TheSilentType Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 He was in the wrong. If he thought you weren't interested, he should have simply said "Thanks for letting me know" when you informed him you were busy, end the conversation, and not call you back. Putting you on the spot when you guys haven't even committed to anything is kind of aggressive. If you had made plans and then flaked out without calling, then he would have been in the right. But if you had made the guy think you had a high interest level in him through your messages on MySpace, it can be kind of like hitting a brick wall when he asks you out and you say you're busy. Out of curiosity, what were your plans that made that week so busy? Maybe kind of helps to know since one wonders what was so important. Easier to be understanding when you can see the important of another person's plans. "This week is not good for me" can me so many things. I think in your case, just a simple explanation what makes it so busy that you have not even an hour to spare would have made it easier for the guy to understand. You don't need to reveal your entire business, but enough so that they can sense what really is taking up your time. Give the asker a break. It's hard. He was in the fault, but guess what - when you give a statement like "this week is too busy for me" that is so flaky. Brush up on your own social graces and give people a break. If you were late to work, and your boss asked you why would you just say "because I had some stuff to do." Give respect and get respect.
annabelle75 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Myspace is scary. I just checked my email and I have 6 messages, 4 from guys I don't know. I get hit on all the time there and I usually just ignore them. I had one guy once send me a message saying that since I posted pictures of myself on my page I was "asking" to get hit on and by not responding I was being a b*tch. He got blocked.
TheSilentType Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Just based on my experience, a big age difference gap won't work. I knew girls in college who dated older guys since they had cars (most of the students were out of state) and money to take them places. But that was mostly it. They may have liked them and had fun, but a lot went back to the younger guys when they were done. One girl was probably dating a guy in his mid-thirties, and she ended up marrying a guy two years younger than her. Go figure.
jcster Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Give the asker a break. It's hard. He was in the fault, but guess what - when you give a statement like "this week is too busy for me" that is so flaky. Brush up on your own social graces and give people a break. If you were late to work, and your boss asked you why would you just say "because I had some stuff to do." Give respect and get respect. I'm sorry...but that's just baloney. Nothing that she did was disrespectful - she was busy. She doesn't owe him an apology nor an explaination. It's nothing like a job - one is obligated to show up for a job - no one is obligated to drop everything for a date. It's that perception of importance that caused the rude behavior from the guy in the first place.
TheSilentType Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Ok my last post was in the wrong section As for jcster, you must not be human to understand that someone would be left wondering what was making them so busy. I've never said she owed an apology. But a simple explanation, without getting into details, would have made things go smoother. Yes, there's a lot of common courtesies that you don't need to do in this world. No one is obligated to say thank you when a person holds the door open for them, but man is it appreciated by the person holding the door, etc It's just a simple acknowledgement of that other person which doesn't really cost you anything. I'm sure it would have turned out better if she had offered just a simple quick explanation without getting into details. If he was normal, I doubt he would have been as disappointed as he was when he was left wondering what is making her so busy?
Author Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 It's hard. He was in the fault, but guess what - when you give a statement like "this week is too busy for me" that is so flaky. If you were late to work, and your boss asked you why would you just say "because I had some stuff to do." Give respect and get respect. You've got to be kidding me? Are you suggesting that I was being flaky and disrespectful?? Comparing a dude I've never even met to my boss is laughable. Last time I checked, he's not someone who I am required to explain myself to in order to receive a paycheck, for crying out loud. He asked me on a Wednesday. Do you really think I needed to give him a full explanation of what I was doing that entire week? Do you honestly think he needed to hear the following?: "Well, tonight I have a first date with someone else. Tomorrow night I have a networking event for work. Friday night I'm meeting the girls for cocktails because it's been a whole week since I've seen them. Saturday I'm going to a beerfest and then to a BBQ, and Sunday I need to spend catching up on some work and errands." Are you honestly saying I needed to EXPLAIN myself? I offered up TWO alternative days where we could get together. I think that's plenty reasonable, and a better response than most girls would give.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Just based on my experience, a big age difference gap won't work. I knew girls in college who dated older guys since they had cars (most of the students were out of state) and money to take them places. But that was mostly it. They may have liked them and had fun, but a lot went back to the younger guys when they were done. One girl was probably dating a guy in his mid-thirties, and she ended up marrying a guy two years younger than her. Go figure. How is this in any way relevant to the subject at hand?
