Rude rejections: how to eradicate them?

[Leadnfllw]

My best advice is to get over it and move on. Don't ever take it personally, she may be in a weird state of mind, her cat may have died, or maybe she is a lesbian. The fact is you will never know so why try to figure it out?

 

I know it's easier said than done, but it's possible no one can really perturb you unless you allow it.

[Lights]

Do you have a hard time reading faces and social cues and body language? Because I get the impression that is a huge part of your problem.

 

Sometimes, sometimes not. But more often it's the case that situations are just too fast-moving for extended observation of face-reading and body-language-reading to be feasible.

 

Can you give us an example of what you might say to a woman you approach, and how she might respond to you that you woud find rude? Also, include an example of where this might happen - set the scene for us a little bit to give some context.

 

Lights,

 

Can you describe this "rude rejection" to us?...We'd like to provide a more objective assesment of her behavoir.

 

iiiiiihhhh. Are you approaching girls in bars?

 

This last one happened while I was leaving the gym. I don't go to bars; I hate nightlife. I passed by and asked her what the text on her shirt stood for. "IT'S A SHIRT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" She immediately then turned and left.

 

Such a situation might be trivial in the perspective of some people. But I do not have to tolerate this. It is vile enough that I have to singlehandedly and thanklessly battle through these sorts of situations, which are almost always very unrewarding to begin with. Having to suffer outright insults in addition is the final straw. I am sick of playing by the rules of a culture which dares to all but demand civility from me but nevertheless views civility towards me as being optional. It is time for this to end.

 

I walk away with grace when I still value myself after the rejection. I value myself because after the rudeness, I choose to no longer let the rude person be in my life ever. I know intellectually and I feel emotionally, that a person who makes me feel bad, isn't worth my time.

 

These are a given, unless it happens to be the case that one runs into the person again in future. However, the matter to me isn't so much about valuing myself as much as just plain outrage.

[oppath]

Ok, you are confusing some issues here. There is a difference between seeking revenge and crushing someone and standing up for yourself.

 

If the incident went down exactly as you described, you can say "Nothing is wrong with me. I was only asking about your shirt, I liked it and wanted to compliment you." In that statement you reveal your feelings (you liked something about her) and your intentions (you wanted to compliment her). there is no need to crush her for her rejection.

 

 

If a woman rejects you, she is not rejecting you. She is rejecting all the other guys, her past experiences, etc that have convinced her to say "no." It has nothing to do with you, she does not know you. It has to do with people in her past. If you are rejected, it has nothing to do with you.

[Lights]

Ok, you are confusing some issues here. There is a difference between seeking revenge and crushing someone and standing up for yourself.

They are one and the same when the situation is sufficiently adversarial.

 

If the incident went down exactly as you described, you can say...

Wrong. The situation as described did not permit me to even say anything, as she had left by the time I was able to react. It may or may not (I don't remember well enough) have been the case that I was so shocked that I may have not taken advantage of to have dealt something as she turned away, however.

 

"Nothing is wrong with me. I was only asking about your shirt, I liked it and wanted to compliment you." In that statement you reveal your feelings (you liked something about her) and your intentions (you wanted to compliment her). there is no need to crush her for her rejection.

There is a difference between mere rejection versus rude rejections. Being shouted at and having it implied that something is wrong with me crosses a red line. Upon being spoken to in such a manner, I do not see myself under any compunction to withstand the insult and take the time to speak as you describe, even if she had not left the area as quickly as she did.

 

The issue is the disrespect, not rejection.

 

If a woman rejects you, she is not rejecting you. She is rejecting all the other guys, her past experiences, etc that have convinced her to say "no." It has nothing to do with you, she does not know you. It has to do with people in her past. If you are rejected, it has nothing to do with you.

 

Quite possibly. But whatever her history may be, and no matter what it is she wishes to say no to, I do not have to suffer any disrespect.

[Trimmer]

Lights - there was no excuse for her being rude, and she certainly was.

 

Having said that, I would bet that if, in social settings that are not characteristically "meeting" types of situations, if you wait to initiate an approach until you get positive eye contact (someone who makes eye contact with you and holds it for a second, without looking down or away) and a somewhat relaxed face (an "open" look, like an invitation to talk, or a query, as opposed to a furrowed brow, say) and maybe even a slight smile, then you might avoid a lot of what you are thinking of as "rejections."

