bchlvr Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 I have become very attracted to someone and can't figure out if I am misreading her friendliness toward me as a signal that there is a spark of mutual interest. Over the past month we have had some good conversation, shared a lot of laughter, some e-mail banter. I thought I saw the longer than usual look and smile, and she has been receptive to little massages and affection, so I thought that there might be a mutual spark. I saw her yesterday at a party and in the beginning she was relatively cool toward me which surprised me. I wondered if perhaps I made her uncomfortable by letting her know that I thought she was attractive and very sweet through some email exchanges. But over the course of the party she warmed up to me and once again we had a lot of fun conversation and laughed a lot together. We are almost always in a group together, so I took a risk and asked her if she might like to have dinner together. I said, I'd like to get to know you better. Given the many hours we were hanging out together at this party and a connection that I thought was there , I thought this would be an appropriate next step. Her response was very lukewarm and it seemed that she was uncomfortable with my asking. Anyway, I feel embarrassed and am trying to figure out where to go from here: throw in the towel and assume she will contact me if she does have any interest or follow up with her in a couple of weeks. I don't want to appear too eager, or god forbid desperate and needy!!
Green Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 throw in the towl when you either dont like her anymore, or she has made it very clear nothing will ever happen other wise keep on going with your plans full steam ahead. the problem with you is you dont think about yourself enough, and you probably havnt done the correct amount of flirting. Sending some emails is one thing but you have to test your boundries with saying stuff and doing stuff to her in person. Let her back off and act luke warm its all part of the fun, just dont give up cause your getting embaresed I mean ur going to have to take the chance of getting rejected, and if you make your moves on this girl with class theres no shame in hearing her say No I dont want to go out with you or I kind of like some one else or what ever else she might say. Look my point is dont throw in the towel unless she makes it clear she doesnt like you in that way or you get tired of her.
FormerNiceGuy Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Her response was very lukewarm and it seemed that she was uncomfortable with my asking. Anyway, I feel embarrassed and am trying to figure out where to go from here: throw in the towel and assume she will contact me if she does have any interest or follow up with her in a couple of weeks. I don't want to appear too eager, or god forbid desperate and needy!! You made a smart move. Unlike a lot of guys, you actually made a move and asked her out. Now you know. You don't have to wonder. You don't have to hypothesize. You don't have to overanalyze. There's nothing left. Because now you know. At this point in time, it shows that she has no interest in you. Don't accept anything less than strong interest. Go for strong leads. Move to another prospect. Never keep someone who doesn't want to keep you. Read that line again. Never keep someone who doesn't want to keep you.
Author bchlvr Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 KMT and FormerNiceGuy (actually, you sound awfully nice - Thank you both very much for offering your perspective. Even though you have different viewpoints as to where I should go from here, you have helped me see that I really need to think more about myself. I feel better about my actions so thank you both. I definitely approached her respectfully and with class and that's something someone else might respond to with strong interest. So, I need to think about that with respect to growing tired of her. I also think the motto: Never keep someone who doesn't want to keep you, is very important.
Aloros Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Even if she responded in a lukewarm manner, I wouldn't necessarily give up. What did she say, exactly? I was extremely attracted to my current bf, loved talking to him and being around him, but when he asked me out, I hesitated. I said "maybe". He actually had to ask me three times before I said "yes" (I'm fairly embarrassed about this now). I'd gotten out of a 5.5-year relationship just a month earlier, and although I felt ready to date again, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. I knew my ex wouldn't take it well, and I wasn't sure what my friends would think of me. I'm glad he persisted. Just so you know, it could be that she's not interested and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Or, it could be that something completely separate from you is causing her to hesitate. You'll never know without a little more gentle persistence.
Author bchlvr Posted July 4, 2007 Author Posted July 4, 2007 Aloros, Thanks for sharing your story. It's very helpful to hear what the issues are for the person who is hesitating. What she said exactly was... Me: Would you be interested in having dinner together (or coming for dinner..cant' remember exactly) I'd like to get to know you better. Her: uh..........okay. There was hesitancy in her voice and she seemed suddenly uncomfortable, like she didn't want to say yes but finding it difficult to say no. It makes perfect sense that her hesitance could be unrelated to me or that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. One thing that is funny is that I am giving a talk this weekend and have a few friends coming to hear it. I just learned from my friends that she's coming too. That was interesting.
kymberann Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 Wll she didn't exactly say yes and she didn't exactly say no either. So give it some time, perhaps she has to warm up to the idea and like ALores stated perhaps there is something wlse going on that you are not aware of. By the sounds of it and coming from a females POV I like how you handled it all, it wasn't rushed, you actually got to know her first, sounds legit AND classy. Just keep in mind if it does not work for her, it will work for someone else! Keep us updated! Never keep someone who doesn't want to keep you I love it I am using it!!!! Best
Green Posted July 4, 2007 Posted July 4, 2007 my viewpoint isnt actualy different from former niceguy there is no reason to go after a girl who clearly doesnt like you. I just think in this case from what youve written it sounds like she hasnt actualy rejected you yet. You really need to just be yourself and not worry about getting rejected. She hasnt said she doesnt like you and she hasnt given you the I have a bf line or the theres some one I like, or the I like you just as a friend or a plain not if you were the last man on earth. just do it
StayClose Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 From what I'm reading, she's giving you mixed signals, so it's not clear if her interest in you is friends only, or if she thinks she might be more than friends. Here's what you should do: Invite her to dinner at a specific time. Her possible responses to this are 1) Yes - good news 2) I'm busy that evening, but if you're free on (other speciifc time) we can meet for dinner then - good news 3) No, I'm sorry if I misled you, but I'm not into you that way - bad news, but at least she's being clear and non-evasive. 4) I'm too busy (an no counter-offer) - RED FLAG If she says she's busy but there's no counter offer, then DON'T invite her out again, unless SHE comes back later and suggests a time for dinner, or drops clear strong hints that she's still interested.
buzzie2 Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 hi, i just finished reading your original post and all the answers so far and i would like to give another viewpoint. Being in that i'm in this same situation except that i am the girl, the guy that i really like hasn't asked me out yet although i'm positive he does like me and knows that i'm interested. Sometimes even though i really do like him i act cool around him just like your girl does. This is because i don't want him to think that i'm totally desperate or find out just how much i like him. Some girls (and guys) like to play a bit of hard to get. So her reaction when you asked her out, although she didn't have a very positive reaction does not in my opinion mean she does not still like you. Actually to be completely honest i think i would have reacted the same. She hesitated you say? Maybe she was just shocked that you finally had the balls to ask her out and you took her off guard. She may also still have some doupts whether she really wants to move past the "friend" stage; or she may be scared of getting hurt again which is a big fear of mine. So don't give up just yet. All the signs are there she does like you. These things take time and i wish the two of you well. ps, kudos for you to have the guts to ask her out, i am still waiting for my guy too!
Leoni Posted July 5, 2007 Posted July 5, 2007 Maybe she's shy? Talking to a guy as a friend is different than dating him.
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