Ladyjane14 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Actually, I think the Infidelity board might be a good place for this guy. Yeah... he'll take some flak, but push to shove... he needs to be more worried about marital recovery and less worried about the OW She's pissed off. That's natural in a situation like this. But if he loves his wife as he says he does, he needs to focus on the marital relationship. That needs to be the priority. There's no mystery here. I've seen ALOT of threads here from OW who've been dumped after D-Day. In the majority of them, her question in essence is usually... "Why does the MM get to go back to his nice, cushy life without penalty?" Sorry, but I don't have an answer to that. I doubt the MM does either. But she's a big girl and she knew the score. She's going to have to work it out for herself. Eyes on the prize, OP. Focus on your true goal.
Woggle Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 You have the rare woman that truly loves and cares about you and even after this is willing to forgive you yet you betrayed her. You deserve every single thing that is coming to you.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 The key is putting yourself in other peoples shoes, something that MM do not do enough. I'm an ex-OW, thats the first time I've even said that as me and MM split very recently and its still very raw. This is what your expecting from your OW... Your OW most likely shared everything with you, her body, her emotions, her love, her inner self - for the possibility of a future with you. This was probably a very tough situation for her to be in, knowing your W was waiting in the wings and knowing that she had to keep her pain to herself because you were in such turmoil. Then you turn around and decide that even though she has given her very best to you, it wasnt good enough, that you didnt want her anyway. Her trust in you has been destroyed, she's hurting more than anything else, her self-belief has been destroyed, she's given her all and got nothing back. Whereas, you return to the family fold, you're loved, life is comfortable again and life can return to normal without that pesky OW bothering you. The opposite of Love is indifference, not hate. Your OW is hurt and wants to make you hurt - and have CONSEQUENCES for your actions. Personally, I dont agree that consequences like ruining your work life will work. If she had remained calm (which is extremely hard when you're so very hurt by someone you love) and then realised that eventually she can wake up one morning and get on with her life and have a million opportunities open to her, when you remain in the same place, never quite knowing what you want, she is the winner in the long term. She just doesn't realise it yet. I feel extremely sorry for your OW and your W. Yes, I believe it is possible to never hurt someone you love. But if that person hurts you, your love dissolves and then it is very possible that she will hurt you as much as she can and as much as she feels fit. She was wrong, in my mind, to share her hurt with your W in such a way. But, I can also understand that she probably wanted your W to realise what a liar you are, how you can manipulate feelings and how deep your relationship was. Your question, "So I have nothing to worry about?" Nope, you have everything to worry about. You just dont realise it yet. You have scarred your W beyond belief. She may be relieved that the A is over, and she may be convincing herself that your OW is just some crazy Glenn Close character who forced you into a R - but this will be short lived. Because eventually, when the dust settles, your W will be forced to search for answers as to what was missing in your M. Everytime you make love, images of your OW will spring into her brain. As for you, that damaged part of you that is broken, needs fixing so you can work toward a reconciliation within your marriage. Dont be an idiot and believe "Phew, now OW is out of my life I can get things back to normal!". Normality is something you sacrificed when you took your OW into your life. You need to work out why you needed OW to be there for you in the first place. This is not just a simple question of satisfying carnal needs. Lastly, have you ever thought that OW may have forced your hand NOT to get a D and be with you BUT to ensure that she has ended the R and therefore the pain, knowing that she can never ever go back and undo what she has done? A final nail in your relationship coffin, so to speak. I'm sure you're looking for answers, just like we all are. I know you're not my MM but your insight into a MM's brain will bring to the surface many emotions from BW and OW. If you're brave enough to stay on the forum and contribute a MM's perspective, good for you.
Lizzie60 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Now I almost feel sorry for him... LOL Seriously... maybe if you ignore her, she will eventually stop... my guess is that she will. Don't feed her anger.
Author Misfit4life Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 Thanks for all the responses. I didn't go into the affair with the assumption that we would have a future together and neither did she. When it came to say goodbye...we opened up more and we both shared things and said things that should have been left unsaid. I admit that I had a lot of strong feelings for this woman. I know it's impossible to believe at this point...but I honestly meant the best for her in that everyday until the day I left her took care of her and mentored her on her future. We often discussed about "no regrets" if we never saw each other again. I know she's hurt...so am I. So is my W. Which is the reason I will never do that again. This forum is a great thing..and I'm glad I found it. Misfit4life
Cliche Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Isn't it possible to love someone so much that you would never do anything to hurt them?... does that kind of love exist? Isn't that what my wife has for me? Even me... I would never do anything like the OW did for some one I cared about and especially for someone I truly loved. Uh, look what you did to your wife by cheating...oh and to your OW by lying...you DID deeply hurt two women you said you cared for. And ftr, your relationship with your wife will never work because you will tear her to pieces eventually and she will get wise to it. Yes, the kind of love you're talking about where people don't hurt the ones they love, that does exist, but only when there are two people in the relationship both treating each other well. You are your own downfall, misfit. Sorry.