 

You see, you look at this as a rejection of an advance. She was probably looking at it as if she's going about her business at the gym, and doesn't want to be bothered by anyone. To her, it's not even a "rejection", so to speak, it may be an overblown "you didn't get my 'leave me alone' body language, so now I'll say: please leave me alone" response.

 

Now, unless you were rude to her in your approach (which involves both your words and your body language...) I can't imagine why she would have been so aggressively defensive, but I can imagine a woman at a gym trying to mind her own business, not looking for (and probably actually wanting to avoid) social contact. If that was her attitude and the "vibe" she was giving off, then your approach might have been interpreted as an unwelcome interruption.

 

So, I'm not putting any blame back on you for her specific rudeness and disrespect. However, especially since it sounds like maybe you don't find yourself in "typical" meeting situations, it might benefit you to be a little more vigilant about gauging when your approaches may be unwelcome.

 

For example, you say you were passing her. Had you ever seen her before, or was this the first 3 seconds you had ever seen each other? Did she make eye contact with you? Any smile or positive facial expression? Did you try initiating eye contact and smiling at her first to see what her reaction would be? Was there any body language opening at all?

 

You say - with apparent anger, I infer - "I do not have to suffer any disrespect". I don't quite know what to tell you. I am not in a position to give you advice on how to "strike back" to make yourself feel better and "stand up for yourself," as it is not in my character to respond this way in such a situation. I'll reiterate what I think I said earlier, that I don't see the point in adding more aggression to the world when you could let it bounce off and move on with your life instead.

 

As much as you insist on your refusal to accept disrespect, you will find that you will not be able to completely control other people's reactions to you, except by avoiding contact with them. But I believe your best bet here is somewhere in the middle - not to completely avoid contact with all people, but to sharpen your sense of when your contacts might be welcomed, and when they might not be.

 

I can't remember an instance when I have been rudely "rejected", in anything like the manner you have experienced. And I'm no recluse; I'm fairly outgoing. I have spoken - occasionally flirted, even - with women in line at the bank, with cashiers at all kinds of stores and shops, all kinds of daily-life situations (and yes, probably at the gym.) But I do have a sense and a sensitivity to signals and situations that don't point towards success, and I keep it to myself in those situations.

 

If you are not sensitive to that, and you are sort of "insisting" on initiating contacts with people in situations where you are misreading the signs and/or the situation, maybe this is adding to some of the apparently high proportion of negative responses you to get.

 

Can you give an example of a positive response you have gotten? What was the situation, how did you approach, how did she respond (words and body language), and how did it turn out?

 

 

I am sick of playing by the rules of a culture which dares to all but demand civility from me but nevertheless views civility towards me as being optional. It is time for this to end.... the matter to me isn't so much about valuing myself as much as just plain outrage.

Actually, I think if you had more self-confidence and placed more value on yourself, then when confronted with a rude person, you would probably be able to laugh, say "whatever...," and move on in your life without outrage.

 

However, that may just be my perspective, given that I seldom get such rude responses in encounters that I initiate. If I often - or always - got rude responses, I would seriously consider the possibility that my own social skills could use some tuning.

[doiask42much]

 

 

Why do you say that? Have the methods you have used proven ineffective or otherwise a liability?

 

 

When people are strangers, I've always been more than gracious, in this, one of the rudest, most superficial cities in the country. As a former ugly duckling, I've always known I'd never want to be on the receiving end of such rudeness.

 

However, when I have been intimate with someone or something along those lines, all bets are off. I'm vulnerable and the gloves come off and I say whatever I feel like saying.

[doiask42much]

I say this not because my methods have proven ineffective or otherwise a liability but because I don't want to teach others to be angry and vengeful; it may seem satisfying and even funny at the time, but later, you will realize that it has left a mark on your soul. If you have one.

[lonelybird]

Light

 

Have you ever think about instead of revengence, question why did you take such other's behaviours so personally?

 

You cannot make and command others to respect you. You aren't in that position to control others' behaviours. After revengence, what left to you?fear, people will fear of you, and leave you alone, certainly they won't like to be your friends.