Art_Critic Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I've never said she owed an apology. But a simple explanation, without getting into details, would have made things go smoother. She owed him nothing.. it wasn't like they were already dating.. besides.. isn't this July 4th week ?.. he knows why.. The guy acted like an ass.. It's good that this came out before the first date.. cuz this guy was only showing her the tip of his personality iceberg.. much more of this kind of heated treatment under the surface
McFadden Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 That is true she didn't do anything wrong and its the guys fault, but when I tell someone I can't do something a certain time I try to say "I can't because I have work or I promised I would hang out with so-and-so or blah blah" and so far I haven't had people accuse me of blowing them off when I say that. They don't have the right to demand an explanation but some people are insecure so they will feel hurt if there is no explanation. This is one of the things that ruined my last relationship (me not explaining what I was doing when I was busy.) Yeah MySpace is weird, especially lately. I had some guy contact me to try to sell me illegal drugs. And the one guy who was bothering me was just saying "why don't you tell me about yourself" and ect, it only got creepy when he started demanding that I reply. Plus he was 37 and I was 18, and I don't like the fact that he only lives a few miles from me and I heard that he hangs out at this club thats like across the street from me.
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Myspace is scary. I just checked my email and I have 6 messages, 4 from guys I don't know. I get hit on all the time there and I usually just ignore them. I had one guy once send me a message saying that since I posted pictures of myself on my page I was "asking" to get hit on and by not responding I was being a b*tch. He got blocked. Wow, there's a lot of this out there, eh? Lonely, sexually frustrated men passive-aggressively taking their frustrations out on unsuspecting strangers over the Internet. Sad.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 As for jcster, you must not be human to understand that someone would be left wondering what was making them so busy. Only someone who has no life would wonder, IMO. I wasn't indefinitely busy, I was just busy for the next five days. If he had said, "How about drinks TONIGHT?" I likely would have given him a vague explanation that I already had plans...that's how I'd naturally respond. But I was basically left in a position to explain the entire WEEK. To think I should explain what I was up to the entire WEEK is unreasonable. It's just a simple acknowledgement of that other person which doesn't really cost you anything. Didn't I "acknowledge" him when I said, "Sure, that would be great!" when he asked me out?? I'm sure it would have turned out better if she had offered just a simple quick explanation without getting into details. If he was normal, I doubt he would have been as disappointed as he was when he was left wondering what is making her so busy? I gave you a "simple quick explanation without getting into details" above. Are you seriously saying that I should have given him the same explanation? Baloney!! I'm sorry...but that's just baloney. Nothing that she did was disrespectful - she was busy. It's that perception of importance that caused the rude behavior from the guy in the first place. Thanks jcster. I totally agree.
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Do you honestly think he needed to hear the following?: "Well, tonight I have a first date with someone else. Tomorrow night I have a networking event for work. Friday night I'm meeting the girls for cocktails because it's been a whole week since I've seen them. Saturday I'm going to a beerfest and then to a BBQ, and Sunday I need to spend catching up on some work and errands." Are you honestly saying I needed to EXPLAIN myself? A lot of guys would consider this inane chatter/overelaboration (is that a word?) and probably start zoning out, a la Vince Vaughn in Swingers, when the girl with the cigar is telling him how she decided to become an actress. Totally not necessary and probably superfluous. Even if he is mildly curious, it's really none of his business. And really, who wants someone with NO LIFE at all? Someone who wants a clingy girl?
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Yeah MySpace is weird, especially lately. I had some guy contact me to try to sell me illegal drugs. Ooh. What kinda drugs?
oppath Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 It's not like they had gone out a handful of times so he could reasonable expect a forthright explanation; they hadn't had a date yet. Yes, if I put myself out there and the woman can't meet right away, it is a small hit to the ego, but as long as she offers an alternative I can say "great, how about I call you Sunday night to set something up for one of those days" and I call. It is annoying to ask for a date and have to wait, but those are the breaks when you start dating. If they had been dating for 6+ weeks then I think it would be reasonable for him to call her on a Wednesday and expect to see her within the next 4 days, but to my knowledge, they hadn't even spoke on the phone yet. As long as a woman offers a pretty good alternative within 1 week of me asking her out, I'm down. A simple "I'm busy with work and other plans the rest of this week but I'll be free Monday or Tuesday night next week if you can meet then" works. Then I say "Monday sounds great, how about I call you Sunday night to confirm" and I call.
sb129 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I totally agree with SG. She doesn't have to explain herself to a guy she has never met. What if her being busy involved private family or health matters that were too sensitive to discuss with someone you haven't met? He has no right to be so mad, what she is busy doing is none of his business. And if he was this demanding and rude THIS early, imagine how wierd he could have got if they actually started dating. I consider it to be a lucky escape SG. Whew...
jcster Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 As for jcster, you must not be human to understand that someone would be left wondering what was making them so busy. Do you have any idea how insulting and downright stupid this statement is? How can anyone give creedence to any of your arguments if you question their humanity when they disagree? How about you put away your flamethrower for a little while and actually think about someone else's perspective for a change?
