Rude rejections: how to eradicate them?

[Lights]

Some weeks back I had suffered a rude rejection; I've since lost patience and have decided to no longer let a rude rejection go unpunished.

 

I wrote about it here, but in a rather incoherent rant, and the post got ignored.

 

Can anyone here teach me how to completely shatter the ego and/or spirit of someone who chooses to reject me rudely?

 

Thanks to all in advance.

[Star Gazer]

Some weeks back I had suffered a rude rejection; I've since lost patience and have decided to no longer let a rude rejection go unpunished.

 

I wrote about it here, but in a rather incoherent rant, and the post got ignored.

 

Can anyone here teach me how to completely shatter the ego and/or spirit of someone who chooses to reject me rudely?

 

Thanks to all in advance.

 

 

You want us to teach you how to seek heartless, spineless revenge on someone who rejected you? Why?

 

Living well is the best revenge. Move on with your life.

 

If she truly is a rude person and you do something with the hopes of making her feel badly, she'll see right through you and laugh at you...and laugh at you to her friends...and her friends friends...etc.

 

Be the bigger man and just move on.

[Lights]

You want us to teach you how to seek heartless, spineless revenge on someone who rejected you? Why?

 

Living well is the best revenge. Move on with your life.

 

If she truly is a rude person and you do something with the hopes of making her feel badly, she'll see right through you and laugh at you...and laugh at you to her friends...and her friends friends...etc.

 

Be the bigger man and just move on.

 

I don't know what heartless spineless revenge is.

 

Moving on is a given. Real life is fast-moving.

 

I don't care who anyone's friends are, and nor do I care if I'm seen through, as long as people learn that I am to be shown respect. Not everyone has to like me, but it is important that the lesson is taught that I am to be shown respect or else.

[Star Gazer]

as long as people learn that I am to be shown respect.

 

You don't TEACH people to respect you. You command respect, before they have disrespected you. You can't force someone to respect you once they've decided and acted on their disrespect for you.

 

but it is important that the lesson is taught that I am to be shown respect or else.

 

"Or else" what? You'll seek revenge????

[Lights]

You don't TEACH people to respect you. You command respect, before they have disrespected you. You can't force someone to respect you once they've decided and acted on their disrespect for you.

Okay. How is commanding respect done?

 

Perhaps one cannot force someone to respect one ex post facto, as you say. But in such situations there is still the matter of what would be an effective deterrent for any similar transgression in future, or at least send them crawling back to their holes with their tails between their legs.

 

"Or else" what? You'll seek revenge????

 

No comment.

[doiask42much]

The only way to eradicate rude rejections is to never put yourself out there ever again. Heh.

[Storyrider]

Whenever I read your posts, you seem almost as though you are trying to figure out what it means to be human and to interact with humans. It is like you are learning it all from scratch, or trying to paint by the numbers emotionally instead of just using your own sympathy and empathy and gut and common sense to interact.

 

What is that all about?

[oppath]

I agree with SG. A life lived WELL is the BEST REVENGE.

 

Yes, there are times when it is appropriate to say "I feel disrespected and am angry" post facto. But to ACT OUT YOUR ANGER AND FEELING OF DISRESPECT won't make people respect you nor will it demonstrate you deserve respect.

 

My ex disrespected me -- she didn't tell me her EX proposed to her just before our break up and she asked me to be FWB 2 weeks after she dumped me (and said she was just joking when I expressed scathing anger at her) -- the end result...I wanted revenge, I threatened to tell her ex about me if she couldn't tell me the truth about the breakup, etc. I was in a drunken rage at the time (another lesson learned, next time I go through a painful breakup, I am avoiding alcohol for 2 months). I didn't receive respect. All her and her friends did was laugh at me. I looked pathetic in their eyes and felt pathetic.

 

There was no perfect way to handle that situation because there was no solution to the problem, it was unresolvable. In hindsight, I can see MANY instances where I was essentially a doormat within the relationship and did not command respect before disrespect occured. This is one reason I reacted, I was so pissed at being taken advantage of, because I would say "I feel disrespected" but I did not command that respect. If I could do things over again, I would have reacted, but I would have toned down the emotions of my reaction, and just said "I feel hurt and disrespected you would ask that of me. It belittles me. It devalues our relationship and the feelings I had for you and thought you had for me. You are not the person I thought you were and I am disappointed. To joke with the emotions of someone who you know you hurt is classless and cruel." instead of a "**** you, how dare you, I deserve more than that" rant. Really, NO reaction would have been best. I didn't know because I had not been there.