 

You cannot control others, What you can do is to control yourself. You do sound like you have a huge ego. Many men who have small egos they just can laugh off and walk away, not a big deal.

 

Why is so difficult to let it go? Do you think you SHOULD control everything? and this controlling ability should define you?

[Morganp]

I wrote about

[Lights]

When people are strangers, I've always been more than gracious, in this, one of the rudest, most superficial cities in the country. As a former ugly duckling, I've always known I'd never want to be on the receiving end of such rudeness.

 

However, when I have been intimate with someone or something along those lines, all bets are off. I'm vulnerable and the gloves come off and I say whatever I feel like saying.

 

I say this not because my methods have proven ineffective or otherwise a liability but because I don't want to teach others to be angry and vengeful; it may seem satisfying and even funny at the time, but later, you will realize that it has left a mark on your soul. If you have one.

 

If your description is accurate, it's good to know people like you are still out there, even in those sorts of wretch-laden cities. What do you mean by "it has left a mark on your soul. If you have one."? Is there something that you believe happened to you as a result of something you've done?

 

Light

After revengence, what left to you?fear, people will fear of you, and leave you alone, certainly they won't like to be your friends.

I strongly suspect that that might nevertheless be much preferable to what I am currently encountering.

 

Having said that, I would bet that if, in social settings that are not characteristically "meeting" types of situations...

The thing is, situations wherein people specifically want to meet anyone with purely social intentions really don't exist where I come from. One can, and many people do, always and forever make the excuses of "But people go to [whatever] to [do whatever], not to meet people" day and night. But if I paid such excuses any heed, I'd probably know a grand total of five people in my entire lifetime. That's not exactly the makings of any social life worth its proverbial salt.

 

...if you wait to initiate an approach until you get positive eye contact (someone who makes eye contact with you and holds it for a second, without looking down or away) and a somewhat relaxed face (an "open" look, like an invitation to talk, or a query, as opposed to a furrowed brow, say) and maybe even a slight smile, then you might avoid a lot of what you are thinking of as "rejections."

If I waited for multiple entire seconds on end passively watching before approaching someone, I'd never meet anyone who wasn't already introduced to me save for in the most static of situations, because I would already have been gone. In real situations, if I take that long either they or I will already have passed by.

 

...I can't imagine why she would have been so aggressively defensive, but I can imagine a woman at a gym trying to mind her own business, not looking for (and probably actually wanting to avoid) social contact. If that was her attitude and the "vibe" she was giving off, then your approach might have been interpreted as an unwelcome interruption.

There was no question of anyone having interrupted anyone's workout. I was leaving, and she was standing near a stairway and was not working out at the time.

 

For example, you say you were passing her. Had you ever seen her before, or was this the first 3 seconds you had ever seen each other? Did she make eye contact with you? Any smile or positive facial expression? Did you try initiating eye contact and smiling at her first to see what her reaction would be? Was there any body language opening at all?

No to all of the above. I generally don't get to choose who's around wherever I happen to be, nor do I get to know ahead of time who's going to be in whose range of vision when. By the time three seconds might hypothetically have passed, I'd already have been out of any physical distance range lending itself to socializing.

 

Can you give an example of a positive response you have gotten? What was the situation, how did you approach, how did she respond (words and body language), and how did it turn out?

 

Damn, it's been a while. I'm not sure if I remember that much about how the most recent positive response went. This situation was also in a gym; I happened to be passing by one of the mats where the woman in question was in resting in between sets at. I told her that I thought she was cute. She said thanks and told me that was sweet. Body language was ordinary I suppose. It turned out fine; she was friendly, sweet, and fun to talk to. She happened to have a boyfriend, so nothing happened of it, but that was fine.

 

Actually, I think if you had more self-confidence and placed more value on yourself, then when confronted with a rude person, you would probably be able to laugh, say "whatever...," and move on in your life without outrage.

Then I'm utterly confused. Just what is there to laugh about? Being forced, year after year, into having absolutely zero choice but to open myself up to potentially unlimited amounts of crap like what I encountered or else guarantee myself no remotely dating-related interaction of any kind (since, sickeningly, no one in my life so far ever approaches me with the intention to meet me and date me) is supposed to be funny? Being disrespected with apparent impunity is ostensibly enjoyable?