NoIDidn't Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Misfit I don't know if you are still here or not, but I agree with LadyJane - you should take this to the Infidelity Forum. Of course, the OW and xOW are free to follow you, but there are other posters there that can help you get your M back on track even with the fallout that the A has created. Re: your job. You should go to HR yourself (someone you trust, providing the OW didn't report to you and you didn't otherwise break any rules) and tell them what has been happening. Not in the interest of having her fired, but in the interest of "covering your as.s" when she does make good on her threat. But, I agree with Lizzie, ultimately. Ignore her. She will get the point and go away. You need to be focusing on patching up your M. I am sure that you were separated for a reason and during the separation decided that you wanted to save your M (OW or not). Hope to see you in the Infidelity Forum.
NoIDidn't Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 You are your own downfall, misfit. Sorry. In the end, isn't this true of all of us? We are our own downfall. We all make decisions at the time that seemed to be in our best interests and find ourselves in over our heads - unable to control the outcome. It doesn't surprise me that a MM finds himself saying the words of Misfit here. Misfit made a mess of his life and part of his M. His OW is making a mess of her life and his right now. Certainly he deserved to be outed, but beyond outing the A, OW is currently making a (bigger) fool of herself (hurt or not). OW is currently making a mess of her own life, whether she knows it or not. I made a big mess of my life and M for a bit. I can't say that I won't do it again. That's why the vows say "for better or worse, in sickness (mental or otherwise LOL) and in health". If we can forgive others and ourselves, its just part of the journey. Hey Cliche, I am quoting you while not necessarily responding directly to you. Hope you forgive me...
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Isn't it possible to love someone so much that you would never do anything to hurt them?... does that kind of love exist? Some people are capable of loving another more than themselves, its as much a burden as a gift though. Isn't that what my wife has for me? Yep. Unfortunately unless she finds a man who is capable of the same kind of love, her gift will be used to destroy HER! That's the burden of the gift. Even me... I would never do anything like the OW did for some one I cared about and especially for someone I truly loved. Even if you felt this, the fact that you are not ashamed to admit it, says wonders. YOU are not capable of that type of love, and apparently your OW isn't either. YOU did hurt her but she willingly went along. You truly seem to believe that the only reality that exist is as it is perceived through your eyes. God help your wife.
Cliche Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 In the end, isn't this true of all of us? We are our own downfall. We all make decisions at the time that seemed to be in our best interests and find ourselves in over our heads - unable to control the outcome. It doesn't surprise me that a MM finds himself saying the words of Misfit here. Misfit made a mess of his life and part of his M. His OW is making a mess of her life and his right now. Certainly he deserved to be outed, but beyond outing the A, OW is currently making a (bigger) fool of herself (hurt or not). OW is currently making a mess of her own life, whether she knows it or not. I made a big mess of my life and M for a bit. I can't say that I won't do it again. That's why the vows say "for better or worse, in sickness (mental or otherwise LOL) and in health". If we can forgive others and ourselves, its just part of the journey. Hey Cliche, I am quoting you while not necessarily responding directly to you. Hope you forgive me... Nothing to forgive. And you are correct. I don't think revenge helps anyone, and just hurts the one seeking it the most. I don't condone that type of behavior, but we should all be cognizant that those who behave that way are out there and we should be careful who we let into our lives. See, things like this are why I don't believe in a religious idea of "hell," we bring enough of hell here, on this earth, on ourselves, when we act in ways that are traditionally considered "sins." Pay the piper and all...
GregsBad Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 You truly seem to believe that the only reality that exist is as it is perceived through your eyes. God help your wife. Right! ... I think this is the part that bothers me the most about the opening post and follow-up explanations. "Narcissism" is a word that I would normally shy away from - but it seems to me that narcissism is at the heart of Misfit's take on reality. .
Tomcat33 Posted July 3, 2007 Posted July 3, 2007 Now I almost feel sorry for him... LOL Seriously... maybe if you ignore her, she will eventually stop... my guess is that she will. Don't feed her anger. I DON'T! I don't feel sorry AT ALL, sorry Misfit your situation doesn't inspire andy sort of pitty in me at all. These guys should know when to shut up when it comes to the things they say to the OW and should learn to SPEAK UP when it comes to dealing with their Ws instead of running out to look for a third party to fix their personal problems by using other people to their advantage. And some may argue the OW went willingly, HE ALSO WILLINGLY LEAD HER ON. It's easy to be mislead when someone is feeding you lies. So he encountered a lady that did not know how to handle rejection that stung back with a very sharp stinger when she was hurt, BOOOO FRICKING HOOO! He comes on here professing that he purposely mislead this woman to beleive certain things, tells us what a saint his W is, how he would NEVER do what the OW did because he knows how to LOVE yet he forgets he cheated and lied to his wife and and this OW woman and his HUGE CUNUNDRUM is "Does the OW really love me or not, I need to know" here's my answer: yes she probably did she is extremely hurt that you mislead her and wants you to hurt the way you have hurt her. Makes sense? Well maybe not to you but some people believe in an for an eye, others will take buckets of crap by the truckloads and will still worship the ground you walk on. Sounds like this woman is the former type. Your W might be the latter, which one truly loves you? That's for you to figure out, all depending on what your idea of love is. So do I feel sorry for you? Well no, you mislead someone for your own benefit they didn't like it..... welcome to revenge! It's a gamble we all take when we treat people for less than they deserve. You're lucky your W will put up with anything a LOT of women WON'T. As you just discovered...
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