my H sounds painful to me. Nobody can ever tell me again that you can't love two people at once. It's just a different kind of love. I hope you find peace - and something else to consume your mind through all of this.
Author Scott_W Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Is the reason she won't leave because of kids? If so, I understand where she is coming from. It doesn't make the affair right, I know. You are obviously giving her something she needs. Take it from someone who knows. But, if there are kids involved, and she's a good mother, she won't leave. Many will tell you in this forum and out of this forum that a good mother wouldn't cheat - but believe me, that is not true. At all. The only advice I can give to you is to try to find another relationship. Are you married too? If not, you have the world at your fingertips. I know what you are thinking: "I don't want the world - I just want her" - I can tell by your post. I so feel for you and can relate. But it might not be the right time. If you two are meant to be together, it might be down the road. The fact that she won't leave now tells me something else is involved. Maybe even love for her H.... In my case, I can't imagine my life w/o my H - however, all I ever think about is the OM - yet again - life w/o my H sounds painful to me. Nobody can ever tell me again that you can't love two people at once. It's just a different kind of love. I hope you find peace - and something else to consume your mind through all of this. There are no children and if there were I (think I) wouldn't have ever even hoped for having her with me. Her reason for staying is that he's in bad shape emotionally and physically and she just can't "pick the day" that she tells him "it's over". I don't think I could either. I know it doesn't fit when a woman will cheat on her husband but not be able to face the fact that the relationship ought to be buried and not be able to toss him out. That's what this is though ... and I know it's no surprise to members here on this forum. Yes, I'm single ... for many years now. I'm finally able to enjoy the idea of dating, playing the field and maybe one day getting serious again, with someone else. I've got a lot to offer. I really will be OK ... I think I can do this now. I know I'm doing the right thing ... it just hurts so much. But I have to say ... each of these posts are hitting the mark - making it easier.
Seen_It_All Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Most OW believe the bullsh*t story that their MM is "staying for his kids." Golly, doesn't that sound noble? But the cheaters who DON'T have that trump card to play because they HAVE no kids STILL don't leave. Odd, isn't it? Could it be because they simply enjoy having it all - at everyone ELSE'S expense? Too bad you wasted 7 years on this selfish pig. Guess the livin's too easy with her hubby, eh?
Zoomarch Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Coming from someone who knows (and I'm not a pig like the previous poster would think) - I think your OW either loves her H more than she's letting on to you OR he makes more money or something like that. But even if it's the latter, if she really loved you more than her H, she would leave him. She is concerned more about how he will feel, than how you feel. She has put you through this, because you give her something her H doesn't and more importantly, you allow it. I had to come to this conclusion with my MM. He does not let me go because I "allow" it. And I finally accepted that I do allow it and am just as much at fault and obviously need something from him as much as he needs something from me. So I've stopped blaming him since I'm just as much at fault. That's just my take from a woman's point of view and from someone in the situation. Now, my OM is married and he's not waiting in the shadows for me to leave my H, but even if he were, and even if I didn't have kids, I probably wouldn't leave my H in the end or if I did, I would probably go back to him. Why? He represents security. I KNOW he loves me and don't have to doubt that. He even makes a lot less money that my MM. Quite frankly, he's just more stable in my mind I guess. And, before anyone bashes me, I told my husband several months ago about the affair. I wanted to give him the power to either leave me, or forgive me. He chose to stay. That said, he has no idea that I actually do love this OM deeply. I hear the word selfish a lot in this forum but until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you should not judge. I was the biggest judge of all before this happened. But God has had a way, all my life, to show me just how human I am and that I'm not as perfect as I like to think I am. This affair has ripped me to the core of my soul. It has destroyed my life. It has taken trust out of my marriage. It has damaged my self-estem and my self respect. So if all that is true, I should just hate the OM and move on, right? It isn't even close to being that easy.
Trimmer Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Scott: Her calling you a "boy scout" is just a way of putting a negative spin on something she doesn't like, a way of plastering a bumper sticker on something that is too complex for a bumper sticker description. You've decided it's right for you, and you've decided it's what you need to do. If you need other bumper stickers to put on it, try "Man finds self-confidence", "Scott makes real plans for the future" or anything like that. The other point, don't feel like you are "causing" her pain. She may well be hurting, but this is pain that has been stored up and is now just being revealed and experienced. One way or another, it either keeps simmering along under the surface, or eventually gets exposed, but it was there either way, and it's caused by the last 7 years of your relationship, not by your current decision. Stay strong and do what's right for you. She has made her choices all along as a thinking adult; she can be responsible for her side of this.
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