 

I don't get it. Just what sort of masochist am I expected to be?

 

And just how does valuing oneself, self-confidence, or whatever change the situation?

 

However, that may just be my perspective, given that I seldom get such rude responses in encounters that I initiate. If I often - or always - got rude responses, I would seriously consider the possibility that my own social skills could use some tuning.

I can only guess.

[doiask42much]

If your description is accurate, it's good to know people like you are still out there, even in those sorts of wretch-laden cities. What do you mean by "it has left a mark on your soul. If you have one."? Is there something that you believe happened to you as a result of something you've done?

 

Yes? I guess years of being nasty to people and thinking it was cool and funny finally made me realize what a horrible person I was and that I didn't like myself so I sought to make others feel as low as I did. I don't know, it's pretty convoluted really. Probably not that relevant, since you're talking about rejection on initial approach, right? Not after dates and such? I can't recall ever having been rude to a total stranger who hit on me, unless they did it obnoxiously and/or were slobbering drunk/coming onto every other woman in the place.

 

I guess I'm not clear on what's been happening to you exactly. What are you saying to these women? What are they saying back? What is the context/setting? I gather it was the gym. Sometimes it's hard for people to be friendly when they are sober. They don't call alcohol a social lubricant for nothing. When people are in the middle of performing tasks, they generally have less patience for small talk also. I think people are more leery/defensive/otherwise engaged with ipods/phones/PDAs these days as well, which doesn't help.

 

You seem pretty angry and bitter (not saying you don't have your reasons), but it seems likely that you may betray your bitterness in your demeanor and approach without meaning to. And if you're approaching average-looking women, not hot girls, they are less used to it and can be somewhat suspicious of your motives.

[Carbine]

The only way to eradicate rude rejections is to never put yourself out there ever again. Heh.

Agreed. If you don't give them power over you then they can't really do or say much to hurt you. Unfortunately, it's much easier said than done.

 

Plan B: unless you're extremely quick-witted and able to quickly get past the initial shock of being rudely rejected, it's basically impossible to come up with a snappy and equally devastating comeback on the spot. The best thing to do is to go away and let yourself simmer with rage for a bit over the incident, and wait for a good opportunity to unleash your cruelty upon the person. It's not all that hard to devastate someone - you just have to hit where it hurts. Pinpoint the areas in which you suspect they may be slightly sensitive (weight, race and physical imperfections are a good place to start), let your mind cook up some vicious thoughts, and then enjoy waiting for the perfect moment when you may take revenge...

[StayClose]

The thing is, situations wherein people specifically want to meet anyone with purely social intentions really don't exist where I come from. One can, and many people do, always and forever make the excuses of "But people go to [whatever] to [do whatever], not to meet people" day and night. But if I paid such excuses any heed, I'd probably know a grand total of five people in my entire lifetime. That's not exactly the makings of any social life worth its proverbial salt.

 

I don't believe that. While some women don't like to be approached at the gym of at the supermarket, some wouldn't mind. Don't let one rude women at the gym discourage you. If you appraoch these situations with a side hostile remark ready in your head, that affects the vide you put out and makes an unfavorable response from her more likely. Instead, just respond "Well, excuse me,.. just trying to be friendly."

 

As for good places to appraoch people socially, every city has lots of clubs dedicated to hobbies of sorts. Check out clubs for hobbies & interests you have, and you'll meet people who share your interests. If if the women you meet initially have husbands or boyfriends, if you can join their social circles you'll meet the single women they know in better social environments than bars or gyms.

[Sevenmack]

The best way I compare rejection in dating is to rejection by potential employers. In both cases, the issue is usually not personal, it's about that which they, be it a woman or an employer, is seeking. Often they don't even know what they are seeking in a mate or hire. And much of their thinking is clouded by their own subjective reality.

 

Back when I was job hunting, a potential employer told me that I didn't have enough "national experience" for the job for which he was hiring. This despite the fact that I spent half of my career working for national magazines and newspapers far more prominent than that for which he ran. That snub annoyed me, but I decided to move on.