 

Point is, my reaction made me look silly to many people, people who at one point respected me. In fact, my email rant was forwarded to many people and served as fodder to make me look foolish. Now, my ex ****ed up, but REVENGE? The best revenge would have been no response and living a life well lived. I set myself back a couple months in my healing by reacting as I did. It only made things worse. All I can do is learn from the experience and MAKE BETTER CHOICES and COMMAND RESPECT before I am disrespected. And when I am disrespected, all I have to do is say "I feel disrespected and I won't tolerate it" instead of vocally making a show of that feeling. Saying "I feel angry" will suffice. I don't need to demonstrate it.

 

Don't take revenge. If you ever run into this person, a simple "I felt disrespected the way that happened" may or may not be appropriate, but you will do no good to yourself to seek revenge.

[jcster]

Can anyone here teach me how to completely shatter the ego and/or spirit of someone who chooses to reject me rudely?

This comment alone tells me why you were rejected rudely. Try not to be such a vindictive, tiny person, and the next time you might be rejected with respect. Seriously, what could any person do to you to justify this type of request? "Shatter their ego and/or spirit? Who are you....Darth Vader? get a LIFE!

[lino]

This is definitely the wrong approach, you just need to move on. Getting revenge will just show you're obsessed.

[Lights]

Whenever I read your posts, you seem almost as though you are trying to figure out what it means to be human and to interact with humans. It is like you are learning it all from scratch, or trying to paint by the numbers emotionally instead of just using your own sympathy and empathy and gut and common sense to interact.

 

What is that all about?

 

I haven't a clue about any of that. Never really thought of myself as inhuman.

 

I do what I can to learn.

 

As far as using sympathy, empathy, gut, and common sense, I don't really know save for that all too often I've found myself in situations where common sense just doesn't seem to apply.

 

The only way to eradicate rude rejections is to never put yourself out there ever again. Heh.

 

I see. Have you been struck with such situations often? (This isn't the first time I've encountered this.)

 

I agree with SG. A life lived WELL is the BEST REVENGE...

 

...All I can do is learn from the experience and MAKE BETTER CHOICES and COMMAND RESPECT before I am disrespected. And when I am disrespected, all I have to do is say "I feel disrespected and I won't tolerate it" instead of vocally making a show of that feeling. Saying "I feel angry" will suffice. I don't need to demonstrate it.

 

I'm sorry to hear such a thing happened to you. I don't really know what to say about these sorts of things.

 

But your answer still leaves me with the same question I was left asking Star Gazer: how does one command respect?

[jcster]

how does one command respect?

Respect usually goes to the respectable. I know that sounds flip, but it's true. People who respect themselves end up respecting others in return. When someone receives respect they often return it - and so it goes. The key is self-respect (as opposed to pride - which prompted this post). Respect can't be demanded, it can ONLY be earned. If your not getting it, then you need to ask yourself if you are respecting yourself and others.

 

An example: Vindictively seeking to shatter the ego/spirit of someone who rejected you is NOT a way to garner respect. Accepting rejection with good grace, even if it was badly done, and moving on without resentment is something I definitely respect.

[Trimmer]

Okay. How is commanding respect done?

 

Perhaps one cannot force someone to respect one ex post facto, as you say. But in such situations there is still the matter of what would be an effective deterrent for any similar transgression in future, or at least send them crawling back to their holes with their tails between their legs.

 

But your answer still leaves me with the same question I was left asking Star Gazer: how does one command respect?

You don't. "Commanding respect" is a misnomer. Respect garnered through command is based in fear. For the respect you need on the dating scene, you are either worthy of it, or you are not. And talking about shattering egos and spirits, and creating deterrents is battle talk, not dating talk.

 

And even if you are worthy of it, you will still inevitably encounter those who will not give it to you. This is the way of the world. If you are worthy of respect, these people reveal more about themselves than about you if they treat you rudely. Crushing their spirits or shattering their egos will neither change them, nor will it impress anyone who would normally have given you respect willingly - in fact, it will make you look foolish and diminsh your image in the eyes of those who might otherwise have looked upon you favorably.

 

And as far as "sending a message" to others who might treat you rudely in the future (your "deterrent"), as I mentioned before, any apparent respect you got from them would be based in fear, not respect.

 

So, the effect of shattering spirits and crushing egos would be that you would be turning off the people who might be most inclined to treat you well, and you would create fear (but still no respect) in those who would be rude anyway.