TheSilentType Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 First of all everyone, chill. And maybe on second thought my example of the boss was not so good. But I still stand behind the general idea which I was trying to convey. Do you really think I needed to give him a full explanation of what I was doing that entire week? Do you honestly think he needed to hear the following?: "Well, tonight I have a first date with someone else. Tomorrow night I have a networking event for work. Friday night I'm meeting the girls for cocktails because it's been a whole week since I've seen them. Saturday I'm going to a beerfest and then to a BBQ, and Sunday I need to spend catching up on some work and errands." Are you honestly saying I needed to EXPLAIN myself? Can you not read? Did I say you owed him a full explanation? Not at all. Just be straight up, simple and to the point. I'm meeting some friends and associates during the week, and on the weekend I'm busy with work and an event I'm attending Vague and simple. In the past, I've told friends that I was "too busy" to attend their parties. In reality, I just didn't feel like going because I didn't know anybody. I didn't want to admit that to them, so I just said I was "too busy." Well guess what? I didn't get invited to their parties again. I'm sure if I had just explained my predicament, they would have been a little more understanding and given me the benefit of the doubt. She owed him nothing.. it wasn't like they were already dating.. True, in today's society, nobody owns another person they hardly know anything. But I guess I just don't see what's so hard about being considerate...doesn't really cost me anything and I'm at no less a disadvantage but when I tell someone I can't do something a certain time I try to say "I can't because I have work or I promised I would hang out with so-and-so or blah blah" and so far I haven't had people accuse me of blowing them off when I say that. They don't have the right to demand an explanation When someone's interested in you and you are supposedly interested in them (if not, simply say you're not and move on and don't worry about setting up another time), then you're going to work hard to build that person's trust and desire to be with you. Once you get into a relationship, then you don't need to offer explanations or anything. They know you better, they should understand. Like McFadden said, he has no right to demand an explanation. I never advocated that. And his behavior was wrong to call you out on your "disinterest." But maybe he thought "this week was not good for me" just means he's on the backburner and you'll get to him after you're done grocery shopping lol Anyways, flame away. I've given my two cents and have no more to add. I stick by what I say
sb129 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 what I want to know is why SG hasn't replied to my PM that I sent over and HOUR AGO. Reerrk reerrk reerrk... psycho music.
TheSilentType Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Blah, I tried editing before sb posted. Anyways, its amazing to see how people attack you when you don't agree with them. No one is the authority on how to do things correctly in life. Just because my advice doesn't match up with what you do doesn't mean you're correct, not even if 50 people jump in and agree you are. Its just a different take on the same issue.
sb129 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 silent, you were the one who started throwing stones at jcster. she said hersefl that its cool by her is you disagree.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 what I want to know is why SG hasn't replied to my PM that I sent over and HOUR AGO. Reerrk reerrk reerrk... psycho music. !!! You got a good out-loud laugh outta me with that one!! Oh, my darling SB... I'll get on that right now!
sb129 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 hee hee.. glad you are smiling. Am off to bed! Get some work done!
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 what I want to know is why SG hasn't replied to my PM that I sent over and HOUR AGO. Reerrk reerrk reerrk... psycho music. Silent, I guess I agree to some extent that offering a vague explanation is a good idea, but she shouldn't be considered rude or difficult for not offering one, much less called out on it by a total stranger.
McFadden Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I just see it from both sides of the issue. I think this guy was rude and overreacted in this case, but I also tend to feel slightly hurt if I want to do something with someone (even a friend) and they brush me off with "I'm busy" or something like that. Although I don't say anything about it and overreact like that guy. I think not having anything to do with him is a good call.
doiask42much Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Well I don't think the issue is whether it's romantic or platonic, more that he didn't know her so had no right to expect an explanation. With a friend, especially a close friend, you would be more justified in feeling hurt/miffed when offered no explanation.
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