 

A few years later, after landing a job and winning several national awards for my work, I ran into the guy at a national conference, where he congratulated me on my work. I felt like telling him that perhaps he would have been the beneficiary of my talent if he hired me, but at that point, it just wasn't worth it. After all, I didn't match the profile of the candidate he was seeking and my success didn't make him wish that he hired me. He moved on long ago and so had I.

 

The same thing happened with a woman who rejected my advances. At the time, I didn't have much to offer outside of potential. I was, in my opinion, better than the ex-boyfriend with whom she had an up-and-down relationship and didn't, according to her own words, treat her well. But she didn't see me as the type of man she wanted to become her companion. Again, I was miffed, but I moved on.

 

When I met up with her a decade -- and a more successful life -- later, she said it was nice to see I had done well. But by that point, she had married her ex and she seemed happy. I didn't match her profile then, still didn't match it at that time, and besides, she had moved on with her life. So had I.

 

None of this, of course, makes on feel better. And when the person is rude or simply makes an ignorant statement, it's awful. As my future mother-in-law always says, you have to deal with people where they are. Some folks just don't see you the person and don't ever want to. And there's not much you can do about it. Besides, it goes both ways: There are probably plenty of women -- or employers -- you may have rejected out of hand, even though they may have offered what you are seeking.

 

Rejection is more often than not about you the person. So taking revenge is meaningless. If they didn't want to get to know you better then, it's not going to change now. So the focus should be on being the best person you can be and improving with age. Everything else, including rejection, doesn't -- and shouldn't -- matter.

 

Frankly Lights, you need to grow up a bit. In your life, you will be rejected countless times by countless people. You can't spend your time getting revenge for all of those slights. And at the end of the day, it's not even about you personally, so it's not worth the time.

[jcster]

This last one happened while I was leaving the gym. I don't go to bars; I hate nightlife. I passed by and asked her what the text on her shirt stood for. "IT'S A SHIRT! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?" She immediately then turned and left.

Well, that was a bit abrupt, for sure. But I would also be annoyed if someone just walked up to me in the gym and asked me inane questions that implied they were looking at my chest. The gym is one of those places that many people (including me) go to be left alone in public. You caught her on a bad day, she didn't want to talk to you (maybe she gets hit on a lot) and she made you go away. For her, it's mission accomplished.

 

Such a situation might be trivial in the perspective of some people. But I do not have to tolerate this.

Yes, you do. It's called life. You don't have to like it, but not tolerating it is not an option. What do you think would have happened if you reacted negatively to this woman that you walked up to at the gym. Play through the scenario - I give you a 75% chance of getting booted from the gym.

 

It is vile enough that I have to singlehandedly and thanklessly battle through these sorts of situations, which are almost always very unrewarding to begin with.

No one is making you do this. Why should you be thanked for hitting on women at the gym?

 

Having to suffer outright insults in addition is the final straw. I am sick of playing by the rules of a culture which dares to all but demand civility from me but nevertheless views civility towards me as being optional. It is time for this to end.

Look. If you want to hit on women - go to a place where women go to be hit on. Go to the bar, go to a club, go to a party. If you feel you really must approach women at other venues like the gym, laudromat or (shudder) the bus (please..don't do that, it's really creepy) - then you will need to work on your small talk and your interpretation of body language. You will also need to realize that people aren't always going to approve of your choice of fishing grounds and react accordingly.

[doiask42much]

I think a lot of women feel self-conscious and not looking their best when they go to the gym, as they are usually wearing ratty clothes, sweating, and probably don't have makeup on. Maybe she's self-conscious about her chest for some reason and thought you were looking at it.

[IWalkAlone]

Look. If you want to hit on women - go to a place where women go to be hit on. Go to the bar, go to a club, go to a party. If you feel you really must approach women at other venues like the gym, laudromat or (shudder) the bus (please..don't do that, it's really creepy) - then you will need to work on your small talk and your interpretation of body language. You will also need to realize that people aren't always going to approve of your choice of fishing grounds and react accordingly.

 

So if I guy doesn't have a girlfriend, and he wants to one, any effort in that direction is "hitting on" or "fishing," which implies that the whole activity is creepy or suspect. Am I hearing you right?