 

Walk away with grace. A person's rudeness speaks more of that person than it does of you. Have enough self-confidence and self-respect to realize that, and that will help others (but never everyone) to see you as being worthy of respect.

 

"Or else" what? You'll seek revenge????

No comment.

Why not? You put it out there, and you sound very angry; I also wonder what you meant.

[doiask42much]

Wow, great post, Trimmer.

 

Lights, what I was meaning was there is no (practical) way to eradicate rude rejections. Sh*t happens. Even if you are doing everything right, as Trimmer just said, there are going to be people who won't give you the respect you may (or may not) deserve.

 

All you can do is put your best foot forward and hope for the best and leave with grace and dignity when you encounter the worst.

 

Of course, I rarely practice what I preach. Heh. But then I'm not going to counsel you to do what I do. Or have done.

[oppath]

Let's put it this way...it's been 6 months since my breakup; I believe I would have been over it 3 months ago had I not reacted wanting vindication.

 

It is true that my initial reaction to the breakup was assertive. I asserted boundaries several times and she violated them several times. It is true that had she respected my need for space, there would have been no reaction out of me, even if I learned about her ex. All I did by seeking revenge was lower my self esteem, and I probably misinterpreted everything anyway and jumped to many irrational conclusions.

 

Saying nothing, moving on with grace, even with her further insults would have been the best option for me. Instead, I've had to realize why I felt so much pain and why I reacted as I did. I've faced some difficult truths, which is a good thing, but those sames truths could have been realized had I just held my head high. Instead I wanted to put her in her place. It wasn't an easy situation, because I assertively asked for space and was very adult at first despite feeling disrespected. Had she not continued the disrespect, blah blah blah.

 

To command respect...you need to assertively express your desires and needs and also what you will not tolerate. If someone is treating you with disrespect say "it seems were have some differences regarding this situation. I feel upset and disrespected and was wondering if we could discuss it and find some common ground. Yes? I feel deceived and disrespected because you hung out with me for 6 hours, kissing, touching, and flirting when you knew you were going to dump me. Can you understand why I would feel that way and what is your perspective?"

 

Not easy to do, but you'v got to do it.

[Trimmer]

oppath - that's an interesting perspective on this discussion. I've been assuming that Lights was talking about being rejected upon an initial approach in a dating situation, but I hadn't considered the possibility that it might be someone with whom he had already established some kind of connection.

 

Either way, even if your situation turns out to be different from Lights', I agree with your comments. That's my general philosophy about 'revenge' or striking back - any satisfaction that I would get from striking a blow would ultimately be exceeded by the black mark that it would leave on my soul. Many disagree, and get glee and satisfaction from revenge, but that's how it works for me.

 

So Lights, are you talking about rejection when approaching a potential 'date', or being rejected by someone you already have established at least some kind of connection with? Not that it changes my opinion of the idea of crushing egos and spirits and creating deterrents, but it may color the discussion somewhat.

 

I also agree that asserting yourself and communicating your needs within an existing relationship is important to maintaining mutual respect. However, if it is what I interpreted about Lights' post, and you are in an "initial approach" dating situation, you have no mutual relationship established - no common basis for asserting your needs - so in this situation, I go back to my point from earlier: you are basically making an offer, and the respect you get at this early stage cannot be based on your ability to assert your needs, but simply on the respect that your target perceives you are worthy of.

 

Lights, fill us in: at what stage are you getting these rejections?

[oppath]

4 times I said "I can't be in contact with you, it's too painful, please give me space" and after the 4th time she asked to be friends with benefits. Yeah, I tried taking her and her ego down a notch or two. It only made things worse for me.

 

I think lights situation is an initial rejection. Don't do it. I don't care if your underwear was ran up the flagpole with you in it, don't try to crush a soul. It doesn't help.

[Yamaha]

A person's rudeness speaks more of that person than it does of you. Have enough self-confidence and self-respect to realize that, and that will help others (but never everyone) to see you as being worthy of respect.

 

Take the higher ground. Then you have your self-respect.

 

I would have to ask you if you also are respecting these women you are approaching as it just seems strange that they would be rude when they don't even know you. Some women might be rude but most women ( in my experience ) know how hard it is to approach and they try to let you down easy (unless you are being to persistent ).

[Lights]

So Lights, are you talking about rejection when approaching a potential 'date', or being rejected by someone you already have established at least some kind of connection with? Not that it changes my opinion of the idea of crushing egos and spirits and creating deterrents, but it may color the discussion somewhat.

 

Lights, fill us in: at what stage are you getting these rejections?