 

As for going to a club or bar, this works for good looking guys, but the rest of us need a quieter environment where you're not trying to talk over the constant thump-thump-thump and she's not worried so if her friends think you're hot enough.

[IWalkAlone]

Rejection is more often than not about you the person. So taking revenge is meaningless. If they didn't want to get to know you better then, it's not going to change now. So the focus should be on being the best person you can be and improving with age. Everything else, including rejection, doesn't -- and shouldn't -- matter.

 

Frankly Lights, you need to grow up a bit. In your life, you will be rejected countless times by countless people. You can't spend your time getting revenge for all of those slights. And at the end of the day, it's not even about you personally, so it's not worth the time.

 

True, everyone expereinces rejection in their lives, but some experience it a lot more than others. There are some guys who seem to always have a girlfriend at any given time, and when they break up with one, they have another within a few weeks.

 

Then there are other guys who get rejected over and over for little or no apparent reason. They's like to know why, because after a while it feels like banging your head against the wall. The advice people give is not helpful (Everyone gets rejected, get over it!!! - yes, but almost every time? You're asking out the wrong girls - Then who are the right ones? Where's someone out there for you - But what if she lives in Madagascar?)

 

I agree that revenge is not helpful. So let's help the romantically challanges improve their ability to generate romantic/sexual interest in the women they meet.

[Lights]

Yes? I guess years of being nasty to people and thinking it was cool and funny finally made me realize what a horrible person I was and that I didn't like myself so I sought to make others feel as low as I did. I don't know, it's pretty convoluted really. Probably not that relevant, since you're talking about rejection on initial approach, right? Not after dates and such? I can't recall ever having been rude to a total stranger who hit on me, unless they did it obnoxiously and/or were slobbering drunk/coming onto every other woman in the place.

That's correct, these were all initial approaches.

 

I guess I'm not clear on what's been happening to you exactly. What are you saying to these women? What are they saying back? What is the context/setting? I gather it was the gym. Sometimes it's hard for people to be friendly when they are sober. They don't call alcohol a social lubricant for nothing. When people are in the middle of performing tasks, they generally have less patience for small talk also. I think people are more leery/defensive/otherwise engaged with ipods/phones/PDAs these days as well, which doesn't help.

This last situation happened to have been in a gym. Not all of the ones in the past have been, though. Maybe you're right; perhaps the state of humanity in my area is so disgustingly retrograde that they must rely on the use of a drug to have any hope of regaining abilities that most children and young teenagers could utilize. In practice, though, even alcohol users are unfriendly as well. I guess I need to move from this area.

 

You seem pretty angry and bitter (not saying you don't have your reasons), but it seems likely that you may betray your bitterness in your demeanor and approach without meaning to.

I'm sure I might show some bitterness, but I really don't know what I can do about it. I don't exactly know any method of eradicating the source of the bitterness.

 

Plan B: unless you're extremely quick-witted and able to quickly get past the initial shock of being rudely rejected, it's basically impossible to come up with a snappy and equally devastating comeback on the spot. The best thing to do is to go away and let yourself simmer with rage for a bit over the incident, and wait for a good opportunity to unleash your cruelty upon the person. It's not all that hard to devastate someone - you just have to hit where it hurts. Pinpoint the areas in which you suspect they may be slightly sensitive (weight, race and physical imperfections are a good place to start), let your mind cook up some vicious thoughts, and then enjoy waiting for the perfect moment when you may take revenge...

Thanks, Carbine. In most cases I don't see them again, but I just want it gotten across that to disrespect me is a very bad idea. In my case, it's not the individual incident that's got me simmering; the incident is long over. It's the phenomenon that's getting to me.

 

I don't believe that.

Precisely. I don't believe it either myself, and I mentioned exactly what would happen if I did. Nevertheless, even the situations you suggested still lend themselves to the very same excuse. Not that I haven't applied those suggestions when they were applicable, though.

 

The best way I compare rejection in dating is to rejection by potential employers.

 

Frankly Lights, you need to grow up a bit. In your life, you will be rejected countless times by countless people.

 

Although I thank you for your advice, it is obvious you have not read the posts enough to realize that it is not rejection but rude rejections that I am tired of. Rejection certainly may happen, but disrespecting me is to become verboten.

 

Well, that was a bit abrupt, for sure. But I would also be annoyed if someone just walked up to me in the gym and asked me inane questions that implied they were looking at my chest.

Inane? Perhaps. Got any genius-level methods of ice-breaking that completely transcend any that I have applied in my life before?

 

The gym is one of those places that many people (including me) go to be left alone in public.

As theoretically any place in existence could also be described, no?

 

You caught her on a bad day, she didn't want to talk to you (maybe she gets hit on a lot) and she made you go away. For her, it's mission accomplished.

And she did so via rudeness and disrespect. I don't consider that kosher. So a lesson must be taught, and not merely to me. Mission accomplished? Bah. That sort of talk is a game six billion can play. With the ego of any future such person who attempts such shattered, I might then say mission accomplished myself for the mission that comes up in such situations.

 

Yes, you do. It's called life. You don't have to like it, but not tolerating it is not an option. What do you think would have happened if you reacted negatively to this woman that you walked up to at the gym. Play through the scenario - I give you a 75% chance of getting booted from the gym.

Who would dare boot me from the gym? And on what pretext? Shouting insults at someone is obviously permitted, as she was not booted from the gym. Why would a quietly, civilly delivered, devastating retort, leaving her or any other demolished mentally and emotionally, be such trouble?

 

Look. If you want to hit on women - go to a place where women go to be hit on. Go to the bar, go to a club, go to a party.

Who said women at those environments want to get hit on? They're there to get drunk with their existing friends, not to meet anyone. Again, the same excuse can be and generally is applied. "But people go to [wherever] to [do whatever], not meet people."

 

So if I guy doesn't have a girlfriend, and he wants to one, any effort in that direction is "hitting on" or "fishing," which implies that the whole activity is creepy or suspect. Am I hearing you right?

Two words: Amen, brotha.

 

 

Everyone: I'm not asking this so I can ask "what do I do about seeing a woman in the gym"; that's just how and where that one situation occurred. I'm asking how to make disrespecting me become too unappetizing a choice to be worth considering by people still possessed of some level of rationality.

[jcster]

If you are continually experiencing rudeness from people that you are attempting to meet, then you really need to look at what YOU are doing, rather than what they are doing. The common denominator here is you and your approach. I would have been mildly annoyed if you had walked up to me at the gym and made a comment about my shirt. If you came up to me and made a comment about my shirt and I caught a weird vibe from you, I would be rude. It's simple self-preservation on my part.

 

but I just want it gotten across that to disrespect me is a very bad idea.

 

This is not going to make you popular with anyone. It sounds a little scary (in a crazy way) actually - and no one likes a scary person.

 

Who would dare boot me from the gym? And on what pretext? Shouting insults at someone is obviously permitted, as she was not booted from the gym. Why would a quietly, civilly delivered, devastating retort, leaving her or any other demolished mentally and emotionally, be such trouble?

 

Who would boot you? Management. What grounds? Harassment. She didn't walk up to you shouting insults - she reacted badly to YOU approaching HER. She didn't like you or your comment and wanted you to stay away. That is her right. If you were to utter your "devastating retort" she would view you at best as an utter jerk, and at worst, a dangerous, angry, crazy guy that will follow her from the gym. What you're not getting is that YOU are approaching THEM. They have the right to respond in any way they see fit. They did not accost you shouting slurs. They didn't want to talk to you!

 

The problem here is that you are only seeing your side of things. You really need to look at what you are doing. You are blaming other people and society at large for the reactions you are getting and that's just not going to help you. Getting angry isn't going to help and getting even is going to help even less. You should bring a friend with you next time and have them watch you talk to people - they might be able to let you know what you are doing wrong.

[jcster]

So if I guy doesn't have a girlfriend, and he wants to one, any effort in that direction is "hitting on" or "fishing," which implies that the whole activity is creepy or suspect. Am I hearing you right?

 

Talking to someone you don't know with the express purpose of getting a date from them is "hitting on them." Talking to large numbers of the above mentioned is "fishing." Creepy or suspect? That judgement is left to the fish.

[amerikajin]

Some weeks back I had suffered a rude rejection; I've since lost patience and have decided to no longer let a rude rejection go unpunished.