 

These were initial approaches.

 

...as it just seems strange that they would be rude when they don't even know you.

As I was explaining to Storyrider, it would certainly be easier if common-sensical stuff actually applied in my life. I have no explanation for why this happened.

 

...but most women ( in my experience ) know how hard it is to approach and they try to let you down easy (unless you are being to persistent ).

Where I come from, women who actually are understanding about that are incredibly rare. But that's a matter for another thread.

 

You don't. "Commanding respect" is a misnomer. Respect garnered through command is based in fear. For the respect you need on the dating scene, you are either worthy of it, or you are not.

Okay.

 

What makes someone worthy of it then?

 

And talking about shattering egos and spirits, and creating deterrents is battle talk, not dating talk.

Absolutely. In such a situation, regardless of whether or not it started originally as an attempt at finding a date, why would the interaction in question become anything but adversarial?

 

Walk away with grace. A person's rudeness speaks more of that person than it does of you. Have enough self-confidence and self-respect to realize that, and that will help others (but never everyone) to see you as being worthy of respect.

What lends itself to specifically walking away with grace, versus merely walking away having been dealt a blow?

 

...Of course, I rarely practice what I preach. Heh. But then I'm not going to counsel you to do what I do. Or have done.

 

Why do you say that? Have the methods you have used proven ineffective or otherwise a liability?

[Storyrider]

Do you have a hard time reading faces and social cues and body language? Because I get the impression that is a huge part of your problem.

[BentSpine]

What lends itself to specifically walking away with grace, versus merely walking away having been dealt a blow?

I walk away with grace when I still value myself after the rejection. I value myself because after the rudeness, I choose to no longer let the rude person be in my life ever. I know intellectually and I feel emotionally, that a person who makes me feel bad, isn't worth my time.

The rude person belongs the my history, even if the rejection was only seconds ago.

 

Also, after the rejection it helps to remember that any person has the right to choose to NOT be me.

[Trialbyfire]

Try lobbing a grenade. If you practice often enough, it works every single time.

[Trimmer]

What makes someone worthy of it then?

Jeez, there's probably no simple, short answer for that, and it's also probably a worthy subject for another thread, but the answer wouldn't change my advice on this subject.

 

Absolutely. In such a situation, regardless of whether or not it started originally as an attempt at finding a date, why would the interaction in question become anything but adversarial?

My point is, once it turns rude from her side, why would you want to continue the interaction at all? Don't look at it as an interaction that has become adversarial, look at it as an interaction that has ended.

 

By turning yourself into a rude person, you are becoming that other person and responding in kind. The useful question to ask yourself here isn't whether you should "strike a blow," but what kind of person do you want to be? One who turns rude when things go bad - just like those people you resent - or one who can show grace under pressure? This part isn't even driven by what others think; this is about who you want to be.

 

Can you give us an example of what you might say to a woman you approach, and how she might respond to you that you woud find rude? Also, include an example of where this might happen - set the scene for us a little bit to give some context.

[StayClose]

Lights,

 

Can you describe this "rude rejection" to us? I know that when I was single and getting rejected a lot, anything short of "Yes, I'd love to have dinner with you. Are you bringing condoms or should I?" would come off as rude for me (OK, they didn't have to mention condoms.) We'd like to provide a more objective assesment of her behavoir.

 

Ross Jeffies once wrote an article listing rude insults to use when a women does not respond they way you'd want.

 

I tried doing this in a dance club one night, but it only made my attitude worse. I came to ask myself "If women really are this shallow and evil, then why am I trying to get one to spend time with me?"

 

I think it's best not to do things that sink your mindset even further.

[Kamille]

iiiiiihhhh. Are you approaching girls in bars? Cause if so, you kind of have to expect a fair amount of rejection. I'm a pretty nice girl but I tend to cold-shoulder guys in bars. I do it because the fact is, girls get hit on a lot and I generally don't feel to talking to just any guy who walks up to me.

 

Maybe your approaches are too upfront? Approach a girl, talk for a maximum of one or two minutes, then leave. When you next cross her in the bar that night, smile at her. Finally, approach her after last call with either a nice meeting you or a a goodnight. If she is interested, she will respond positively and spurr the conversation, if not, better luck next time. Hitting on girls is like surfing: you've got to learn to catch the right wave.

 

Anyways as for getting revenge.... hmmmm.... There is really no need to dwell on it. It just sounds like you are at a lost in the dating world and you need to gain confidence and have more fun with it. Don't take an initial approch rejection as a personal rejection.