 

I wrote about it here, but in a rather incoherent rant, and the post got ignored.

 

Can anyone here teach me how to completely shatter the ego and/or spirit of someone who chooses to reject me rudely?

 

Your problem is that you don't "get it" with women. Not trying to be rude, but that's what I'm seeing here. You don't know when a woman is interested and when she's not, and when you approach women with that kind of ignorance, you're setting yourself up to be shot down. I had the same problem for a long time myself, so I'm not picking on you or anything.

 

The good news is, you can get better but you do have to do your homework and get some tips. I don't necessarily advise using dating experts for pick-up lines or tricks, but you can learn some good basic dating "do's and don'ts" from guys like Doc Love or David DeAngelo. Don't try to be someone you're not, but Doc, for example, really does mention some quality stuff about standing up for yourself and not taking any crap - but in a way that makes you look good. Even more importantly, he also gives some tips on what signs of interest to look for and that kind of stuff. Just read his articles - they're online. Read other articles, too. But most importantly, just don't lose your pride or confidence. Keep dating. Don't get pissed off. I've done it a time or two myself, but it's definitely not cool. It only makes women think you're a nut case if you blow your top.

 

As for how to make women respect you and save face, well, just know that you can't ever control what another person does - that's point number one. But, you can always control what YOU do. I've been rudely rejected or ignored when I thought I shouldn't have been, and I just learned to deal with it by immediately and abruptly ignoring her and going on about my business. Those times when you run into a bona fide queen bytch, you just have to sort of give them the "WTF?" look. I've done that before and it puts it all back on them - especially if you know how to pull it off and you do it right in front of their friends. You make them think "Damn, you know, I guess I'm being a bytch, hunh?" They may not give you the satisfaction of hearing them admit it, but sometimes you can tell by how they respond that you've made your point. But whatever, the point is, you have to just roll with it and not give a sh*t.

[StayClose]

 

Precisely. I don't believe it either myself, and I mentioned exactly what would happen if I did. Nevertheless, even the situations you suggested still lend themselves to the very same excuse. Not that I haven't applied those suggestions when they were applicable, though.

 

Do you have no hobbies that have clubs? Or are there no clubs in your area? Why would anyone go to a club about hiking or model trains political discussion or whatever and NOT be going there to meet people with common interests?

 

 

Everyone: I'm not asking this so I can ask "what do I do about seeing a woman in the gym"; that's just how and where that one situation occurred. I'm asking how to make disrespecting me become too unappetizing a choice to be worth considering by people still possessed of some level of rationality.

 

Well, you could key their cars, leave gift-wrapped dog poop at their doors, or just shout obsenities at them, but all of these thing will make establishing the relationship you want even LESS likely, so I still say this is the wrong question.

[StayClose]

Talking to someone you don't know with the express purpose of getting a date from them is "hitting on them." Talking to large numbers of the above mentioned is "fishing." Creepy or suspect? That judgement is left to the fish.

 

If a guy does not have a girlfriend and there is no one suitable for that role in his circle of friends, is there somethingbetter to do about it?

 

Or should he just go fishing and hitting and not worry if some of the fish find him creepy?

[jcster]

If a guy does not have a girlfriend and there is no one suitable for that role in his circle of friends, is there somethingbetter to do about it?

 

From what I've learned from male friends, finding a date this way is a lot like doing cold calls in sales. Sometimes, it just works, and you meet the girl of your dreams on the subway. Most times, though, it's hard work and can be demoralizing. I don't think it's inherently creepy or wrong, but I feel kind of sorry for the guys who go about it this way.

 

I would recommend signing up for some co-ed activities. Some club of interest - heck even a book club! Also continue to expand your circle of platonic friends. This exponentially increases the number of people that you can have the opportunity to know. If you don't like going to bars or clubs - try throwing a barbeque at a local park or the beach. Invite all of your friends (even aquaintances) and more than likely they will bring friends of their own. This will give you a chance to get to know a woman in a mellow setting - you already have friends in common and will have a topic of conversation. Plus, everyone loves the person who throws the party, so you have that in your favor. The minute you stop looking for love and start living your life - the women will come out of the woodwork - it's a proven fact!